And When the Bond Breaks

Chapter 2

Spock was not having much success stilling his mind.  At the root of his turmoil lay the bond, the bond that linked him to a man who was as similar to the man he truly loved as to be almost identical.  Except that he wasn't.  But Spock was bonded to this one. 

A chime sounded indicating the presence of someone requesting entrance.  Spock knew it wasn't the captain; the bond informed him that he was still in sickbay, asleep.  Alive.  For that, Spock had no regrets.  Even with this steep a price, he could not have allowed Jim Kirk to die, not if it was within his power to save him. 

He would simply have to move on from here.  Kaiidith.  Solutions would present themselves, they always did.  The chime rang again.  Spock rose from his knees.  "Come."

The door slid open, revealing McCoy.

Spock suppressed a sigh.  This confrontation, he supposed, was inevitable.  "Doctor."  He moved over to the enlarged seating area and implied permission for the doctor to join him.  The wall dividing his and the captain's suites had been removed, and the new space had been reconfigured resulting in a private sleeping and bathing quarter, an eating nook, offices for both men, and a comfortable seating area, large enough for several people. 

It made for a pleasing environment, but Spock felt like a trespasser.  This was not his home.  It was also why he did not offer the doctor a beverage.  He did not know where anything was, and the thought of prying through drawers and cabinets to find the necessary accoutrements involved in providing hospitality felt intrusive. 

McCoy didn't waste any time.  "What are you going to do?"

Spock managed to keep the wince off his face.  Apparently the good doctor's bluntness was as much a part of him here in this time as in Spock's own time.  He deliberated the usefulness of countering the attack with his usual teasing obtuseness but he decided he had neither energy nor desire for games.  "I do not know."

"You can't let him die, Spock.  I don't care where or when you're from."

"That is not my intention, Doctor.  He is, in fact, alive because of my actions."  Again, Spock found no regret, only a fierce joy that this captain was alive.  He pushed aside his fears for his own captain's safety.  He could indulge in that train of thought when he was alone again.

McCoy grunted in response.  Then he stood and headed over to the storage area to the left of the seating area.  Bending down he slid open the bottom right section.  He withdrew a bottle of a dark liquor.  Standing and holding it up, slightly shaking it in the Vulcan's direction he asked, "Want some?"

Spock shook his head.  "No, thank you."  He watched as McCoy, who seemed to know exactly where everything was, helped himself to a glass and some ice.  Then he splashed a large amount of liquor into the glass. 

McCoy took a sip, let out a satisfied sigh, recapped the liquor bottle, carrying it and his glass back over to his seat.  "He said you two are bonded."  Not a question.

Spock gave a terse nod.  It bothered him that McCoy knew, that something to which he was still unaccustomed, and something that was intensely private, would be subject to public discourse. 

The Vulcan could feel the doctor's scrutiny.  Finally the doctor let out a long sigh.  "I know you always hated talking about this stuff, Spock, Vulcan privacy being what it is and all.  But I know you loved Jim a long time before you got bonded.  And if you're here from just a year ago, assuming our future hasn't veered off too dramatically, you love him now."

The doctor was right, but Spock saw no need to confirm or deny the allegations.  "Your point, Doctor?"

McCoy's lips tightened.  "My point, you repressed overgrown elf, is that you love him, he loves you, you two are bonded, so I’m thinking that you belong right here where you can keep an eye on him and keep him alive."

"There is no need to be insulting.  And may I point out, that the Leonard McCoy of my time, would no doubt be castigating me in similar terms, that my place is with that James Kirk, not this one."

McCoy opened his mouth to respond and then clearly thought better of it.  It took him a moment or two to regroup.  "But you're not bonded to that James Kirk.  He won't die without you."

Anguished eyes looked up at McCoy.  "He would be dead many times over if I had not been at his side.  You know this to be true."

"The same could be said of him saving your green hide." 

Spock could tell that McCoy was in a mood to argue.  "I would not presume to debate that.  However, if I stay here, in the future, I may not be there, when he needs me."

"He must have done all right, or we wouldn't be here even having this conversation.  Right?  I mean, Jim is alive."

"But this Jim had me by his side.  In this iteration of the future, I did not go to the future.  In fact, it appears as if I am dead."

McCoy scowled.  "So, if you go back, this Jim will have to survive without you by his side.  That's assuming the severed bond doesn't kill him first.  Where's the difference, Spock?  Either way, one of them has to do without you.  You're bonded with this one.  He's the one who needs you the most."

Spock could feel the bond stirring.  "The captain is awake."

McCoy stood.  "Damn.  I better go."

Spock shook his head.  "No need.  He is on his way."

"That damn fool.  He's got no business leaving sickbay yet."

Spock's eyebrow rose as he gave the doctor a mocking glance.  "I believe that Captain Kirk has always found it his prerogative to leave sickbay when he chooses to do so.  And I also believe that your temper tantrums rarely resulted in him changing his mind."

"My temper tantrums?  You…" 

Whatever he was going to say was interrupted by the cabin door sliding open and Kirk striding in.  He gave both of them a suspicious look.  "What's going on?" 

