Title: Wounds That Bind
Author: K'Chaps
Feedback: justblackchaps at yahoo dot com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: K/S
Beta: Lyra gave me some much needed help. Thanks.
Summary: After Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Kirk and Spock struggle to make sense of the events and find a new path.

Wounds That Bind

Unpacking took longer than he thought it would. It seemed he'd collected a few trinkets while he'd been dirtside. There was a shelf or two, and he displayed them. He'd have less the first time the Enterprise was hit with a photon torpedo, and that would be fine. The thought made him smile. A few photon torpedoes always livened up the day--not always in a good way, but after all he'd lacked, he'd welcome them. Spock would say it was illogical, and it was.

Kirk put his medals and commendations in a drawer. They could gather their usual amount of dust. They meant nothing beyond the fact that he was here again to take command of the woman he loved.

"Captain?"

Kirk smiled and turned. "Spock, I'm not on duty. You can call me, 'Jim.'"

"I will endeavor to do so. Captain, we will need to put into starbase almost immediately. We are lacking the proper supplies for a deep space mission."

"Noted." Kirk pushed a box down the recycler. "Are you settled in?"

"Yes. Why did you delay unpacking?"

"She wasn't mine, not really." Kirk had fought for her, and it was official now. He had few regrets. "I have to ask. Are you certain this is what you want?"

"I am here." Spock nodded. "It is my place."

Kirk was glad to hear that answer. He thought he'd known it, but he'd been fooled once, and it still hurt. "Edith said you would always be at my side." She had said it, but she'd been wrong.

Spock found a chair and sat, he still wore his uniform awkwardly. "You believed I would never return."

"Of course. What did you leave me to think?" Kirk finished stuffing the boxes down the recycler. "You left. You didn't say you'd return."

Spock shut his eyes for a moment. Kirk knew that meant there would be no more discussing this. He could live in the here and now, or he could wallow in his anger, but not both. Spock stood up. "I have duties."

"I'll expect a thorough report." Kirk sat down at his computer terminal. There were always reports. The door whooshed shut behind his first officer. His--damn it.

*********

Spock knelt and sprinkled some incense in the tiny brazier. The smell of it comforted his battered soul. Admitting that was difficult, but he wouldn't lie to himself any longer. Events had crashed over him, and he had a profound sense of his own mortality. He had wasted enough time, and never again would he follow a path other than the one he knew was right. His parents, and even his planet, would adapt. He was unique. He was Spock.

*********

"Give me a rundown, Mr. Scott." Kirk inspected the engines.

Mr. Scott grinned. "She's a bonny lass." He sighed happily.

Kirk nearly burst out laughing. He had been expecting something more detailed. "Any problems I should know about before our first mission?"

"We worked out the few bugs in the matter/anti-matter chamber. We're ship shape and Bristol fashion." Mr. Scott smiled smugly. "We've got plenty to get us where we're going."

Kirk nodded in satisfaction. "Good. I think I see a dirty spot over there."

Mr. Scott frowned. Kirk laughed and went out the door with a wave. He headed directly to sickbay. McCoy gave him that look. "I can't believe we're doing this again."

"No place you'd rather be." Kirk smiled. They went together back to McCoy's office. "New sickbay to your liking?"

"Pretty fancy," McCoy growled. "Pretty soon they won't need a flesh and blood doctor, just some sort of computer."

Kirk shrugged. "As long as it dispenses the occasional medicinal brandy, I'll be fine."

McCoy put two very small glasses on the desk and filled them. "To fools and their follies."

They clicked glasses and drank it in one gulp. "Is Spock okay?"

"Physically, yes." McCoy stashed the glasses back in a drawer. "His mental state is one I've never observed before, and I've seen him at his worst."

"And his best."

"Yes." McCoy tapped the desk with his fingers. "I'm not sure he's fit for duty."

Kirk sat back in his chair. "Would it reassure you to know that our first assignment is nothing but a milk run?"

"Not really. Milk runs have a way of turning nasty. If I were you, Captain, I'd do my best to make sure it stays calm until Spock sorts everything out." McCoy opened a drawer and pulled out a padd. "Here's my report. Memorize it."

Kirk nodded and took it. "He's where he wants to be."

McCoy didn't react to that. "I wonder, and I bet you do too." He stood up. "Go on. I have work to do."

Kirk saluted him and went out of sickbay. McCoy had been grouchier than usual. The medical report might yield a few answers as to why, and Kirk took it to his quarters to read. The chair in front of his desk was ten times more comfortable than the one on the first Enterprise. He frowned. In a way, this was the same ship, just with a few bells and whistles. It was an upgrade, but they hadn't torn her heart out. Well, they had replaced the engine, but she was more than bolts and titanium. He rubbed his face and accessed the report on Spock. It wasn't alarming, in the least, and yet, some of the brain scans were, what McCoy called--different, unusual, and even abnormal for a Vulcan. And that was the question. Had V'ger changed Spock's brain? Or was a better word--damaged? McCoy wasn't sure, and now Kirk wasn't either.

"Mr. Spock, please report to the captain's quarters." Kirk toggled the switch off. He could dance around this information, or he could come right out and ask. Spock was a master of meditation. Wouldn't he know? If he thought there was a problem, he'd relieve himself of duty. He'd done it before. The door beeped. "Come!"

Spock came inside and stood at attention. Kirk sighed. "Do me a favor. Sit down and read this."

Spock took the padd and sat down. He didn't look comfortable. It took him much less time to read it, and he handed it back instantly. "Do you wish to relieve me of my duties?"

Kirk didn't smile. That wasn't funny. "What I wish is for you to give me your assessment. Dr. McCoy thinks you are fit, but he has some concerns. I share them."

"The baselines are abnormal for a male Vulcan, but I am not." Spock stood and put his hands behind his back. "It is possible that the contact with V'ger has changed my brain. It was--overwhelming."

A huge understatement. Kirk chose his next words carefully. "Do you feel different?"

Spock's eyebrow went up and stayed there. "I am different."

Kirk wasn't sure he understood. Spock had always been--Spock. "Spock, I missed you." It seemed important to say, at least once. "I. Missed. You."

The words seemed to hang in the air. Spock nodded. "I also felt your absence. It was, no doubt, one of the factors that prevented me from achieving Kolinahr."

"The goal of removing every trace of humanity from your soul." Kirk looked away from the implacable face of the entity he had called brother, even soulmate.

"Captain, I am not human. The term doesn't apply."

Kirk licked his lips and growled, "You're not a computer. You're more human than half the people I know."

Spock sat back down and put his hands between his knees. "I am not human, nor am I Vulcan. I am-"

"My friend. You were my friend." Jim reached and put his hand on Spock's knee. "You're not half anything. You're Spock."

"That is the conclusion I have been forced to, and I am still trying to assimilate the information."

Trust Spock to make it sound so analytical, when it was all about feelings. "Are you fit for duty?"

"I am. These feelings will not interfere with my duties." Spock's eyes never left Jim's hand. "I erred."

