AUTHOR'S NOTE: I began this story back in March with the intention of writing Garak in a serious (i.e. convincing) sexual scenario with a female character. Two months later, I arrived at the conclusion that this was impossible for me to do with any degree of sincerity, so I turned it into a fluff piece.

«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»

GARAK sails through the air while SISKO and BASHIR look on, their eyes following his progress.

SISKO: "I have never seen anybody glide through the air with such grace like that! I swear, Mr. Worf should have been a pitcher for the Red Sox."

BASHIR: "Aerodynamics is amazing, isn't it? Who would've guessed that a person with Garak's weight and build could be so light?"

GARAK unleashes a terrified scream, which is abruptly cut off when his body slams into the bar. He crumples to the floor. Silence, during which time SISKO and BASHIR both hold their breath...then GARAK groans softly, and the two relax.

A furious WORF lumbers across the interior of Quark's bar, bridging the distance between himself and GARAK in three great strides. Hauling a dazed and trembling GARAK up by the collar, he pins the Cardassian's back against the bar. WORF leans into GARAK's face, speaking in a low, dangerous whisper.

WORF: "Jadzia is my par'mach." A massive paw presses against GARAK's windpipe, inciting a yelp. "Thanks to you and your reckless behavior, she has brought dishonor to my house!"

GARAK gurgles against the pressure on his windpipe. "The only thing Dax ever brought to your house was a barrel of rancid bloodwine. You got disgustingly drunk, thought you were a winged targ and tried to fly off the promenade, remember?"

BASHIR laughs. "I remember that! It was funny."

WORF increases the pressure on GARAK's neck, so hard that his knuckles go white. GARAK opens his mouth to scream, but manages nothing more than a soft squeak.

SISKO steps forward and grips WORF's arm. "All right Commander, that's enough!"

WORF reluctantly releases GARAK and backs away, glaring.

GARAK clutches his bruised and swollen throat as he sucks down greedy gulps of air. His eyes convey relief. "Thank you, Captain!"

SISKO: "Oh, don't thank me. I only told Worf to stand down because it was my turn!"

SISKO lunges for GARAK and begins to choke him with both hands. BASHIR and QUARK crowd around as GARAK struggles, his face turning a frightening but not unattractive shade of purple.

BASHIR: "Captain, you're doing that all wrong! His jugular vein is right here-"

ODO appears on the edge of the group. "What the hell is going on here?"

Activity stops and all heads snap around in unison.

ODO: "Well, it's good to know I still have the power to command an audience. Now." ODO takes in the scene. "I'm sure all of you are in a hurry to explain what's going on here. Captain, since you appear to be in charge of this mayhem, would you care to do the honors?"

SISKO scowls and drops his hand from GARAK's throat. The Cardassian places a protective hand over his neck and, keeping both eyes focuses on the stormy faces around him, settles carefully onto a nearby barstool, coughing and gasping.

A long pause. SISKO, WORF and BASHIR look at the walls, their shoes and each other. QUARK scurries back behind the bar and busies himself swiping at the counter with a rag.

ODO: "I'm waiting."

GARAK: "Really Constable, I am fine. There's no need to -"

Just then, WORF lets out a roar that makes the walls vibrate.

ODO: "Commander, are you volunteering?"

WORF responds by muttering a string of Klingon curses. SISKO, BASHIR, and QUARK all begin to talk at once.

SISKO: "I warned Starfleet that this would happen if they allowed a Cardassian spy to remain on board. All it takes is one and then there goes the neighborhood -!"

BASHIR slams a medical tricorder onto the counter. "Let him scan himself for injuries. Maybe he can find his ethics while he's at it -!"

QUARK: "Every time one of you humons goes off in a jealous rage, you destroy my bar and leave me to suck up the blood and brains with the wet-dry vac. Well I'm sick of it -!"

WORF: "The only way to redeem such grave dishonor is to perform a Klingon bloodletting ceremony -"

ODO climbs onto the bar, puts two fingers to his mouth and gives a piercing whistle. The room falls silent again.

ODO: "This is getting us nowhere, people! Worf, no one is doing any bloodletting unless they have a good reason and clear it with me first. Understood?"

WORF scowls, but doesn't respond.

QUARK: "Hey, where'd you learn to whistle like that?"

ODO: "Never mind! I'm much more interested in hearing why I shouldn't toss each and every one of you into my brig!"

GARAK raises a tentative hand. "Constable, if you'll allow me, I think I can clear up this matter."

SISKO rolls his eyes.

BASHIR: "Oh great, here comes a story."

ODO gives the pair a sharp glance. SISKO and BASHIR drop quietly onto nearby chairs, sulking all the way.