Spock could feel the bond resonate with the closeness of the captain.  It was a fascinating experience.  He found himself running the tips of his fingers against each other in response to the almost physiological tingling he felt.  The silence penetrated his thoughts and he looked up, realizing that the doctor was leaving it up to him to explain.  There was no point in lying; Kirk would be able to determine the truth through the bond.  "The doctor and I were merely discussing options."

Kirk snorted. 

McCoy glared at him.  "What the hell are you doing out of sickbay?  I need to run more tests before you just pick up where you left off.  You almost died, man."  Then he glared at Spock, as if to dare the Vulcan to accuse him of having a temper tantrum.

Spock lifted an eyebrow.  As far as he was concerned, the facts stood for themselves.  No accusation was necessary.  He felt a moment's satisfaction at the flash of pique in the doctor's eyes.  That was followed by a brief surge of shame.  McCoy could hardly be blamed for wanting to keep Kirk alive, no matter what the cost. 

Kirk started to placate McCoy.  "I'm fine, Bones.  You know that.  The only reason I was dying is because of the severed bond."  He grimaced a bit, avoiding Spock's gaze, but then plowed on.  "Now it's back in place."  He flashed a beguiling smile at the doctor.  "Think of it as me just having had a nice long sleep."

McCoy's eyes glinted with anger.  "Don't patronize me, Jim.  You may think you have the right to sashay in and out of sickbay as if you own the place, but I'm still CMO.  You're confined to quarters, and off duty until I say so.  Sir."

Kirk put up his hands.  "I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I know this has been rough on you.  I had the easy part in some ways."  The pain in his eyes gave the lie to that sentence.  "But Bones, you can't confine me to quarters.  Spock and I need to figure out what happened.  We'll need to see his shuttle, and we'll need access to the main computer banks.  I'll take it easy, and I'll stay off the bridge, but I can't stay here."

Spock could see McCoy gearing up for a blistering rebuttal and intervened.  "I can attest to the Captain's well-being.  Perhaps if you ran your tricorder over him, it would assuage your concern."

Muttering, McCoy yanked out his tricorder and ran it down the captain's body.  Still muttering, he cast a baleful eye over them both.  He settled on Spock.  "If anything happens to him, I'm holding you accountable."  With a few more muttered homespun expletives, the doctor turned around and after slamming his hand on the door control to open it, left the cabin.

Kirk flashed Spock a wry grin that quickly slid off his face to be replaced by such a look of sadness that Spock could hardly stand it.  "Jim."  He took a step toward the captain.

Kirk responded to the movement by closing the distance between them, throwing his arms around the Vulcan.  "Just hold me."

Spock found his arms tightening around the human, responding to the need resonating through the bond.  To turn away at this time would be nothing less than an act of cruelty.  Spock wished with all his heart that this man he was holding was the one he was meant to hold. 

He protested when Kirk seemed to be pulling away.  But then he felt hands on his face, pulling him down to meet soft lips.  The desire took Spock by surprise, Kirk's and his own.  It was hard to resist as it sizzled through their bodies and through the bond.  A thousand suppressed fantasies came to life, to hold Kirk in his arms, to feel his lips, explore his mouth, touch his body.  His Kirk.  Not…not this one.  He let out a groan and pushed Kirk away.  "No.  I cannot."  He could feel the human's pain at being rejected.

"Spock, please.  I need you."

The pain in the voice tore through Spock.  He took the human back in his arms and held him tightly.  "Jim, I must try to return…"

Kirk put his fingers over Spock's lips to keep him from finishing his sentence.  "Shh.  Don't.  Don't say it.  Not yet."

Spock felt it needed to be said and tried again.  "Jim…"

The fingers pressed tighter.  "Don't."

Spock was taken aback by the anger he saw in the hazel eyes.  "I have made you angry.  I…I apologize."  Spock knew how inadequate those words were. 

Kirk let out a bitter laugh, and he pulled away, shaking his head helplessly.  "Oh, Spock.  Yes, I'm angry, and sad, and confused.  I should be grieving my Spock but I don't know how to do that when you're here.  I'm angry at you for keeping your distance, but it's hard to be too angry with you when I know the person you're trying to be loyal to is me."  He let out another short laugh.  "Nothing like a good time paradox, where I can be jealous as hell of myself."  He slumped against the wall.  "Maybe you should have just let me die."

Spock shook his head, dismayed.  "Do not say that."

"Why shouldn't I say it?  If you leave me I'll just have to go through it again, feeling the bond go…losing the sense of you in my mind, in my soul.  How can you ask me to do that again?"   

Spock closed his eyes.  He didn't honestly think that he could.  But he had to try to return.  Paradox indeed.  Stuck like the proverbial fly in a spider's web.  He searched his mind frantically, looking for a solution, any solution.  He felt a tug on his hand and looked down to see Kirk pulling on him.

"C'mon.  I need to lie down."  He pulled Spock toward the sleeping quarters.  "Will you let me hold you?  I promise not to ask for more than that."  He flashed a reassuring smile, meant to charm, but, to Spock, it only revealed how hard it had been for Kirk to make that promise.

