Title: Enemy Within--If Only
Author: K'Chaps
Feedback: justblackchaps at yahoo dot com or post a message to Side by Side mailing list
Beta: Bigmackie - without her, this would really be awful
Pairing: K/S
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: All of this good stuff belongs to Paramount.
Summary: Kirk doesn't feel quite right, and it leads him down a new path.
Note: Written for the Spirkswap group challenge. I'm taking liberties here with canon from the episode--Enemy Within.

*********

Kirk rotated his shoulders, trying to release the tension that had built up from the moment he'd stepped from the transporter. He removed his shirt and the sudden action made his head spin. A deep breath didn't calm him, and he allowed himself to lean against the wall. Pushing away, he picked up a discarded towel and stretched his neck with it. A knock on the door sounded, and he said, "Yes?

"Spock."

He stood up straight and flicked the switch that opened the door. "Come in."

"Is there something I can do for you, Captain?"

"Like what?" Kirk felt a little puzzled.

Spock lowered his head slightly. "Well, our good doctor said you were acting like a wild man, demanded brandy."

Kirk chuckled. "Our good doctor's been putting you on again."

"Well, in that case, you'll excuse the intrusion." Spock made no move to leave.

Kirk had no idea what Spock was talking about, or why his first officer was examining him so closely. Spock's dark eyes raked over Kirk's body more than once. "Are you due on the bridge?"

"Not as yet." Spock took another step into the small room.

Kirk felt confused. Spock should be heading for the bridge, right? What was going on here? Kirk didn't know and Spock wasn't talking, merely staring. He tried to think of something to say. "I'm fine!"

"You are worried. I am curious as to why."

Kirk put his hands on his hips. He wasn't worried, was he? "I'm not." It wasn't true, but it was close enough that Spock might not notice.

Spock shook his head. "There is something wrong."

"I'm a little dizzy. It comes and goes, but I'm not raving." Kirk quit the field and went to sit on his bunk. Spock followed him and stood over him. The skin on Kirk's neck prickled. Kirk wasn't sure what Spock wanted. "Don't concern yourself with me."

"That is one of my duties on this starship." Spock suddenly dropped to one knee. He reached a hand towards Kirk's face. "May I?"

Kirk jerked in surprise. Why was Spock doing this? "Yes."

//How do you feel?//

//Uncertain//

//You have no injuries//

//True//

Spock's hand left Kirk's face and lingered on Kirk's heart. "These doubts are not normal."

"For me." Kirk gave Spock a lop-sided grin. "It will pass, like the dizziness."

Spock pursed his lips and stood up quickly. Kirk flinched back. "In these situations, humans often need physical reassurance."

Kirk sighed softly and stood. The dizziness had passed. "It isn't your way."

"But it's yours." Spock leaned and wrapped Kirk in a very loose embrace.

Kirk took a deep breath and relaxed. Gentle hands rubbed his back. He wanted nothing more than to curl into the safety of the man holding him. "If only . . ." The rest of the sentence died away, because he didn't know what he wanted, but there was something missing between them.

Spock nudged him to the bed. "You should rest."

"I don't think that's necessary." Kirk lay down, but refused to release Spock's hand. It was a comfort. And he needed one. It was unsettling. "Thank you."

"I have done very little." Spock swept the hair from Kirk's forehead, a slow movement that barely brushed Kirk's skin. "I'll leave you to rest."

"No!" Shame and fear competed for space in his body. "Please," Kirk said in a much softer voice. "I need you."

Spock nodded and slid his slender body down next to him. Kirk sighed in relief. He wouldn't be alone. They didn't kiss, and for the first time Kirk missed it. He groaned softly and did curl closer.

"Do you desire intercourse?"

Kirk lowered his head at the words that some would consider cold. Spock could only be himself. Kirk breathed in the clean smell of Spock and let it calm every fiber of his being. "I can't push myself on you." Not today. It was a first.

Spock studied him closely, but only nodded. "A shower, perhaps?"

Kirk did feel dirty from his planetside excursion. "If I get dizzy . . ."

"I'll join you." Spock took them both to the shower, efficiently stripping them naked, and turning on the water. "Hold onto me."

Kirk did. He wasn't dizzy. "Make love to me."

Spock drew back. Kirk saw the tiny movement and turned away, releasing his hold. He craved more than he could do for himself, but Spock was Spock, and there was no other way. Spock put his hands on Kirk's hips. "You don't want that. You never have."

Kirk took a breath like a sob. He understood now that it wasn't Spock. It was him, and he'd mistreated Spock, unknowingly. His needs always raged so high that he forgot his partner, but today, today was different. His only desire was to be held, even cherished. A wave of dizziness crashed over him. Spock caught him, but he quickly shook it off. It was nothing that a little rest wouldn't cure.

"I don't understand your sudden needs."

