And When the Bond Breaks

TITLE: And When the Bond Breaks

AUTHOR: Ra

RATING: NC-17

PAIRING: K/S

DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to Paramount, and many other people who make much more money than I ever will. So, please, look the other way. Says in a low voice with a small hand gesture: These aren't the droids you're looking for, move along.

SUMMARY: Spock takes the shuttle for a brief mission to investigate a spatial anomaly. When he returns to the Enterprise, things are a little different.

FEEDBACK: Absolutely.

THANKS: To all my wonderful Buffy beta's who so willingly offered to beta and comment on my Star Trek stuff: Gileswench, Deb, and Morr. And thanks to Morgan Lefey for her advice. And of course, thanks to Dword for taking such good care of all my stories!

And When the Bond Breaks

Chapter 1

It was surrounding the shuttlecraft before he could move it out of harm’s way. Spock’s eyebrows rose in a shared battle of curiosity and concern for his well-being. The move was unexpected. He’d been studying the space anomaly for several days while on the Enterprise, and for two point three six hours from aboard the shuttlecraft. It had shown no previous movement other than a small natural sway in response to space eddies.

He attempted evasive maneuvers but the shuttlecraft was well and truly caught within the phenomenon. Just for a millisecond, everything rippled, then settled back down again. He checked the readings on the shuttle's console, and it didn't appear as if any systems had been affected.

Spock attempted to hail the Enterprise but he was unsuccessful. The Vulcan tried a few benign tactics to pull the craft free, uneasy at the prospect of using anything aggressive on the remote chance it might be sentient. As it seemed to be doing him no harm, Spock decided to accept the situation for the time being and use the opportunity to take further readings.

After fifteen point four minutes had passed, the anomaly unexpectedly moved back to its original position. Spock immediately hailed the ship. "Spock to Enterprise, come in, Enterprise."

The first thing Spock heard was a gasp. Then Uhura spoke. "Mr. Spock, is that you?"

A single eyebrow went up. He had just identified himself. "Affirmative, Lieutenant."

The communication line still open between ship and shuttlecraft, Spock listened as Uhura spoke again, but not to him. "Mr. Scott, it's Spock. He's alive."

Spock heard the engineer's response. "That canna be him. We saw the shuttlecraft explode with him inside." Spock's other eyebrow went up.

"I know, sir, but it's him."

"Put him on screen, lassie, put him on screen."

Spock could now see the bridge, and saw that they were all looking at him with startled expressions on their faces. Their eyes were wide, jaws were dropped, and they were all speechless. Spock might have found it faintly amusing if he hadn't also noticed that the Captain was absent, with Scott sitting in the captain's chair. Spock hadn't been gone long enough to necessitate a crew change. He focused on his highest priority. "Mr. Scott. Where is the Captain?"

Scotty visibly tried to pull himself together. He shook his head, hard, and threw back his shoulders. "Knight to Bishop's Four."

Spock was even more mystified but he gave the appropriate response. "Bishop to Queen's Level Three."

Scotty let out a gasp, and turned to Uhura. "I don't know how, but it's him. Let him in, lass."

Spock, his brows furrowed, spoke again, calmly, belying his growing sense of apprehension. "I do not understand the need for such security. What has happened? Where is the Captain?"

"I'll explain it all to you when you get inside. Don't waste anymore time, lad. The Captain needs ye." Scotty added an emphatic waving gesture to his words.

Spock's eyebrow rose again but he nodded. "I expect to land in three point two four minutes. Spock out."

*****

Spock lowered the shuttle down into the hangar bay, shut the controls down and waited for the hatch to open. He tried to ignore the anxiety engendered by Mr. Scott's words. Where was Jim? Why was the captain in need of him? Knowing that all the answers would soon be available to him he curbed his impatience. As he walked down the ramp he saw Scott run into the hangar, still looking flustered but with a huge smile on his face.

"I dinna believe it. I dinna believe my own eyes."

"Calm yourself, Mr. Scott. Your behavior is quite illogical." Spock hoped he was successfully maintaining his own calm façade.

Scotty put his hand on Spock's arm, gripping tightly. "Yours would be too, lad, if I'd been blown up into a million pieces and then stood in front of you like nothin' had happened."

