Out of the Ashes
Many, many thanks to kira-nerys, without whom I would be uninspired. And thanks to Willy and JD for the encouragement and assistance. As always, these characters do not belong to me. I've only borrowed them, not for profit, and returned them as quickly as I could round them up. This story picks up from Chapter 8 of my story by the same name, published in the April issue of Scaly Tales. This will make a lot more sense if you read that part first. Enjoy! Feedback is very much appreciated. There are very, very minor spoilers for Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges. And this story is NASAL (Not All Sunshine and Light - editor's note) - darker than some people may care for. Beware! Tess The beginning of Out of The Ashes is now archived on Kardasi Caresses (editor's note) «:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:» Chapter 9 "Let's me see if I have this straight. Dukat died saving the Colonel, his body was stolen, and she's in shock. Can this situation get any worse?" Captain Sisko rubbed his forehead, trying to relieve the growing headache he felt. "Is there anything else I should know?" "No sir. That's about it," Bashir answered curtly. Every time the doctor was involved in a combat situation, he came back with a bad attitude. He always vented his anger directly at his commanding officer. This time was no exception. Sisko knew he had to get away from him before he said something he might regret. "I want your full report on my desk in one hour, and notify me if there's any change in Kira's condition." "Yes, sir!" Bashir snapped. Sisko decided that would be the last time he ignored the younger man's attitude. He knew the doctor hadn't been himself since Jadzia's death, but he didn't have the time or the patience to deal with him. At times like these, Sisko really missed Jadzia. She had always been so good with Julian. Julian hated to keep secrets, but the details of Kira's pregnancy fell under the doctor-patient confidentiality rule. Julian had always believed strongly in that and he vowed he would not inform Sisko unless her condition worsened. Hopefully, she would be able to tell him herself - and soon. Julian sat beside the sedated Kira in the Infirmary and completed his report. There being nothing else he could do for her, except to keep her sedated and restrained, Julian left Kira with his staff and went to his quarters. In his mind, he mulled over the nearly unbelievable events of the day. The entire Cardassian fleet had been dispatched to search for Dukat but so far, they had found no trace of him. Kira had to be sedated and restrained. She was in a deep state of shock and hadn't recognize anyone except that she had exhibited a peculiar attachment to Damar while they were still on Empok Nor. Julian understood, and had explained to Damar, that she was transferring her attachment to Dukat onto Damar. He was grateful that Sisko hadn't been on the mission, as Kira embracing a Cardassian but not recognizing her old friends and colleagues would have been difficult to explain. Kira's near-catatonic state was no wonder, really. She had suffered great losses in her lifetime, this one perhaps the greatest of all. No one could have withstood the emotional upheaval of all that heartbreak, all that pain. Julian himself was utterly exhausted and emotionally drained. Garak had gone to his quarters as soon as he heard the Defiant had docked. He mixed a perfect pitcher of martinis, dimmed the lights and ran a hot bath for Julian. He had, of course, heard all about the horrible situation at hand and he knew Julian would be in great emotional pain. By the time Julian reached his quarters, tears welled in his eyes and his legs felt so heavy that he could barely walk. Garak stood by the window, silently staring out at the stars. Julian went to him and stood behind, slipping his arms around Garak's waist. He put his chin on Garak's shoulder and let the tears flow freely. Garak cried, too, but for different reasons. Each man thought the other incapable of understanding, and each was righvti_encoding:SR|utf8-nl vti_cachedlinkinfo:VX|S|nutrageous.jpg H|mailto:kaerne@forum.dk H|mailto:kaerne@forum.dk vti_timecreated:TR|26 Apr 2000 14:47:36 +0200 vti_cacheddtm:TX|29 Apr 2000 08:41:28 +0200 vti_timelastmodified:TR|29 Apr 2000 08:39:58 +0200 vti_cachedhasbots:BR|true vti_filesize:IX|2080 vti_extenderversion:SR|3.0.2.926 vti_cachedtitle:SR|THE MORNING AFTER vti_backlinkinfo:VX|archives/st5/poetry.htm vti_cachedhasborder:BR|false vti_author:SR|Carola vti_cachedhastheme:BR|false vti_cachedbodystyle:SR| vti_nexttolasttimemodified:TR|26 Apr 2000 14:47:36 +0200 vti_title:SR|THE MORNING AFTER vti_modifiedby:SR|Carola enhancements. The side effect was manifest in auditory hallucinations. For Julian, the voices he was hearing were echoes from his past: patients he wasn't able to save, people he had disappointed, lovers who had left him, and his father, criticizing and controlling him. The problem was also that there was no solution. Since genetic enhancement was illegal, there was no further research into it, and the doctor himself was the expert in the field. Better than anyone, he knew there was no cure. So Julian treated the symptoms rather than the disease, medicating himself thoroughly with gin whenever the voices became too loud or too intrusive.With determined resignation and a sympathetic smile, Garak delivered the pitcher to the bathroom. "Here you are, just the way you like them." "Fine, then. Now would you be so kind as to leave me in peace? I really don't feel like talking at the moment." Garak was determined not to let him see how much that comment had hurt him, but the silence that grew from it later drove each to his own side of the bed and kept them there. Just before he fell asleep, Julian said quietly "As soon as this is over, I'm leaving for awhile. I need to get away from here." "As soon as what's over?" "The baby. As soon as the baby comes, I'm leaving." He promptly fell asleep, leaving the stunned Garak wide awake with shock. «:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:» Chapter 10 Exactly one week after Gul Dukat's death, the senior officials of DS9 made up part of the very large crowd gathered on Cardassia Prime for the Gul's state funeral. Colonel Kira Nerys, still in her near-catatonic state remained in the Infirmary. Garak had been visiting Kira nearly every day, since she was only responding to Cardassians still, and had promised Julian he would spend several hours with her during the doctor's absence. Julian did not want to attend the funeral, but was under orders. At least Odo and Quark were also going, so he wouldn't have to talk much with Sisko. He had been avoiding the Captain all week. After the military service, as they paid their respects, the Gul's mother, Madame Dukat, asked to speak with Sisko alone. He was struck by her beauty and grace, but he could see the pain in her eyes at the loss of her favorite child. It struck a familiar chord in him."Ah, Captain Sisko. My son spoke of you often. He respected you greatly." Her voice was just as sultry as he would have imagined. "We knew each other a long time. I'm so sorry." "Where's your first officer, Colonel Kira? I would have expected her to be here." Sisko was stunned. "She... was regrettably not able to make the trip. She's still recovering from her... injuries. I'm sure she would want me to express her sympathies to you." It was too little, too contrived. "I see. I'm sorry she was injured, but I must admit, I am glad she's not just avoiding me because of the complications." Sisko heard the tension rise in her voice just as he had heard it in her son so many times. "Complications?" "Yes, the estate," she paused. "I'm sorry, I thought you knew. It seems that my son left over three-quarters of his estate to her. She'll be a very wealthy woman." Sisko knew Madame Dukat was studying him for a reaction. He felt for a moment as though he had the wind knocked out of him. "Ah, well... I'm sure he had his reasons." Oh, how he wished this was over. "Please ask her to contact me when she's feeling better. I'm handling my son's affairs. Thank you for coming." With that, he felt as though he had been mercifully dismissed. He joined the others. When they were several meters away from the other dignitaries, Sisko grabbed Doctor Bashir by the arm. "Doctor, come with me. The rest of you, meet us at the transport point in 15 minutes." Not waiting to see if Julian followed, he began walking determinedly, barely able to control the rage building inside of him. Julian followed a few paces behind, oblivious to the other man's ire. Suddenly, Sisko turned on his heels and his face came within inches of Julian's. He was a mask of anger, eyes narrowed, teeth flashing as he spat "I want you to tell me exactly what is going on here. Do I make myself clear?" "Yes...no... I mean, I don't know what you're talking about." Julian looked confused. "What I mean, doctor, is that I want to know exactly what was going on between my first officer and Gul Dukat, and