By kira-nerys
C/P, NC-17, Voy

Kathryn is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever laid my eyes on. She's strong, capable, attractive and committed. She needs a man who can love her the way she deserves. That man is not I.

After yet again failing to give her what she needs, she looks at me with confusion and pain in her eyes. She asks my forgiveness and I cringe. I should ask her forgiveness, because I am the one who is inadequate; I am the one who can't give her what she deserves.

I’m in love with another man.

I have tried to fight this part of me all my life, knowing what it would entail. I would become a pariah, hated and despised by my family and friends if I ever revealed the real me to them. Only over the last couple of years have I realized that nobody benefits from me not acknowledging my nature, least of all me. But it's difficult, fighting a lifetime of prejudice and morals, taught to me from my early childhood. In my culture, men do not love men, they don't desire other men and homosexuality is not accepted. It's taken me this long to admit the truth of it to myself and come to terms with this part of me.

I didn't know love could be this intense and I have no strength to fight it anymore. Being so close to him, for so long has weakened my defences, and I realized I couldn't go on lying to myself any longer. This morning, just a few minutes ago, I told Kathryn the truth, and the confusion and pain is growing in her eyes. Then an odd sense of relief seems to take over and she nods.

"It’s all right, Chakotay. I won't hold on to you against your wish. This is clearly not working out."

It's true. We have tried. I so desperately want to desire her. The love and respect for her is there, strong and unyielding, but there is no passion. I would give years of my life if only it would make me want her with the intensity she deserves, but I can't, and love isn't enough.

"Who is she?" she asks, and I flinch and turn my face away from her. What am I supposed to say? There’s nothing she can do to ease my pain, because even he doesn't know. I doubt he will ever find out. He and I have gone through so much and very little of it are good memories, even if the better ones are recent.

How can I tell him? How can I tell her?

"You need to talk to someone, Chakotay," she says softly, and I know she's right, but it hurts and it's so difficult. Revealing what's been in my heart and on my mind for such a long time to others, and baring myself to their judgment is unsettling.

"I know, Kathryn," I agree, my voice coarse and trembling.

I never felt so weak or so full of gratitude before. I lift my head and meet her eyes. She looks at me with such compassion and understanding that it’s almost painful. How can she let me go so easily? Did she ever really love me? But I know I am being unfair. She loves me, more than I deserve and she desires me, with a passion I wish I could return.

"If you want to talk to me, I will be here," she says firmly.

"I don't want to hurt you," I hear myself say. "I never meant to … "

"Shh," she says and puts her delicate fingers against my lips. "It’s all right. I believe I have seen it coming for a while. I'm prepared and all I want is for you to be happy, Chakotay. Never doubt that."

"It’s Tom," I reveal to her. The words are out almost before I know it. I see those eyes grow larger and she closes them for an instant.

"Tom Paris?"

"Is there another Tom on this ship?" I say wryly.

"I’m sorry, Chakotay, but I didn’t think that you even liked the man."

"Oh, I like him all right," I chuckle. "I’ve been fighting it ever since the first time I saw him in the Maquis. I fought it even more when I believed he had betrayed us. But even more so when I realized how wrong I’ve been about him all this time."

"You’ve been very convincing," she says softly and I am not so stupid as not to realize the underlying meaning of those words. What she really wants to say is that I will have a difficult time convincing Tom the true nature of my feelings for him.

I'm not even sure I'm going to try.

"Are you going to tell him?" she asks as if she could read the doubt in my eyes. Maybe she can. After all these years she knows me even better than I know myself. At least that's how it sometimes feels.

"I don’t know," I admit honestly. "Do you think that I should?" Her advice means a great deal to me, and showing weakness to her is quite easy.

"I can’t advise you, Chakotay. I don’t even know what Tom’s attitude towards male lovers is."

"I don’t know either, and it’s not like I have anyone I can ask."

