Personal Log

7311.04: I am leaving. I am resigning. I have only done one year of my residency here, but I can stand it no longer. I see him and looks, which should be for me, are not. That soft-spoken voice, the gentle touch which I long for--will never be mine. Another has captured his love, that elusive, winged creature, and now holds it in his heart. And in my heart there are only tears where there should be joy. I cannot stand to be on the same ship with a man who easily attained what I could not and when that man is my captain and the other his First Officer. My loyalties are very much strained. I can no longer stay here. I have fantasized too long, dreamed too long. I need to get off this ship, break all my bonds, all my ties with him, start my own life. God knows I haven't had my own life since Roger died. So--goodbye Leonard. Goodbye Captain. Goodbye Spock.

~~**~~

7311.05: The day was as usual, if there is such a thing as 'usual' on the Enterprise. At dinner, my best friend announced to me that she was applying for a groundside transfer. I couldn't believe it. The Enterprise has been our home for years. How could she just resign?

She was in a quiet mood tonight. I could tell she didn't want to discuss it, but I wonder if it has anything to do with 'the rumor.' Could 'the rumor' in fact be true? It has been going around for months now that Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock are lovers. Of course, we all know how close they are, but on the bridge nothing has changed, or at least, nothing on the surface has changed.

Still, the rumors persist, and now this.

Chris has loved Spock for years. After V'ger, he changed, mellowed. There seemed to be a chance then, for love to grow. Obviously, it did not grow between them. She either suspects, or perhaps she knows, that it will never be and to see someone else with that which she knows she will never have...it's far too painful. I understand. But I will miss her.

~~**~~

7311.05: Dangblastit! Fifty crew physicals, one code, three cases of flu and my best resident plops a goddamned transfer on my desk. I have a right to bitch! And I have a right not to sign the blasted thing. Hell, I know what it's about. She's found out about Spock. Nobody told her, of course. Nobody had to tell her. Hell, it's been plastered all over their faces for six months. Silly grins. Yes, even that pointed-eared, stone-faced, son-of-a-bitch can grin, and let me tell you, on him it looks even more ludicrous than it does on Jim. Silly grins and bulging crotches, like a couple of adolescents who get hard-ons looking at a shuttlecraft.

I suppose they're entitled to it. God knows they've earned it. But there is always a price to pay and this time the price is someone else's heart. The sad thing is, I doubt they'll even notice.

I guess I'll sign my approval for this thing. Perhaps it will give her a chance to love again.

~~**~~

7311.07: I have never felt so happy! Each day I am beside him and I feel him in me, in my heart, in my mind. Finally I believe I have found a lasting love. He has always been my friend, my companion.

I had a load of paperwork to do tonight. He sat and played the harp while I worked. Among all the stuff for me to sign: a transfer for Dr. Chapel. She wants to complete her residency on Vulcan. I wonder if she knows about us. And if she does, how many others know? Is it that obvious? Do we show it that blatantly? I suppose it is na&iUML;ve of me to assume that no one would notice. After all, this is a starship. One of the main entertainments is gossip. And if I sign this thing it'll just add more fuel to the fire. But if I don't.... I am the captain, she is part of my crew and the crew's needs come first. She needs this or she wouldn't ask for it. What do I care who knows? It's not illegal or anything.

Spock'll probably feel better. He's avoided Sickbay for months, I hope they honor her transfer. After all, it's for the best.

~~**~~

7311.08:01.36.23 hrs. Tonight I keep sleep from myself for a brief period. Speculation and contemplations are necessary. I believe I have inadvertently wounded the emotions of one of the human females on board. She has held affection for me (humans would call it an 'infatuation'), for 8.94 years. Tonight, Jim asked me to sign her transfer.

It is most illogical for her to leave when her residency has not yet been completed. Therefore, it is logical for me to assume that there must be another, emotional reason for her wishing to leave.

I share a slight mind-link with her. She knows. She knows that Jim and I are lovers. She realizes that she and I will never be. I feel pain from her.

Christine, I am sorry. Would that I could heal your pain, dissolve our link. I cannot without more interaction between us. Time and distance will dissolve the link and heal your wounds. I have always tried to be gentle with you. I do have a certain fondness for you but it is he I love. There will be no other. I am sorry. Live long and prosper wherever you go Christine, t'hyla, and be at peace.

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