Spock could not find it within himself to refuse the request.  He stopped at the bed, waiting for further instruction, the thought of being in bed with Kirk temporarily short circuiting his simple motor functions.

Kirk sat on the bed, toed his shoes off, and then lay down, scooting back until he was on the far side.  Then he patted the bed, indicating where he wanted the Vulcan.  Spock sat on the bed, and leaned down to take his boots off.  The thought of lying down within Kirk's arms suddenly consumed him with shyness.  When his boots were off he continued to sit there. 

After a minute, he felt hands on his shoulder, pulling him down.  Spock acquiesced and allowed himself to be positioned until he was lying with his back against Kirk's chest, Kirk's knees tucked against the back of his.  His head rested on the upper part of Kirk's left arm, while Kirk's other arm rested lightly across Spock's chest.

The intimacy of the touch was initially alarming, and Spock lay there stiff and still.  Kirk spoke softly to him, "You wouldn't remember, but I told you, the first time we did this, that humans call this spooning."

Curious.  Spock's eyebrow rose.  "Spooning?"  Spock felt a hand come up to trace the raised eyebrow.  He heard a soft laugh.

"You did that when I told you the last time.  Your eyebrow came up.  'Spooning?' you said."  The hand found its way back to Spock's chest.

Spock found himself clutching at the hand.  "What did you say?"

"I did my best to explain that I thought it came from the way spoons nestle against each other in a drawer."

"What did I say?"  Spock found himself captivated by this vignette of another Spock, who spoke and acted exactly as he.

"Curious, these human expressions of yours."  He did a remarkably good imitation of Spock.

Spock turned in Kirk's arms enough so he could see his face.  There was a soft smile there, though the sadness remained.  Then he turned the rest of the way so they were facing each other, Spock's head still on Kirk's arm.  "Is there a curious human expression for this position as well?"

Kirk's fingers clutched at Spock's back, then loosened, as if quickly remembering that he didn't have free license to touch this particular Vulcan the way he wanted to.  "Not that I know of.  Face-to-face, I guess."  He lifted his hand and made as if to touch Spock's face.  "May I?"

Spock hesitated, then nodded.  He closed his eyes as Kirk's fingers started to trace the features of his face.  First the sensitive eyelids, then the slanted brows.  They moved to his ear, touching the tip, running along the edge to the lobe.  Spock opened his eyes as the touch moved to his lips, and then to his jaw.  Then the open hand rested on his cheek.  "God, I love you so much."

Spock heard the words, and felt the impact.  They felt like a benediction.  An absolution.  They triggered a yearning in him that made him want to weep.  He met the hazel eyes and saw the love there, and allowed, for a moment, the love in his own heart to shine through his return gaze.

Kirk let out a breathy sob.  "Oh, God.  I wish…" He closed his eyes.  "Do you think that maybe my Spock is in your time?  That maybe he's alive, and that he'll find his way back here?"  He opened them just in time to see the compassion in Spock's eyes, and the truth.  Another sob escaped him.  "I know; I felt him die.  I saw the debris from the shuttle.  I just can't…oh, God, I just can't believe that…" 

Spock's throat tightened.  "Jim, I…"

Kirk buried his face against Spock's chest.  "I can't believe I'll never see him again, or touch him, or hear him tell me that he loves me.  I can't believe that he'll never kiss me, or make love to me, or smile at me. Oh, God.  Tell me it isn't true, tell me this is just a nightmare."

Spock couldn't, as much as he wanted to be able to.  He felt the sting of tears in his eyes, the lump in his throat painful.  He wrapped his arms around Kirk, holding him close as he wept, wishing he could protect him from this pain, wishing he felt free to simply take that other Spock's place. 

Eventually, the weeping stopped and turned into hiccoughed breaths, and finally into the measured breathing of sleep.  Spock didn't dare move, not wanting to wake Kirk, knowing this sleep was a brief but necessary respite before the pain began anew. 

Despite his desire to stay awake and shelter the man in his arms, Spock found himself drifting off, the emotional trauma of the last few hours taking its toll.  In a few minutes, he succumbed to his fatigue and he was allowed a brief respite as well.

*****

He woke immediately when Kirk stirred in his arms.  Through the bond he could follow the captain's thoughts.  First, joy at being in bed with his bondmate's arms around him.  Then the sadness, as memory crashed in.  Kirk put out a hand as if to move away, but instead of moving he glanced at Spock, speaking softly, "I don't know how long I'll have you, but while I do, can we stay like this?"

Spock tightened his hold.  "Yes.  I find it soothing as well."  And he did, confusing but soothing.

"Spock.  Stay.  Stay with me.  Please."

Spock didn't answer.  There was only one answer, and he did not want to voice it.  Instead he just rested his cheek on top of Kirk's hair, breathing in his scent, planting the memory securely in his mind, so he would take a piece of this Kirk home with him. 

Kirk let out a long sigh.  "I'm sorry.  I'll try not to ask again."  They lay there together for a while, neither of them speaking, the bond lapping gently between them.