"Of course there is. You can always ask Tom. Start out by trying to be his friend," she says. "Don’t rush headlong into anything." Her laughter is soft and quite happy. She knows me too well. "Don’t brood about it either, Chakotay," she adds. "Life is too short not to take some chances."

I feel better when I nod and rise from the chair. I leave her quarters, heading for my own. I have no duty shift today, and I'm grateful for that. I need time to think, to sort out my feelings and try to decide what I'm going to do with my life. It has changed, suddenly and dramatically.

I feel free, scared and confused.

I bang my fist into the wall and it hurts. I want her to be happy. She’s done everything for me; she’s the next best thing to a mother I could have. She’s been looking after me, giving me a second chance when nobody else would. Damn the man! Damn Chakotay for hurting her.

"Don’t do that, Tom," Harry says. "You’ll only hurt yourself, and you don’t know what's really going on. Maybe you should talk to her?"

I turn around and stare at my young, idealistic friend. He looks so sincere and so innocent.

"Yes, sure Har," I mock him and the hurt in his eyes makes me flinch, but I continue anyway. I’m such a bastard sometimes. I wonder why I do this to the people I care about? "I’ll just walk to her quarters and ring her doorbell and offer her a shoulder to cry on. That’d be really neat, right?"

Harry is silent and just looks at me. If he hadn’t been so young, so heartbreakingly young, so idealistic and so faithful to Libby I’d have thrown myself at him. But young Harry has probably never felt for a man anything that resembles lust or love, only friendship, kinship. I’m his buddy and nothing else. Besides, it isn’t really Harry that I want, not Harry that I need.

I’m massaging my knuckles; they’re almost numb. I wish they’d connected with Chakotay’s jaw instead. Smashing my fist into a wall isn’t nearly as satisfying. It simply hurts and doesn’t really take the edge off my anger either. I thought I’d gotten over this hatred, this hurt where Chakotay is concerned, but it's pretty fucking obvious to me now that I haven’t. It bothers me and I wonder why I'm so angry. I’m not sure I want to look too deeply. I’m quite sure the truth will hurt more than my bruised knuckles.

"Calm down, Tom," Harry says with that soft, accepting voice of his. The one he always uses when he’s afraid I’m going to go off on the deep end. He might have a point. I may have changed since I arrived on Voyager, but I still screw up on occasion and Harry knows it. He’s saved me from myself more times than I care to count.

"It’s okay," I murmur and move away from the wall. "It just makes me so angry. He’s been pining away for her for so long. Why does he leave her now, after such a short time? Why does he hurt her like that? Couldn’t you see the way she was looking at him today?"

"She loves him, Tom," Harry says softly. "But perhaps that isn’t enough?"

"If I had her love, it’d be enough," I say to my own surprise, but I realize that isn’t true at the very moment the words leave my lips. I don’t want her love. Not like that. I want her respect and I want her to be proud of me, but I don’t want that kind of relationship with her.

"You don’t mean that, Tom," Harry protests.

"No," I sigh, "I don’t."

It bothers me a bit, the way he says that. It’s as if he’s seen through me at last; as if he finally knows what makes Tom Paris tick. It’s not screwing around with all the women on Voyager; it isn’t even screwing around with all the women in the galaxy. There's only one person I truly want, and he's not a woman, but I don’t even want to go there.

I don’t want to admit to myself how much I want him. I don’t want to admit to myself that I would give anything to be with Chakotay. I can’t really say when the truth hit me. Maybe it was the first time I saw him. Slim, but powerful with the most intense brown eyes I’d ever seen. I can still see him the way he looked that first time when I joined the Maquis. Dressed all in earthy colors, a pair of snug pants, clinging tightly to his legs, a tunic showed off his shoulders and his chest. Back then it was lust, and I think that was all it was too, but since then I've gotten to know him.