you are going to tell me!" Julian didn't say a word. He was more sure than ever that he no longer wanted to be a physician, perhaps he would even leave Star Fleet. At this moment, he wasn't even sure he wanted to return to DS9. Sisko was getting angrier by the moment. "I'm waiting." Julian frowned and looked at the ground. "I... I'm sorry. I can't do this." He considered, only briefly, divulging Kira's secret to the Captain, but he was sworn to confidentiality in his medical oath. "Doctor, this is not a request, it is an order!" Sisko stood with his hands on his hips. Without a thought towards his personal safety, never mind his career, Julian Bashir jumped into hi commanding officer's face, grabbed him by the throat and hissed, his nose a mere inch from Sisko's, "I told you, I can't do this. Do you understand me?" Sisko could have subdued the smaller man, but the doctor's actions told him all he needed to know. He knew this situation was completely out of hand. His anger fled as he felt Julian's anguish. Julian took his hands from Sisko and stepped backward, scarcely believing what he had done. "Captain, I'm so sorry." He sounded as if he were drowning. "I need to take an extended leave. I'm going to take Kira to Bajor and see if I can help her. It may take months." "I'll approve your leave immediately. Let's go find the others." Sisko could see the doctor was obviously not himself and hoped that some time away from the station might help him, too. Kira's attachment to Garak was evident by the way she calmed considerably when he was present. He seemed to be the only person she recognized on the station. It had been a fascinating pathology to Julian. He knew it was likely that she was transferring her feelings for Dukat onto Garak because they were both Cardassian. Garak found Kira's sudden attachment to be absolutely fascinating. In fact, the whole situation was fascinating to him. When Julian had first suggested that he sit with Kira, the day he had first started to wean her from tranquilizers, Garak had done it out of curiousity. Now, however, he found himself drawn to her. She was truly the tragic figure in all of this, and he did feel sorry for her. Like himself, she was totally alone in the world with no one to call family. She, too, had suffered the loss of many friends and loved ones. He was content to sit and speak to her in a one-sided conversation, as his voice seemed to calm her. She mostly stared at the ceiling, as she still hadn't uttered a word since returning from Empok Nor, but sometimes she would look at him with sorrowful eyes and he wondered what she was thinking. He saw too much sadness there to believe that she had amnesia for the events on Empok Nor. He could see it in her eyes. With Julian at the funeral, Garak sat, discussing station gossip, the latest fashion crises, the price of Tholian silk, when out of the blue, in a small, child-like, hesitant voice, she spoke. "Garak." So as not to alarm her, he let his voice trail off and very calmly said "Colonel Kira, were you saying something?" She looked almost as if she didn't know the speech had come from her. She moved her mouth in an odd way, then tried again. "Baby okay?" Garak was so relieved that she had truly said something that the meaning was lost on him momentarily. He hugged her before he could stop himself. He laughed softly, "You're going to be fine, just fine." He smiled brightly. She looked confused and then again said "Baby okay?" Suddenly he realized what she meant. He located a tricorder and checked her himself, confirming what he already suspected. "Your baby is fine, just fine. And you shall be, too." He looked deeply in her eyes. She was far from normal, but this was a definite improvement. He had thought, despite Julian's hopefulness, that she might never regain her faculties. He knew she was physically strong, but he had obviously misjudged her mental toughness, and her motivation for getting better. She stared at him, then without warning, grasped his hand and squeezed it, and in a near desperate tone, asked in a voice barely above a whisper "Dukat okay?" Without hesitation, Elim Garak did what came naturally. He lied. "He's fine, my dear, just fine." With that, she took a deep breath and then, she smiled. «:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:» Chapter 11 Garak's eyes betrayed him to Julian."Why are you so interested in Dukat's mother? You sound as though you truly care about her!" Julian looked at least 20 years older than he had the day before. "I told you. We knew each other many, many years ago. I was just wondering how she looked. She loved him deeply, after all!" Julian was too tired to fight... too tired to think. After a deep sigh, he managed a weak smile. "She is, as I am sure you know a very elegant woman. The resemblance is remarkable. She seemed to be holding up well, although I really didn't speak with her much. She talked with the Captain quite a bit, though. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone." Julian locked himself in his bathroom then with a bottle of gin. Garak knew he would have to take care of him later, but right now, he needed to speak with Captain Sisko. The Captain knew that Garak only asked to see him officially when it was important, so he met with him immediately. "Captain, thank you for seeing me so quickly. I need to speak with you off the record. Confidentiality in this matter is of the utmost importance." Sisko's interest was piqued. "Mr. Garak, I can assure you complete confidentiality, as always." Sisko felt the skin on the back of his neck begin to tingle. He could see that Garak was a bit hesitant to begin. "Is this about Doctor Bashir?" Perhaps he had told Garak about their unfortunate incident on Cardassia Prime. "No, not directly. I would like to know about Gul Dukat's mother. Julian told me you spoke with her at some length." He hesitated. "I'm worried about her. You see, we were once very close. Dukat was her favorite child, and I, of course, wish I could see her, talk with her, but that is not possible. Tell me, Captain, please. What did she say? How did she seem?" Sisko didn't like the feelings he was getting from this encounter. "She seemed like a mother who had just lost her son. Perhaps if you tell me what it is you are really wanting to know..." "Captain, please bear with me. This is very difficult for me." "She's a beautiful woman, very dignified. She didn't seem terribly distraught, but there was an air of sadness about her, and tiredness." Garak seemed to relax a bit then. "Captain, did she say anything of importance?" Garak dared not ask if she had mentioned him. "Garak, what I'm going to tell you must remain in strictest confidence. She asked about Colonel Kira, why she wasn't with us, and she needs to see the Colonel once she's recovered. It seems," he was watching Garak carefully for any reaction, "that Dukat left the bulk of his estate to the Colonel." Garak couldn't stop the look of surprise from covering his face. Sisko waited a moment for him to speak, but he didn't. "Now why do you suppose he would do that?" Sisko didn't hide the edge in his voice. He was tired of being kept in the dark. Garak took a deep breath, then he traded secret for secret with the Captain. "She's carrying his child." Garak felt no guilt over telling Sisko this, as it wasn't his secret to keep, and he was reasonably sure Sisko wouldn't divulge it to anyone. Sisko couldn't believe he had heard correctly. After having watched Dukat tease and pursue Kira for 7 years, he had never thought she would have given in. Things were certainly much clearer now. Kira's condition, not just her physical symptoms of late, but her breakdown after Dukat's death, as well as Bashir's attitude were now completely understandable. He wondered how long Kira and Dukat had been "involved" and when she had planned to tell him about her pregnancy. On his way back to quarters, Garak stopped briefly at Kira's quarters. Breaking in was no challenge and he even took the time to replicate a glass of kanar before using her comm port to call Dukat's mother. She answered the call herself and he was grateful - of course, she had thought the call came from Colonel Kira. When she saw Garak's face, she touched the view screen, as if to feel him through it. Tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. Garak felt a lump in his throat. She hadn't aged a day since he had seen her last, all those years ago. They gazed upon each other without speaking for the longest time. Finally, Garak collected himself and broke the silence. "Ah, my dear. I had to see for myself that you are okay. I wish..." his voice was breaking, tears filling his eyes. "As do I, Elim. As do I." She wiped her eyes and tried to regain her composure. In truly Cardassian fashion, hostility was the way to deal with one's grief. He admired her more than ever when he heard the edge to her voice. "How well do you know this Colonel Kira? What was her relationship with my son?" She was always one to cut straight to the heart of the matter. Garak