Mission Impossible
By kira-nerys

Disclaimer: Yah, some of these characters belong to Paramount. <sigh> Is there anyone out there who still doesn't know about it?

This little number was written to cheer Jen up on a rotten day in October 1999. She laughed, which was my intention.

TSU maybe? Spoilers for "Wisdom of Madmen"

"Don't just stand there, Garak! Hurry up!"

Julian stands by the entrance of their quarters, waiting for his mate. Garak is roaming around their livingroom, looking like he'd rather be anywhere else but there right now.

"I really do not have time for this, Julian!" he says pointedly. "My shop's been neglected long enough!"

"Hey, we owe it to her!" Julian replies defensively.

Garak turns around to look straight into his husband's eyes. "Owe it to her? I don't see that I owe this woman anything. She's a menace to society!"

"Menace? What are you talking about?"

"She's put us through hell and back on more than one occasion. Don't you remember that horrible tale "The Honeymoon's Over"? I've never been so humiliated in my life! I am not, I repeat - I am not that incapable of taking care of children!"

"Oh, come on, Garak. It was a satire. I'm glad we get to do anything but jump each other's bones from time to time."

Garak only grumbles and sits down on the couch. His life partner walks over to him and flops down beside him. Then Julian puts an arm around Garak and leans his chin against the Cardassian's shoulder.

"Garak, Jen is feeling a bit sad. Think of it. We can return some of the good times she has given us. She has cheered you up more than once. Remember when you were bored out of your skull because nothing fun had happened to you in such a long time?"

Garak grunts. It might be a sound of agreement and it might not.

"That's when she wrote "The Wisdom of Madmen". Admit you had a good time! Dukat even died in that one!"

Garak turns his head and looks at his companion.

"That was her? *Jen* wrote Wisdom of Madmen? I thought that was Sophie. You know it was kind of like her to put us through something like that."

"I believe it was Sophie who challenged her to write it, but the author was Jen."

"Oh, okay. All right. All right. I give."

Garak gets up from the sofa and walks toward the door. Julian doesn't move. He simply chuckles and lifts his eyebrow in appreciation.

"What are you waiting for, Doctor?"

"Nothing really. I'm just admiring the view. Those pants really fit nicely, you know. Are they new?"

Garak turns toward Kira-nerys who is sitting at her keyboard.

"Hey, you - we don't have time for something like this right now! Get your mind out of the gutter. We were supposed to cheer Jen up, remember?"

Kira-nerys stares at the screen with a disgruntled look on her face.
"I thought she'd like some hot monkey sex, that's all!"

"Not if she has to wait for us, she won't."

"Okay, okay," Kira-nerys says and ushers the boys out through the door.

"I can't believe you did that," Bashir says with annoyance in his voice.

"Did what?"

"Stop her. She was just about to write some really hot, smoking sex and you stopped her! It's been a while since she did that, you know."

"Yeah, she's been strangely occupied with Agent Mulder and AD Skinner of late, and that pointed eared Vulcan and his over-sexed captain. "

Garak stops in his tracks and turns toward the author again.

"Okay, what's up with you anyway?"

Kira-nerys ignores the boys.

"Move on, you were on your way to Jen's, remember?" Bashir says, pointedly. Still clearly not forgiving his lover for his stupidity.

"I have techniques to make you talk, lady!" Garak threatens.

"Now look what you've done, Garak. She's upset with us," Bashir whines, when Kira-nerys yet again refuses to respond.

"I'm not upset with you," Kira-nerys says curtly.

"Oh yes you are."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Children, stop it," Garak sighs. "I won't torture you. I promise I won't show up in your dreams at night with Neelix on my arm."

"Yuck," Bashir says with feeling. "Are you cheating on me with Neelix?"

"I'm not. It was merely an example of what I'm not going to do to her."

"Let's cut this out, boys. This isn't about me, it's about Jen."

"Right, Jen. Jen is our mission today. Cheering Jen up. Now I remember," Julian says and moves on toward Ops."

"I just hope that tinkering engineer managed to fix the temporal transporter. Last time we tried beaming backwards in time I almost became a Tyrannosaurus Rex' morning snack," Garak complains loudly.

"Miles is very good at what he does. It wasn't his fault that the supply company sent him a 345 coupling instead of a 543 coupling."

"He's an engineer. He should know those things."

Kira-nerys sighs and scratches her head. What's going on with these two today. They're just bickering.  Parodies and humor just ain't my thang, she surmises.

*  *  *

Ten stops and four heated arguments later, Garak and Bashir finally end up in Ops where the transporter pad is in its final modifying stages.

"Okay, are you guys ready?" O'Brien asks.

"Ready as we'll ever be. "

"Just make sure we don't end up in the Jurassic ages again, Chief O'Brien," Garak mutters.

O'Brien doesn't dignify Garak with an answer.

"Did you bring the...you know what?" Bashir asks.

"Oh, I assure you, Doctor, they are in good hands," Garak says and claps his chest where a clinking sound assures Bashir that Garak has indeed remembered.

The transporter's swirls claim them, and within moments Garak and Bashir materialize in a room overflowing with a*gels in different shapes, sizes and looks.

"Oh dear, O'Brien found a way of sending us to the afterlife," Garak exclaimes in disbelief. "I know he doesn't like me but to send you along for the.. "

"Shut up, Garak!" Bashir says. "There she is!"

Jen is sitting by her computer, sniffling. Her eyes are red and she looks like the weight of the world is on her shoulders. Bashir moves forward with trepidation. Rumors of Jen-san's temper has spread throughout the Federation.

"Jen?" he whispers softly.

"Go away!"

"Jen, it's me, Julian. We've come to cheer you up."

"Go away. You're just a figment of my imagination."

"Oh, my dear Jen. I assure you we are not. Kira-nerys sent us."

"She did?"

"Yes, she did. And we've brought something we thought you might like."

"What's that?" Jen's sniffling abates and a curious glint appears in her eyes.

Garak pulls out a couple of data crystals from a pocket in his tunic. Then he connects the crystal to Jen's computer.

"My these things are crude," he mutters, "But it'll work."

Ten seconds later the image of Sisko in a gold lamé thong appears before them on the screen.

"Hey, Garak, I don't want to see this one!" Bashir protests.

"But I do!" Jen states, very sternly, and Bashir sits down behind her on a chair and hides his head in his hands.

"Oh God, what did I do to deserve this?"

"Calm down, Doctor. You'll like the next one."

"And what's that?"

"Some very rare footage I obtained from the Obsidian Order."

"Which is?"

"Captain Kirk and the Gorn"

END