Even that first time, the air crackled between us. I’d never met a man who hated me so quickly and so instinctively as Chakotay did. The Maquis needed me, if they hadn't he'd have thrown me out on my ass so fast I wouldn't have known what hit me. He couldn't see anything positive in anything I did. That only made me act worse. I got drunk only to make him angry, because anger seemed to be the only emotion I was able to provoke in him. He never looked at me unless he was angry, and when he did look at me, I could see something more, but he never acted on it, ever.

Chakotay is a complex man, and I still, to this very day, can't figure him out. He can be hard and unyielding, unfailingly masculine and yet … the signs were there. They still are, for anyone who knows how to read them. It's confusing, because I've never seen him with a man.

"Tom," Harry says. I’m sitting on the couch, beside him, my head buried in my hands and I’m breathing heavily as if I’ve been running, but all that I’m doing is trying to fight back the memories and the hurt.

"Yeah," I say and manage to get some measure of control over my body. "I’m fine," I continue because I’m sure that is what he’s going to ask, but again he surprises me. Harry, my friend, is not as predictable as you might think.

"You can talk to me, Tom." He silences for a second and then he continues as if deciding that he’s not going to let this drop. Not this time. "I know."

I snap my head up and look at him. His eyes are staring seriously at me.

"You know what?" I ask, fear suffusing my voice. I know almost immediately that Harry is going to throw the truth in my face. How does he know? How does he know when I barely even admit the truth to myself?  I really don’t want it to be this way.

"I know … how you feel about Commander Chakotay."

I swallow deeply; knowing there is no use in trying to deny it. The knowledge is there in Harry’s eyes as inevitable as an ion storm surrounding the ship.

"How … How did you find out?" I ask.

He’s silent for a long while, and I’m almost certain he’s not going to answer, but then he opens his mouth.

"It took a while. You’re very good at hiding your feelings behind that cocky facade. I didn’t realize it until recently. When he and Janeway were stuck on that planet I became sure. I saw the way you looked at him when they finally came back. I’ve always wondered why you’ve been flitting from one woman to another, never settling with anyone. Not even B’Elanna, and you love and respect her more than any other woman on this ship, save perhaps for captain Janeway."

I've never even seen him look at another man - ever, and it's like he's decided to not let me really close. He might not hate my guts the way he used to and he might even consider me a friend. We do socialize from time to time and I love those quiet nights at Sandrine's. We've been talking sometimes, drinking a beer or two after dutyshift, while Harry and B'Elanna have been working late in Engineering. I love listening to his voice, when he tells me about his homeworld. It's pretty obvious he still misses it.

I kick off the covers. Suddenly my quarters feel too hot; the way they always used to do, back home during the summer. As if the sun had been shining through the window all day, leaving stale, humid air with too little oxygen to really satisfy my body's need for air.

Kicking off the covers isn't enough and I can't shove the thoughts of Tom Paris out of my head. It's been seven years since I saw him that first time. He stepped into my ship wearing a pair of tight blue jeans that clung to him like a second skin, and a shirt open to his waist. One look at that beautiful man and I was lost and I hated it. I hated him for forcing me to acknowledge that part of me that I had kept hidden throughout my entire life. He forced me to accept that I desired him. I didn't like him then. I just wanted to fuck him, and I didn't like him when he first came on to Voyager either.

I thought I knew what kind of person he was, but over the last few years he's proven time and time again that he does care, that he is loyal to his friends and those he cares about. He's proven what a masterful pilot he is. God, without Tom we'd all be floating around in miniscule bits all over the Delta Quadrant. I admire those traits in him.

I don't know when the desire turned into something more. Maybe the time when he first saved my life? I'll never forget hanging on to his hand, feeling the cave crumbling around us. The pain in my leg was so severe I thought I wouldn't be able to hold onto him, but he just wouldn't let go. I'll never forget the look of desperation in his blue eyes as he clung to my hand, pulling me up without a care for his own safety. He saved me then, and he's saved me since.

I thought we'd crossed a bridge then and I remember feeling so hurt and angry when he started acting strange, and I thought he'd turned on us. I thought he'd betrayed us to the Kazon. I cringe when I remember how quick I was to believe that he'd let us down. Instead, he was performing his duties, sacrificing his own safety in order to save us. He could have gotten killed.