ODO nods at GARAK to begin. GARAK clears his throat.

GARAK: "The whole thing began innocently enough. I was working in my shop, looking forward to having lunch with Dr. Bashir that afternoon -"

BASHIR: "I hope you choked on it, you traitor!"

ODO raises a hand to silence him. "Doctor, do you want to be a patient in your own infirmary?"

BASHIR clams up and GARAK continues. "Nothing out of the ordinary had occurred until around 1230 when the doors opened, Commander Dax stalked in and -

«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»

- slammed the heel of her black uniform boot onto GARAK's work table.

The force shakes the small table, causing GARAK's hand to slip. The sewing instrument he is holding slides across a piece of meticulously stitched cloth at crazy angles.

GARAK stares at in horror, then turns his anger on DAX. "What is the meaning of this?"

DAX: "Look at this!"

GARAK: "Look at that?" He holds up the ruined clothing, shaking it at DAX. "Look at this!"

«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»

BASHIR: "Wow, look at that." The doctor's eyes glaze over, his mind's eye roaming the length of the commander's shapely leg.

SISKO's head drops into his hand. "Oh my God."

QUARK: "Careful Doctor, don't want your eyes popping out of their sockets."

SISKO: "Why? Won't the wet-dry vac pic them up?"

BASHIR: "Oh come on! You people cannot tell me that you weren't thinking the same thing!"

ODO: "Let's just stick to the topic at hand! Garak?"

«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»

DAX: "I brought a perfectly good pair of boots here yesterday to be resoled and now look!" Grasping a fistful of GARAK's hair, she pulls his head down until he is eye level with a deeply scarred leather sole, the edges of which appear to have been shredded.

GARAK: "Hm. Would you look at that?"

DAX: "Oh please!" She pushes GARAK's head away, causing him to stagger backward. "You didn't do this? You weren't the last person to handle these shoes before I picked them up this morning?"

GARAK raises a browridge. "Yes, I suppose I was."

DAX advances on GARAK, hands balled into fists. She comes to an abrupt halt a scant few inches from GARAK and glares at him, eyes spitting blue fire. "If this is an example of Cardassian craftsmanship, then I'm afraid to ask how the adjustments to my uniform pants are coming along. I can picture it now. 'Sure chief, I'd be happy to help you fix that busted conduit. Let me just bend down to have a look' Then riiiiiiiip! Everybody on the station knows what color underwear I'm wearing!"

GARAK squares his shoulders and smiles directly into JADZIA's eyes. "Then perhaps you shouldn't wear underwear, Commander."

JADZIA's face flushes dark red. GARAK straightens his posture, a smug grin pulling up the corners of his mouth.

JADZIA's hand twitches, as if trying to decide exactly when and how hard to strike GARAK, who intervenes before she has a chance to make up her mind.

GARAK: "Commander, I assure you, I replaced the soles of both boots exactly as you instructed. They were without scuff or scratch when you picked them up this morning, so if you have a problem, then I suggest you -"

DAX replies in a husky whisper. "Garak, your mouth is open, sound is coming out...this is 'never' a good thing."

Before GARAK can respond, JADZIA's lips close over his in a very long, very wet openmouthed kiss. Her hands slide over GARAK's back, kneading the muscles in his neck and shoulders, and smiling with satisfaction at the moan that escapes GARAK's throat.

Gripping JADZIA's wrists, GARAK extricates himself from her embrace. Beads of sweat stand out on his skin and his breathing comes in short, shallow gasps.

GARAK: "Commander, are you sh-ssh-sure you know what you're doing here?"

DAX raises a hand to GARAK's face, sliding a soft thumb over an eyeridge. GARAK groans softly, leaning his head into her palm.

DAX: "Antagonism is the sincerest form of flattery."

With that, DAX places both hands on GARAK's shoulders and pushes him to the floor. GARAK lets out a startled cry.

DAX: "Don't be scared, Garak. Just relax and go with it!"

«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»

Quark's bar is so quiet you can almost hear the alcohol coursing through MORN's veins.

SISKO, WORF, QUARK and BASHIR are crowded around GARAK, jaws slack, eyes wide.

SISKO: "Wow."

BASHIR: "Relax and go with it?"

QUARK: "I think I'm having a stroke. I can't move my arms."

GARAK: "Well imagine how I felt when she finally released me..."

«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»

A drenched and gasping GARAK sits up.

GARAK passes a hand in front of his eyes. "I think I've gone blind!"

DAX sits up next to him. "Don't worry, it'll wear off in about an hour."