Spock's eyes widened, not only at being referred to as a 'lad' for the second time, but also because Scott was touching him. And not only touching him, the chief engineer was actually tugging on his arm. The engineer never touched him, unless inebriated. Spock was grateful his shields were firmly in place. He planted himself, calmly removing the Scotsman's arm from his. "Mr. Scott, I must insist that you explain your behavior, and tell me where the Captain is."

"He's in sickbay. He's dyin'. We have to get you there."

Spock felt his heart lurch in his chest and found it difficult to breathe. Of all the words in the universe, those were the ones he dreaded the most. "Dying?" It could not be true. He would not allow it to be true. Spock needed no further tugging to get him moving. "Explain."

Scotty had to run to keep up with him. "We thought you died, laddie. We saw the shuttlecraft explode. The Captain felt you die through your bond and…" There was a puzzled pause, "…I don't understand how you can be alive."

Spock stopped abruptly, the words short-circuiting him, and the engineer ran right into him. Spock stabilized him with a strong grip. "You are making no sense. I am clearly not dead. The shuttlecraft is intact. And what bond do you speak of?" He couldn’t imagine Mr. Scott imbibing in alcoholic substances while on duty. He tried to detect any odor on the engineer's breath. Nothing.

Scotty waved it all off as unimportant. "We can talk about that later. I have to get you to sickbay before he dies. The doctor said it wouldna be long."

Spock needed more information but the worried appeal on Scott's face made him decide it could wait until he got to sickbay and could ascertain for himself whether the captain was indeed in danger. He began to move quickly again, ignoring the stunned looks he received from everyone he passed.

As he moved, Spock noticed some changes. He saw a few crewmembers he didn't recognize. Some of the carpeting was different, and he recognized a door that used to be labeled as storage, now boasting a nameplate for Nurse Chapel. The changes continued as he entered sickbay. There were new monitors, and a new lab counter had been added. He looked around for the captain, or the doctor.

Then McCoy was there, his eyebrows almost off his face. "Jumpin' Jehosophat, it is you. Get your butt in here. Where the hell have you been?"

"I was merely completing my mission, Doctor. It is incomprehensible to me as to why everyone seems to think I have died." Spock was beginning to feel annoyed although he did his best to breathe through it. He didn't like mysteries, not unless they were something that could be put under a microscope. He had a moment's suspicion that this was a hoax being perpetrated on him by Dr. McCoy, but this seemed a bit tasteless even for him.

McCoy was tugging on his arm now and Spock felt another flash of amazement that he was being pulled on again. No one touched him. No one but the captain. "We can argue about it later. All you have to do is convince him you're still alive." He dragged Spock into the treatment room.

Spock tried to deny what he was seeing. Kirk was lying on a sickbay bed, his usual glow and exuberance all but extinguished; he was pale and much too still and Spock could see death hovering over him. It terrified him almost past the point of functioning. It was an effort to find his voice, an effort not to reach out and touch the still body, to find proof with his own hands that warmth and breath remained. "What has happened to him?"

"It must be your bond, Spock. He felt you die. It's like he just gave up."

Spock could hear the anxious expectation in the doctor's voice, as if he was waiting for the Vulcan to now make things right. He moved to his friend's bedside. "Doctor, I do not know what you are talking about. The Captain and I are not bonded." The words were hard to say. He longed for it to be true, and it was unbearable that the possibility of it ever happening was dying right in front of his eyes.

"Of course you're bonded. Scotty and I drank an entire bottle of Romulan Ale toasting the two of you." He looked at Scotty for confirmation, and Spock could see that his eyes were filled with frustration at whatever game Spock was playing. Spock did not know how to reassure him, not when he was beginning to question his own sanity.

Scotty offered confirmation. "That's right, it was out of my own stock."

Spock was completely flummoxed. "When were we bonded?" Was something wrong with him? Had he lost his memory somehow? Could it be true? Could he be bonded with Jim? Spock tried to push the hope away. His rational mind screamed for more data.

