A Romulan Ale
- and A Slow Fuck
(With a Twist)
By Jen Chapman
Author: LaDemonessa, Jen Chapman herself chapman@watervalley.net Part of the Spock Fuh-Q Fest http://www.kardasi.com/fuh-q-fest/ Romulan Ale and A Long Slow Fuck (with a twist) By JA ChapmanThe Dominion War was in full swing, the station was bustling with activity, but all the party hogs were off in outer space getting their asses reamed and not in a good way either. Dax belched as she knocked down the last of her drink and slammed the glass down on the bar, "QUARK! Gimme ‘nother." "Uh, are you sure?" Quark eyed her warily. "I mean, not to refuse a paying customer or anything but you’ve already had—" "ANOTHER!" she shouted and Quark gasped as the smell of her alcohol-laden breath hit him full force. "Yeah, *gasp*, whatever. *choke*" "An’ make thish one uh Long Slow Fuck Against Duh Wall." She wiped her snotty nose on her hand then smeared it on Morn’s vest. The alien looked down, shuddered, then moved on with a grunt. Quark sat down the glass and Jadzia chugged it down before letting out a pleased gasp. "That one had a nice bite to it!" "I’ll bite you if you want," Fred leered from nearby. "Fuck off, furball," Dax snorted. "Yeah, well, someday you’ll regret not partaking of my particularly luscious manly parts while drunk off your ass. Mark my words!" Fred glared and hitched a thumb toward Morn, "Just ask him! One more margarita and his well lubed mancheeks are mine, toots!" Morn looked up, glanced at his drink, then put it as far away from him as he could before signaling the waitress to bring over a pot of coffee. "Yeah, well, fuck you too. I’m gonna go find me a Klingon or somethin’. They’re always up to a piece of the Fredster," Jadzia watched as Fred stumbled toward a crowd of drunken Klingons and greeted them with the words, "Come and get it boys! I’m wearing edible underwear and it’s nice and ripe!" Several nearby patrons screamed as a horde of shit scared Klingons ran out of the bar but Jadzia merely stared at the bottom of her glass forlornly. "I need me a Klingon bohunk." When the smoke cleared, Morn was hiding under his table and Fred was eyeing a big Klingon dressed in purple leather with interest. "What flavor?" the big Klingon rumbled through pursed lips as he gave the furry pervert an appraising look. "Tuna!" Fred leered. "Yummy in the tummy…." "That’s just….wrong," Quark shook his head in disgust before pouring Dax another drink. "Man, I’m horny," Jadzia said as she scratched her armpit through her uniform. "Worf’s on an away mission and there’s no good hootchie on board, if you know what I mean." "Well, I’m available…." Quark said seductively as he leaned in close. "Uh, brother?" Rom tapped Quark on the shoulder timidly. "Go away, moron, I’m busy," Quark said as he began raining kisses on the back of Jadzia’s hand. "But it’s important," Rom said. "Unless the bar’s on fire, leave me alone," Quark continued to smile into Jadzia’s bloodshot eyes seductively. "So you want me to tell the health inspector to come back later?" Rom asked. "Tell him whatever—HEALTH INSPECTOR?" Quark whipped his head around to see a Federation officer eyeing some Vole droppings near the galley with interest. "Shit! Shitshitshit---" he said as he rushed away. "Funny, duh, that’s what he said," Rom grinned stupidly as he followed closely behind. "I could use a good lay," Jadzia slurred as she scratched her boob. "I’m so in need I’ve worn out three vibrators in a week." "I *hic* know what you mean," came a voice from the end of the bar. Jadzia looked over to her companion and squinted, "Say, don’t I know you from somewhere?" "Ambassador Spock," the Vulcan introduced himself with only a slight slur, "I’m here as the Fed-Federashon representative to…" Spock blinked, "that other place." "Romulus?" she supplied. "That’s it!" He poured himself another Romulan Ale, "Y’know, I think thish stuff is even stronger than the Ale Dr. McCoy used to smuggle onboard the Enterprise." "I know him!" Dax said cheerfully, "He had great hands…..*sigh* His bedside manner wasn’t so bad either, if you know what I mean." "He was rather accommodating, wasn’t he?" The Vulcan mused. "I’m Japizidar Rax." "Pardon?" Spock shook his head in confusion. "Japizidia—Japzia—jus’ call me Dax, okay?" she said as she scooted closer to him. "Okay," Spock took another drink then looked at her, "Say, your name wouldn’t happen to have once been Eminem would it?" "No, but I dig his music," she knocked back a shot of the first thing she could grab from behind the bar. "Maybe it was something else then. I seem to recall Dr. McCoy mentioning something about a Trill gymnast once." "Yeah, I used ta be something," Dax chuckled. "I even slept with that dude Chang once." "The Klingon?" Spock asked. "Yup," she nodded, "Him and that other guy, whatzisface." "Oh yeah, I remember whatzisface. From the space station with the furry annoying things." "Fred." "No, not Fred," Spock shook his head. "Miles." "No. They looked like toupees." "Kirk." "No, but he was there," Spock admitted. "Shay," Jadzia sidled up to him with a gleam in one bloodshot eye, "Is it true what they shay abou’ you an’ ol’ Jimbo?" "Depends on what ‘they’ said," Spock pointed out logically but Dax was not deterred. "Tell me, did you an Jimmy have a fling or what?" "A fling?" He inquired. "A love affair," she expanded. "No." "Oh," she said crestfallen. "We just had sex together." "Oooh!" she grinned toothily. "The ol’ Pon Farr was kickin’ in, eh Pointy?" "No, it ish illogical to assume that Vulcans only have sexual intercourse during the mating time," Spock shrugged. "We simply were, as Jim used to say, fuck buddies." "Kewl," Dax hiccuped. "So you guys weren’t in love or anything?" "He was my friend," the Vulcan answered, "but other than friendship and the occasional hot tubbing incident, we had no romantic affiliation with one another." "So he used to fuck around on you?" she asked. "Constantly," Spock tossed