LESSONS 11 - 15
by kira-nerys
K/S G- NC17

Author: kira-nerys
Title: Lessons
Codes: K/S
Rating: G - NC-17
Summary: A very angsty series of Vignettes dealing with what happened in The Motion Picture. Gol, the Kohlinar, V'Ger and Kirk's and Spock's relationship.
Feedback: kardasi@kardasi.com
Disclaimer: Kirk, Spock, McCoy, the Enterprise, Star Trek et al belong to Paramount. No infringment to their copyright is intended. I'm not making money on this.

LESSONS 11
Fear

K/S, G
by kira-nerys

Kirk

I'm pacing my quarters
I know Bones' advice is sound.
So, why am I so scared again?

Because of the emptiness I saw in his eyes when he returned?
For fear of rejection?
Because I'm scared I don't deserve his forgiveness.
His understanding?

Yes.

I've been a coward before.
Look where that got me.
I can't let fear control me again.

This - he - is too precious to me.
He is worth every risk.
He is worth my life.
Time and time again.

He holds my heart.
He holds my soul.
What difference would it make to let him know this truth?
He would never abuse it.

I straighten and look up.
I make a decision.
It is time that we talk.

~ END

LESSONS 12
Trapped

K/S, G
by kira-nerys

McCoy

I can't believe this.
How can they be so god damned careless?
This is my sickbay for crying out loud!
Do I have to put up a sign saying
*Doctor is in*

I'm trapped in this wretched room unless I want to interrupt them.
And I'll be damned if I do that.
That might force them off the path they've chosen.
I can't do that.

So I stay, even though I can hear every word they're saying.
I can hear every word of this most private of conversations.

"Spock," he whispers to the sleeping man at the bunk.
"Spock, wake up."
"Jim," the deeper, huskier voice responds.
It's made darker by sleep. 
"Spock," Jim says again.
His voice is almost trembling.
"We need to talk."
"Indeed," Spock replies.

The room is caste in shadows.
I can't see Spock's face clearly. .

I don't want to spy, but I can't stop listening.
I can't even tear my eyes away.
I'm sitting in the shadows of my office.
The half-open door gives me a clear view of them.
I'd just turned the computer off, getting ready to leave.
That's when Jim showed up.

Spock's face is caste in shadows.
Jim is sitting beside his sickbed.
His hands are folded in his lap.
He's looking at them as if they hold the key to Pandora's box.
Frightened, hopeful and determined.
All at once.

He also seems uncertain.
As if unsure of where to begin.
My heart aches for them.
May they find their way back to each other this night.

Spock suddenly makes a movement.
What is he doing, I wonder.
Jim jerks.
Spock touched him.
It is as if that touch is an electric jolt.
Perhaps it is, to Jim.

I close my eyes wishing I didn't have to listen to this.
Wishing I didn't have to see it.
Happy that I am.
I feel guilty, but I want to know what happens next.

~ END

LESSONS 13
What I Need

K/S, PG-13
by kira-nerys

Kirk

His hand on my knee.
It sends a jolt through me.
I can't think.
Desire pools in my belly.

"Jim," he says.
That deep voice tears at my soul
Those eyes look into mine.
They see the depths of my being.
Tears right into my core.
It no longer frightens me.

It heals me.
It humbles me.
It fills me.
It arouses me.

His eyes are filled with a need I didn't know was there.
There's no coldness now.
Hope flares bright.

"If this is all that you can give me, Jim," Spock whispers to me.
"I am willing to accept it."

What does he mean?
Does he mean that if all that I can give him is sex,
Or the human meaning of love?
He'll accept that from me?
He wants me so much.
He'll accept less than he needs?

Good God, Spock, No!
I don't deserve this.
My gut clenches in pain.
Don't do this!
You don't have to do this!

I want what you need.
You've got what I need.
I've got what you want.

His hand moves from my knee, up my thigh.
It's searing hot, sending licking flames along my body.
I harden and I need.
Pain, guilt and desire wars within me.