Then, "Jim?  May I ask a question?"

"Of course.  What is it?"

"If it would be too painful for you to speak of it, you do not need to answer."

"Spock, just ask."

"How did all this happen?"

Kirk pulled away far enough to see Spock's face.  "All of this?"  He thought for a second and then smiled softly.  "You and me, you mean?"

Spock nodded.  "As I will probably not experience it for myself, I would be curious to know what prompted the initial conversation."

Kirk's brow furrowed.  "Why wouldn't you experience it?  If you get back to your own time, you and I will end up bonding."

"No, I will not allow it.  Not if my death will result in your death.  It is too much of a risk to take."

"It was worth it.  Even after everything I went through, it was worth it."

"I cannot risk it.  I cannot risk him."

Kirk grabbed Spock's arm in a bruising grip.  "It was worth it.  Every second we had together made it worth it.  Don't deny your Kirk this.  Don't deny yourself this.  You both needed it, you needed each other.  Promise me, promise me you won't turn your back on it."

"I am sorry, but I cannot."  It broke Spock's heart to say the words, but there was no choice as far as he was concerned.  Jim's life was too important.

"How can I let you go if you're going to not only leave me here alone, but then take from me the one thing that meant more to me than anything?  If you don't bond, I'll lose it all."

"And you will be spared the pain.  When this Spock dies, you will stay alive."

"And be half of what I was with you.  Either way, the loss of you will destroy me."  Kirk sat up, the grip still tight.  "Spock.  Listen to me.  The love between us was and is strong.  There was already a link between us.  You saw it in sickbay, when I pushed into your mind.  That's what I used to build the bond on.  You told me after we bonded the first time that the link had taken you by surprise, that it was clear we would have ended up spontaneously bonding.  The only way the two of you won't bond is if you leave the ship.  And if you're going to leave the ship, leave that Kirk, then you might as well stay here."

Spock opened his mouth to talk and then snapped it shut.  A brow rose and a look of grudging respect crossed his face.  "Your logic is quite sound."

Kirk gave him a tight smile.  "I try."  He looked at Spock earnestly.  "Tell me you won't turn your back on this."

Spock sighed.  "I will discuss it with him, and explain my concerns, sharing with him what I have seen and learned here.  If he is still willing…"

"He will be.  I promise you that.  Once I found out you were willing, nothing could have stopped me from bonding with you."  Kirk rolled out of bed.  "I need to use the bathroom.  Then seeing as you and he will end up having a very different bonding conversation than you and I did, I'll tell you how it happened for us.  All right?"

Spock nodded.  After Kirk came back, Spock took his turn, and then they both decided they could use something to eat.  Not much was said, but the companionship was easy, both taking pleasure in the presence of the other, both doing their best to push unpleasant thoughts away.

After eating, they moved to the couch.  They sat close to each other, Kirk still needing his nearness, and Spock willing to meet the need, knowing that it met his needs as well.  Kirk reached up and pulled down the neck of Spock's uniform, running his fingers softly right above his clavicle bone.  "It's not there."  He smiled sadly at Spock.  "My Spock has a scar there.  Bones tried to regenerate the tissue, but there was some sort of residue in their saliva, and he couldn't get rid of it."

"I assume you refer to the 'dog-like creatures' that Dr. McCoy spoke of?"

Kirk nodded.  "The whole mission was a fiasco.  It's nice to think that you might be able to stop it from happening now that you have a little hindsight in your back pocket."  Kirk shifted, and laced his fingers through Spock's.  "It was just a routine exploration, another typical Class M planet slated for possible colonization.  We were the final reviewers before it was classified as habitable."

"I take it things went amiss."

"A certain Vulcan science officer, who shall go unnamed, discovered some unusual readings which were of a concerning nature that hadn't been picked up by any of the previous ships.  I decided that we needed to assemble an away team and check it out.  I left you on the ship."

The smallest of frowns graced Spock's face.  "I did not accompany you?"

Kirk smiled.  "You wanted to, of course.  But I thought you could monitor our activity better from the ship."

"There is a reason for the expression, 'a captain goes down with the ship'.  It is because a captain usually stays with the ship."  Spock couldn't keep a small amount of disapproval from showing in his voice.  This was an ongoing battle between he and his captain.

"And there is a reason that the most beloved leaders were first in battle, and last in retreat, Spock.  I can't just stay on the ship and let my crew face all the danger."

"There are ample opportunities to face danger on the ship.  Many of our fiercest battles have occurred while you have been on the bridge, in command of the Enterprise.  There is no reason for you to risk yourself in every encounter both off ship and on."

"Let's not have this argument now.  We will just, as we always do, have to agree to disagree."

Disgruntled, Spock nevertheless signaled for Kirk to continue his story and found himself the recipient of one of Kirk's brilliant smiles. 

Kirk continued.  "What you had found were some areas that the sensors couldn't seem to penetrate.  How those other ships missed it is beyond me, although it was no surprise to me that you were the one who discovered the discrepancy.  So, off went the away team and you fed us the coordinates to the closest blind spot."

"What did you find?"