Kirk clicked his teeth together. Spock had just admitted that leaving was a mistake. The universe blinked in and out once, and Kirk took a deep breath. "I can't pass judgment on you."

Spock stood up and went to the door. He paused. "I believe you already have." And he was gone. Kirk stared at the crack in the doorway and wanted to throw something. His anger surged up and choked him. It tasted foul. He hated being angry with Spock. It was foreign to his nature. Hell, it was just wrong.

********

Spock familiarized himself again with the science station on the bridge. It was unnecessary, but he would make no mistakes. The equipment was fascinating of itself, and he completely approved of the systems that had been installed. He had designed one or two elements during his previous tenure, before . . . his error. His mind veered away from facing it directly. V'ger had understood, and that in and of itself was a condemnation of the path he had sought so arduously.

"Mr. Spock, I'm so glad you're with us."

Spock knew Uhura meant that. She was intensely loyal. "My place is here." He placed his hand on the edge of her console. "How many long range beacons are we carrying?"

Her smile was brilliant. "Let me show you."

*********

Kirk paced through the corridors of his ship. He wasn't going anywhere but around the saucer section--one deck at a time. It wasn't a tradition. It wasn't to let the crew on the lower levels catch a glimpse of him and know he was a presence. The only reason he was doing this was Spock. Spock was right at Kirk's shoulder, where he should be, except that he wasn't. Spock was on the bridge, and Kirk was pacing, trying to forget that he was angry. Trying desperately to change the opinions that he'd formed in his anger and pain. Trying to trust again. Spock was the only officer Kirk wanted at his side on the bridge. The trust between them was sacred, and he had to stitch it back together again. The turbolift deposited him at deck fifteen, and he paused before getting out. And Spock came around the corner. Kirk held perfectly still, and Spock joined him on the turbolift.

"Captain."

"Commander." Kirk didn't give the turbolift an order, and neither did Spock. The doors shut, and it didn't move. "Where are you going?"

"I was looking for you," Spock said. His voice was subdued. "There are a number of reports that we need to go over--together."

Kirk looked at his boots. At least they were comfortable, even if the uniform wasn't. "Let's go to conference room one and get started."

"I concur." Spock didn't speak to the turbolift.

"Conference room one." Kirk gave the command. He tugged at his tunic. "I'm not sure about these uniforms."

"They are functional."

"But drab." Kirk smiled and took the silence as agreement. The turbolift stopped again, and they exited together--Spock at Kirk's left shoulder. It was right where he belonged. Kirk hadn't actually been in this room, and he expected one computer and a table. It was a surprise. The table was large, lovely, and each seat had a computer in front of it. "Someone was thinking."

Spock sat down at the first seat to the left. "I'm pleased to see that they implemented my suggestions."

"Isn't that an emotion?" Jim sat down and opened his computer. It immediately came on.

"Perhaps." Spock's fingers were moving very quickly.

Kirk didn't touch his. He had things that he to say first. "I'm angry with you."

"I'm aware of that." Spock didn't look over, and reports began to appear on Kirk's screen. "I believe it is a natural reaction."

"It feels awful." Kirk rubbed his face before looking at the report. "At first, it was nothing but shock, then elation, and now . . ."

"Anger and fear," Spock finished for him. "After doing everything conceivable to eradicate those very emotions, I find I . . ."

"Am awash in them?" Kirk did sense a certain tension in Spock that had never been there before. "I thought you had found your path--with me. I guess it was nothing but ego."

Spock's fingers flew again. There was a lapse before he answered, and Kirk waited, idly scanning the reports in front of him. This ship was ready. He could feel it in his bones. Spock highlighted a section of the report in front of him. "This concerns me."

Kirk's eyes snapped there. "Starfleet is sub-contracting out food services and some lower level jobs. They're civilians--hired to do a job. It's a new policy, but working efficiently. Starfleet has taken the position that their training is expensive, and graduates of the Academy shouldn't have to slave away in the bowels of the ship."

Spock steepled his hands. "It is a risk. If I were the Romulan High Command, this is where I would place any number of spies."

"They're screened, but I see your point." Kirk tapped his hand on the table. "Investigate the level of supervision and make sure it is adequate. Let's avoid any future problems."

"Logical." Spock made the keys bounce. "It will take me some time to learn the new regulations."

"I doubt it. You'll be a captain before Bones and I empty his bottle of Saurian Brandy." Kirk knew this to be true. Spock had sidestepped it before by leaving, but this time, he'd be promoted.

"I have made no decisions about my future, but this time they will be my decisions," Spock growled.

Kirk had rarely heard that tone issue from Spock's mouth, and it put a new patina on this 'going to Gol' business. Life was rarely simple. Kirk wished he understood the forces that had driven Spock there. "You went because of me."

"I came back because of you."

It was an answer that was no answer. Kirk eyed the next report that Spock put up on the screen. "I have a question for you."

"You may ask me anything."

Kirk nearly laughed. He could ask, but Spock would pick the ones he would answer. "You're my first officer. Will you also be returning to your position as head of the Science Department?"

Spock gave Kirk his complete attention. "This ship is bigger, more complex, and will, no doubt, be thrown in harm's way frequently. I believe the best utilization of our resources is for me to act as First Officer."

Kirk had noticed the void at the top of the science ladder. "Have you chosen someone to fill your shoes yet?"

"I have not." Spock sent Kirk a list. "Do you see an officer that you would recommend?"

Kirk looked it over and said, "If your specialty is going to be command, I want to see it reflected in your work."

Spock said nothing. He looked calm, but intense. Kirk gave the list another run through. "Dr. Xavier is well-liked and competent. She's my first choice."

"I agree. She was my selection as well." Spock nodded. His fingers moved again. "Are you concerned that I will take a command of my own?"

"No," Kirk said softly to emphasize it. "You will be promoted to captain and your own command. I want you to prepare yourself. Focus on command--nothing else."

Spock's lips thinned. "There is much to consider."

"In Starfleet," Kirk said, "your path will be steep but straight up. There is no rank, no position, you can't achieve, if you desire it. The trick is figuring out what you want before they slot you somewhere."

"And your choices become extremely limited."

"Correct." Kirk knew this too well. "Do you still hear V'ger?" It was the question that had nagged at him for days.

Spock shut his eyes. "Dimly, if I concentrate."

"Some bonds are impossible to break." Kirk wasn't talking about V'ger, but Spock didn't need to know that. "What's next?"

*********

Spock retired to his quarters instead of going for dinner. He wasn't hungry. His physical needs had been so severely limited for such a length of time that he found it difficult to sit and do nothing but eat. He removed his uniform and put on a comfortable robe. The new uniforms would be gone soon. Logic would prevail. The door beeped.

"Come!" He knew who it was, and there was no way to avoid him.

"Good evening, Spock." McCoy came through the door and placed a tray on the desk. "Eat."

Spock nearly frowned. "I am not hungry."