He nearly did, and I can still feel the dread as I waited for his response when the shuttle was hit. I remember the silence on the bridge when we all thought he was gone, and then he spoke. I don't even remember what he said. I just remember that I almost felt sick with relief.

It took a long time before I admitted to myself that I really wanted Tom, and it took even longer before I admitted that I cared more for him than the rest of the crew.

This is ridiculous. I can't sleep. Why am I lying here? It's too warm, so I decide to go to the holodeck to find something that will help me to unwind. Maybe I'll run my boxing program?

Yeah, that sounds good.

I dress quickly, pulling on a pair of drawstring jogging pants and a T-shirt and I'm out of my quarters within a few minutes.

Holodeck 2 is empty.

"Computer, run holodeck program Chakotay 5."

The holodeck runs my simulation of a boxing ring. The room is dim and the only sound that can be heard are the trainees heavy breathing and their fists connecting with their competitors. My adversary is a large, black human male and I dance around him avoiding his jabs easily. I do this for a while, managing to hit him squarely in the chest several times, but he retaliates with force. I try to concentrate on him instead of my thoughts, but only minutes later I find myself lying face up on the floor. I close my eyes and let out a heavy sigh. I'm not up for this.

"Computer, change program to Chakotay 47."

It is a forest from Earth, Northern Hemisphere, from a region once known as Scandinavia. It's beautiful, much more peaceful than the boxing program that I usually activate when I need to get rid of anger. The thing is that I'm not angry right now, I feel agitated and restless. The boxing only increased those feelings, so I look around, hoping that running through the forest is better.

Large oak trees and beeches create a lush roof overhead. A friend of mine who came from Norway once gave this program to me. He's dead now, but the peace of it still calms me. As I run, I feel last year's fallen leaves under my bare feet. Birds are chirping and I run along a path that's close to the lake's shore. I feel the tension finally drain out of me and I keep running, running and running, until I no longer have the stamina to keep going. I feel tired, but the thoughts whirling through my head are the same, and I have reached no conclusion, or even peace of mind.

How would Tom react to my revelation if I decide to tell him the truth? Heaven only knows he has no reason to believe me. I've tried to treat him better over the last few years. Mostly because I known for a while now that Tom Paris isn't at all the good-looking jerk I thought he was. Cocky flyboy hot-shot? Sure. Smart-ass? Absolutely, but not an uncaring ass-hole. I've seen the hurt in his eyes when he thinks I'm not watching. Why does he care? Perhaps it should be enough for me to know that he does?

I rise form the ground where I have been sitting the last few minutes, leaning my head against a broad tree-trunk, trying to regain my breath and letting my body relax after the long run. I must have run at least ten miles. It's nearly time for my duty-shift. I've got just enough time for a quick shower and a cup of coffee before I'm supposed to be on the bridge.

As the doors to the holodeck slide apart, the blue eyes that haunt me day and night meet me. But unlike in my fantasies, where they look at me with care, they are angry and disappointed. I flinch.

"Lt. Paris," I say curtly.

"Sir," he replies.

His voice is curt and very cold as he walks past me into the holodeck. He's just gotten off-duty, pulling an all-nighter in Sickbay. I know, because I'm the one who assigned him to it. I wanted him off the bridge for a while, and the Holodoc's need for assistance was a chance I couldn't pass up.

"Commander," Tom says. His voice is a little less curt, but his eyes are still cold. "I need to talk to you. Do you have a minute?"

"Sure," I say as casually as I am capable of.

He doesn't know, but being here with him is difficult. Seven years of pent up longing is catching up on me. I return inside the holodeck, the forest program still running since I never got the chance to end it. The sun is setting and the bright rays are playing in his hair, making it shine like gold. His skin is slightly tanned, and his features are perfect and beautiful. I have to tear my eyes away from him. Having consciously admitted to the attraction, I realize that it's even more difficult to fight it.