"Creatures that wanted to eat us.  These dog-like things.  Sorry I can't give you a better description than that.  None of our equipment worked, not our tricorders, the phasers, not even the communicators.  Whatever was blocking the sensors, blocked everything else as well.  You determined, after the fact, that it was a new mineral in the rocks and you actually asked for my permission to beam down one last time so you could get a sample."

"A most sensible request if it was truly a new mineral.  It would have been illogical to ignore such a scientific discovery."

"It wasn't sensible at all.  The dog creatures were still there, in huge numbers, and you'd already been attacked once.  I turned down your request and you sulked about it for quite some time."

"Vulcans do not sulk."

"Oh, yes they do."  Kirk grinned.  "Shall I finish the story or do you want to sulk?"  Spock gave him an affronted look and only received a laugh in return.

Spock gave in.  "Please continue."

"These creatures were on us before we knew it.  Two men went down, and the rest of us ran.  I kept us together, afraid that we'd get picked off if we separated.  It didn't take long to realize that none of our equipment worked, and that we needed to get back out to where we had last spoken to you.  But the creatures were clever and kept us at bay.  They fought like a pack, harrowing us from every side, slashing in to make a wound and then pulling back out, trying to weaken us."

Spock's hold on Kirk's hand grew tight.  He had to remind himself that Kirk had survived. 

"Two more men were killed.  It was time for the cavalry.  A very smart, brilliant in fact, cavalry who despite his orders to stay with the ship, decided that his captain needed rescuing, so orders be damned."

Spock knew he was being teased.  "I assume that said brilliant officer did indeed rescue his captain?"

Kirk scowled.  "And almost died because of it.  You had enough sense to stay on the edges of the area we had entered, so you could remain in contact with the ship, although you came as close as you could.  You called out, and immediately half the dogs left us, snarling and snapping their way to you.  I yelled out to you to stay away, that everything, including our weapons, had malfunctioned."

Spock knew he probably shouldn't ask but he couldn't help himself.  "Did I obey?"

"Of course not.  Well, that's not strictly true.  You did for a while.  You stayed outside the perimeter and as the dogs lunged for you, you were able to pick them off with your phaser.  But after a while the dogs caught on, and you had Sulu beam you down a couple of his swords."  Kirk gave Spock an approving look.  "Another brilliant move, by the way."

Spock accepted the praise with a small curve to his lips.  "It was logical."

"What we needed was a few of those machine guns from Iotia."  Kirk waved his hand, continuing the story.  "Swords in hands, you plunged into the melee, yelling out that you were coming and for me to keep talking so you could find your way to me."  Kirk let out a sigh.  "You were a magnificent sight, swords flashing, dogs dying left and right from this unprecedented attack."  He batted his eyes.  "A real hero."

Spock bit his lip to keep himself from either frowning or smiling.  He wasn't sure which.  "Please continue with the narrative."

"Yes, sir.  You fought your way to us and surrendered one of the swords to me.  Then, with the rest of the team between us we began to fight our way back out the way we came.  We were almost home free when Lieutenant Jasper stumbled.  I grabbed for him, but a dog got there first and got a grip on his leg, knocking him away from me."  He glared at Spock. 

"I take it my next action did not meet with your approval."

Kirk snickered out an annoyed laugh.  "No, it did not.  The dogs weren't stupid, they could see we were distracted by the attack and they took full advantage of it.  I yelled at you to see that everyone got out of area, where they'd be safe and could be beamed back up to the Enterprise."

"I refused?"  Spock couldn't imagine abandoning all hands that way.

"No, not the letter of the order, in any case.  You delegated the job to Chekov.  Then you came to my rescue, and Mr. Jasper's."

"My first duty is to the safety of my captain."

"And to follow his orders."

"You have just informed me that I ensured that your orders would be carried out.  Once that was done, your safety would be of the utmost importance."

"Whether you loved me or not."

Spock hesitated.  Then he took a deep breath.  "Whether I loved you or not."

Kirk rested his palm on Spock's cheek, his eyes full of love.  Then he pulled the hand back, and Spock could feel him tamper down the emotion.  "I had already killed the dog that had Jasper's leg, and he had managed to crawl close enough for the other crew to dash in and drag him out.  Meanwhile I was being attacked on all sides."  He grinned.  "They were annoyed, I think, at having so much of their dinner suddenly taken out of their grasp.  They had no intention of losing me too."

He touched the side of Spock's neck.  "That's when this happened.  You were running toward me and saw one of them lunge for my neck.  You leaped and got in between us, so it got your neck, instead of mine."

"A most equitable trade."

Kirk gritted his teeth.  "Not to me."

"Clearly I survived."

"Only by sheer luck.  If you'd been human, you would have been dead.  It would have chomped its way through your carotid artery."

"Which is what it would have done to you, if I hadn't intervened."

Kirk's eyes darkened.  " All I knew at the time was that it had its jaws around your neck, and there seemed to be a lot of green blood.  I went a little crazy.  Chekov said I killed that dog, and about half a dozen more before he could get back in and help drag you to safety.  I don't remember doing any of that.  All I remember thinking was that I had to get you out."