"The sickbay computer informed me that you haven't eaten today." McCoy pointed at the bio-monitor on his uniform. "Eat, or I will tell the captain."

"You are, I believe, under my direct command." Spock eyed the tray distastefully.

"Spock, if you think you can command me to turn a blind eye to your health--think again." McCoy smiled and left him.

Spock locked the door and engaged the privacy mode. He had no desire to eat, but he also had no desire to be lectured to by his captain. His--by Surak.

********

Kirk found his bed much later than he'd planned, but there were always things to do. It was a bed, not a bunk. It was bigger than necessary, just one more thing to get used to, but he'd manage. He smiled. What was Spock doing tonight? Kirk rolled to his side and shut his eyes. He had to sleep. A shiver tracked its way down his body. Spock was here. Spock was here. Those were the words he carried with him everywhere now, and they comforted him into the darkness.

********

"Starbase Twenty, on screen," Chekov said.

Kirk nodded in apparent satisfaction. "I like the look of these new stations. We have eight shifts or two days. Everyone get busy."

Spock lifted his eyebrow. He hadn't been aware there was a new design or this many stations. He had so much to learn. His captain was also different. For example, he should have rapped out individual orders. His style of command had changed. Why?

"Spock, I'm going on a tour. Join me."

"Yes, Captain." Spock secured his station and followed Kirk to the turbolift. The door shut, and he asked, "Captain, may I make an observation?"

"Please do." Kirk smiled.

"I have noticed a change in your command style." Spock glanced away from Kirk's hazel eyes. "Can you explain?"

"It hasn't changed, not really." Kirk shrugged. "All of the officers on the bridge have been with us for years. They know their jobs. They're more than crew."

"I don't fully understand your last statement," Spock said. "Knowing your crew is critical to your success. Some people need to be pushed. Some need to be given complete instructions. Uhura, Chekov, Sulu, and Scotty are the most competent officers in their positions anywhere in the fleet. I won't insult them."

The turbolift doors opened, and they stepped out to the transporter. Spock could rarely remember a time when his captain had lectured him so thoroughly. Some would have taken it as a grave insult, but he knew for the compliment that it was. Kirk was attempting to pass on the knowledge he'd gained. For a Vulcan, that was the greatest gift that could be given to another. The transporter quickly deposited them on the station, and Kirk smiled over at him.

"Thank you, Captain." Spock allowed himself to look pleased.

"If I begin to bore you, just let me know." Kirk slapped Spock on the shoulder. "I doubt there's anything I can teach you."

Spock felt the touch of the hand all over his body, and his mind grasped greedily at the sensations. "My command opportunities have been limited, and sometimes unsuccessful. I will appreciate your help."

Kirk frowned. "You were the best commander this fleet ever saw, and you never failed."

Spock didn't reply. The memories of those years were poignant in total, but . . .

"What's wrong?" Kirk stopped walking and faced Spock directly. "If I didn't know you better, I'd say you were confused."

"Captain," Spock said and moved so he wasn't in traffic's flow, "you are aware that my cerebral functions are altered."

Kirk stared at him intently and stepped so they were somewhat concealed in a doorway. "Are you telling me that you don't remember?"

Spock heard the concern mixed with a touch of panic. "It is not that severe." He paused and lowered his voice even further. "To achieve Kolinahr, one must purge all emotions. I succeeded in all but the final step. V'ger also had no emotion, but my mind was filled with information."

"Spock, I think we need to talk." Kirk looked over his shoulder. "Soon."

"Admiral!"

Kirk and Spock faced the commander of the station as one. And Spock found himself falling into a rhythm that was easy, familiar, and even seductive. The path he'd taken away from his captain had been a mistake, but his boots were pointing in the right direction now.

********

Kirk didn't seek out his bed. He sought out his first officer. Events on the station had forced them apart, but it was long after the time Spock should have been back onboard.

"Come."

Kirk went in the door to Spock's quarters, his eyes found Spock immediately. "We need to talk."

"I assumed you had gone to your quarters for the evening." Spock gestured with a hand towards a chair. "Sit. Would you like some tea or coffee?"

"No thank you." Kirk was careful not to stare at the trinkets and firepot in the corner. It would be rude, especially to a Vulcan. "I was going to my quarters, but this is more important. I almost feel like we should get Bones in on this conversation."

Spock took a seat across the tiny table from him. "I'm not sure it is necessary. I merely wanted to convey to you that I may require your help in the area of command."

"Because you don't remember?"

"I do remember, but it is hazy--not all of it, but some." Spock folded his hands in his lap. "And I have been out of touch on Star Fleet matters."

"You didn't know about the new stations." Kirk nodded. "I sensed that. Did V'ger do this to you?"

"Unknown. It is possible that my mind has been . . ."

Kirk saw Spock struggling for the correct words. "Overloaded by information?"

"Yes and the sterility of a life without emotion was driven through me."

"Coffee would be fine, thank you." Kirk needed a minute to think. Spock was admitting to a weakness, and that in itself was overwhelming. He returned with coffee and tea. Kirk took his gratefully. "Thanks. It must have been a shock. Kolinahr is considered a great achievement, even I know that."

"It is, but there is no shame in failing, as I did. There are many paths, and we all must set our feet on the right one." Spock sipped his tea.

Kirk hoped his friend believed those words. "I failed to understand the enormity behind becoming the youngest admiral in the history of the fleet. If ever there was a failure--that was mine."

Spock put his tea down. "Why do you feel this way?"

That was a question that Kirk wasn't sure he had the answer to, but he'd give it a try. "My decision was made in emotion. I didn't think that I'd sit at desk for hour after hour, do nothing but reports, and shuffle around faceless people. I was a terrible admiral. I failed, miserably."

"Your record doesn't reflect this, and you are speaking in the past tense. You are an admiral."

Kirk drank some coffee before answering, "Out here, I'm the captain. Being an admiral means damn little, and that's the way I want it."

"Are there no duties on Earth that you would find satisfying?" Spock sounded genuinely curious.

"There might be, and next time I find myself without a ship, I'm going to make sure I get one of those jobs!" Kirk knew his voice was too loud, but he felt very strongly about this.

Spock nodded. "I understand that perfectly."

Kirk looked deep in dark eyes and did see it. They had both made poor choices, but they had learned from their mistakes. The anger and betrayal that he'd felt so strongly evaporated with the steam from his coffee. He wasn't the only one that had suffered, and the pain of his friend was hard to swallow. "Back to the matter at hand. How do you plan to get back up to speed?"

Spock didn't answer. He took his cup back to the food replicator. "More coffee?"

Kirk shook his head. "I'll help."

"That I was certain of." Spock nearly smiled. Kirk felt his heart speed up, and his mouth went dry as the desert. His reply melted away. Spock raised his eyebrow. "If you want, I will speak with Dr. McCoy."

"You probably should. He's worried. Of course, that's his job." Kirk smiled, so glad he'd found words. "I'll leave you to rest. Thank you for the coffee."