took a deep breath. "I've known her for several years. She's a Bajoran... of course, you knew that already. She and your son were... close." The look on his face spoke volumes. "Are her injuries serious?" "She will survive." Madame Dukat was interrupted by someone in the distance and cut the comm link just after she smiled a bittersweet smile and they said their goodbyes. Garak's feelings for her hadn't changed in all of his absence from Cardassia. He wished he could tell her about the baby, but he felt he should wait until he knew that the child, and Kira, would be okay. He had a plan that would be best for everyone, if he could just get all of the elements to click into place. Just as he was leaving her quarters, he spotted a small box under the edge of her bed. It was sealed and apparently had not been opened until he carefully pried it open. It contained a key, a map, and a piece of paper with a note in Dukat's elegant handwriting: My darling, Nerys. I acquired this small part of Bajor as a gift for you. It is my fervent hope that our love will grow there. It is a small farm house on the Holana River with lots of land. Even if we cannot be together, I want you to have this. If you go there without me, please think of me fondly and remember how much I love you. D. Garak put the package back together and took it with him. He could almost hear the pieces of his plan clicking into place. «:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:» Chapter 12 "The patient - he is alive?""Barely." "Can he be saved?" "We will do what we can." With Julian and Kira on leave, Garak accompanied them to the estate Dukat had purchased for Kira. It was in a beautiful pastoral setting near the Holana River, far removed from any neighbors. It was an actual working farm years ago, complete with barn and stables. How like Dukat to fancy himself "lord of the manor", Garak thought when he first saw the place. The three settled in for the remainder of Kira's pregnancy, adjusting quickly because of the peaceful surroundings. The quiet rushing of the river was a tonic to Kira. With Julian's guidance and Garak's encouragement, Kira made a little progress each day. It was the nights that had her suffering the most. For awhile, once she had begun to accept the reality of Dukat's death, she was able to slip peacefully into a safe, happy fantasy life every night when she went to bed. Sometimes she would even allow herself the luxury of talking to him as if he were there. "Oh, Dukat... the baby is getting so big. Can you feel her kicking? Here, put your hand right here. Isn't that incredible? We created this life. Our love created this life. I love you, Dukat. I know you love me, too. We're going to be so happy together. Once the baby comes, Julian and Garak can leave and we'll be alone. What's that? Of course we'll have more children." Her voice was breaking. "I want to have lots and lots of babies with you. If only..." she broke into sobs as reality crept in, nearly ruining her fantasies. "Damn you, Dukat, damn you! You promised me..." Every evening in the seclusion of her room, Kira Nerys felt his nearness. In a seemingly sacred ritual, she lit a candle and beckoned his ghostly presence. If she tried hard enough, she could feel his bare skin against her own, the hardness of his chest and abdomen against the softness of her increasing girth, the exquisite fire of his lips against her throat. Once or twice, she had felt his hot breath against her ear. She ached for his touch, burned for it. The breeze arced across her bare skin like sparks from a shooting star. Memories of his touches, his kisses, his passion for her stoked her inner flame. And then his presence was there with her. He came to her like a specter in the darkness, swept her up in his arms and made passionate love to her, but then there followed a vacant, hollow, unfulfilled sensation. Each time the waves of pleasure subsided, reality set in briefly and she would realize it was her own hand, not his, between her thighs, and she would know that her bed was terribly, painfully empty. She would cry herself to sleep, then, with only her own arms to comfort her. His features, present in the flickering candlelight, disappeared into the darkness of her tormented soul as morning drew near. These nights were the longest, hardest, darkest times for Kira. It was on one of these empty, aching nights when Garak first began coming to share Kira's bed. Julian was, of course, caring for Kira's medical needs as adequately as any physician would. Garak was somewhat more concerned, however, with Kira's mental state. Julian was directing her "reality therapy" but Garak alone knew that the doctor was in so much personal pain, he could really be of no help to Kira in that regard. Ever since Julian had returned from the funeral, his condition had been harder and harder to hide. Everyone had noticed a difference in him. It was Garak, though, as Julian's confidant, who felt the brunt of the younger man's wrath. Sisko had seemed almost pleased that Julian had asked for a leave of absence to take Kira to Bajor. Garak suspected that Sisko was appreciative of Julian's determination to see Kira through the pregnancy, but more likely he was just glad to be rid of the doctor's sullen irascibility. Garak was at a loss when it came to helping Julian. He never would have expected that their only conversation sometimes for days at a time would consist of "leave me alone" or "you just don't understand". He would have given anything if Julian would have just come to him, asked him for help, needed him. But Julian withdrew farther into himself with each day, and Garak, therefore, had no choice but to accompany them to Bajor to help the healing process along. Garak himself had some healing to do, also. The shame he felt at not being able to go to Cardassia, to go to Dukat's mother and comfort her as only he could - was nearly unbearable. That pain, as well as his promise to watch over Kira, were reason enough for him to focus his attention on her. Once she was herself again, and the child safely born, everything else would fall into place - he was sure of it. For the time being, he learned to ignore Julian's hurtful comments, his self-serving iciness, his loathsome drunkenness. Instead, he concentrated on helping Kira heal her broken heart. In passing her room one night, he heard the muffled sounds of her cries through the door. He knocked lightly and waited for her response. She sounded so pitiful that it tore at his heart when she answered. The light from the hallway showed him that she was in bed, and that she had been crying quite a bit. He felt as though his heart might break in two when he saw her hesitantly, plaintively reach towards him. It was then that their secret relationship had begun. Now, late in Kira's pregnancy, each of them had settled into a routine. Every evening, Kira or Garak would cook dinner, then they would all eat in companionable silence, then Julian would resume drinking heavily, usually retreating to the bedroom fairly early in the evening. Garak would sometimes accompany him, but once Julian was asleep, Garak would slip out and join Kira. There was no sex between them, no mention of the future, just affection and a curious intimacy. When he tried to look at the situation objectively, Garak knew that Kira was transferring some of her feelings for Dukat onto him. His interest in her was mostly curiosity - this was certainly a change he never would have expected, but to be honest, he was grateful for her affection, too. It helped ease his pain. And he had promised to protect the child... Tucked safely into bed in the arms of a Cardassian, not the right Cardassian, but a Cardassian who cared for her nonetheless, Kira awoke with a start when the baby gave her a sharp kick. As she fought her way out of her delusional state, she realized Garak was having a nightmare. She held him closer to her - as close as her swollen breasts and belly would allow. She gently put her lips to his, then whispered "Garak... Garak...." She shook him gently and he stirred. "Wha? What?" "You were having a nightmare." She laid her head on his chest. It took him several seconds before his pounding heart would let him answer her. "I was just dreaming about... something." They held each other tightly and she fell asleep almost immediately. He lay awake for a long time, ruminating over the dream he had just had. It wasn't really a dream, more of a revisitation of old ghosts. When it had happened, Garak had been certain that Julian and Kira were outside, getting some fresh air and sunshine, when he decided to contact Dukat's mother, ostensibly to give her a progress report on the baby. He used Julian's computer in the study. He had established a secure comm link easily and was greeted by Madame Dukat. "Elim, my darling." "Ah, my darling. It is so wonderful to see you looking so well. How are things on Prime?" "Very well, I believe. How are you and how is my grandchild?" "I'm fine and the Colonel's fine, too. You should see her. She's as