*** JULIAN BLUES ***

Julian sighed deeply and took another sip from his kanaar. Whatever possessed him to drink that vile stuff eluded him, but it was there, it was potent. It tasted foul but it made him relax and he really, really didn't want to talk to Quark any more tonight. That chattering Ferengi had already made his ears itch.

Thus the secluded table. At the second floor of Quark's at the far end of it, in the corner where darkness ruled and silence descended around him like a comfortable blanket. Yeah, he wanted to be alone all right. Didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't really want to see anyone. So he leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. He felt alone, but the only one he really wanted to spend time with didn't even exist. The one he wanted to spend time with was his soulmate. The perfect lover. Someone beautiful and intelligent, who understood him and knew all they needed to know about him. Julian was tired of starting over and over and over. Jadzia, Melora, Leeta, Serena and the latest in the batch - Ezri.

He had actually thought Ezri would be it, but no such luck. No, Ezri just conveniently turned out to be too - cheerful. Julian frowned. Yes, cheerful. Once he'd gotten that attraction out of his system there wasn't really much left to their relationship. What was amazing was the fact that they were still friends. Good friends, comfortable friends, and that took all the excitement away. They'd parted on good terms, and now he was sitting here. Alone - again.

Julian knew who he would have wanted to talk to right now - Garak. Julian's heart jumped in his chest. The last time he'd spoken to the tailor he thought it would be the last time he'd see Garak, ever. The feelings that jolted through him right now were surprising. Julian closed his eyes. Garak... Last time he'd seen the Cardassian he had looked tired, and lonely. Beat, but still so unbelievably attractive.

No wonder he had been depressed though, after the blow Cardassia had taken. Julian swallowed. Their good bye had been so brief, so unexpected, so much more painful than he had thought, and so ... not enough. He'd never really expected Garak to go back to Cardassia. He'd always believed that the tailor would stay on Deep Space Nine for the rest of his life. He should be happy for his friend. All Garak ever wanted was to return to his home world.

Julian sighed deeply and took another sip of the kanaar. It was spicy, a taste that kind of grew on you, he realized. Sort of like Garak... Just like the tailor, the kanaar was smooth on the surface, but had a surprising bite to it. The taste was intoxicating, addictive and sharp... and still, beneath that sharpness was an intricate flavor that permeated all his taste buds at once and it made him feel alive. Julian hadn't realized how much he'd missed Garak over the last few weeks. Not until now...

"Listen to me, getting all poetic over a bottle of kanaar. I must be getting drunk," Julian muttered to himself.

It had been tough enough to deal with the fact that O'Brien had left, Odo had gone and Sisko was dead, or with the prophets. Julian scowled. The station had changed so much, but the realization that he'd missed Garak most of all had come as a bit of a surprise. He hadn't even admitted to himself how much he'd actually come to enjoy the company of Elim Garak. Julian gulped down the last of the kanaar and was surprised to find that Quark wasn't there immediately to demand that he buy something more or leave.

He looked around; the upper level of Quark's was totally empty, save for himself. The bar was filled with people demanding Quark's attention though and Julian sighed contentedly. Maybe, just maybe he would be left there to himself for a while. Left alone to think. He closed his eyes and tried to enjoy the solitude. It was the first time since the ending of the war that he could actually say that he was alone and able to reflect upon what had happened lately. He wanted to be alone, but by god, he felt so lonely!

Was he suffering from a mild depression, now that he had time to think about all that had happened? Miles was gone and he missed their work on the Alamo. The huge model stood in his quarters as a constant reminder of the friendship he'd lost. He even missed the company of Mile's wife and kids. Molly had sort of taken him to heart, and always came running to 'Uncle Julian' to get him to read something for her and Kirayoshi. Ezri wasn't on the station. She'd left for Bajor last night and wouldn't be back for at least another week. She had brought Jake and Kasidy, and they were both trying to get the young man out of the rut he'd been in ever since Captain Sisko had gone to the Prophets. Julian groaned. One of the Academy's most preferred idioms was that "weird is part of the job", but this was getting to be too much.