"It was a pleasure." Spock stood up when Kirk did, and they went together to the door. Kirk resisted the urge to turn back and ask one more question to prolong his stay. He went to his quarters and tried to forget the sound of the word 'pleasure' rolling off Spock's tongue.

********

Spock sank down and assumed a meditation position. Once, at a party, he'd seen a bottle of champagne explode. The cork had been forced out by the shaking of the bottle. The person holding it, he thought it was Chekov, had been completely surprised at the projectile, even though it was the logical outcome. Spock understood perfectly, and he was both, the champagne and the cork. He managed another level of calm and saw that he was also Chekov--surprised at the outcome that he had forced.

******** McCoy pointed at the biobed. "Don't argue."

"I don't believe this is necessary."

McCoy didn't answer. He pointed and waited until Spock had obeyed. The Vulcan was stubborn as a Georgia mule. "I'm going to run a few tests I didn't think of last time because I didn't have this information, not that I blame you!"

Spock replied calmly, "I was unaware myself until quite recently."

"Stick with that story." McCoy casually dropped his hand on Spock's shoulder and felt the physical reaction. "Relax, Spock. Is it too cold in here?"

"No." Spock looked up at him. "Please remove your hand."

McCoy immediately removed it and had the answer to his first question. Spock's shields were down and probably had been since V'ger. "Why haven't you replaced them?"

"I have attempted to, but have failed each time." Spock shut his eyes. "Proceed. I will meditate."

McCoy didn't believe that for a minute. Spock wasn't relaxed enough. This situation was more complicated than it appeared. McCoy put his fancy new sickbay to work.

********

"McCoy to Bridge."

Kirk hit the toggle himself. "Yes, Bones?"

"I have Spock down here. I'm running a few tests. He's not reporting for duty today." McCoy's voice didn't sound worried. "McCoy out."

Surprise flicked through him. Kirk pointed at Chekov, but said nothing. Chekov took the science station post, and a replacement for him slid in smoothly. This ship ran like clockwork, and Kirk was proud of her. He smoothed his finger along the edge of his chair. Was there something terribly wrong? Was Spock more hurt than he appeared? Kirk wanted to get up and pace, but didn't. He gave orders, signed reports, and commanded his vessel. Later, he'd find out. Later.

********

Spock shook his head. "It's not possible."

"How long has it been?"

"You are aware of the answer to that." Spock pulled on his tunic. "You are mistaken."

"No, I'm not. Make some decisions now, while you can." McCoy put his instrument away. "I'm very sorry."

"Your apology is unnecessary." Spock stared at the padd in McCoy's hand. "I would like to take it with me."

McCoy lifted it and handed it to him. "It won't change from wishing."

********

Kirk strode into sickbay and fixed his eyes on McCoy. "Well?"

McCoy shrugged. "He'll tell you."

"You tell me. Now." Kirk didn't like the furtive look McCoy had given him. "Right now."

"I will tell you this. Spock's brain suffered a tremendous shock, and there was minor damage to his memory cortex, probably from too much information assimilated too quickly."

"And you didn't find it the first time?" Kirk leveled a glare.

"The tests I ran the first time weren't attuned to that particular part of his brain. The damage is like mist, not rain. I couldn't see it." McCoy sighed. "It will heal. I gave him a drug to facilitate it, and also his brain is more resilient than a human's."

Kirk put his hands on his hips. "Is he fit for duty?"

"No." McCoy shook his head firmly. "I won't certify him, but the rest of your answers lie with him."

"Damn it, Bones!"

"He's in his quarters."

Kirk fumed as McCoy went to his office. This wasn't a game! Kirk gave up on changing McCoy's mind and went to find Spock. The answers were there.

********

Spock abandoned the meditation ritual. It was impossible, and that in itself was confirmation of McCoy's facts. He sat down on his bed and wished he were human enough to curse, throw things, or even pace. It simply wasn't possible, and yet, it was here and would have to be dealt with. The timing couldn't be any worse. The captain didn't need this complication. His future wasn't going to wait for him to understand his needs. No. He was going to have to make immediate decisions with too little information. A human would laugh or call it ironic. He had nothing but information in his brain, and none of it was useful. Damn.

*********

Kirk hesitated in front of Spock's door. He would wait and let Spock tell him when he was ready. No. This was too important. Kirk could sense it. He initiated the call sequence.

"Come!"

Kirk stepped inside and made two instant evaluations: Spock was ill, and this was going to be bad, whatever it was. "Spock?"

"Jim." Spock lifted his head from his hands. "You have my apology."

"I don't want it. I want an answer. McCoy told me about your memory. I don't understand why he won't certify you for duty." Kirk approached the bed slowly. He wanted to sit down and put his arm around him, but it would be rash. "Tell me."

"I am apologizing because it seems I am nothing but a burden to you." Spock stood and moved past him. Their backs were nearly touching. "I am pon farr."

The two words crashed through Jim's brain, and he was sure he wasn't breathing. "Already?"

"That was my first response, but Dr. McCoy is certain, and now, so am I." Spock's deep breath was loud in Kirk's ears. "My apology seems the least I can do."

Kirk sat down on the bed. He rubbed his face and wanted to curse, but he didn't want to give Spock the wrong impression. "I'm reluctant to say anything."

"Jim, you can't hurt my feelings. This will have to be dealt with. This ship requires a first officer. As of now, you have none." Spock turned and came to stand near him. His hands were behind his back. "We must make decisions for the good of the ship."

"And you? What do you want? The future is now. Will you go home, take a wife, and follow in your father's footsteps?" Kirk rushed the words out. That choice was the logical one. "Tell me what you want."

Spock hesitated and sat down on the bed with his shoulder just brushing Kirk's. They sat that way in silence until Kirk wanted to scream, but he bit it back hard. Spock nodded. "I feel the same."

"How long before the decisions are ripped away from us?"

"It's early, but Dr. McCoy believes it will progress rapidly." Spock looked at his hands. "I do not have the capacity to fight it as I did the first time."

"Too much, too fast, and now you're defenseless." Kirk rubbed his face. "We can return to the starbase. It's only hours away. You can take a shuttle home from there, if that's your decision."

Spock turned his hands over. "Would you go with me?"

Kirk swallowed hard. He'd just managed to get back all he'd lost, and now he was losing it all again. "Would I abandon my ship for you? Yes. Would I watch you go through the ritual with another woman? Yes."

Spock put one hand face-up in front of Kirk. "I have had no greater friend than you."

Kirk gently placed his hand on Spock's hand and watched as their fingers laced together. "In my life, there is no one greater than you."

"I have no wish to return to Vulcan. My path leads away from there." Spock looked Kirk in the eye.

"You'll die." Kirk didn't shout or yell, but he wanted to scream it. He saw the skin around Spock's eyes flinch. "I'm sorry."

"I have no shields. Your touch is as if someone placed a burning match on my hand."

Kirk tried to remove his hand, but Spock had hold of him. It was useless. "You'll die."