McCoy's exasperation with the Vulcan colored his voice. "Right after that mission where you almost got killed by those dog-like creatures on Lumvernia. The ones that did this." With a finger, the doctor pulled at the neck of Spock's tunic, to expose marks he clearly expected to see. Except they weren't there. "What the…"

Spock removed the doctor's hand. "I have no memory of Lumvernia, or of being attacked by any…dog-like creatures." At a moan from the bed, Spock turned his attention immediately back to his captain.

The doctor moved to the other side of the bed. "I don't know what's going on but you need to meld with him, Spock. Let him know you're alive. For pity's sake, man, do you want him to die?"

"Of course not, Doctor." He lifted his hand but hesitated. A meld was not something he ever did lightly, the need to do no harm paramount. He required more information. Spock ran what data he had through his mind. He drew a possible conclusion. "What is the date?"

Scotty answered that one. "Stardate 6102.3."

Spock's body stilled, part of him gratified he had drawn a correct conclusion, another part of him even more concerned about how the situation he now found himself in. "When I left the Enterprise it was stardate 5736.7"

McCoy held on to the bed. "A year ago?" He looked down at his friend, lying pale and motionless. "What are you saying? That you're not our Spock? You really aren't bonded?"

The look in Spock's eyes must have been sufficient communication.

McCoy's face crumpled. "So, he is going to die."

The thought of Kirk's death, any Kirk, set off a most un-Vulcan like keening deep within Spock's soul. Before he could fully consider the ethics of the situation Spock slid his fingers into position over the meld spots. "I can promise nothing, but I will attempt to contact him. I will try to bring him back." He glanced up at the doctor. "I require privacy."

McCoy hesitated but then nodded, his eyes full of sadness. He turned and caught Scotty's equally despondent gaze. The two men left the room, closing the door behind them.

Spock closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths to center himself, to prepare himself for what he might find. His thoughts were in turmoil. Bonded. He and Jim, bonded. It had been his deepest longing, and one he had hoped might some day come to pass. And apparently it had; here was his proof. It seemed the ultimate cruelty that it would result in Jim's death.

Spock swept his thoughts away, clearing his mind for the task ahead. He gently pressed within Kirk's mind. //Jim.// All he found was darkness and despair. He felt his own throat tightening in response. He pushed in deeper. //Jim, I am here. Come to me.// Grief rolled over him in waves. He questioned his ability to withstand the dark desolation. Needing to free his friend from this pain, he pushed in even deeper. //Jim!//

It was so faint he almost wasn't sure he heard it. He focused all his energy on his mental senses. He heard it again. //Spock?//

//Yes, Jim, it is I.//

//Spock!//

The joy he felt coming from his captain swept him up as well. It was impossible not to reciprocate, not when he could feel Kirk's life force growing stronger with every passing second. //Yes. Yes, Jim.//

He was not prepared for the onslaught that came next. Kirk's mind slammed into his own and it almost knocked him off his feet. The penetration was deep, deeper than any mind meld the two of them had shared. Too deep. Spock had no idea how to push back, honesty forcing him to acknowledge that a part of him didn't want to.

Spock could feel Kirk searching, could feel Kirk's desperate need to replace that which had been taken from him. Spock followed in his wake, trying to reassure as best he could. When they reached Kirk's intended destination, Spock knew how precipitate the mind meld had been. They were in his bonding center.

In less than a second he saw the thread, the slender link that connected him to his own Kirk. He hadn't even realized it existed. Before the second was up, before he could hope to intervene, Kirk struck with all the love and longing and need, with all the mental strength he had into that link, rebuilding it into the bond he'd known, strand by strand, color by color. Spock was overrun, overwhelmed, and conquered.

Spock could sense Kirk's satisfaction, as the bond grew strong again. He also sensed Kirk's concern as he realized that all was not well with his Vulcan bondmate. //Spock? Spock, what's wrong?//

Spock could feel the bond, a full mating bond. The presence of it in his mind was staggering. It had happened so fast, something that should not have been able to happen at all. Jim had bonded them. The strength of the human's mind stupefied him. The strength of the bond was mesmerizing. And terrifying. It was a full bond, a death bond. No way to undo it. For the first time in as long as he could remember, Spock had no idea what to do. He floundered within his own mind.

