***NOTHING TO LEAVE BEHIND***

When Julian woke up the next morning his head felt like someone was pounding on it with a sledgehammer. The room spun and it hurt everywhere when he tried to move. But he had to move unless he wanted to take care of something very unpleasant and very soon. He staggered to his feet, clutching his head with his hands as he moved as fast as he could to the bathroom. He barely made it before his stomach turned inside out, violently.

"Damn," he cursed and pushed his hair away from his sweaty forehead. Now that he'd thrown up, his head seemed slightly clearer, but not much. Clear enough though to feel a nudging memory trying to resurface. Something important that he had to remember. Before he did something else, he had to get rid of that foul taste in his mouth, so he rose to his feet. He realized too late that he shouldn't have done that. The sudden movement forced him back on his knees in front of the toilet. He threw up again, tears rising in his eyes. Once done, he leaned his head against the edge of the toilet seat and swallowed hard. He pushed the button to get rid of the sour smell. The flush rang in his ears and caused the pounding in his head to increase. He needed to move to the replicator and get something for his hangover. As soon as the world stopped spinning ...

He stayed like that for several minutes, and as he sat there on the bathroom floor, he remembered what had happened last night. Not all of it, but short glimpses of the night before came back to him. Watching Garak, in the bar. What he'd been doing.

"Oh, God," Julian moaned and leaned his head in his hands. "Did I really do that?" A very strong feeling of shame settled in his stomach. That was so embarrassing. He was quite sure nobody had seen him, but what if someone had? He could have lost his job. He would have been humiliated...

Garak.

His thoughts were abruptly cut off when he remembered that Garak had actually been there. Garak had brought him back home and they had talked. Julian frowned. What had they talked about? Julian's heart leapt as he remembered what he had said to his Cardassian friend.

*We should both go to bed. You and I, Garak, together. I don't understand why we never did... It's what we both wanted, isn't it? ... I love you, you know ... I've missed you.*

Was there anything he *hadn't* revealed to Garak last night, he thought as he finally got to his feet, slowly and carefully. The room stopped spinning and he could finally move over to the replicator and administer medication to counteract his hangover.

About ten minutes later he had showered and dressed and felt more like the human being he was. He moved to the replicator and hesitated if he should actually get something to eat or if he should pass, but reason won out and he ordered yogurt and some fruit even though he really didn't feel like eating. He sat by the table, again feeling very lonely. It was weird. Before Garak left the station he never had trouble finding someone to share his breakfasts or lunches, but now ... since Garak left he really didn't want to eat breakfast with anyone else, and he felt more lonely than he had in years.

Looks like you messed up royally, Jules, he told himself as he ate the yogurt slowly. You bet everything on one card and lost. But then he frowned. What had Garak said to all those things? How had he reacted? Truly reacted inside - not what he'd shown on the surface. Julian knew Garak better than to take his words and his reactions at face value. With Garak you always had to read between the lines, and find the subtle nuances and try to interpret them the right way and not the way Garak wanted you to.

One memory floated to the surface. He'd been lying, sprawled on the bed watching Garak as he poured his innermost feelings out without subtext or finesse. He'd just blurted them out like a teenager in love for the first time. And what he remembered most clearly from that kanaar-induced haze was that he'd said:

"I love you, you know," and he'd been sober enough - what a joke - to watch Garak.

The Cardassian had looked as if he'd been physically struck. All through the evening, Garak's face had been so cold, distant and empty. But when Julian said those words it was as if the tailor's normally grayish face had turned ghastly white. Anger had suddenly flashed in the blue eyes before Garak had time to close them against Julian's scrutiny.

Why would those words make Garak angry?

Why, indeed?

Julian brought the remaining yogurt to the recycler and stopped in front of the replicator once more. Were there any other clues? Anything Garak said or did last night that could help him understand?

It was difficult.

If only he hadn't been so drunk.

Could it be that Garak was angry with him because he didn't believe him? He hadn't really shown the Cardassian a lot of love when the Dominion war ended. Could he be angry because it came too late? He had to go back to Cardassia and Garak probably assumed that Julian would never want to stay on Cardassia longer than necessary. Both of those ideas made sense.