"No. The bond with T'Pring forced me home or I would have died, but this time I can choose." Spock spread his fingers, and Kirk slipped his hand away. "I must choose, but I don't have to go to Vulcan."

"Mate or die?" Kirk growled. "That's no choice."

"It is for a Vulcan." Spock put his hands together. "But I am more than Vulcan."

"You are more than anything I've ever seen." Kirk stood up. "I'm going to leave. You have a decision to make."

"Thank you for respecting it." Spock didn't get up. "I will make it quickly."

Kirk nodded and went out the door into an uncertain world. He feared the choice Spock would make and wanted to order it, but he wouldn't. Damn.

********

Spock rubbed his hands together and once lifted them to his face to smell his captain. The scent was unique. For a moment, he felt blood pound in his ears. Rapidly, indeed. How long? Two weeks, at the most, and then it would be too late. He wasn't human enough to avoid this decision. Too much green blood ran in his veins, or not enough, according to some members of his family. He wasn't this or that, and it bothered them. There were other bi-species offspring, but they had wisely chosen paths that led away from Vulcan at an early age. He kept to the Vulcan way of life, even when it rejected him.

"I am uncertain," Spock whispered and smelled his hands again.

*********

"He's going to need to form a permanent attachment with someone," McCoy said. He filled two glasses with Saurian Brandy. "It's that or die."

"He didn't the first time, and he didn't die." Kirk didn't pretend to understand Vulcan biology. It seemed a series of contradictions.

"There was ritual and combat. He chose to severe the bond with T'Pring."

"Well, let's go a few rounds in the gym and call it good," Kirk growled. He knew he was being ridiculous.

"It's just not that simple. I wish it were. As a Vulcan, he must mate. His genes demand it." McCoy sipped his brandy. "He should have taken T'Pring, and it would have put an end to all this trouble."

Kirk wanted to throw his glass across the room. "So, he finds a mate. What happens in another five to seven years?"

"He'll go through pon farr again, but this time, he'll have a mate to see him through it. No plak tow. No danger." McCoy shrugged. "He's not human, Jim, and he never was."

"He's more human than most." Kirk pushed his brandy away. He couldn't stomach it. "He might choose to die."

"My opinion as his doctor is that he won't." McCoy shook his head.

Kirk was glad to hear it, but reluctant to believe it and he had to push the horror away even to speak. "Why now? Are we just some big joke for the universe to laugh over?"

"Believe it or not, the universe doesn't care, but it happened now for a reason. Spock caused it. He was too far out of balance, and his body echoed his mind." McCoy frowned. "I know it sounds like mumbo jumbo, but I believe it."

"It does make sense." Kirk stood up and squeezed the back of his chair with two hands. He wanted to toss it. Words tumbled through him, but the ones he pressed out were a surprise. "I can't bear this, not again."

McCoy gave him a small smile. "Jim, you and I have been friends for years, and I want the truth--have you had sexual relations with men?"

Kirk felt his mouth drop open. He shut it, picked up the chair, and threw it against the wall. "No!"

"Settle down. I believe you." McCoy came around from his desk and rescued the chair. He put it out of Kirk's reach. "I know you're not homophobic."

"Of course not. I just never have." Kirk leaned against the nearest wall and rubbed his face. "It would have seemed like a betrayal."

McCoy nodded and put a hand on Kirk's shoulder. He squeezed and said softly, "How will you feel if he mates with Sulu?"

"Sulu? Why not Uhura?" Kirk swallowed hard. This conversation was one of the hardest of his life. If McCoy hadn't seemed so sympathetic, Kirk would have hit him by now.

"Jim, there are subtle differences in brain formation. Spock isn't going to choose a woman, not ever for that." McCoy wrapped his hand around Kirk's wrist. "I think you need to sit down."

Kirk thudded into the chair that McCoy stuffed under him. "I--I . . ."

McCoy handed him his brandy. Kirk drained it. McCoy leaned against the front of his desk and crossed his arms. "I know it's a shock, but it's the truth. In all our years with Spock, he was involved with two women. Once, his brain was devolving, and once he was drugged into a giddy state, and even then, I'm not sure he would have done anything significant."

"Bones. Stop talking. I can't hear you over the roar of the brandy." Kirk rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Give me a minute."

McCoy went around and sat back down. He said nothing, and it was a relief. Kirk tried to think it all through, but one thing made it impossible. "What about my brain? You say there are subtle differences. What about me? And is it part of our medical record?"

"Honestly, Jim, with you, I'm not sure. And no, doctors don't care. It's not a matter of record. We don't check for it. It's only important because of the pon farr, and I only knew about it because of that." McCoy drank the rest of his brandy. "And some men are open to both, and that doesn't show up at all."

"I don't understand all this." Kirk tried to breathe again. His lungs seemed to have collapsed. Spock and Sulu? That couldn't happen.

"Males that have no interest whatsoever in the opposite sex have different brains. It's a certain percentage of the male population, and we've known it for years." McCoy smiled at him. "More species than humans have found this to be true, and Vulcans are one of them. There was a planet that developed a test and rounded up all the homosexuals to put an end to what was perceived as a problem."

"No," Kirk whispered.

"Yes. I won't bore you with the details, but it wasn't pretty." McCoy sighed. "Jim, you need to be ready."

Kirk shook his head. He wasn't ready. He wasn't even sure his brain was working. It had all come to a stall. "Test me. I want to know."

McCoy groaned. "Jim, I just told you. It won't show anything. We know you'll bed women. My question was, 'Will you bed men?'"

Kirk stood up again. He couldn't sit any longer. "I have to think."

"Good idea. I'm here if you want another lecture on male physiology."

Kirk nodded and left sickbay. He had no idea what to do, or where to go, and he found himself walking the hallways again. He'd had everything back that he had missed so desperately, and it had lasted only the blink of an eye. The universe didn't care, not at all.

********

Spock had to remain in his quarters, but that didn't stop him from working on reports. When he was finished, he began to familiarize himself with all new Star Fleet regulations. He would make his decision, but not right now.

********

Kirk walked until he thought he was tired enough to sleep, but his feet took him away from his quarters until he stood in front of Spock's. He didn't ask for entry. He put a hand against the door and waited for his mind to clear. Did his future lie here? When the door opened, he knew he looked foolish.

"I could sense you." Spock didn't invite him in. Kirk remained in the hallway. Spock stared at him. "You are exhausted."

"I am tired." Kirk let his shoulders slump. "There are so many things I don't understand."

Spock nodded. "You shouldn't come inside."

"You'll need someone." Kirk had come to no conclusion while walking, but he knew he'd do anything for Spock--anything.

Spock lowered his head. "I will not force myself on you."

"Come with me to my quarters." Kirk took a step back.

"Dr. McCoy has confined me." Spock also took a step back.

The door shut, but Kirk said, "I outrank him, now move it, mister!"

Spock came out, and they walked together to the captain's quarters. Kirk opened the door and gestured for Spock to precede him. "Would you like some tea?"

"No. Thank you." Spock didn't seem to want to sit. He stood--ill at ease.