Kirk's worry increased, his concern vibrating strongly across the bond. Somehow knowing that Spock was beyond even mental speech, Kirk sent him waves of love and comfort. Spock tried to pull himself together.

Spock could sense Kirk's thoughts. Despite his own shame at his lack of mental cohesiveness, Spock felt something quite different from Kirk. Kirk loved feeling Spock in mental dishabille. He found it endearing. No one else got to see this vulnerable side to the Vulcan. It was his privilege alone, and he reveled in it, and fiercely protected it. The support of the human's tender thoughts helped Spock to function again.

Spock's hand dropped off Kirk's face. With the bond, it was no longer necessary. With no clear action plan of any sort as yet, Spock surrendered to the sensation of having Jim Kirk in his mind, surrendered to the love. Spock mentally put his hands out and the love poured into them until they overflowed, cascading to the ground, nurturing the empty places inside of him. His longing for it was too acute to turn away, to refuse what belonged to a different Spock, in a different time.

Kirk sat up and pulled the Vulcan into his arms. Spock identified it as weakness, this willingness to pretend, to allow himself to be held, and in turn, to hold this body within his arms, even if it wasn't the body he was meant to hold. It had too long been a desire of his. Soon, there would be truth. Soon enough Kirk would realize the imposter he held in his arms. Surely a few stolen moments would be forgiven.

Kirk's hands ran up and down the Vulcan's back. //Are you better now, my love?// One hand slid to Spock's lower abdomen, resting over the rapidly beating heart. //What happened? I thought you were dead. I thought I had lost you. I called for you but you were gone, the bond was gone.//

A part of Spock grieved. Too soon. Too soon for truths. Let things remain as they are a little bit longer.

When no answer to his questions was forthcoming, Spock was not surprised that, with his usual determination, Kirk just began to look for the answers. Spock could feel him searching and then he could sense the confusion grow. The answers weren't there. The knowledge wasn't there of these most recent events, or of their lives together as bondmates. Kirk's body started to stiffen. He pulled his head up and spoke out loud for the first time. "I don't understand. Have you lost part of your memory?" He searched the Vulcan's face, looking for an answer. "Spock?"

Spock didn't know what to say. It was a new experience, to be at a total loss for words. "Captain…"

That got a response. "Captain? We're alone, Spock. You haven't called me Captain…" Kirk put his hand up and touched the Vulcan's face, searching his mind again. "You really don't remember, do you? There's no memory of us being bonded in your mind, of us being together at all. What happened to you?"

Spock took a step back, and laced his hands behind his back, pulling on all his Vulcan reserves. "Captain, I believe that while I was in the shuttle, I went through some sort of temporal inversion fold in the space-time matrix."

Kirk blinked, absorbing that information. He shook his head. "I don't understand. I saw your shuttle explode. I saw the debris." His eyes closed, his mind full of the pain of loss. When they reopened, Spock saw that Kirk was trying hard to control and to understand. "Are you saying that debris was from an alternate time, that somehow the shuttle wasn't destroyed, that it was protected momentarily by a time displacement?"

"No, Captain. I am saying that I am not the Spock with whom you bonded. I cannot say with any certainty what has happened to your Spock."

Kirk's hand made a slight gesture toward his own chest, and there was a pause before he spoke. "My Spock?" He slid off the sick bay bed, and took a cautious step toward the Vulcan. "My Spock?"

"Yes, Captain. Your Spock. I am not from this time. When I boarded the shuttle for a mission of only three hours duration, it was stardate 5736.7."

"But that was a year ago." The timber of Kirk's voice was rising and Spock could feel a corresponding rising of panic.

Spock questioned the wisdom of continuing this conversation when Kirk had been so recently incapacitated. "Perhaps I should get Dr. McCoy."

"No." Kirk grabbed his arm. "Let me make sure I understand you completely. You're saying that from the time you left the Enterprise on the shuttlecraft, until now, that an entire year has elapsed?"

"That would appear to be the case."

"And you and I aren't bonded yet?"

Spock swallowed. "That is not exactly true."

The situation was slowly becoming horrifyingly clear. Kirk sat down again, first reaching back with a hand to make sure he hit the bed. "God, I bonded us."