"It appears you were successful."

"Yes, but it was too close.  You were bleeding like crazy, and unresponsive.  Jasper was out too, and I was afraid that you'd both been poisoned.  It seemed to take forever until the transporter worked and we could get you both to sickbay, although I know it was only a few seconds.  Bones said there was a poison of sorts in both your bloodstreams, a soporific, intended to knock out the victim, and keep them from fighting back.  It didn't take him long to reassure me that you were going to be okay, and I got the added bonus of a long winded discourse on Vulcan anatomy and how it saved your hide."

"A Vulcan's body is fairly resilient."

Kirk snorted.  "It was luck." He reached out and wrapped his hand around Spock's side, palm resting over Spock's heart.  "If it had bitten you here instead, Vulcan strength or no, it would have killed you."

There was more to the story and Spock was anxious to hear it.  "I am curious as to what happened next."

"I avoided you.  Once I knew you were all right, I didn't come visit you in sickbay.  I knew you were asking about me, McCoy read me the riot act about it, but I was a wreck.  It had been too close.  I've seen you almost die a dozen times, Spock, but when I saw that thing with its jaws around your neck, I…"

He shook his head.  "I thought I'd really lost you, and it threw me.  I realized how much you meant to me.  Really meant to me.  And I had no idea how you felt.  I knew I was important to you."  He gave Spock a wry grin.  "I knew you wouldn't offer yourself up to die in my stead on such a regular basis if I wasn't.  And I hoped it wasn't just because I was your captain."

"It was not."

Kirk nodded, accepting Spock's assurance.  "At the time, all I could do was hope that was the case.  In any event, I needed to think, and I wasn't ready to face you."

Spock could guess what he did next.  "When I was discharged, I assume I tracked you down?"

"Yes.  I was in my cabin, pacing.  The door chimed and I knew it was you.  I almost didn't answer it, but it was foolish to think I could keep hiding, especially as I knew I'd have to face you on the bridge the next day.  So, I let you in.  And as soon as I saw you…" He let out a very soft laugh.

"What did you do?"

"This."  Kirk leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Spock.  "I hugged you.  I couldn't help it.  As soon as I saw you I had to touch you.  So I did.  I put my arms around you and held on tight."

Spock's arms completed the circle.  "Did I hold you back?"

"You did.  Just like this.  And we stood there for the longest time."  History repeated itself as the two men sat on the couch, holding each other.  Then Kirk pulled his head away.  "Then I…I kissed your scar, like this."  He demonstrated, pressing his lips on Spock's neck.  His voice was whisper soft.  "Then I did it again, but farther up.  Like this."  He pressed another kiss to the underside of Spock's jaw.  Spock knew he should stop this but he felt powerless, swept under by a slowly rising tide of longing.

"You grew so still, but you didn't pull away, so I kept going."  The demonstration continued.  More kisses were placed on Spock's jaw, his cheek, the soft skin behind his ear.  "Then you turned your head like this."  Kirk reached out and with his hand, he turned Spock's head, until their lips were millimeters apart.

Spock felt as if he were grappling for a handhold on a steadily deteriorating cliff side.  Kirk closed the gap between them, and pressed his lips to Spock's.  Letting out a groan, Kirk deepened the kiss, his tongue sweeping inside Spock's mouth, as he shifted their bodies even closer. 

The temptation to succumb was tantalizing.  The desire was like nothing Spock had ever experienced, his body felt joyfully alive, his genitals swelling, primal instincts coming to the fore.  The human he loved was in his arms, in his mind, touching him, loving him.  Spock began to lower Kirk to the cushions on the couch, trying to increase the areas of contact between them.

Kirk helped out by inching down so he was lying flat on the couch.  He let out a cry of pleasure when Spock covered him with his body.  "Oh, yes, Spock, just like this.  This is exactly what happened."

It was the past tense that pulled Spock back.  For a teetering moment he almost considered continuing, the feel of the body underneath him, the hands caressing him, speaking to his desire and to the need for completion.  Then he pulled his lips away and rested his head on Kirk's shoulder, gasping for breath and for sanity.

Kirk thrust up against him.  "Don't stop.  Don't stop touching me."

Spock knew he would be lost if he didn't act immediately.  He wrenched out of Kirk's grip and stood, taking two steps backward, one hand out as if to ward temptation away.

Kirk let out a frustrated cry and covered his face with his hands.  Then he turned away from Spock, curling up on the couch.

Spock stood there, watching Kirk curl up in pain.  Spock felt torn, lost, adrift in emotions he had too little experience with.  "Jim."

Kirk shook his head, and curled in tighter.  "Don't.  Just leave me alone for a few minutes."

Spock reluctantly honored the request and he withdrew out of the living area.  He stood, bewildered, not sure where to go or what to do.  Then the office areas caught his eye.  He identified which one had belonged to the other Spock and he entered, sitting down in front of the computer. 