He looks at me questioningly.

"Yes," I say. "What do you need to talk to me about?"

Suddenly he seems embarrassed and he walks away and turns his back to me. I allow myself to watch him without hesitation. He's still dressed in his uniform, but even so, he is handsome. The fabric clings to his legs and buttocks and I ache to touch him. I swallow hard as I wait for what he has to say.

"It really is none of my business," he says, indicating with the harshness in his tone, that he, despite his words, feels that it is his business after all. I tense, feeling the agitation build inside me. This isn't going to be pleasant; I know it already. Then he turns around to look at me. "How could you do it, Chakotay?"

"Do what?"

"How could you leave her like that? How could you hurt the captain by dropping her as if she meant nothing to you?"

The anger rises like a tidal wave inside me. This is not his business; he is right about that. He knows nothing, and the accusation is so damned obvious in his blue eyes. It hurts and it makes me so pissed off. I am angriy at the fact that he's upset that Kathryn and I are no longer together. I'm not half as angry that he's poking around in things that doesn't concern him. I was hoping he'd be happy to hear about it. I wanted him to be glad that I was free again, free to pursue others. I don't want to hear that he's not, because it means that there is no hope. No hope even before I made the first move. Still, this is a good an opening as any and I steel myself.

"Why?" he repeats angrily and pins me with his gaze. Those eyes are so expressive and they are filled with hurt as if by leaving Janeway, I hurt him too. This makes me decide. He deserves to know the truth.

"Because I love her," I whisper, and then I turn around to leave.

Shit, those words make me furious. They make no sense! Rage fills me and I no longer feel that the threat of being charged with insubordination is enough to stop me from doing what I'm about to do. I grab Chakotay's shoulder and pull him back into the holodeck. The doors shut behind him, but I barely register the noise they make.

"What's that supposed to mean, Chakotay?" I hiss, my voice barely recognizable even to myself. He's staring straight at me and I see fear in his eyes. It stops me for a fraction of a second, but then I push him up against the wall. His body slams against the bulkhead, but strangely, he doesn't resist me. He might be shorter than I, but I'm no stronger than he is. "What kind of sick little game are you playing?" I ask.

"It's no game, Paris. Now, I suggest you let me go." His voice is calm and his face is closed to me, as if he's shut down and refuses to even let me glimpse any of his feelings, but then he stares at me with contempt in his eyes. I'm surprised at how much it still hurts. He hasn't looked at me like that for a very long time.

"Fuck you, Chakotay!" I say and push at him again. "Don't look at me like that!" I hate the fact that my voice is trembling. That gaze is so cold. People tell me that brown is a warm color, but I tell you, those people have never seen the Chief's eyes when he gets angry or really dislikes someone. I shiver underneath that gaze, but it doesn't stop me from doing what I feel that I have to do.

"If you love her, then why are you hurting her like this?" I persist.

"Fuck you, Paris!" he spits right back in my face.

"If you care about her, why is she in so much pain? Huh? Tell me, Chakotay, or I swear I'll kick your ass into next week!"

He looks away all of the sudden. A shadow of something, guilt maybe, passes over his face. Then he relaxes against the wall. I feel my hands, digging into his black T-shirt, loosening their grip.

"Because I can't give her what she needs or what she wants. I can't give her what she deserves," he says, stunning me into silence. Chakotay, feeling inadequate?

I stare at him for several moments and it's like some kind of current travels between us and his eyes darken. His mouth opens to draw a gasp of air, but I shrug it off. It's not what I think it is. It can't be, because Chakotay doesn't want me; he doesn't even *like* me, for Pete's sake. My need for him is playing tricks on me.

"You're such a sack of shit, Chakotay! Just because you feel inadequate and insecure, you leave her like that, hurt her like that. Fuck you. You're so full of it!"

I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm so fucking angry and I'm scared, too, of the look in his eyes.