Kirk moved around him and took off his tunic. He tossed it. "It's funny how we could know each other so well, and yet, I don't know you at all. Do you like sonic or water showers?"

"I dislike wasting water for any reason." Spock stared at his boots.

"I suspected as much." Kirk rolled his shoulders and stretched. "McCoy is certain you will choose Sulu."

Both of Spock's eyebrows went up. "The doctor should keep his speculations to himself."

"I was thinking of Uhura myself." Kirk pushed off his boots and put them in the closet. He sat on the bed and smiled at his first officer. "Well?"

Spock shook his head. He turned his back to the bed. Kirk took the opportunity to stare. He'd looked at him plenty of times before, but never with the thought of taking him to bed. Spock wasn't soft, round, giggly, or demanding. He was . . . Spock--someone different, unique, and even special, and someone Kirk had loved for more years than he wanted to count, but was that love enough?

"I would prefer a mate that also wants me."

Kirk nodded. That made sense. He would say the same. "There are no Vulcans aboard. Would the bond you establish with a human be enough to satisfy your pon farr?"

"My father told me once that if I chose a human, I could form a bond, but it would . . ."

Kirk had rarely seen Spock at a loss for words. "Are the words too Vulcan to translate?"

"Yes. This is an approximation. The bond will be shallow, less binding. It is enough, but barely." Spock turned around, and his face was a study in shadows. "I am not fully Vulcan though. I can make no assumptions. I might fail to bond and die. It is possible."

"But unlikely. You didn't the first time." Kirk wasn't going to listen to talk like that. "Is there a person you prefer? I believe I have the right to know."

Spock put his hands behind his back. "I would prefer to avoid this altogether."

Kirk laughed softly. That answer was very human. He focused on Spock's groin and a shiver of excitement went through him. It was unexpected, but welcome. "I never considered it."

"Am I repugnant?"

Kirk didn't like hearing that word. "Illogical question, but I will answer it. I thought you would choose a Vulcan wife." It was the truth.

"That decision will be made at some point in the future. My father wishes for our bloodline to continue. A bonding now wouldn't preclude that." Spock shifted on his feet. "May I sit?"

Kirk nodded. He liked the thought of small Spocks running about the galaxy. "That makes sense."

Spock clasped his hands together and sat in a chair near the bed. "Does it? How will I find a person who loves enough to share or enough to let me go? In two weeks?"

"I've never heard you ask so many questions." Kirk smiled and lay back flat on the bed. "The answer lies in front of you. I've already done those things."

"You've never considered it."

"But that doesn't mean I'm against it." Kirk reached up over his head and dimmed the lights. "Are you against it? If you prefer another, I'll do more than respect it, I'll go get them."

Spock frowned. It was slight, but obvious. "You would do this?"

"Love is like that. I want you to be happy." Kirk sat up and pointed. "The worst part of all of these lost years was the knowledge; in the instant I saw your face, that you were desperately unhappy."

"I showed no emotion." Spock spoke softly. "You could not know that."

"You're wrong. I know you. No one knows you better than I do. We've been everything to each other." Kirk patted the bed. "Why don't you come here, and we'll see if we're compatible? You have a limited amount of time. If we don't suit, you can look elsewhere."

"That is logical." Spock stood up and edged over to the bed. Kirk would have sworn he saw Spock's nostrils flare. "I apologize again."

Kirk lay back. "Take your time. I may fall asleep though."

********

Spock looked away, but sat. He pulled off his boots because it was polite, but he left his tunic on. Kirk had his eyes shut, but there was rigidity to his body that betrayed his tension. He was not as certain as he pretended. "Are you completely sure?"

"There are times when you command that you are certain of the answer. It comes to you, in a flash, and it is right, even if people die. And then there are the times that you pray that you've made the right choice and no one pays the price." Kirk smiled. "I believe that the instant you place your hand on my bare flesh, you will know, and your truth will be enough for me."

Spock looked at his right hand. That sounded right, and he reached, letting his hand hover for a split second. He held his breath and placed his hand on Kirk's ribs. Nothing. He registered nothing, and then it swept over him. It started as nothing more than a rumble, and ended in a crash.

"Spock?"

"Jim." Spock opened his eyes on a new world. "Jim."

Kirk helped him out of his tunic, tugged him down, and their bodies entwined. "Do you need it now?"

"No." Spock shuddered. First, they would bond, and he would have time to accustom himself before they must. "The bond will be stronger than I anticipated."

"Meaning that you won't dump me for a Vulcan wife?" Kirk laughed.

Spock didn't understand that kind of humor. "We will always be together, even when we are at a distance."

"That's comforting." Kirk placed a kiss directly on Spock's lips. "I have to sleep. Wake me later."

"Affirmative." Spock felt the mental and physical exhaustion in his chosen one's body and touched him on the forehead. "Sleep, Jim."

********

Kirk woke up and stretched. He didn't try to think, not yet.

"Would you like coffee?"

"Spock!" Kirk sat up fast and laughed at himself. "I must be the worst bondmate in the history of Vulcan."

"Unlikely." Spock brought him some coffee. "I made sure you slept a full eight hours."

Kirk believed it, but hoped Spock didn't do it very often. "I'm due on the bridge soon."

Spock sat down in the chair. "Dr. McCoy sent us a message. He doesn't want either of us to report for duty until this is settled."

"I can't just abandon my ship!" Kirk ran a hand through his hair. "That's ridiculous."

"He is over-protective." Spock pursed his lips. "I believe he fears that I will injure you."

"I don't think you will." Kirk drank some coffee. "Tell me what's next. We both have jobs on this ship, and we both know where our personal lives fall in that equation."

"Secondary." Spock nodded. "The bonding is complete. Look inside yourself."

Kirk put his coffee down on the side table. He shut his eyes, concentrated, and blurted, "You're horny!"

Spock was up getting some tea when Kirk opened his eyes. Kirk felt as if he'd been struck by phaser fire. They were together--always now. It was beautiful. Spock nodded at him. "Always."

Kirk needed so much in that instant, but Spock was making no moves. Would they? Now? He hoped for it, but didn't want to rush him. Spock had so much to deal with. It could wait. Kirk took a break by going to take care of his personal needs and after washing, he walked directly to his bondmate. "How did it happen so easily?"

"Did you expect screams or bolts of lightning?" Spock raised an eyebrow. "It took several hours, but every moment we touched, our minds formed a connection."

"Always touching and never touched." Kirk nodded. It all made sense now. "I will want some touching occasionally."

"It is the drawback to bonding with a human."

Kirk stared in astonishment. That was a joke. Spock was smiling on the inside. Kirk began to laugh. He went back to his coffee. He needed it. "Well, then, let's go work a shift or two. Later, we can . . ."

"I agree." Spock nodded. "I am under complete control."

Kirk thought he heard the words 'for now' but wasn't certain. "We'll see McCoy and then head to the bridge. I like water, and it's recycled throughout the ship."

Spock sighed softly. "There will be adjustments for you to make."