Could Garak be angry because this was something he didn't want to hear or something he had never contemplated or wished for? But Julian shoved that thought away. That wouldn't have produced anger in Garak. Any number of other emotions would have been reasonable, such as indifference, amusement or pity, but not anger.

Julian cut his train of thought. There was only one way to find out and it wasn't by standing here in his quarters waiting for the answers to come to him. The only way he would ever know was by talking to Garak.

He rushed out of his quarters and practically ran all the way to Ops.

"Doctor, what are you doing here? Isn't this your day off?" Kira said as he barged in more or less unannounced. That was something he never would have dared do those first years on the station, but now he and Colonel Kira had reached an understanding, and they were friends.

He stopped inside the doors. "I'm sorry to show up unannounced like this, Colonel, but we need to talk."

She rose from the chair behind captain Sisko's desk and motioned him to sit down.

"I need to go," he said without preamble.

She turned from the window and watched him. Her eyes were tired and her face drawn. She'd lost so much to this war, not only friends and colleagues. In a way, her love for Odo was a casualty of this war as well.

"Go where?" she asked and a wrinkle appeared between her eyes.

He drew a deep breath, knowing she would not like this.

"To Cardassia."

"Cardassia? Why?"

"It's a personal matter," he said.

Kira sighed and flopped down on the chair, staring tiredly at him.

"I can see that you have made up your mind. May I ask how long you will be gone?"

"I don't know. I have to take a leave of absence."

"Is that really necessary?" she asked in a surprisingly soft voice.

He simply nodded.

"I'll have to clear this with Starfleet Headquarters, but I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to go."

"If they won't let me go, I will resign."

That shocked her, he could see that, but it didn't matter. This was more important than anything to him. Julian turned around and got back to his quarters to start packing.

Two hours later he received a communication from Kira.

"They approved your leave of absence, Julian," she said.

"Good."

"Good luck." She hesitated as if she wanted to say something more, but didn't know what. And he really didn't want to get into it with anyone. Especially not Colonel Kira. She would think he was mad. And maybe he was, but it was his life.

"Thank you. Bashir out."

He prepared himself swiftly, and packed only the necessary items. He knew it was of no use trying to find Garak on the station. He was probably half way back to Cardassia by now, and that's where Julian would have to go to find him.

Ezri would kill him if Julian ever came back. She would be really hurt that he hadn't stayed long enough to say goodbye. Who knew - maybe he would be back before she was anyway? But to tell the truth, he felt like there was really nothing keeping him on the station anymore, not even Ezri. Work was well and good, but if everything worked out the way he suspected, a doctor like himself would be welcomed with open arms on Cardassia. Plagues and famine were running rampant on both Cardassia Prime and its outer colonies. Starfleet was providing the world with all the medical supplies and food they could spare, but even the Federation was low on resources right now. The Dominion war had depleted almost all their reserves, but Julian didn't care. This was what he had to do.

It took a couple of days to scrape together what he would need. Currency might not be what he'd needed on the station, but working on the Federation border had taught him that it was always good to have some money. Now that came in handy. He had enough to buy one of Deep Space Nine's old runabouts. It had been taken out of commission several months ago, but O'Brien had worked on it, the way some people used to fix up other old things. The runabout might not be a match for a new shuttlecraft and it might not be able to reach Warp 8 or even 7 but it would bring him where he needed to go.

Julian packed the runabout with his few remaining possessions. He smiled as he placed Kukalaka at the helm's panel

"You'll get me to Cardassia safely, won't you?" he said and laughed.

Talking to an old teddy bear, he had to be going out of his mind, but nothing had ever felt so right before. He knew he had to do this, if only to be disappointed. If he didn't do it, he'd regret it for the rest of his life.

Kira and Quark were the only ones waving him off as he left. It felt sad. Nothing was the same on DS9 anymore anyway. He didn't feel like he had any reason to stay. Sisko was gone, and so were Ezri, Jake and Kasidy. Miles had gone back to earth, Jadzia was dead and Worf had returned to Qo'Nos. Not that they'd ever been the best of friends.

Julian sighed.

"Runabout Nile asking permission to leave from upper pylon one."

"Permission granted."

Julian didn't look back as he steered the runabout toward Cardassian space.

END