"I don't either." Kirk put his face in the water and washed away dust from a planet that wasn't his own. "Ignore them, perhaps they'll go away."

"I do not choose to do that." Spock stepped closer and held Kirk from behind.

Kirk grew almost light-headed. He felt safe, and it was good. "Please."

Spock bit Kirk's shoulder, not hard. It tingled down Kirk's entire body. Kirk reveled in it. He wanted to be possessed. Spock encouraged Kirk to lean against his arms and spread his legs. Kirk shivered with want. He felt lubricant and leaned his head back, hoping that Spock would bite him again. "Tell me if there is pain."

Kirk wouldn't. He pressed back and caught a breath as Spock dipped down, surging up. "Yes."

Spock bit him again, harder this time. Kirk gasped and quivered. He moved. Spock's hands caressed Kirk's chest. His head spun, but this time from the glorious feeling of Spock around him, protecting and loving him.

"Fascinating."

Kirk knew he'd orgasm soon. He groaned and widened his stance, welcoming Spock to go deeper, which he did. Spock clasped Kirk tightly. "Like that."

Spock held him close and loved him. Kirk felt a flush break out on his chest, and he released against the shower wall. It felt so good that his knees weakened, and he would have knelt, but Spock kept him up.

"Take what you need," Kirk said softly.

Spock's teeth fastened onto him again, and Kirk let out a cry as they went much faster for an exquisite minute. Spock jerked and gave a muffled cry into Kirk's skin. Kirk smiled at the obvious pleasure and felt happy that he'd given it. Had he ever before? He suddenly wasn't sure, and it worried him. Spock sagged and released him slowly.

"Don't go." Kirk kept them together. "I know you have more to give."

"And you desire it for yourself?"

Now Kirk winced at the question. Those weren't his motives, not today, but it would seem that way. He looked down and wished for arms around him again. "No." The word escaped, but only as a whisper. He was ashamed.

Spock clasped him again, but gently. "My apologies, Jim."

Kirk bit his lip, unsure what to say. "I, well . . ."

"Humans are difficult to understand." Spock moved them under the water, but didn't release his hold. "Perhaps someday you will allow us to bond."

Kirk remembered his reticence, but didn't understand it right now. He wanted to be sure, and he hesitated. "I'm sure we will, someday." It seemed a safe thing to say.

Spock began to move. Kirk gasped and put his hands back to touch. Spock took them in his own hands, and leaned Kirk forward slightly. "I won't touch you, not today."

Kirk understood. He was a greedy lover. It was Spock's turn. Things needed to change between them. More of this, less of him, meant something better lay in their future. He was sure of it. "You have been patient."

Spock let out a grunt and said, "Vulcans are known for it."

"But your human side seethes with irritation." Kirk knew it was true, even though he'd never noticed it before today. His body shook with the force of the love Spock took from him, and there was no answer. Kirk expected none. He pushed back and didn't touch himself.

Spock raised Kirk's arms a little higher. "Kneel. I won't allow you to fall."

Kirk obeyed instantly. He wasn't sure why. He knew he'd never done it before, but it felt right. The full force of the water hit Kirk's back. He knelt and let Spock love him. Spock loved him the Vulcan way, which was less than tender, but it was exactly what Kirk needed. "Thank you."

Spock swelled and tugged Kirk back hard. They knelt together. Kirk shut his eyes to enjoy the warmth inside and around him. How had he lived without it? He muffled a soft cry and orgasmed into the running water. Spock's teeth clamped into Kirk's body again. It was so much better than a mere kiss. Kirk didn't try to get up. He waited. Spock would decide. And he did, pulling Kirk up and washing him. Kirk relaxed back and passively watched Spock work.

"Do you require anything else?"

"Do you?" Kirk laid a hand on Spock's stern face. "You may have it."

Spock shook his head. He turned off the shower, toweled them off, and took Kirk to bed. "Rest. I will be on the bridge."

"I know." Kirk spoke softly. He wanted more, but didn't have the courage to ask. "You will report to Dr. McCoy?"

"Yes." Spock dressed and laid a long finger on Jim's lips. "You are not yourself, but you are fine."

"I hope I was better than that." Kirk smiled and let sleep overtake him.

Spock turned away, but Kirk clearly heard him say. "Much better."

********Cut back to canon

Kirk slept until Spock returned to him. He slipped on his green tunic and said, "Me? My yeoman said that? I've been resting since you left me. Alone, Spock!"

"Captain, Dr. McCoy reports that you demanded this brandy in sickbay and left with it. I found this brandy in Yeoman Rand quarters."

"Not true. I haven't been to the sickbay. Let's find out what's going on."

********Written for Mycroft Holmes' challenge in the Spirkswap group. The challenge was to write the scene in Kirk's quarters with Spock, and add sex.