big as a house. It shouldn't be too much longer." He beamed at her. As shyly as a young girl, she blushed and looked at her hands. Her voice changed and Elim Garak felt the longing like a knife in his chest. "Oh, Elim! I do wish we could be together. You've no idea how many times I've thought of just giving up everything, of running to you. I dream of throwing my arms around you, of holding your face in my hands and just staring into your eyes forever. We were so good together, Elim. I should never have let..." Her voice trailed off as she fought back tears. Old demons and regrets threatened to choke Garak, and as he fought for control, searching for the words to comfort her, he realized Julian was standing a few feet behind him. His voice noticeably different, terse, professionally detached, he turned back to the monitor. "My dear, I'm afraid this comm link is no longer secure. Garak out." Her image faded from the monitor. Garak waited for Julian to speak. Julian was visibly shaking when he finally felt the words bubble up inside of him. He couldn't have stopped them erupting from his throat if he had tried. "You... were... lovers?" Tears streamed down his face. He dared not take a step closer to Garak. "And you are still lovers, aren't you?" Julian looked at him accusingly. Garak sighed deeply and took a step closer. "It's not that simple, Julian. There's a lot you don't know, that no one may know. There are things about me that you can never know, as I am sure I have told you." "Yes, I know that, but you could have told me the two of you were lovers!" He spat the last word. Sensing Julian's growing rage, Garak lunged toward him, intending to capture him in his arms, to try to turn this situation around before it become irreparable. Julian was quicker and he escaped Garak's grasp, watching as the Cardassian fell, hitting his head on the corner of a table. Julian grunted with unfamiliar pleasure as he saw his lover sprawled on the floor, saw the bloody gash on his forehead. He stepped over Garak on his way out of the room and very coldly, in a voice even he didn't recognize, said "I hope you fucking bleed to death." Kira, nappnig in the sun a few yards from the house, was totally oblivious to the events unfolding inside. Julian had locked himself in the bedroom with a fresh bottle of gin, unable to appreciate the predictability of his actions, desperately attempting to shut out the voices that plagued him day and night. He constantly heard his father criticizing him for being with Garak, for being a failure, for wasting his life, and so he drank. On his way to the bedroom, he passed himself in a mirror and did not recognize the man he saw. Garak was fighting for consciousness and reliving the unpleasant experience of the night his life had changed forever. He had spent the afternoon in the arms of the most beautiful woman in the Cardassian Empire - yes, she was quite a bit older than he; yes, she was the wife of a Legate and the mother of a promising young Gul, but she was his. Their passion for each other threatened to consume them. They had resisted each other for weeks, then when they no longer could be apart, they met in a secluded place and made love for hours. This day was different than any other, though, because after making love the last time, Madame Dukat announced that she had a plan. She was going to take her share of their considerable wealth and leave the Legate, and her children. She was planning a life with Elim, who was so young at the time, he actually believed the plan would work. He agreed to it willingly, never realizing how it would affect the rest of his life. Consciousness descended upon Elim Garak with a violent burst of nausea. The sensation was strong enough to make him jerk into an upright position. His hand instinctively went to his wounded head, and upon seeing the blood on his fingertips, the day's events came back to him as the fog cleared. He got up slowly, and after checking on Kira through the window, went to clean up and repair his injured scalp. As he looked upon the aging, drawn, weary face in the mirror, he knew that he would have to do whatever it would take to make things right with Julian. Much later, after he and Kira had dined, he went to make his peace with Julian, armed with a hypospray of an anti-alcohol stimulant and a serious albeit unfamiliar willingness to tell the truth, consequences be damned. He easily picked the lock on the bedroom door and entered cautiously, not wishing to be a victim of violence twice on the same day. He turned on a light in the corner, which revealed his beloved Julian, passed out sideways across the bed. He deftly administered the hypospray and then held Julian down on the bed. Julian's look soured as he regained consciousness and saw Garak looming over him. "Leave me alone," he slurred. "No, Julian. You are going to listen to me. You are going to hear the whole sordid story whether you like it or not." Julian stared at him sullenly as the entire story came pouring out of Garak's mouth. Garak told him of his childhood, his time at the military academy, and the day his best friend, Glinn Dukat, had taken him home to the family estate. That was the fateful day when he had first met Madame Dukat. As he described her to Julian, he felt his heart sting. Julian turned his face away. It was as though she were there, between them. Garak shook him. "Look at me! I'm not telling you this to hurt you. Come now, Julian, you've wondered about all of this for years. Well, I'm about to clear up all of your suspicions, so hear me!" Julian relaxed slightly then and Garak continued. "Madame Dukat was so eager to start a new life, away from Cardassian politics, that she wanted me, compelled me, really, to kill her husband, to free her from her obligations to the State. We had a perfect plan. Everything went like clockwork. Until I ruined it. You see, I was there, alone with the Legate, and when the time came for me to kill him, I couldn't do it. You see, my dear doctor, it takes a lot of practice to kill a man while you look him in the eye. I was barely a man, and I was a coward. Madame Dukat, being a wise and experienced woman, realized from the start that I wasn't the man I thought myself. She came up behind the Legate and, rather appropriately, stabbed him in the back. She made her escape just as the Legate lay dying at my feet, and Gul Dukat came in to find us. I let him blame me all these years for the death of his father. How could I not? I couldn't tell him his own mother had killed the Legate, and that I was her lover! I let him blame me.... hate me.... for all these many years. And to keep our guilty secret, Madame Dukat and I vowed never to see each other again." Julian was able, finally, to free himself from Garak's grasp. Exhausted and empty, Garak rolled over onto his back on the bed. He fully expected to be physically assaulted for his revelations, or worse yet, to have Julian walk away without saying anything. He was completely surprised when Julian came to him gently, instead, softly touching his face, kissing his lips, then lying down next to him, embracing him lovingly. "I know it was hard for you to tell me that. I understand. I just wish..." his voice was broken. "I just wish I had known all along." Garak lay spent on the bed. In a tired voice, nearly sobbing, he said "Don't you see, Julian? I couldn't endanger Dukat's mother. But his death brought all of these feelings back. I needed to know that she was well. She loved him more than anything else. They were so close... I had to speak with her, even if I couldn't go to her. I still care for her very much. I owe her that much." Julian suddenly felt very ashamed. He knew he had been behaving badly since returning from Empok Nor. He felt as though he were drowning in a sea of despair, yet he still was not able to talk about it with Garak. This was a shame that he was determined to carry alone. He reassured Garak, told him he still loved him, and that they would get past this somehow. Burying his true feelings deep inside and medicating them with alcohol was the way to deal with this for now. Garak was too tired to argue or explain any more and fell into a deep sleep. «:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:» Chapter 13 "The patient is stronger today.""Yes." "Will he survive?" "Possibly. He is impressive. A lesser man would have died." The Glinns had been dismissed for the long weekend but Glinn Garak was in no hurry to leave the Academy. He was slowly, meticulously packing his things when Glinn Dukat strode by with his usual arrogant swagger. "Going home for the weekend, Garak?" Garak regarded him somewhat warily. The two young men were in many of the same classes and the competition between them was usually fierce. "No, not this time." Dukat turned toward him with a surprised look on his face, eye ridges raised. "Why not? Where are you going?" Garak sighed. His social position or lack thereof was embarrassing, especially when confronted by someone from a rich and influential family such as