As he reached to turn it on he saw that his hand was shaking.  He withdrew it and clasped his hands together in his lap.  Closing his eyes he focused on his body, practicing basic biofeedback, slowing down his breathing and his heart rate, assisting them back to normal rhythms.  He focused on his blood supply and redirected it from his groin back into his circulating system.  It seemed to take a very long time and an inordinate amount of concentration. 

In time, he was nominally successful, and when he reached for the computer again, he was pleased to see that his hand was no longer shaking, or at least, not as much.

*****

He had barely begun to search through some records when he looked up to find Kirk leaning against the doorjamb.  Their eyes met; Spock stayed silent, unsure what he could say that wouldn’t cause more pain.

Kirk gave him a tight smile.  “I’m sorry, Spock.  I promised you I wouldn’t do that to you, and I did it anyway.”

Spock looked at his captain with compassionate eyes.  “There is no need for apologies, Jim.  This is difficult for both of us, and there was sufficient cause.  In addition, I…I did not stop you when I ought to have.”

That solicited a tight grin.  “No you didn’t.  God, Spock, we were good together.  From the first time we kissed, we were good together."

Spock had absolutely no doubt of that. 

Kirk walked in to the office.  “Let me fast forward to the end of the story.  We made love that night, and after talking it to death, you bonded us a week later.”  He gave Spock a rueful grin.  “I was quite persistent.”

“I do not find that hard to believe.”

Kirk snorted out a short laugh.  “You wanted it too.  I wouldn’t have kept pushing if I didn’t believe that.  As usual, you were more concerned for any possible repercussions of a bond on me, not you.”

“I am sure that I would not have initially bonded us if it hadn’t been a state I truly desired.”  He paused.  "Although I find it difficult to believe that I agreed to a death bond."

"You didn't.  Neither of us did.  It just happened."  He sighed.  "And then I did it again."

“You simply recreated what you were familiar with.  It was reasonable for you to assume I was your bondmate.  You believed you were saving my life as well as your own.  If I had given it sufficient thought before starting a meld with you, I might have realized what might happen and entered your mind as a healer would.  But, it is irrelevant.  What is done, is done.”

“Yes, it is.  And while I know that you feel you have to try and get home, and I will assist you, I’m still afraid that the journey will kill you.  I’m afraid that as soon as you leave this time, my time, to travel back to your own, that the severed bond will affect you as it did me.”

“It is possible.  I have been giving this some thought.  I believe we should try and find a Vulcan healer before I attempt this.  Perhaps he or she can assist us in this endeavor by blocking the effects so I will have more time before succumbing.  And the healer can be at your side when I leave, so the severed bond will not result in your death this time.”

“Spock.”

Spock interrupted him.  “Jim, do you truly wish to throw your life away?  I understand the bond, I understand the pain of separation.  I am no more prepared for your death than you are for mine.  However, if it was within your means to hang on to life, would you truly turn away from it?”

Kirk gave the question the consideration it deserved.  “No, I suppose I wouldn’t.  But, it doesn’t feel as if it would be much of a life without you.”

“Nor mine, without you.”

“The right me.”

“Jim.”  Spock’s heart tightened at the look of sadness of his friend’s face.

“No, it’s all right, Spock.  I understand.”  He pulled up a chair and sat next to the Vulcan, gesturing at the computer.  “What have you been looking at?”

“The events you were just relating to me.  I was curious as to the aftermath.”

Kirk grinned.  “You mean you were horrified that we left a brand new mineral behind us, without even a specimen on hand to study.”

Spock lifted an eyebrow.  “I would hardly consider myself horrified, Captain.”

“The Vulcan equivalent, then.  But, as I’m sure you found out or would have found out if you’d read that far, at your request a science vessel was sent to investigate the new mineral, and last I heard from my Spock, as all the data was being forwarded to him as a courtesy, they were starting to make some small headway.”

“And the creatures?”

“Also being studied.  And the planet, needless to say, has been temporarily taken off the colonization roster.”

Spock was gratified that the discovery was being investigated.  He had been somewhat unsettled at the thought that they had walked away from a scientific discovery.  Spock could sense some amusement at his expense through the bond.  He tried to ignore the desire and aching need that was also coming through.  Despite the leakage, Spock could tell that Kirk was doing his best to shield his feelings. 

“Spock, I’ve been thinking.  How did you come to be on that shuttle?  In my timeline you didn’t disappear, so what happened to make a difference?”

Spock steepled his hands before him.  “I am not certain.  It was a last minute decision on my part.”

Kirk frowned and glanced at the computer.  “What was the exact star date?”

“5736.7”

Kirk spoke to the terminal.  “Computer, show captain’s logs for star date 5736.7.”  The computer complied by displaying Kirk’s entry for that date on the screen. 

Only a second after the captain began to read, Spock could feel his increasing agitation.  “What is it?”

“Spock, we have to get you back.”

Spock didn’t understand.  He glanced at the computer screen again.  “I gather that something in this entry has concerned you.”  At first glance, all Spock could see was a written report of the captain's frustration with several malfunctions on the ship.

“That's putting it mildly.  We almost lost the ship.  The anomaly started to move and eventually it engulfed the ship.  Everything began to break down.  You figured out that we were being affected by some time-phasic displacement.  Pieces of the ship were all operating out of sync, as if different molecules were actually existing in different moments in time.”