He leaned forward, looking down into the empty glass of kanaar, suddenly wishing he had more of it. He rose from the chair and went downstairs. Nobody even looked at him as he made his way towards the bar.

"Quark, give me a bottle of this stuff, will you?" he said and held up the empty kanaar glass, not entirely sure why he didn't choose to drink that whiskey he knew Quark was hiding. There was still the bottle he and Miles had been sharing that night when they were waiting for Sloan.

Yeah, he knew why he didn't want to drink that, because he didn't want to be reminded of Miles, he wanted to remember Garak, he wanted to feel close to Garak and the kanaar made that possible. Quark simply nodded, gave him a puzzled look and handed the oddly shaped bottle to him. "There you go, Doctor. Be careful with that stuff, it's really potent."

"I know.... " he mumbled. "It's potent, just like a certain Cardassian of my acquaintance."

"What was that?" Quark asked, but Julian just waved dismissively with his hand and walked, fairly steadily, back to the seat he left. It was still empty on the upper level and he felt entirely satisfied with that fact.

"Cheers, Garak," he said and lifted his glass. "Look at me, isn't this pathetic? You never could get me to like this stuff when you were here, and now, I drink it just to be reminded of you..."

And why was that exactly, he pondered. Why did he miss Garak so painfully right now? Yes, painfully. When they had gone their separate ways he'd felt numb; both from the shock of knowing that the better part of the population on Cardassia was dead, but also from the realization that Garak would no longer be a resident on DS9. That moment on Cardassia, having just lost Damar, he had finally understood that Garak would no longer be a part of his life. And it hurt.

He swallowed a fair amount of the kanaar and felt its potency spread warmth through his body. Oh, yes, Julian thought. I wish you were here now, Garak. Finally we could share this bottle, and I would actually enjoy it. He laughed dryly.

"It doesn't taste so bad now."

Julian felt lightheaded and positively frivolous. He wanted to rise from his chair and tell the world that he missed his friend. He wanted to let everyone on the entire station know how much he missed Garak. Garak - the tailor, the spy, the assassin, the interrogator, the Obsidian Order agent, the protege of the most dangerous man on Cardassia, the son of Tain, the exile - and ultimately - the best, and most intriguing friend he'd ever had.

"I was never bored around you, Garak," he muttered. "I never felt alone when you were here. For some reason you made the loneliness and the awkwardness I've always felt around others go away... No, not at first, of course."

Julian laughed at the memory of the utter fool he'd made of himself that first day. He buried his head in his hands and laughed again. "Oh, Garak, if you only knew... " He could see himself burst into Ops with the eagerness of an overzealous puppy dog, proclaiming that the Cardassian spy had made contact with *him*. Now... now Garak was gone, back to Cardassia where he belonged. A Cardassia he didn't know, mind you, but still Cardassia. His home world.

"I wish you all the best Garak, but by God, I miss you terribly!" Speaking the words aloud made him feel somewhat better, as if acknowledging the loss made it less painful. And he rose to his feet.

"This will do you no good, Julian, my lad!" he muttered. "It's time you found yourself some companionship for the night. That's a lot better than drinking yourself into oblivion."

Unfortunately, he had downed such an extensive amount of kanaar that he couldn't really handle himself as well as he wished he could, so he slumped back onto the seat, and laughed again.

"Jesus, Julian," he giggled. "It seems you've had a wee bit too much to drink." This seemed awfully funny all of the sudden.

He kept laughing until his laughter cut off abruptly. Was he so stinking drunk that he was hallucinating? An image of the Cardassian he longed so much for appeared before his eyes. Down by the bar, the shape of Garak's back. It was all so familiar; the raven black hair, the scaly neck ridges, the tastefully tailored, earth-colored clothing, the sturdy form. Everything was Garak.

"Well, Garak is not here, you fool," Julian told himself and leaned back in his chair. But the image of the Cardassian was so vivid, so real that it tore at his heart. And the image made the blood surge faster in his body.

