Title:  Everybody Knows
Part:  1/1
Series:  (very early) TOS
Author:  Animasola
Codes:  S/Pike
Rating:  [NC-17]
Feedback:  Anything that doesn't start a fight. <g>
Archive:  Don't look at me, it's up to the Fuckfest Goddess.
Fuckfest Goddess here... URL is http://www.kardasi.com/fuh-q-fest/
Summary:  A captain's reflections on his complicated personal life and whether he's fit for command.
Warning:  M/M sex, self-loathing ramble, a TOS character on Pike's ship you might not agree was there, and young Spock with funky eyebrows.  Any of that bothers you, don't read.  If you do read, it ain't my problem.
Disclaimer:  Paramount, Roddenberry, yadda yadda yadda.   I pump coffee for a living and this is my not-for-profit escape.  Sue me and you might get a latte out of it.  Decaf, of course.
Acknowledgements:  Much love to my fabulous beta, Islaofhope, and to Jane, (jat_sapphire), for infecting me with an obsession about anothercharacter who appears in this story, also to kira-nerys and Hafital for dragging my sorry ass back into circulation.

Everybody Knows

No one had to say anything, it was clear to me that they knew.  They saw it in the way your eyes tracked me around the bridge, and in the way I wouldn't look at you.  I think it was obvious right from the start.

I've never known anyone like you, never wanted anyone more.  Never have I been more ashamed in my life.

I've met other Vulcans, visited their world.  You're not like any of them.   You're from someplace different, some planet where genius is bred into the fingertips and quiet painted into the eyes.  Some meddling alien craftsman must have been eavesdropping on my dreams.  If I can find someone to blame, I will.  Then I won't have to feel guilty for letting you in here and doing this to you.

I wish I could say I resisted you, or that I didn't know what I was getting into.  I wish I could say I seduced you, so I could pretend to be in control.  The truth is simply that your first awkward, too-hard kiss told me everything I needed to know.   What you would feel like, how this would be, and that my commitment to the good of my crew is nothing but a joke.

If I had an ounce of integrity, I wouldn't have let you touch me like that, wouldn't have opened my mouth and let your tongue slip inside.  You didn't have an ounce of sophistication, or any semblance of a clue.  You just looked me that way when we were standing much too close and I let my chance to move away pass by. 

Did you know that every time I wake up after you've gone I swear to myself that it will never happen again?  Even though my blood starts flowing again and the ache in my belly goes away because you've been here with you hands on me, and your cock deep inside me and your scent all around me.  Every day I wake up and touch all the places you've been and make that false resolve, knowing you'll only walk in and tear it all down again.

What am I supposed to do when you walk into this room all gawky limbs and graceless moves, the most incredible, imperfect beauty I could have dreamed of in a million years?   Talking about logic with every emotion in your head tattooed across your ever-changing face.  You're not Vulcan, I tell you.  They made you someplace else.

I didn't want to know I was your first and I was glad you didn't say so, but then you didn't need to tell me because your body said it all.  The first time I heard that sound you make when you're spilling down my throat I told myself I'd pull that out of you every night for as long as I could keep you.  At least that much was easy, loving you when you were a blank slate.

Even then I knew you were young yet for one of your kind, practically an adolescent despite your rank and your pile of degrees.  Still a growing boy, I think every time you slide into me and start to move, so much like a man.  I wonder how your face will change, or the lines of your body shift.  Every time I scratch my cheek across the smooth skin of your chest I wonder if your body will still know me when your metamorphosis is done. 

My Vulcan Lolita, with a slender hand around my cock, so trusting, and too naive to see that I'll leave well before you grow out of me.  I wish that I could tell you that I'm everything you see.  I wish that I could tell you that you're everything I need.   I used to think I could wish for things and have it all come true.  Thought that I could cure myself by pinning it all to an ideal.  A ship, a career, the safe quiet heat of your eyes.

It's different with Mitchell.  Nothing left to corrupt in that boy. Knows what he wants and doesn't give a damn what it does to him or anyone else.  Never lost a wink of sleep over him, and I never will.  Never worry that I'm bad for him and wish I had the decency to do the
right thing and leave him alone.  It was practically over with us by the time you were here.  Gary and me together on this ship just made for too much poison in too small a space.

"Tell me, Chris," he said when he first caught on, "what are you gonna do?   Fuck the whole bridge crew, fuck everyone on the ship?"  We were already pulling off our uniforms, moving toward my bunk, as routine as someone's parents settling down for the ten-minute midnight screw. 

"Don't worry, Gar," I told him, "Your record here is safe.  I couldn't match you if I wanted to."  It was an old game with us, one you weren't aware of, or one you'd ever play.

His lips weren't as giving or nearly half as warm as yours, but he knew me, oh, he knew me.  I didn't have to worry, didn't have to think at all.  Couldn't do anything to him that hadn't already been done million times before.  Gary liked it on his knees, and I liked him down there.

It was only when he looked at you, and I could see him thinking that he wished you weren't here.  He had a way of punctuating your little slips that drew attention to what everybody already knew.  He'd have trouble getting your attention when you happened to be looking at me, or ask me a question too loudly when I was squirming and trying hard to look away.  Leave it to Gary to know what I wanted from you, and to make sure that I paid in full.

There was the night I snapped at you, and pushed you away too hard. "Stop looking at me like that," I said, "and stop watching my every move."  Kick that puppy, Pike, kick it hard and make it whine.  The way you looked at me.  I thought for a moment that you would curl up and die.  Sometimes I still wish you had.   Then I could go along with my career and my conscience and maybe convince myself that I could live up to this role, that I could ever be good.

Too bad for me that you're made of stronger stuff than that.  Too bad for me that you knew all you had to do was touch me.  You win, Spock, this game is yours.  Why do I feel so filthy just because you seem so pure?  Offering me your virgin ass without the faintest clue of what you're doing to me, whispering, "Show me what you desire, Chris.  Show me what to do."

Turn around the way that I do when you're the one inside, down on knees and elbows.   Let me look at you like that, while I make you wait, make you wonder how I'll touch you first.  My tongue, this time, drawing a line straight down your spine, down between the cheeks of your ass.  Hold your breath when I slip it inside.  Feel how wet you are when I reach underneath and hold you, and clench around my tongue when my hand starts to move.

When I push my fingers into you, tighten up and make it hard, just to feel me make you hurt a little.  When I push my cock against you, put your head down, let me know I own you.  Spread your legs wider for me, until you're shaking and I have to hold you up.  Let me soak in that second's panic when you wonder if you can take it, and then let it give, let me inside.  Make it tight for me, make me buck against you and moan.  Let your back shine with sweat for me to lick, and twist your head back so I can reach your lips.

Be sure to let that sound slip out just before you come, the one that tells me I know too much, that I'm in too deep for your peace of mind.  Make sure I know you'd throw everything over for my seed spurting into you, and make sounds that almost make me wonder if you're crying.  When we're through and I turn you over, look deep into my eyes.   Try to dream yourself into a safer place, years from now but still you're mine.   Let me know you'd give it all up for me and wonder if so would I.

-- end --