“Curious.”

Kirk snorted.  “Yes, you were quite fascinated at the time, but the point is that without you on the ship, it would have exploded.  The engines were breaking down, the anti-matter holding tanks were leaking because, according to you, the space between the molecules of all the solid matter on the ship was becoming undependable.  Nothing was holding its shape consistently.”

Spock bit his bottom lip.  “I am sure you would have determined the cause and ascertained how to repair the damage in my absence.  There is no one who knows more about the Enterprise and how she functions.”

Kirk was shaking his head.  “I appreciate the confidence, Spock, but this was way beyond me.  You were the only one with the knowledge to figure out what was happening.  You worked on the problem for 36 hours straight before you came up with a solution, while the rest of us bought you time racing around trying to keep the ship from falling to pieces around us.”

“What was the solution?”

“I still don’t completely understand it.  You developed a solution that you fed to the main computer after having us fly right smack in the middle of the anomaly again.  For some reason, while we were in the anomaly, the molecules of the ship were all operating fully in correct time and the phasic disparities were manifesting as co-existing different times, as if the entire Enterprise was complete and whole in one individual universe layered on top of other Enterprises, but all a few seconds off.  We could see them, like shadow selves, working on the bridge, scrambling down Jeffries tubes.” 

He shook his head at the memory.  “You used some theorem on anti-time that you were working on, and decided that the ship would be safe while in the anomaly.  It was only outside of it, that the shadow selves started to merge, leaving holes in everything.  Then you…”  Kirk frowned, lost for words, and then waved his hand around, “…you waved your magic wand and fixed it.”

Spock’s eyebrow rose.  “Hardly a scientific explanation, Captain.”

Kirk rolled his eyes and shrugged in surrender.  "You can read my Spock's reports.  I'm sure it will make perfect sense to you.  Maybe that's what happened to you, Spock.  Maybe you got caught in one of those shadow times and you sort of slipped sideways."

"That is, of course, possible, but it is still a year in the future.  According to your description, those shadow universes were only seconds off from what we would have considered the 'right' time."

Kirk's lips tightened.  "It doesn't really matter.  What does matter is that you have to get back or your Enterprise will fall apart and take your Kirk with it."

Spock held Kirk's gaze.  "And thereby killing you as well."

Kirk gave him a tight smile.  "It doesn’t matter.  What does matter is getting you back.  Then you can save the Enterprise, and save yourself, so I don't lose you a year later."

Spock wanted to argue Kirk's point about his death not mattering, but he let it go.  "Logic would dictate that we find another anomaly, as I suspect within it lies the way back to my own time."

"I agree."  He reached across the desk to hit the intercom.  "Mr. Sulu."

"Sulu here." 

"Check the navigation logs starting with stardate 5736.7 until you find Spock's algorithm for locating the space anomaly we were chasing at the time.  Then, run the program."

"If we locate one, should I lay in a course?"

"Affirmative."

"Aye, aye, Captain."

Kirk flipped off the intercom.  "You'll need to set that algorithm for the shuttlecraft as well, in case we run out of time."

"It is also essential that we attempt to locate a Vulcan healer.  Perhaps at the nearest Starbase."

Kirk shook his head.  "We can't afford to waste the time.  If your time is running at the same rate as ours, you only have a little over a day to get back before the situation deteriorates past the point of repair."

"It is also possible that when the Jim Kirk of my time saw my shuttle disappear that he took evasive action and avoided the anomaly completely."

"Possibly, but we can't afford to take that chance."

"There is, however, no reason we cannot be searching for a Vulcan healer concurrently to this other search.  If an anomaly is found we can always change course."

Kirk considered Spock for a moment, then nodded.  He pressed the intercom again.  "Kirk to McCoy."

There was a moment's pause.  "McCoy here, Jim."

"I'd appreciate it if you'd start looking for a Vulcan healer."

The voice was rich in satisfaction.  "First sensible thing you've said all day.  I'll get right on it."

Again, Kirk released the intercom button and looked at Spock.  "Satisfied?"

Spock nodded.  "I find any strategy that will save your life to be eminently satisfying."

Kirk blew out a breath.  Spock could feel a resurgence of sadness through the bond.  Kirk pointed at the desk.  "You keep your disks in the second drawer.  Make a copy of your logs.  It will save time once you get back if you have the solution in hand."

Spock silently obeyed by opening the drawer and pulling out a disk.  He slipped it into its receptacle and gave instructions to copy any logs that made reference to the anomaly.  His eyes read the type as it raced across the screen, ensuring that all pertinent information was being saved.  Kirk started to head out of the office.  Spock glanced up at him.  "Captain?"

Kirk pointed to his own office.  "I have some things I want to take care of, just in case we don't find a Vulcan healer in time.  I have some messages to tape.  I didn't have time for goodbye's last time."

Spock's eyes grew dark with pain at the thought of this man's death, but he simply nodded, and watched him as he moved to his own office, shutting the door behind him.

Chapter 3