Kirk sputtered on his coffee. He put it down before he burned himself. "Think again, mister."

********

McCoy looked up when Spock and Kirk came through his office door--one of them smiled, and the other one looked a little smug. "How can I help you fellas?"

Kirk crossed his arms, leaned against a wall, and pointed at Spock. Spock put his hands behind his back. "We are going to the bridge."

"Not unless I say so. Give me two good reasons." McCoy leaned back in his chair and waited. He knew, but he'd have to hear it.

"The bond between me and the captain is complete and stable, and I'm in control." Spock didn't smirk, but it was a near thing.

McCoy glanced at the captain. Kirk smiled, nothing else, and McCoy shrugged. "Go to work then."

Kirk laughed. "I did tell you."

Spock turned on him. "He always argues. How was I to know?"

"Get out of my office!" McCoy enjoyed a good shout occasionally. "Don't come back unless you need anatomy lessons!"

Kirk blushed. Spock raised his eyebrow, and they both left sickbay. McCoy thought he could still hear them bickering. Well, that had been remarkably easy, and Sulu would be so relieved.

********

Kirk retired to his quarters. It had turned out to be a long day. Having someone else in his brain had worn him out, but he'd get used to it. It was such a joy that he wanted to share every little thing. In a week or two, it'd wear off. He hung up his uniform with relief and crawled into bed.

//Sleep, Jim// Spock was in a lab.

//I expect you here when I wake up//

Kirk felt the assent. Spock drove himself hard to catch up, and Kirk understood that feeling. Things had changed in Star Fleet.

********

Spock stared down at the sleeping body of his bondmate and felt a stirring deep inside his body. It had been four days since the bond, more than long enough to become accustomed to each other. His breath came faster, and blood raced to his genitalia. He drew away and quietly left the room.

********

McCoy answered the summons at his door without too much delay. It was late, but he'd been reading. "Come on in, Spock."

"Thank you, Doctor."

"It's time. Isn't it?" McCoy sat down and made a gesture at the other chair. "You look like a starving man, and I know you haven't eaten."

"Yes." Spock didn't sit down. "I don't wish to injure him, but I'm losing control."

"It's scary, isn't it?" McCoy didn't wait for an answer. "We'll pick up the diplomats in two days. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Will two days be enough?" McCoy didn't smile. He hoped all this didn't land Kirk in sickbay.

Spock turned away. "I do not know."

"For his sake, I hope it is. I'll check on you from time to time, and I can sedate you while he takes care of the diplomats." McCoy paused, but pressed on. "Use plenty of lubricant."

Spock whirled back to him. His color was darker green than usual. "Is that a joke?"

McCoy recoiled at the violence in those simple words. "No. No, it wasn't. Do you even have an idea of what you'll be doing?"

Spock lowered his head and glared at McCoy. It was alarming, to say the least. "He is not a woman!"

McCoy hoped the captain was able to guide Spock through this. "Listen to your mate. He'll help you."

"Two days." Spock left in a hurry, and McCoy stared after him. He'd check on them sooner rather than later. Spock was pon farr--dangerous.

********

Kirk woke up instantly when Spock touched him. "Spock?"

"I cannot--"

Kirk clasped Spock to him. There was no need for words that Spock couldn't form. He tore off Spock's clothes. "You're going to be fine."

"Don't let me hurt you." Spock put his hands on Kirk and shuddered. "Restrain me, if you must. Use a phaser--whatever is necessary."

Kirk hadn't been afraid or even worried, but now he wondered if he should have been. He didn't want their first time to be nothing more than rape. They shouldn't have waited, damn it. "It'll be okay." He had to push to get Spock to lie flat, but it was accomplished, and he found lust raging inside both of them.

They kissed, shoved, gripped, groaned, and licked. Kirk had never felt such passion, and he began to lose what little control he had. He wanted to make love to Spock--now. Spock thrust against him.

"I need to be inside you!" Spock shouted. He gripped him tightly. "Help me understand. I donŐt know how not to hurt you."

Kirk felt the same. "Let me get something. We'll take turns." He tried to leave the bed, but Spock exerted his strength and pinned him. Kirk shook his head. "Lubricant!"

Spock didn't hear. The bond screamed in Kirk's ear, all control was lost, and Kirk knew he had to make a choice now. He had to have a semblance of control, or he would be injured. "Commander! Desist!"

"No," Spock growled.

Kirk fumbled for the drawer where he kept his phaser, but it was too far, and Spock wasn't turning him loose. "Spock! Wait!"

Spock wrenched Kirk's legs apart. Kirk shut his eyes. This was going to hurt. He'd go to sickbay as soon as he was able. He braced himself, heard the whine of a phaser, and opened his eyes to see Spock collapsing. The weight of his bondmate smothered him, and Kirk slipped out from underneath him. "Bones!"

"I thought you could use some help." McCoy tucked the phaser away and checked Spock. "Are you honestly willing to do this?"

"We're bonded. I made the choice." Kirk put a protective hand on his bondmate. "It's the pon farr. He can't help himself."

McCoy raised a container and handed it to Jim. "Use this. It'll disinfect, heal, and ease the way. It'll still be a shock, but nothing worse than a knock upside the head."

"Thanks. I should have come to you a week ago." Kirk sighed. "How long will this last?"

"At minimum, two days." McCoy turned away. "I'll be back." He was gone out the door.

Kirk wasted no time in applying the lubricant to himself and Spock. The phaser blast hadn't diminished the need. Spock moaned softly, and Kirk got back on the bed, but this time on his stomach. Two days?

********

The pon farr surged, and Spock found his mate near him. It was a relief. He shook off the lethargy that had gripped him and got on top. He pushed. Slickness enveloped him, making him groan and quiver. His mate. His mate. It pulsed through him and echoed back from his mate. His. His. His.

********

Kirk staggered to his feet and stumbled to the shower. His legs didn't want to cooperate. His stomach growled, and he ached all over, but first, he had to wash.

"Jim?"

Kirk stopped. "Over here, Bones."

"Spock's asleep, huh?"

"More like unconscious." Kirk sagged against a wall. "I'm okay."

McCoy opened his medikit, ran the Feinberger over him, and used the hypospray. And one more time. "You have a nasty bite." He dug out some medicine and smeared it on Kirk's shoulder. "Now you'll live."

Kirk nodded. "I need a shower."

"Better eat while you can. Spock said at least one more day." McCoy packed up and left Kirk's quarters. Kirk hurried. Spock was rarely wrong.

********

Spock raised his head and searched for his mate. His mate was eating at the table, but he had no appetite for food. He rolled off the bed and went to him.

"Morning, Spock. Hungry?"

"Yes." Spock put a hand on his mate's neck. "Now."

********

Kirk tried to get up, but was unable. He simply couldn't wiggle an inch. He'd never been so tired in his life. He heard the door open. "Bones?"

"It's me." McCoy came over to the bed. "You look half-dead."

"Funny, that's the way I feel." Kirk smoothed a hand through Spock's hair. "He's tired too."

