Title: Shape Of My Heart
Author: Mycroft Holmes
Feedback to: mycholmes02113 @ yahoo.com or on the SBS-ezine yahoo list
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Paraborg/Viagracom owns Star Trek, etc. Sting owns Shape Of My Heart. No infringement intended, no money being made.
Summary: A love letter? Feel free to take it seriously and/or humorously. I do, even though I'm way too literally the Writer.
Note: for TAF, who pushes me to be honest...sometimes right off of that Wile E. Coyote cliff. And for JAW, whom I should not presume to debate, yet sometimes I still do.

SHAPE OF MY HEART

"Captain...Jim.

There is something I wish to tell you. To speak with you about. It concerns our...friendship. And it may affect our working relationship as well. While I have no wish to negatively affect either of those relationships--having been very grateful for and appreciative of them and you--I feel that I am now more likely to do so by remaining silent than by speaking. Allow me to explain that statement.

The Human expression "honest is the best policy" is actually highly logical, even if only for practical reasons. Humans are, at least ideally, also highly ethical. Vulcans equally so--in my opinion, more so...though I would not presume to debate you, of all people, on this point. In any case, this is neither the time nor the place for such a debate.

Honesty most often simplifies humanoid relationships. It is simply easier to tell the truth then to lie. By its very nature, its basis in fact, truth is much easier to remember and otherwise manage than lies. And, even if one does not share what one is keeping secret from another with any third party, that does not preclude the interference of third parties. As soon as one shares one's secret with a third person, there is the chance that that person will share it with the second person--the person concerned. Especially if the second person is a mutual acquaintance. And on this ship, that definition includes almost everyone aboard. No matter how trustworthy one's confidant, no matter what their intentions at the time of the confidence, they may--and the likelihood increases with time--intentionally or unintentionally convey some or all of the secret to the second person. The secret-keeper does not even have to participate in this process. One does not have complete control over any other person, even those under one's direct supervision or command. And even I cannot read minds or predict the future without touch, which I only apply with consent or when there is absolutely no other choice. Therefore, I cannot know if or when a third person is theorizing about my concealed information, or planning to share their theory with you. So, even in total innocence, anyone at any time may communicate something to you, by word or action, that--as Doctor McCoy would say--"tips my hand", thereby forcing me to show it to you. The only way to prevent inappropriate sharing by a third party is to specifically tell them what they cannot share and why...and doing so creates the first situation.

In any event, all of the above is a risk I am no longer willing to take. It has become unacceptable to me. No matter how low the odds of it occurring, how difficult it is for me to tell you this, or how much easier it may be for everyone concerned if someone else tells you...you should not be told my truth by anyone other than myself. You deserve the utmost respect, especially from me. And that includes my taking responsibility for my own actions with you, including honesty. Allowing another person to even draw your attention to this matter disrespects both of us, and our relationship. And I do not believe that a chance communication would have as good or a better effect on you than my planned conveyance. It is your right to hear this from me, and it is my right--and only mine--to be the one to share it with you.

It is also possible...though in my current biased state, I cannot tell precisely how possible...I am in both the best and worst position to judge this. To judge your current state of mind on this matter, and your reactions--based on any of your possible mental states--to my stating this truth to you. However, I believe it is also possible that you are aware of some or all of what I am about to tell you. Given your intelligence, our proximity and...intimacy, as well as several other factors...I believe that it is highly likely that you know or at the very least suspect, something of the facts which I am about to present to you. Your reaction to those facts, whether you are conscious of them or not, I truly cannot judge. The same is true of whether you may share some or all of my current position. For, in essence, that is what I am about to reveal to you, a position of mine, in relation to you. As I said, I am simply too close to you and to the situation, and I am too affected by both.

Also, most humanoids, perhaps especially Humans, assign a value judgement to honesty--hence the common expression I have just quoted. Because of this, the longer one is dishonest, the more negative the reaction of the other party or parties affected, upon their learning of the lie or lies. At some point--possibly even now--I will have to decide whether to tell you at all. After a certain amount of time and/or circumstances passes, following the creation or realization of the secret, it begins to become illogical to share that secret. Strange though it may seem, the longer a lie remains a lie, the "worse" that lie appears to the person who has been lied to--even if the original truth has never altered. And so, the damage the sharing would do begins to outweigh the damage of allowing it to remain secret. Whereas earlier in the process, the truth may have damaged or destroyed the relationship, later it may or may not--but the lie, in being revealed as such, may do more damage, and be more destructive. And that, and therefore the relationship, may or may not be reparable.

I believe that that may occur, in our case. If it does, I will have to continue my dishonesty with you indefinitely, even permanently--that is, for the remainder of one or both of our lives. I do not wish to do this, as I do not want either of our relationships with each other to be based on dishonesty. That would not be right, not to mention...pleasant. It will become particularly difficult for me if I outlive you...which I am sorry to say I almost certainly will...mostly likely by decades. That is, assuming neither of us are killed or disabled in the line of duty. That is always a possibility, as least as long as we continue in our present duties or similar ones. Sometimes it is even a probability, and there have been times when it was, or seemed to be, the only possible outcome of the situation. And that is another reason why I feel I must be honest with you about this, and as soon as possible. One or both of our deaths may well occur unexpectedly, even completely so; at the same time, or separately. And while I hope that does not happen, I must prepare for it; and if it does happen, I must accept it. Yet it strengthens my resolve to exercise the control over the circumstances surrounding our lives that I can. And that includes leaving as little as possible unsaid between us. No relationship is absolutely honest, nor should it be. Not even a married couple's, including a Vulcan one. Yet a certain level of honesty--and in close relationships such as ours, a very high level--is the only way to build trust, and that is the foundation of any working or personal relationship. Especially when it is intended to outlast a career, or even a lifetime. And I believe that it is the hope of not only Starfleet, but ourselves. Please correct me if I am wrong, or overstating the point.