back another shot of Romulan Ale with the closest thing to a grimace that a Vulcan could manage. "With who?" she asked, weaving a bit in her chair. "Everyone. Yeomans, admirals, aliens—he even made it with a Horta once," Spock took another drink. "He had burns in some very unusual places for days…." He paused, "of course, I must admit that I did enjoy helping him apply the burn salve." "I think I fucked Kirk once when Curzon was the host," Dax wrinkled her head in deep concentration, "Did he have a tattoo on his butt that said, ‘I brake for Orion slave girls’?" "He did indeed. Right next to the one that said ‘Open 24/7’." "Come to think of it," Jadzia mused, "I had sex with Uhura and Sulu too." "They were rather fond of threesomes," Spock sighed, "I still remember the time they gift wrapped Chekov for my birthday." "I did Scotty," Dax announced. "Better you than me," Spock said dryly. "In fact," Dax slanted a flirty look towards the older man, "you’re probably the only member of the original crew that I never had my wicked way with." Spock’s drink stopped in midair as he slowly turned to meet her gaze, "That can be easily remedied." "Your place or mine?" she chuckled. "Logically, your place as my place is on Romulas," Spock said with an arched eyebrow, "Unless of course you have a hot tub aboard this station." "Heh heh, you bet your green ass we do!" Jadzia hopped up and grabbed the Vulcan by the hand, dragging him off the barstool. "Julian had one installed in the infirmary for physical therapy but the only thing he ever got physical with in it was Garak and a string of Dabo girls." "In that case, my ‘green ass’ as you call it is there," Spock nodded as they both stumbled out of the bar and onto the Promenade.
Worf sighed and rubbed his neck wearily as he made his way out of the infirmary. His shoulder was a bit sore from the shrapnel he’d caught during a Dominion ship attack but other than that he was fine. He would have the next two days off until his ship was repaired and he was looking forward to enjoying a nice, quiet evening with his wife and some Klingon opera. As he was heading down the Promenade he noticed an ancient Terran man looking around the station and mumbling to himself angrily. "Pointy eared, green blooded SOB…!" "Can I help you, sir?" Worf asked. "What’re you? A Klingon?" the man looked up at him with rheumy eyes, "Ah hell, beggars can’t be choosers, I suppose. You wouldn’t have happened to see a drunk Vulcan passed out somewhere around here, would you?" "A Vulcan?" Worf cleared his throat. "Um, no." "Hell, figures that think skulled bastard would hit the Romulan Ale just when my viagra dose kicked in," the man grumbled. "I’ll be damned if I waste this one. At my age they all count, y’know?" "If I run into your companion I’ll be sure to tell him that you’re looking for him," Worf said as he began to edge away from the obviously insane man. "You do that----say, do you hear something?" The human cocked his head and turned up the volume on his hearing aid. "Hear wha---?" Before he could even finish his sentence, a horribly off tune pair of voices began to assault his sensitive ears. Bones was a doctor Bones fucked the Russian The ensigns and the Orions. Sulu was a-flaming Bones went to help ‘em Bones he came again and again. Bones, he went to Wesley too There he got the clap and flu. Then he got off again He went to Johnny’s leather den, Bones boner broke and died Cause Riker gave her the t'gan's'ls Drive her, Cap'n, drive her And bust the chafing leather. With Bones the shagging doctor, hey! "Damn," the old man grinned fondly, "those were the days!" "JADZIA?!?" Worf’s mouth hung open as he looked at his wife and her companion in shock. She was holding a bottle of tequila in one hand and the other was around the shoulder of an obviously drunk Vulcan while said Vulcan had one hand on a bottle of Jack Daniels and the other on his wife’s ass. "That you, Woof?" Dax asked with a squint. "Worf," he corrected, "and yes, it is. Why are you being groped by this-this—OW!" The old man slammed his cane down on the Klingon’s big toe, "Watch it, Woof. That drunk green blooded pervert is the object of my occasional erection, doncha know?" "And quite an occasion it is too, Leonard," Spock agreed. Leonard conked him on the head with his cane, "Shaddap, you! Where were you all night and why is your hand on that hussy’s ass?" Spock flinched slightly then looked down at the ass in question, "Because that’s where it landed?" "Leonard!" Jadzia crowed, "Long time no see! You still have that dream about the crowd of pickle waving women and Kirk carrying a five gallon bucket of melted butter on his head while singing ‘What’s up pussycat’?" "Dax???" Bones blinked. "The one and only…or not. Can you be the one and only after you’ve had like seven hosts already?" she asked dumbly. "Jadzia, I think we’d best be going…" Worf grabbed his wife’s hand and started to half drag, half lead her toward their quarters. "Ah man! I was gonna go for the record---!" Jadzia cried then waved at the two old men just as the turbolift doors shut and they were whisked away from sight. "You better have an explanation," McCoy said angrily as he turned on his companion. "Explanation? Leonard, you saw that body? Why do I need to explain THAT?" the Vulcan pointed out logically. "True," the doctor sighed. "She would have killed you but, day-yam! We should all be so lucky as to go like that!" "Indeed." Both men sighed then shuffled toward their quarters, "Of course, she is sleeping with a Klingon." "And she’s a former gymnast," Spock added. "She does have an awfully tight uniform," McCoy frowned. "You think that’s tight? You should have seen the rest of the crew. They made Uhura’s old uniform look modest in comparison. Tight pants, high heels, no bra…" McCoy looked up, "What was the name of that bar? I could use a drink now that I think about it." "I’ll buy." The EndNow wasn’t that downright wholesome? |