Dukat. "My mother's employer had other plans. I'm going into the city and get a room for the weekend - see the sights." He knew his voice was giving away his disappointment. "Nonsense. Come home with me." Even as a teenager, Dukat had an air of authority. They made pleasant conversation in the hovercar on the trip to the Dukat family estate. Garak relaxed somewhat and hid his surprise that Dukat was treating him as an equal, almost as a friend. In fact, by the time they reached the main house, Dukat's persona had changed to a drastic degree. Garak couldn't help but stare as Dukat leapt from the hovercar before it had even fully stopped, running toward the house and bounding up the steps. Garak had to run to keep up. "Mother! Mother! I'm home!" Dukat was searching for her. She was apparently in a distant part of the house and she came in out of breath, just as eager for her son as he was for her. Garak stepped back and stared uncomfortably at the floor, stealing sidelong glances at the remarkable reunion in front of him. Dukat was taller than his mother and he swept her up in his arms, hugging her tightly to him, lifting her feet from the floor. He swung her around and their laughter, rich and vibrant, filled the room. As he turned toward his companion, Garak was struck by the wide smile, so honest and true. The obvious joy and open love between the two were infectious and Garak couldn't help but smile. Their embrace seemed to last forever, but Dukat finally put her down. She took his face in her hands and looked deeply into his sparkling eyes. "Ah, my handsome son, home at last. And whom have you brought along this time?" She was the most beautiful woman Garak had ever seen, so elegant, so young, looking more like she should be the Glinn's sister than his mother. "Ah, mother, this is my friend, Glinn Garak. His mother is..." "I know who his mother is." She cut her son off in mid sentence and took one of Garak's hands in her own. "Welcome to our home." She smiled broadly. By the end of the weekend, Garak was in love with her. He would, of course, never dare to speak of this to anyone. Cardassians had no taboos against older women and younger men, but Garak realized there was not even a remote possibility that she would ever be interested in someone of his status. But he could dream... Then came the note. "Madame Dukat requests your presence at her city apartment for lunch today, 1200 hours." He kept that note for years. "Ah, Glinn Garak, thank you for coming. As you know, my son's birthday is next month and I need your help in planning his party." So it had started. Secret meetings, hushed communications, a touch here, a laugh there... Three weeks later, they were lovers. Their affair lasted for several months until the day Elim Garak's world fell apart. Garak's career was looking up. He had been recruited by the Obsidian Order and was thrilled by the new challenges before him. He had resisted going to her for weeks, confused by his feelings, torn between his loyalty to the State and his need for her. Finally, with his body screaming for hers, they met at a remote location and fell into each other's arms. "Oh, Elim, I feared we would never be together again!" She was breathless, eager for his touch, her scales already on fire before he had even touched her. He took her face in his hands and kissed her slowly, deeply, letting his tongue ravage her mouth. He moaned as her fingers moved under his tunic and she slid her hands up his chest. She moaned into his mouth, her desire for him so great. Usually it was he who had to fight to control his ardent desire, to prolong the experience, but this time, it was she who was too eager, too desperate. He took it as a compliment and acceded to her wishes. As his tongue and teeth found their way down the side of her neck, after a brief stop at her ear, she tore at his clothes. Her apparent rush was flattering and made Garak slow things down all the more, as he took control of the situation, and of her. He reached around and unfastened the back opening of her neckline, sliding her dress forward off her shoulders. She shivered noticeably under his touch and his stiff manhood twitched in response. His pheromones released of their own accord and met with hers - the effect nearly overwhelming both of them. His fingertips grazed her breasts, her nipples hardened, tingling in anticipation of his touch. His greedy mouth sought out one nipple, then the other, as her breathing became faster and more ragged. She stroked him through his pants, but he caught her hands and held them behind her. His self-control had impressed her... ever since the second time. The first time was a carnal frenzy, but once she had accepted the role of teacher and he of student, he had learned well. She smiled as she thought how their roles were reversed - she was now the eager one, urgent in her need for him. Suddenly, she dropped to her knees in front of him and pressed her cheek against his groin, the heat there making her breath catch in her throat. "Oh, Elim... please don't make me wait any longer," she begged. His neck ridges engorged even further, to the point of being painful, and he sank to his knees in front of her. "My darling..." Their mouths met in an almost violent collision. She tore his pants open, freeing his straining erection and grasping it in both hands. All self-control was lost then as he pushed her back on the floor and slid up her body, a long, low growl escaping his throat as his scales came into contact with hers. He impaled her with his shaft, then began the rhythmic thrusting that drove them both beyond restraint. She threw her legs around him and thrust back at him, ladylike pretense giving way to pure animal heat. When she raked her nails along the scales on his back, Garak lost his last shreds of control and pumped wildly, driving himself into her with youthful energy and complete abandon. Her pleasure crashed down upon her with full force until her soul left her body, or so it felt. Garak buried his face in her hair and breathed in her scent as his climax approached with such velocity as to leave him trembling in its wake. It was Kira's screaming that tore Garak from Madame Dukat's arms in the dream he was enjoying. He was amazed that her shrieking did not awaken the doctor in Julian, but he rose and went to her alone, unaware that his arousal was so intense and his pheromones were thick like a foggy mist all around him. Kira was more agitated than he had seen her in weeks. "Shhhhh.... there, there, my dear. Did you have a nightmare?" He sat down beside her on the bed and put his arms around her. He could feel her trembling and her face was wet with salty tears. Her breathing was uneven as she fought to gain control of her emotions. She sighed deeply and began: "It... wasn't exactly a dream, really. I remembered something, something Dukat said. He told me... something." Kira spoke hesitantly with long pauses between her words. She wasn't sure if she wanted to bring this into the open. Garak was content to let her take her time, and he settled back on the bed, holding her. Kira fought her inner battle and finally reached her decision. She shook him gently to be sure he was awake. "Garak?" "Hmmm?" If he had been asleep, he gave no sign of irritation with her. "Dukat's alive. Somewhere. I know he is. He told me... I can feel it." Garak felt a chill as if the cold, icy fingers of death had just played up and down his spine. It took him a long few seconds to assemble a response, and he swallowed hard as he said, "Oh?" Kira didn't answer. She had already fallen into a peaceful sleep, her head on his shoulder, his arms around her. «:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:» Chapter 14 "Has the patient regained consciousness?""No. He has been delirious." "Has he said anything helpful?" "Only a name. Sisko." Julian awoke early, clear headed for the first morning in weeks. Not so self-deluded as to believe he was currently strong enough to quit drinking, he vowed nevertheless to enjoy this day sober. Hearing the truth from Garak made him feel somewhat liberated. Garak's revelations certainly cleared up a lot of mystery about the past. He stretched in bed, unused to waking up without a hangover, and realized he was alone. Garak must be making breakfast. He rose to meet the day with renewed hope. He caught the lingering scent of Garak's pheromones and followed them down the hallway. During the night, which was unusually still and humid, as Bajor's rainy season was due to begin any day, Garak had removed his robe and pajama top. In her sleep, Kira had felt the scales and ridges on Garak's chest and her brain led her to believe it was Dukat in bed with her, so she was plastered tightly to him when he awoke. It was Julian's sharp intake of breath from the doorway which awakened him. Before he could gently disentangle himself from Kira's grasp, Garak heard the slamming of the bedroom door down the hall. He could almost taste the loss of any progress he might have made the day before. Now, however, there was