"Damn, I'm hallucinating and getting horny..." Julian giggled to himself. "Dad, you'd love this wouldn't you?" he said sarcastically and waved with his hand in the air. "Your son! Stinking drunk, plastered even, sitting in a secluded corner of a bar, spilling tears in his drink and getting horny over a man, and not just any man either, but a Cardassian male!"

Julian shifted in the chair and looked around. He was still completely alone, and there was the image of Garak. The Cardassian turned with a glass in hand and moved to the side, just in the line of sight for Julian. Julian narrowed his eyes and studied Garak. He was beautiful. He had lost a little bit of weight, but it suited him. It somehow made him look younger and only more desirable.

"What was in that kanaar? I wouldn't put it past Quark to put some stuff in it if he thought I'd buy some more because of it... Maybe he's hoping I'll pick up one of his Dabo girls for the night, hm?" Julian continued his musings, talking aloud to himself. "But somehow the Dabo Girls just lost their appeal, Quark. Look at him!" he told himself as he watched Garak. "Why didn't I do something about this while he was still on the station?"

Unconsciously, Julian licked his lips and watched as his hallucination leaned back in a chair, sipping from a large glass of Rokassa juice. Garak's eyes were wandering as if he was watching out for someone.

"Are you searching for me, Elim?" Julian said aloud knowing that nobody would hear him. Using the Cardassian's given name was amazingly satisfying. "Elim," he repeated, just because it felt so good. He was getting hard, and he was so drunk that it didn't even bother him that he slid his hand down between his legs, caressing the erection through the fabric of his pants. He let out a soft gasp and his eyes closed briefly, but they snapped open almost immediately, because he didn't want to deprive himself of the beautiful image of Garak, again sitting by a table at Quark's.

"It's been so long, Elim," he whispered. "I've missed you so much." The words were converted into a strangled moan as his erection grew harder. Oh, he couldn't believe what he was doing. He should rise from the table, walk down to the Dabo girls and invite one of them home to his bed. It seemed the inordinate amount of kanaar that he'd drunk had no adverse effects on his libido. And picking up a Dabo girl, he could relieve himself without risking an arrest for having sex in public. Another surge of heated blood shot down to his groin at that very thought. Sex in public... one of his long-time fantasies, although he'd have preferred for Garak to be there with him, participating, not simply as a figment of his imagination.

Julian opened the fly of his pants. His long fingers brushed over the briefs and pushed the fabric aside. Hidden by the shadows in the corner, and by the table where he was seated, he caressed himself. He was firm and warm, incredibly hard, and he moaned softly. His eyes were riveted at the image of Garak, still sitting at the bar, drinking Rokassa juice.

"Oh, Elim," he hissed to himself as his caresses became more determined. He moved his hand up and down his shaft, ran the pad of his thumb over the opening, and spread the slickness over the blunt head. Spikes of arousal shot through him. It was so good. By now he was so hard he knew he'd have to come or he'd never be able to get his pants on. He was beyond the point of no return. He moved his fingers lightly over the underside of his shaft, scratching lightly with his nails, moving over the flared head, again spreading the clear liquid over the tip, to make the movements flow more smoothly. He was imagining strong, gray hands playing over his sex eagerly, expertly, and he bucked involuntarily into his hand. How would it feel? Garak's hands would be warmer than his own, maybe slightly rougher, the fingers more blunt... A flash of Garak's fingers preparing him...

"God!" he sighed.

Long since hidden and forbidden images resurfaced. Dreams he had pushed so far back into his mind, he wasn't aware they existed, came back to him. He bit his lip not to let out a sound that would call attention to him.

"Oh, dear God," he breathed between gasps. "Oh, dear God," as the fantasies surged through his head. Dreams of Garak doing unthinkable things to him... doing things that would reduce him to a quivering mass of need and longing. He imagined the Cardassian going down on him, slipping those gray, warm lips around him, flicking the wet tongue that told so many lies over the tip of his cock. Julian groaned and sped up his movements. The tingling went from the flared head down through his entire cock, and concentrated in his balls. The pleasure was so intense it was almost painful, and then he came violently, whispering the Cardassian's name once more.

"Elim."

END