"I do not understand how that is possible, but yes, you did."

Kirk covered his face with his hands and rubbed hard. When he looked back up he shook his head. "I don't know what to do. How do I grieve the death of my best friend when you're standing in front of me? How do I acknowledge the loss of my bondmate, when I can feel you in my mind? What happens now?"

"I do not know. I only know that this is not where I belong."

Kirk reached out and grabbed Spock's arm. "This is where you belong. With me. It's still me, Spock, just a year later. I know you love me, you told me you had for a long time, just as I had loved you."

Spock felt an acute discomfort at hearing his deepest secret so easily spoken of. Regardless that it was the truth. Regardless that he certainly, through the bond, now knew of Kirk's long and abiding love for him. Spock felt overloaded with sensations and he needed time to adjust. "Captain…Jim. I do not belong here, I belong with the James Kirk of my own time."

Through the bond, Spock could feel Kirk mentally grasping at straws. Grasping at anything that would keep him from having to face the death of the Spock he knew and had chosen as a lifemate. "If you leave, I'll die. You'll die. You won't survive the bond being severed either. If he had to choose to have you alive with me, or dead with him, you know what he'd choose."

"It is possible that I will be able to return before the severed bond renders me unconscious."

"To do what? Force a bond on him? You'd never do that. You wouldn't even ask him, thinking it coercion, or bribery of the worst kind, especially because it's something you want. All that would happen is he'd watch you withdraw ever deeper as you followed that broken bond into death."

"He is already potentially dealing with my death." That thought made Spock ache. And this Kirk's words hurt just as badly. No answers. Spock needed to think, he needed to gain control again. "Forgive me. I must be alone for a while."

Kirk gave him a sad smile. "I know. You need to meditate. Go on. We share quarters now, my old quarters. I'll give you some time."

Spock knew this wasn't any easier for Kirk. He sent a thought of gratitude across the bond. He was almost able to stifle the moment of joy he felt at its existence. Bonded with Jim. Spock sensed Kirk pick up a trace of it. It lightened his face, and he sent a soft wave of love back to Spock. Through it, Spock could still feel the confusion, the grief stymied by Spock's physical and mental presence.

Spock couldn't help but respond with love of his own. This was still James Kirk, regardless of the time aberration. And he loved him. The thought drove the need for meditation even deeper. It was imperative to discover a way to protect both Kirk's. It was inconceivable to him that either of them suffer.

With a brief head motion, Kirk made it clear that if he was going, he needed to go now. "Send Bones in, would you?"

Spock nodded. He didn't trust his voice. Finding it extraordinarily hard to turn his back on his bondmate and leave his side, Spock forced his legs to move.

Kirk listened to him leave. Then he heard the approaching footsteps. "Jim. Thank God, you're all right." He found himself the recipient of a huge hug.

Kirk tried to smile. "Yes, Bones. I'm all right."

McCoy pulled back and took a good long look at him. Then he shook his head. "No, you're not, not by a long shot. I mean you're alive, and that's a long ways from bad, but things aren't all right, are they?"

He shook his head. "No, I'm not all right, and neither is Spock."

"He saved your life. Seems like that ought to cheer even a Vulcan up."

Kirk breathed out a short but unhappy laugh. "I bonded us. I don't even know how I did it. But I got in his mind, and found his bonding center and assumed squatter's rights."

Kirk paced across the small room and then leaned against the wall. He was exhausted and all he really wanted to do was sleep with Spock's body curled around him. He pushed the thought bitterly away. "He's not my Spock, but I bonded us. And now he's stuck. And that means that the me who expects him back won't get him back. Or it means that he tries to go back, knowing he's sentencing me to death." He drew a long shuddering breath. "And it means my Spock is dead." He covered his face with his hands.

McCoy followed him across the room and put a consoling hand on Kirk's shoulder. "It's hard to think of him as dead when someone that looks and talks and acts just like him is walking around, and I won't pretend I know how to help you deal with this. But there's got to be something he can do to protect you. Some sort of Vulcan mind thing that will keep you alive if he decides to leave. Why do you have to die?"