a new wrinkle in the situation - Julian was now in possession of a powerful secret, a secret dangerous to so many. "Julian, please... open the door." Garak pleaded from the hallway. "It's not what it looks like. Julian... please. Listen to me. I can explain." Half an hour later, Garak gave up and went to see if Kira was awake. By evening, the rainy season had begun in earnest. In that part of Bajor, it always began with a monsoon and this year was no different. Kira and Garak had spent the day playing chess, sipping tea, and passing the time like two old friends. If Kira knew about the morning's unpleasantness, she made no acknowledgment, and Garak was grateful for that. Mercifully, Julian had spent the entire day in the bedroom, only coming out once to retrieve a couple more bottles of gin from the kitchen. Garak had tried to speak to him, then, but Julian would not listen. One interesting change brought on by Julian's discovery was that Garak and Kira were now free to sleep together without the need for subterfuge. As the thunder crashed and the rain pounded outside, life's little ironies were not lost on Elim Garak. That he should be in bed with Colonel Kira-Nerys, former Bajoran resistance fighter and formerly possessing an extreme hatred for Cardassians was indeed quite surprising. That they should be the closest of friends was completely unexpected. That she should be very pregnant with Dukat's child, grandchild of his own former lover, was simply unbelievable. He held her close as he listened to her softly breathing. By the next afternoon, as Garak was wondering if he should make excuses to Kira for Julian's absence, Julian Bashir had reached a decision. By early evening, the storm was raging and Garak was becoming restless. "Julian... open this door now!" When he received no response, Garak forced the door open. He found Julian surprisingly awake, showered and shaved, sitting by the window, watching the storm. "Ah, quite a weak lock. It's a wonder anyone ever had any privacy here." Garak was testing the waters. Julian looked at him with lifeless eyes, the coldness of his glare piercing Garak's heart with surgical precision. He went to Julian and stood beside him, putting his hand on the younger man's shoulder. The cringe and shudder that were Julian's response gave Garak more pain than he would have expected. A single tear rolled down the tired gray face. "I wish you would listen to me. Hear my side. Please, Julian, for all we've meant to each other?" He couldn't remember ever feeling so helpless. "I'm listening," Julian said flatly. "I know you're upset. Anyone would be. You know I care for Kira, because of the baby, and she had a terrible, screaming nightmare. I heard her screams and I went to her, to comfort her, and I fell asleep. End of story." "What about the other nights?" "Other nights?" "Yes." The pause that followed before Garak could answer put even more distance between them, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. "Julian, Kira needed me. I don't know what else I can say. What would you have had me do? You know that it is you that I love. I have never been unfaithful to you - not once." Julian seemed to be retreating into sullen silence again. A long pause followed, then he finally spoke in a clear, determined, unemotional voice. "I'm leaving." "What?" Garak felt the air leave his chest as surely as if an invisible fist had just connected violently with his diaphragm. "I said I'm leaving. I can't help Kira. I can't even help myself. My career is over. I am a failure. I can't control this... this thing in my head." A thousand questions crowded Garak's mind simultaneously, one weighing more heavily than the others. "What about the baby, and Kira? You are still her physician. You can't mean you're leaving before the baby is born!" "Indeed I am. I'm leaving today. You can make arrangements with a local physician in town. I'm sure she'll be fine in your capable hands." "I cannot believe you're walking out on her - on us. The nearest town is 100 kilometers from here. What if something goes wrong? It was your idea to bring her here, and now you're leaving her here, so close to term?" "Yes, and it was a mistake to bring her here, to think that I could help her. It's just another in a long procession of many mistakes I've made. It's time for me to right some wrongs, to fix what I can. And to do that, I must leave here. Today." For a moment, Garak wondered if Julian's plan involved Dukat's mother in any way, but he refused to be frightened by the pathetic man Julian had become. His eyes narrowed as he began to pace, gathering strength with each breath. "So, because you fancy yourself a failure, you're going to walk out on a pregnant woman who needs you, who may give birth any day. Not to mention walking out on the one man who loves you. Well, I shouldn't be surprised! You've turned into the most immature, self-pitying, pathetic shell of a man I've ever known. I suppose you're going back to Star Fleet. Well, it suits you. You'll fit right in with them. I do hope you're going to find another career. You're hardly qualified to be a physician. You seem to be lacking in the main qualification - compassion. I'll leave you to pack now. Do be sure to hurry along - you've so many 'wrongs to right', Julian." "Ah, Garak. Plain, simple, lying, cheating Garak. You'll never understand me at all, really, will you? Well, I suppose I shouldn't expect you to start now." Garak was already out the door, having soundly slammed it behind him. By the time he reached the living room, Garak had decided not to tell Kira about Julian's decision. He didn't want to place her under any more stress. In the morning, he would take her into town and find a new physician. Outside, the storm continued and the booming thunder masked the slamming of doors as Julian made his exit. As Kira and Garak slept in each other's arms, Julian made his way in the pouring rain and howling wind to the barn. Once inside, he lit a lantern and prepared to embark upon his journey. His fingers worked swiftly with the rope, having the practiced experience of an expert horseman. From his jacket pocket, he produced a bottle of gin and a glass. He smiled to himself as he saw his own hands shake slightly as he poured a drink. He chuckled to himself as he raised the glass to his lips. "Nothing to be nervous about, old boy" he reassured himself. He downed the gin in a few quick swallows, determined to be underway. With rare clarity and unimaginable determination, he went about his preparations silently and meticulously, the only sounds he heard were the rain beating against the barn, the thunder crashing and the steady pounding of his own heart beat. When he was satisfied with his preparations, Doctor Julian Bashir thoughtfully extinguished the lantern, climbed up the ladder and placed the noose around his neck. Without hesitation, he took the long step forward and silenced the voices forever. «:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:» Chapter 15 "Will the patient be strong again?""I do not know. The pain will be great." "Perhaps he will choose not to live." "He seems to have a strong desire to survive." The next afternoon, Garak found himself pacing the floor in the study, wishing Julian hadn't gone. Kira was uncomfortable, restless, and Garak felt surely that the baby was going to come soon. More than that, though, he missed Julian already. Once the baby came, he would be free to go and find Julian and make things right. A glass of kanar helped calm his nerves. The storm had died down and Kira decided that going for a walk might help ease her aching muscles. Garak was glad to be free of her company for a while so that he could try to think more clearly about where Julian might have gone and how to go about finding him. He hoped that when he did find him, the young doctor might have found some inner peace and shaken off the depression he had carried around like a badge of dishonor since Dukat's death. Just before she left, Garak said, "Oh, my dear, when you return from your walk, could you bring a lantern from the barn, please? I think we should have one just in case the storm knocks out the power. Just bring a small one if you can." She assured him that she would. He was so considerate - it made her smile. Kira wanted to take advantage of the fleeting sunshine and get some fresh air. She knew that something was wrong with Garak, but that he was also trying very hard to cover it up, so she decided not to press him about it. He would tell her whenever the time was right. In the meantime, she felt great joy at knowing the baby would soon be born and she would have a living, breathing testament to the love she had once shared with Dukat. She began walking along the river bank, enjoying the sounds of the rushing water and the breeze in the trees. She walked slowly, taking it all in, savoring the beauty and peacefulness around her. The wind in the trees called to her - she heard it, heard him call her by name twice - "Nerys.... Nerys..." and then he was with