"Is he done?"

Kirk shut his eyes and tried to feel Spock's emotions. He groaned. "I don't think so."

"I was afraid of that." McCoy sighed. "You need to be on the bridge in two hours. I'm here to get you ready."

Kirk wanted to whimper. "Please tell me this is a cruel joke."

"I'm going to sedate him. Hopefully, he'll never know you were gone." McCoy opened his medikit. "And I'll stay with him--I promise."

"I trust you." Kirk sighed. "We're scheduling the next one on vacation days."

"Talk to his hormones--not me." McCoy began loading his hypospray. "Go get in the shower."

"I can't walk." Kirk didn't move. He had two hours.

McCoy smiled. "I'm going to write a paper about this."

"I need coffee." Kirk glared.

"I'm going to give you a stimulant. Otherwise, you might fall asleep on the bridge." McCoy pressed the hypospray into Kirk's arm. "You have five minutes to sleep."

Kirk shut his eyes. He needed those five minutes.

********

McCoy kept his hypospray and his phaser close. He'd brought a book. He was fine playing watchdog to a horny Vulcan.

********

Kirk said and did all the right things to smooth the way. He delegated more responsibility than he ever had to Sulu--who was ready for it, and he felt a ripple through the bond that meant he needed to be getting back.

"Scotty, get us to Earth--fast." Kirk stood up. "And you have the bridge. I'll be in my quarters. If there are any problems, contact me there."

Scotty nodded. "Aye, Captain."

Uhura smiled at him. "We won't let you down."

"I know." Kirk smiled. He did know. This crew was the best. The bond grabbed at him, and he got off the bridge fast. He dashed down the hallway and through his door. McCoy was up, backed into a corner, with his hypospray in one hand and a phaser in the other. He looked very worried.

"Spock!"

Spock turned so fast that Kirk blinked. It was a sight to see Spock smile at him. "You were gone."

Kirk marveled again at the ability of the pon farr to strip away all intellect. "I'm here. I'm here."

Spock clasped him to his chest and kissed him. Kirk heard the door shut behind McCoy. His clothes were fast disappearing. "I need you," Spock growled.

Kirk maneuvered them to the bed and the lubricant. Spock grunted in satisfaction.

********

Spock watched his bondmate sleep. The door opened, and he whirled to it. It was McCoy.

"Doctor?" Spock asked softly.

"I'm just checking on you." McCoy moved over to the bed. Spock wanted to thrust him away, but managed to control himself. McCoy smiled. "One hypospray and I'm gone."

"Good." Spock curled around his mate and covered them with a blanket. His mate was tired.

********

Kirk woke up slow and easy. He felt as if he'd been run through a warp drive and spat out. A gentle touch against his back helped him remember why he was so tired. "Hey Spock."

"Jim." Spock put a hand on Kirk's stomach. "Sleep. You are still tired."

Kirk felt the hard cock prodding against him. Insatiable didn't begin to describe it. He shrugged and reached for the cock. Spock groaned softly as Kirk stroked it. "If we could bottle pon farr, we'd make a fortune."

"Attempts have been made to duplicate it, but they all have failed."

Kirk blinked and looked into dark, Vulcan eyes. "It's over."

"The worst of it--yes. It will linger for several more days, but I will have more control." Spock ducked his head. "Did I . . . injure you?"

"No, thanks to McCoy." Kirk wrapped his other arm around Spock and continued stroking. "When this fades, will you want me?"

Spock kissed him. "I have not done this either."

"Good point." Kirk felt his own cock harden. "Is it my turn for top yet?"

"Why would we take turns? You have enjoyed every--"

Kirk clapped his hand over Spock's mouth and glared into his eyes. "Because it's polite!"

Spock's eyes twinkled. They did, and it was infuriating. Kirk slowly released him. Spock began again, "I may not take the enormous pl--"

Kirk reapplied his hand. He was through reasoning with the stubborn Vulcan that had wandered into his bed and been there for days. The lubricant was close, and he applied to himself this time. Spock made no moves and said nothing. Kirk nudged him flat and realized what he was about to do. He shut his eyes and listened. Spock was curious, and still very, very horny. Kirk didn't worry past that point.

********

Kirk relaxed while Spock was in the shower. It was his turn next. The door chimed, and he said, "Come!" It had to be McCoy.

McCoy came in with the medikit. "Dinner with the delegation tonight. You can't get out of it."

"We'll be there. He's the shower. I'm next." Kirk smiled and waved McCoy to a seat. "I'm fine."

McCoy didn't sit. He used his Feinberger instead. "You've lost five pounds, are hovering on the edge of dehydration, and may never orgasm again."

"Well, other than that." Kirk laughed at McCoy's southern drawl and accurate assessment. "I'm drinking water right now."

McCoy gave him a hypospray. "I want to see Spock. I assume he'd prefer here."

"You'd be correct, Doctor." Spock came out of the facilities with a towel around his hips.

Kirk had convinced Spock to try water, just once. "Did you like it?"

"It was wet." Spock shook his head. "Wasteful."

"My turn." Kirk strutted past Spock and tore his towel away--just for fun.

********

The Enterprise was in a perfect orbit around Earth, and Kirk sat in his command chair longer than usual to enjoy the view. He'd have to go down to the main rec room later. Their first mission had been a success, thanks to Sulu. McCoy was right. Milk runs could get crazy, but this one would stand out in his mind until he died.

"Are we going down?"

Kirk turned his chair slightly and smiled at Spock. "Is there anyone you'd like to see?"

Spock raised his eyebrow. "It is your home."

"And yours." Kirk shook his head. "If I get out of this chair, I may find it was all a dream."

Uhura laughed softly. Spock turned back to his station. Kirk let the viewscreen capture his attention again. The planet beneath them was lovely, and it was home, but there would be time for that later.

"Orders coming in from Star Fleet Command." Uhura paused. "We're to collect our crew and head to the Neutral Zone."

Kirk nodded. "Get on it." He stood up. "Make sure to find McCoy."

"Shall I take the helm, Captain?"

Kirk glanced at Spock. "Be my guest." He went to the turbolift and down to the rec room. It was empty. Everyone that could get away was on Earth. He watched the little blue/green planet and smiled.

********

Spock felt the contentment in his bondmate and echoed it back. He studied the viewscreen. It was a part of him that he'd denied, but it was there and would no longer be shoved aside. And yet, this ship was the only true home he'd ever had. Later, perhaps, there would be a chance to find another. Now, he was where he belonged.

//Any regrets?//

//None// Spock listened to Uhura attempting to locate the doctor. //It appears I will be forced to retrieve McCoy//

//It is your job// Kirk laughed through the link. //Commander//

Spock suppressed a groan.

********

McCoy sipped his mint julep and watched the ocean roll in and out. It'd take them awhile to find him, and he was going to enjoy every minute until it happened. He'd earned a day off.

*******

The End

Kirk/Spock Online Festival Spring 2005: Back to the Stories