GARAK stares with unseeing eyes around the room. "I can't believe no one walked in on us."

JADZIA stands up, pulling on her uniform. "I can. You never have any customers in this place." She crouches down, back to GARAK. "Here, zip me up."

«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»

SISKO: "And?"

GARAK: "'And' that's it. She told me she needed a shower and left. A short while later I started getting light perception and when I arrived here for lunch, Quark threatened to poison my food, the doctor called me every filthy name he could think of, and the captain and Mr. Worf took turns using my person as a makeshift Dabo wheel!"

SISKO: "Don't knock it! I won five rounds."

BASHIR explodes. "Well what did you expect? You know what Jadzia means to all of us, what she means to me!" He pauses, blinking his eyes. "I am in love with her, you know. You've only known 'that' for the past four years!"

GARAK places a comforting hand on BASHIR's wrist. The doctor immediately jerks his hand away, oblivious to the pain that flicker's across his friend's eyes.

GARAK replies in a soft voice. "Doctor, I was as shocked at her behavior as the rest of you. I don't know what got into her."

WORF: "You did! You just said so."

SISKO collapses into a fit of giggling. QUARK turns his back to the room and shakes his head at the ceiling. ODO clears his throat loudly.

ODO: "Be that as it may, Jadzia Dax is a grown woman, capable of making her own decisions. The only thing Garak did wrong was brag about it."

GARAK: "Oh, but I didn't! That was Commander Dax, and she only told one person."

ODO: "Who?"

Everyone follows GARAK's eyes to the opposite end of the bar, where MORN sits nursing a mug. The large, cumbersome alien looks up and shrugs his shoulders.

ODO: "Oh well, that explains it! Everyone knows he's the biggest gossip on the station. No gentlemen, I suspect you've all been had, especially you Garak."

GARAK: "Obviously."

ODO looks from one forlorn face to another. "Worf, Dax wants you. She probably got tired of waiting for you to take the hint, so she used Garak to make you jealous. Why she didn't go to Dr. Bashir or Captain Sisko -"

QUARK: "Or me!"

ODO continues. "- is anyone's guess, but I suspect she didn't want a meaningless fling to interfere with an existing friendship, especially when she had to toss him to the wayside afterward like a plate of spoiled gagh -"

GARAK looks stricken. "I get the point, Constable!"

ODO: "In any case, it seems to have worked, so let's break up this little tea party."

ODO and GARAK move away from the group.

BASHIR shuffles his feet, purposely avoiding GARAK's eyes. "Well...I guess that makes sense, huh?"

SISKO: "Yes, I suppose it does." Suddenly his expression brightens. "Hey, what say we all go back to my place for dinner?"

BASHIR: "Sounds good to me!"

SISKO, WORF and BASHIR shuffle toward the exit talking amongst themselves. The conversation is interspersed with raucous bursts of laughter.

GARAK smiles and waves a hand after them. "Good day gentlemen and don't worry, there are no hard feelings! I accept your apology."

GARAK sighs heavily, the smile slipping from his face. He braces his back against the bar and closes his eyes. QUARK disappears into a back room. As soon as GARAK is sure the bartender is gone, he opens one eye and rivets his intense blue gaze on ODO, who stands beside him, arms folded over his chest.

GARAK: "Why?"

ODO twitches his shoulders. "Why what?"

GARAK blinks. "Come now, Constable. Anyone can see that Dax and Worf are smitten with each other. She had no reason to make him jealous, least of all with me." He chuckles. "Of all the men on this station, why would Commander Dax use me? This is the woman who sat by while Worf told me that if there was a list of the ten least honorable beings of all time, I would be at the top! No." GARAK shakes his head. "It doesn't make sense."

ODO fidgets uncomfortably. "Garak, after observing you and Dr. Bashir together for so long...well, we're not all brain dead, you know! Except maybe Quark's brother. Dax is just sick of Julian tagging after her like a lovesick puppy and she thought that if he found out about your little tryst, it would banish any lingering notions of romance and maybe eventually he would turn to you. Don't look at me like that! It wasn't my idea!"

GARAK: "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! You know what she's done; she has done the exact opposite - Julian hates me, but he loves her more than ever!"

ODO: "Give her some credit, Garak. Her heart was in the right place! Anyway, now that you see what Julian is really like, why would you want someone who turns a blind eye to your feelings?"

GARAK locks eyes with ODO. "I could ask you the same question about Major Kira."

ODO falls silent. GARAK smiles.

Seconds later, ODO grips GARAK's arm. "You're under arrest."

ODO leads a protesting GARAK in the direction of the brig.

GARAK: "What? I haven't done anything!"

~ The End ~