"Our bond is deep, Bones. The deepest sort of bond a Vulcan can have. They call it a death bond. Unless there's another Vulcan around to mentally secure you, the severed bond just creates a black hole inside and it sucks you in, takes your will to live away, as if somehow you know that only in death will you be reconnected to what's been ripped away."

"So that's it? If Spock dies you die, if you die, he dies? And Starfleet knows this? And still lets the two of you command on this ship, knowing that if one of you dies, the ship loses both of you?" McCoy's voice reflected his growing anger and frustration. "And why the hell didn't I know this? As CMO you had no right to keep the ramifications of your bond from me."

"Yes, they know, and no, they don't like it. But it was what they had to accept to keep us both. We refused to serve apart. So it was either accept our resignation, or cross their fingers and hope that neither of us was killed. And we were going to tell you. And not just you. The entire command team needed to know." He tried a smile to ease his way, knowing he was failing dismally.

"But you didn't because you knew I'd think you were crazy, and you are. This is insanity."

Kirk nodded, stretching out his neck, reaching up a hand to try and loosen the tightness. "I know it seems that way to you, but bonding with Spock was one of the best things I ever did. When we chose to bond Spock had no intention of forming a death bond between us, but it just happened. He said it was because our minds and katras were so attuned." Kirk smiled feeling both sad and proud at the same time.

"Katras?"

Kirk paused, thinking of the best translation. "Souls, Bones, our souls."

Bones stared at Kirk, mulling it over. When he spoke his voice reflected his anger. "What a bunch of romantic claptrap. It just happened? He bonded you and it became a death sentence?" He let out a colorful curse. "Of all the stupid…" He shook his head, clearly deciding that a scolding was not what Kirk needed now. "Well, I suggest that you figure out a way to keep Spock here, or we need to find us another Vulcan."

"I don't want to live without him." And Kirk didn't. He couldn't imagine such a thing, especially not with the bond back in place. It was his home. The only home he wanted.

"Jim, that's a damn foolish thing to say, and an even more foolish thing to feel."

Kirk wished he could make McCoy feel okay about this, but he knew that asking a friend to look the other way while you asked to die, especially this friend, was asking too much. "I know it. But it's the truth. I could survive with another Vulcan to help, but I'd only be half of what I am. He completes me, Bones. When I think of a life without him, all I see is desert."

"You'd find an oasis after a while, Jim. There's always an oasis sooner or later, if you just hang in there long enough. It's not healthy to need someone that much."

Kirk reached inside and felt the bond. Its presence surrounded him, supported him, made the air around him richer and sweeter. "It's not about needing someone that much. It's about being loved that much. No one will ever be able to love me like he does." His voice caught. "Like he did." How was he supposed to think in past tenses when the bond was there? "I don't want an oasis. I just want him."

"That sounds like need to me. And you've loved before, and after a while, you loved again. I know it's an old cliché, but time truly heals everything."

Kirk had no idea how to explain an eternal love to his friend. "Some loves are worth dying for. I don't know how else to say it. We're all going to die sometime. Hopefully, when death pays a call we all have a minute to tally up the decisions we made, and figure out if the life we led was worth the dying. When I felt Spock die, when I felt the bond rip apart, even in the midst of that pain, I knew that I'd made the right choice. That his love was worth the dying. I'd do it again." Kirk winced. He had done it again.

"I don't want to lose you." The doctor's voice was tight, reflecting the pain of the potential loss.

"And I don't particularly feel like being lost. But, right now, my staying found depends on Spock, and he's stuck smack in between two Kirk's, and both of us need him desperately." Kirk knew that a year ago, Spock's death wouldn't have killed him physically, but it would have ripped his heart out, nonetheless. He closed his eyes, exhaustion closing in.

McCoy caught him mid-sway. "What I think is that you've been through an emotional nightmare and you're not thinking clearly. What you need is some rest."

Kirk agreed, but only because he didn't want to argue anymore and he'd promised to give Spock some time. It was the only thing keeping him from joining his bondmate and wrapping his arms around him. The bond was back in place, but it needed to be succored badly. Kirk allowed the doctor to ease him back on the bed. He curled up on his side and tried to ignore how empty the bed seemed.

Chapter 2