I snatch his hand away as if it were a snake.
"No Spock," I cry.
With the link gone.
This moment is made for misunderstandings.
His eyes darken in pain.
I did it again.

"No, Spock," I repeat.
Whispering.
Soothingly.
"Not like this."

~ END

LESSONS 14
Want

K/S, R
by kira-nerys

Spock

He rejects me.
Again.
I did not believe I could take this pain once more.
But I am still functioning.
Barely.

"Spock," he whispers again.
His voice.
Golden.
Soft.
Beloved.
T'hy'la.
No.
He is not.
No more.
Not mine.
Not my beloved.

"Spock. Listen to me"
His voice
Desperate.
Pained.
Urgent.

"Spock, please."

I cannot.
This is too much.
Emotions.
They shatter me.
They break me.
Like chards of glass, spreading on the hard floor when it hits.
I am broken.
I cannot.
No.

"Spock," he begs.
His breath catches.

With the last vestiges of my control, I look up,
Fighting off the shaming tears that are rising in my eyes.
When I look up, I see the answering need there.

"I still want you," he whispers.
"I want you more than anything else in the world."
"You're my other half."
"Without you I'm dead."
"Without you..."

His voice breaks and I cannot bear it.

I reach out.
My hand rests on his cheek.
It's softer than I remember
Warmer than I remember.

My fingers clench around his cheek.
I pull him closer.
I crave more contact.
We must talk later.
I need him.
I want him.
Now.

~ END

LESSONS 15
Perfect Unity

Drawing by Marianne

K/S, R
by kira-nerys

McCoy

"Jim, I want you," Spock whispers hoarsely.
The stab of arousal that shoots through me, makes me wonder at myself.
From there on, there is no question of what is going to happen.

The fact that they're a couple coming together again is obvious.
Their passion holds the familiarity of long time lovers
But the intensity is that of a new relationship.

Spock's arms wraps around Jim's waist with a fierce grip.
Their mouths lock together in soul-wrenching, open-mouthed and passionate kisses.
I'll be damned.
That Vulcan facade is just that.
A facade.

Spock grabs at Jim with as much passion as any human could ever muster.
Maybe more.
Those strong hands grasp at him with such desire.
Pulling Jim closer.
And closer still.

I want to give them this moment alone, but I cannot.
Their love is so intense, so magnificent.
I can't turn my eyes from them.
Shame fills me, but intense arousal as well.
They're my friends, dammit.
But it's beautiful - the way they love.

Spock's face bears a passion I had never expected.
Laid bare, vulnerable and loving.
Jim's kisses are equally loving
His face is contorted in need.
I can see the pain there as well.

Pain at the misunderstandings.
Pain at the lost time.
Pain at the mistakes
But beneath that, a profound joy.
Of coming together again with this man he loves.
Of having been given a second chance.

Spock holds his heart so ultimately.
He just had to come to accept it.
I wish they wouldn't have had to pay such a dear price.

I watch as they begin to move, together.
Jim is desperately clutching at Spock's clothing.
Spock is tearing at what Jim is wearing.

I should step forward and stop them.
Now, before it's too late.
I should tell them I'm here.
But I'm frozen to the spot.
I can't move.
I don't want to move, dammit.

What if my presence will ruin this?
What if by being here and revealing it,
I would shatter this most precious of moments?
I can't, and I won't.
Discretion be damned!

So, I watch as Spock spreads his legs, tangling them with Jim's.
I watch as their arms grasp at each other.
I watch and listen to their ragged breaths.
I listen as a sob forces its way out of Spock's throat.
I watch as his head falls back and he cries out in passion.
I listen to the words.

"Jim, oh, Jim."

I watch that display of desperate emotion.
I watch the raw affection between them.
And the soul-shattering need.

As I do this.
I wonder at the powers of the Universe.
How could it keep such perfect unity apart for so long?

~END

| Lessons 1-5 | Lessons 6-10 | Lessons 11-15 | Lessons 16-20 |