There is the possibility, at least theoretically, of telling you part, even half, of the truth. And then gauging your reaction, and reassessing the situation. But this also does not seem very practical. Regardless of the ethical issues--that is that a partial truth is also an untruth... It would be illogical to assume that I could control the information in this way. Again, you are very intelligent, and otherwise skilled and positioned in such a way that any partial revelation of mine might be tantamount--at least after a short time and some thought on your part--to a complete revelation. And again, a third party might bring the complete truth to light for you; with or without my input, with or without my consent. Certainly, if I were to reveal the first half of what I must say, you and and almost any other who heard it would surely extrapolate and speculate on the second half.

Thank you for allowing me to explain my thought process in this matter. I hope that you have found it helpful in understanding why I am saying what I am about to say. I apologize for delaying my revelation even further than I already have. However, please attempt to remember that what is an understandable delaying tactic for a Human is also a necessary preface for a Vulcan. And as you know, I am both, and I am beginning to truly reconcile the two halves of myself into a whole. With, I might add, your able assistance--for which I am truly appreciative and eternally grateful.

Now I will delay no longer. I will share with you my truth. My "secret", as it were. And I find that there is no other way to say it than simply. Jim...I love you. As you would say...as I have heard you say to others...I love you as a friend, and as family. What you would call a "best friend", as well as a brother. As I have told you...or tried to...you are my t'hy'la. That translates as "friend", and "brother". You are both of these things to me. I believe that I also hold both of those roles in your life, perhaps even exclusively at this point. I know that you know that I care for you, on a personal as well as a professional level, and you have conveyed to me that you not only appreciate but share some of that caring. I hope that we can continue to develop and deepen this caring, both as something we feel, and as ways in which we behave towards each other. However, I do not know that, and I have my doubts.

For there is more that I must say. I am also...in love with you. There is little that I can or should do to qualify that statement. You are well aware--much more so than I, I gather--of the meaning of it, at least in our shared language of Standard English. From a Vulcan perspective, I can only add the logical conclusion of the concept in my previous paragraph. The third translated meaning of t'hy'la is "lover". I am well aware that you are not my lover, nor involved in any romantic relationship--physical or mental--with me at this time. And I have no direct evidence that you are willing, or even able, to participate in such a relationship with me; much less that you desire to do so. Yet I must tell you, in the interests of honesty, that I do desire it...very much. If you were to prove agreeable, I would be very interested in attempting a romantic relationship with you, with all that that entails. I find you very attractive in every way, the more so the more I know of and about you. And I believe that we are well-suited to each other, for many of the same reasons that we compliment each other as a command team. I can explain that statement in detail at a later time, should it become necessary, or if you are merely interested in hearing it. You are under no obligation to share your feelings in this matter with me, whatever they may be. Though I hope that, given time and thought, you can and will feel comfortable doing so. Again, if it is possible, I do wish us to remain friends, as well as fellow officers; and I want both of those relationships to be based on comfort and honesty. Perhaps you will find it encouraging merely that I shared my feeling with you. I find that Humans most often find that to be the case. And I believe that...but again, I should refrain from commenting on what I believe to be your feelings in this matter. Not only because of my biases, but because--whether my assessment is correct or not--I do not wish to offend you, or make it more difficult for you to respond to me.

I thank you again for your partnership aboard the Enterprise--in both command and scientific exploration--and your friendship. They have been uniquely positive in my experience, though that experience is more extensive and positive than most people suppose. I thank you as well for listening to all that I have had to say today. I do not imagine that this is an easy experience for you; though perhaps somewhat more so than it is for me. Jim...I hope that my honesty here today has not--as I have admitted I fear--damaged or destroyed the relationship we have had, currently have, or that which we might have been able to have in the future. I hope that I have not lost, especially through my own action or inaction, my connection, my...I might even say "bond"...with one of the most extraordinary people I have ever encountered."

... "Computer?"

"Yes, Mister Spock?"

"Save message to this station, and code it for delivery to Captain Kirk..."

...

"You must specify a time index for delivery."

"I'm aware of that, Computer. Time index..."

...

"You must specify a time index that includes the date and time of delivery. The time indicated must be within twenty-four hours of the current time."

"I'm all too well aware of that."

...

"Time index...I do not know. Computer--save message to this station, and code it for retrieval by only myself; use my appropriate security codes."

"Affirmative. Thank you."

Mycroft Holmes
Boston Living Center
21 July 2005 / 14 Tamuz 5765

Shape Of My Heart

He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn't play for the money he wins
He doesn't play for the respect

He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance
He doesn't play for the respect

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
He doesn't play for the respect

He may play the jack of diamonds
He may lay the queen of spades
He may conceal a king in his hand
While the memory of it fades
He doesn't play for the respect

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape, the shape of my heart
He doesn't play for the respect

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
He doesn't play for the respect

Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who smile are lost
He doesn't play for the respect

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape of my heart ~ Sting

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