her. She stopped walking and shivered slightly in the breeze. She rubbed her bare upper arms with her hands, crossing her arms in front of her. She could feel his hands on hers, felt them slip down her arms, across her swollen breasts and caress her bulging abdomen, ripe with his child. She laughed softly. "I suppose you like seeing me like this. I know what you're thinking... you're planning on keeping me pregnant all of the time," she giggled. "Well, we'll have to talk about that!" The wind pushed at her back insistently. She began to walk again, even as she felt his breath on her neck and his fingertips in her hair. "Oh, Dukat! How did you find such a perfect place? It's so peaceful here, so serene. We could have been so happy here. It's just like in a dream I had when I found I was pregnant. Even then, you knew. You've always known me better than anyone - even myself." Kira heard Dukat's deep, velvety laughter in the rumble of distant thunder and the wind began to swirl around her. As the clouds rolled in, Kira knew that the storm was close at hand. With a sigh and a brief comment to the Prophets about their timing, she turned around to return to the house. As she neared the barn, she remembered Garak's request and opened the barn door with some difficulty against the wind. The storm was very close and she would have to hurry. She found one of the lanterns just inside the door and was about to leave when the wind caught the barn door and tore it open, slamming it back against the exterior wall, lighting up the entire barn with daylight. The noise of the barn door made her jump and she laughed at herself for that, then turned around to look at the whole of the barn. The shadow she saw was intriguing and she had to take a few steps further into the barn to see what was creating it. The thunder and pounding rain began unnoticed outside just as she saw Julian's feet and legs swinging from the rafter at the far end of the barn. At first she felt the whole situation surreal, as if in a dream or a nightmare, but she was compelled to go to him. When she saw his face, puffy and discolored, she knew it was all too true. She stifled a scream and ran, sobbing, shrieking toward the barn door. The clouds had obscured the sun by then and the barn began to darken considerably inside. She felt the pain hit her lower abdomen like a sledgehammer and doubled over with it before she could even think. She was a few yards from the door when it slammed shut with the force of a hurricane. She thought her sudden dimming of vision was from the darkness of the storm clouds, but soon realized she was close to passing out. She reached for a hay bale to ease her way onto the ground and promptly lost consciousness. Garak was looking out the window, wondering where Kira could have gone when the storm came up. He had been rather enjoying Bajor until then, but the constant storms were unnerving to him. He preferred heat to wind and rain any time. He was looking directly at the barn when he saw lightning hit a tree next to it, shattering the rather substantial tree and slamming a good portion of it up against the barn door. Of course, she is in the barn. Kira's prophets have an odd sense of humor. This is almost funny. He retrieved a raincoat from the closet and went out to see if she was indeed in the barn. He surveyed the end of the barn where the tree had fallen and realized there was no way he was going to be able to enter there, but at the other end of the building was a much larger door, presumably for farm equipment or such. It was quite difficult to open in the wind and rain. Garak was also a bit nervous about the lightning. There was never lightning on Cardassia, and he didn't really want to observe it so closely. With a great tug, he finally managed to slide the door open enough to slip inside. It was nearly dark outside now and the barn interior was even darker, but he groped around until he found a lantern hanging by the door. He lit it and held it in front of him as he called out for Kira. Only silence greeted him. If she was here, something was terribly, awfully wrong. He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that things were definitely not working out as he had planned. It was then that he saw his beloved Julian, hanging by the neck directly above him. Garak froze in his tracks. «:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:» Chapter 16 Garak stood, not moving, for several long moments before his mind could grasp the horror of what his eyes were seeing. Tears streamed unnoticed down his face. Acting automatically, he located a large, sharp, sickle shaped knife among the farm equipment and climbed up the rafter to reach Julian. It was a difficult process, but he managed to cut the rope and carefully lower Julian's body slowly to the ground. He climbed down and knelt beside him, one small corner of his mind still hoping in vain for resurrection. He carefully untied the noose, straightened Julian's hair, and caressed his young lover's face as he cradled him in his arms protectively, rocking back and forth as if to soothe away the pain."Oh, this is not happening... Julian, please, please tell me this is not happening. Oh, Julian, why? Why? Oh, why did you do this, my love? Why didn't you ask me for help? I would have helped you. I would have done anything for you... anything... Oh, this can't be real." Sobs wracked his body unmercifully. He could never have imagined an agony so great. He was on his knees, holding Julian, when he felt the rage build inside. With an anguished wail, he looked toward the sky and let it out, shaking his fists at some unseen being, a low growling sound escalating into a ghastly scream of white hot anger - anger at himself, at Julian, and at the situation itself. How could things have gotten so out of control? How could he have been so blind to his lover's pain? His scream ended in wrenching sobs, as Garak felt his heart being ripped to shreds. He doubled over, beating his fists on the ground, screaming, sobbing, trembling... "Nooooooooo!" he screamed until his lungs were empty of breath. He grabbed the knife and threw it against the wall. As he sat, weeping over his lover's lifeless body, he became vaguely aware of the eerie cry of the wind outside, the barn creaking in response, and a distant mournful moaning. At first he thought the sounds were merely echoes of his own despair, but he gradually realized it was Kira, crying out to him, obviously in a great deal of distress at the other end of the barn. He laid Julian gently on the ground and forced himself away, taking the lantern to find her. He felt as though he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders as he staggered over to find her lying in a pool of blood, obviously in labor and having some kind of complications. He tried ineffectively to dry his face on his sleeve and to speak calmly, but was not successful. His own pain threatened to tear him apart. "My dear," he sobbed and had to begin again. "My dear, this is no place to be having that baby. Even Bajoran women don't usually give birth in barns." His voice was broken and his heartbreak so great he could barely breathe. "Oh, Garak... I found him. What happened? Why?" Then a pain gripped her and she screamed out and grabbed her abdomen. "Really, my dear, I think we should try to get you into the house. Can you get up?" Another scream was her answer. Kira was clearly in a panic. He resented her intrusion into his grief even as some small part of him was grateful for the distraction. "Garak, Bajoran women don't usually have pain with childbirth. Something's wrong. Something's terribly wrong. I've done this before and it didn't hurt like this." "Now, calm yourself, my dear. Let's get you comfortable. We're not going to be able to get to the house, but we can do this right here. Think of it as an adventure." He moved into position between her legs. He removed his raincoat and slid it under her as best he could, then took off his vest to use as a blanket for the baby. When he looked between her legs and moved her clothing aside, he saw the very large puddle of blood and protruding from her vagina was a foot. A single, tiny, wiggling foot. His eyes darted from the foot to her face and back again. Finally he looked her in the eyes and asked, as calmly as he could, "Nerys, may I call you Nerys? Don't Bajoran babies usually come out head first?" She screamed a couple more times and held her abdomen, then answered him. "Of course they do, just like most humanoids. Why?" "We, ah, may have a problem here. It figures that Dukat's child would have to make a rather remarkable entry into this world. Nevertheless, we shall deliver this child successfully and get you into the house as soon as we can." The pain and loss of blood had begun to cloud Kira's mind and she didn't understand what he could be talking about. Of course the baby was coming just like any other. It never occurred to her that not all babies are easily born. Garak was grateful when she seemed to drift away for moments at a time. At least then the screaming stopped for awhile. As her labor progressed, the storm continued, the lantern flickered and working in the shadows, Garak was able to locate the second foot as it made its entry into the world. A trickle of cold sweat snaked its way down his back and he shuddered, not used to being in this position, and certainly not in a barn, not to mention that he was terrified he would lose them both. Silently, he cursed the Prophets of Bajor for doing this to him, and to her. He talked to her calmly, even when she was unconscious, and reassured her as best he could. He concentrated on keeping his voice calm and steady, as he had learned in the Order all those years ago, keeping his mind on the task at hand. He wanted to lay down and die, but he had a duty to perform. "Now, just because the feet came first doesn't mean the rest will be as hard. The baby will come and everything will be just fine. If Julian were here," his voice broke, but he continued, "I suppose he would do something heroic and talented and save the day, but he's not, so we'll just have to keep calm and everything will be okay." The baby surely did seem to be coming of its own accord, a few centimeters at a time escaping Kira's womb even in her unconscious state, as her body did the work it was meant to do. He was able to concentrate on her and the child, rarely glancing over to the far side of the barn where Julian's lifeless body lay supine in the darkness. Kira regained consciousness with a particularly hard contraction and bore down, forcing the baby's hips and abdomen out of her womb with a scream, and then the labor came to an abrupt halt. All of the pain stopped completely and Kira looked hopefully to Garak. "This is more like it. This is how it's supposed to feel." "If you say so," Garak muttered distractedly. He wasn't convinced that this was a good sign. He had never been more correct. He took the time to find another lantern and lit it so he could assess the situation more clearly. There was still some bleeding and the child appeared to be stuck at that moment, and Garak wondered what he might have to do... if he could only save one, mother or child, which would he choose? He found and retrieved the knife he had used to cut Julian down, managing to avert his gaze, as if not seeing the body on the ground would make it less real. Strangely, he felt nothing for his lover at that moment, no grief, no sadness, just numbness and utter disbelief. As he was walking back towards Kira, holding the knife in one hand and the lantern in the other, the large barn door suddenly whipped open and, illuminated by lightning in the background, he could see an imposing figure framed in the doorway. Kira began to scream again and his attention was torn back to her. "Whomever you are, your help would be most appreciated over here!" he called out to the faceless figure in the shadows. The figure quickly entered the barn and closed the door. He walked quickly toward the lantern light at the far end of the structure. He began to remove the tarp that he was using as rain gear, and as he came into the lighted area, Kira looked as though she'd seen a ghost. She began shrieking and sobbing, forcing Garak's attention from between her legs to her face, then his gaze was drawn to the man who had joined them. Captain Sisko did not speak, but joined Garak to see if he could help. Her screaming stopped and her eyes were fixed on the nothingness beside her. "I... knew you were alive. I felt it. I knew you'd come." She gasped the words out before the pain began again. Sisko looked to Garak for explanation, but Garak was busy and did not meet his eyes. Sisko moved around behind Kira and supported her back, holding her in his arms. As he helped her sit up slightly, the final contraction hit with full force. With one mighty push ending in a triumphant cry, Kira expelled the slippery, wiggling baby girl into trembling Cardassian hands. Kira collapsed, sobbing, wailing, in Sisko's arms. All of her carefully constructed delusions could not support her now, and she cried with heartache unsurpassed as reality toppled down upon her. Blood loss, despair and exhaustion consumed her then and she lost consciousness. Garak cradled the baby against his chest for warmth as he pulled the tarp over himself and ran to the house. Sisko carried the unconscious Kira, lingering in the rain for just a moment to let some of the blood wash away. Just as they neared the door, Sisko said quietly "I didn't come here alone." Garak did not answer. «:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:» Chapter 17
Chapter 17 Kira had been unconscious for more than two days now... feverish and occasionally delirious. He stayed by her side, ignored his pain even when his body begged for sleep. He talked to her as if she were awake, filling in all of the details of the missing months as well as he could. Madame Dukat cared for the baby girl with Sisko's help while Garak buried Julian in a peaceful spot down by the river. He would let no one help or comfort him, insisting on solitude as he said goodbye to the one love that could never be replaced.
"Romulans... rescued... surgery... pain... Sisko." Kira's fevered brain heard the words and incorporated them into her own existence. It was, for her, as if she had been on that Romulan ship, experienced all of the pain and doubt herself. She awoke slowly, finally, on the afternoon of the third day since giving birth, and found Dukat sitting beside her, holding her hand and looking much, much older and thinner than before. "I knew you'd be here. I knew that nothing could keep you from me." "Ah, Nerys, you have given us a beautiful little girl. She has my hair, but she has your nose," he laughed softly, all of his planned rhetoric for this moment having been forgotten. Tears of relief and gratitude fell from his tired eyes. He picked up her hand and kissed it softly, then turned her hand to rub her palm against his face. "I feared I would never be with you again." "You're always with me, Dukat. You should know that!" Sisko, having heard the voices, brought the baby into the room, followed by Madame Dukat. He proudly swept over towards the bed with the baby in his arms. He was grinning from ear to ear, and ceremoniously handed the baby to Kira, as he said "Dukat, don't you think you should get some rest now? I don't want to have to carry you again!" Shock lit up Kira's face like a white hot spot light, and holding the baby against her breast with one hand, she grasped Dukat's hand, then arm, then shoulder with her other hand. "You're, you're real!?! You're really here?" She looked back and forth from Dukat to Sisko, finally seeing Madame Dukat as she stepped into the room rather shyly. Dukat and Sisko laughed softly. "My dear, I assure you, I am as real as can be. Don't you remember me telling you how I got here? How Captain Sisko came to my rescue once again?" Dukat gently stroked away her tears with the backs of his fingers, and she captured his hand with her own and kissed his fingers. "I thought I imagined those things, the Romulans, the pain. I can't believe you're alive, and you're here with me. How long have I been unconscious? Where is Julian?" She hoped fervently that she had imagined that, too. The look on Sisko's face told her it was all too true. "Garak?" "He's outside. He buried Julian yesterday." Sisko answered quietly. Dukat's wounded body was aching for movement and he leaned forward and tightly hugged Kira and the child between them, then got up slowly. Kira watched as he moved gingerly, using a cane, maneuvering off of the bed stiffly. She stifled a cry when she saw him wince in pain as he raised himself to the standing position. Sisko looked away and Madame Dukat reached for him, then withdrew, knowing the amount of pride her son still carried with him, regardless of his physical condition. Kira met Madame Dukat's eyes and she reached for her, instinctively knowing this was the grandmother of her child. Together they watched Dukat slowly walk towards the window, stand in front of it and look out over the property. Kira squeezed Madame Dukat's hand. "He can heal here. This place, and I, will help him." The two women realized they shared a bond that could never be broken. From the window, Dukat interrupted. "Mother, is Garak returning with you to Cardassia? I told him I will make everything right there for him, and for you. I owe him so much." "No. He's not ready. He may never be ready," she acknowledged, knowing she could be patient a little longer, years, if that is what it would take. Kira could tell that obviously quite a lot had happened that she wasn't aware of, but as sunlight flooded the room and warmed them all, she smiled. The baby girl cooed happily in her arms as Kira felt a happiness she hadn't thought possible. Dukat had risen from the dead and had come back to her, bent but not broken. They had a child and a home and she was sure that with time, he would be whole again. Her love would make him whole. And the storm was finally over. ~ The End ~ |