I hurt and the world has always been so full of pain. Ever since I was born it's been like that. I was never good enough, never what people expected of me, and then Janeway came along. She trusted me enough to give me a second chance and I would give my life for her. In my own way I love her too.

Not like I love him, though. Damn, it's funny. What is it with me? Why do I feel this way for Chakotay when he's so clearly not interested? It's like I enjoy hurting myself. It hurt when Janeway and Chakotay got together. Maybe because I knew it was over then. I'd seen the way they looked at each other. It was a relief, too, because then I knew he was completely out of my reach and I thought I'd be able to move on. Now, he's screwed that up too. Now it hurts because I find myself hoping again. It will never happen. He'll never love me and want me the way I love him and want him.

I smash him into the wall again. There's not much force behind it, because the anger is giving way to other feelings. Doubt, fear and arousal. He's so close. I haven't been this close to Chakotay in a very long time. I can't think like this. He'll kill me if he ever finds out, so I try to fight it. Our eyes lock and the contempt in his face is gone. It's a relief and suddenly there's no strength behind my grip on him at all, because he isn't resisting either. He's just standing there, looking at me. I see his eyes and I begin to hope.

"What's wrong with you, Paris?" he asks tiredly." Since when did you become Captain Janeway's knight in shining armor?" There's an edge to his voice and I wonder about it. He sounds almost jealous. Does he think I'm going to steal her away from him? Oh god, if it only were that simple...

Or is he jealous of her?

"She owns me, Chakotay, just like I own you. Just like I saved your life, she saved mine," I say. It's the truth..

Suddenly, he pushes me away with unexpected fierceness. He turns me around and slams me back to the wall. Without warning, the roles are reversed. It shocks me, but exhilaration runs through my veins because now all the coldness in his eyes is gone. It's as if my words make him angry again. It puzzles me.

"You don't belong to Kathryn, Tom," he spits out. I gasp when he says my name. He almost never does that. I have to close my eyes. It feels too good; good and painful at the same time. I almost don't hear what he says next.

"She doesn't own you." His vehemence is almost frightening. Almost.

"You want to know why I've left her, Tom? Do you really?" His voice rises from a low growl to an angry level and he slams me to the wall again to emphasize his words. I'm not frightened. I just look into his eyes and a see a fire there; a fire I've never known, and it consumes me. I feel the length of him pressed against me, and I can't stop a moan, it creeps past my lips. Then the fear comes. Not of what he's going to do to me, but what he's going to say when he realizes... I've grown so hard and my erection is pressing urgently against his hip. I feel excitement and a debilitating shame at the same time.

But his reaction is not what I expect. He leans forward, pressing even closer to me, pinning my arms above my head to the wall, and he ravishes me. The full lips come down on mine violently, as if he can't get enough. Ever. I moan into his mouth and arch against him. I want to touch him, I want to run my hands through his salt and pepper hair, but he won't let me. He's got me pinned down. Maybe he thinks I want to fight him? Instead, the flames from the passion lick my body, setting me on fire like I've never been on fire before. I feel dizzy, as if all blood has left my head and gone to my aching cock. I'm as hard as I can get within seconds and as he presses closer to me I realize that he is too. Finally, he lets go of my arms. I sigh in relief. I am free to grab him and kiss him back. I want him so much.

But all of the sudden he is gone, out trough the holodeck door. He leaves me dazed with lips swollen from those anything but gentle kisses and he leaves me rock hard and aching for him. I don't have the presence of mind to call him back.

I barely understand what happened here. Moaning, I slide to the floor and bury my face in my hands.

I can't believe I did that. Oh, spirits! I can't believe I revealed to him how much I want him. What will he think of me now? I practically forced myself on him back there!

I am so hard it hurts. Feeling that long, slender body pressed against mine for real was driving me insane. I want to kiss him again. I want to feel the heat of his mouth against mine, the taste of his tongue in my mouth. How foolish of me!

He's in love with *her* and I throw myself at him! How ironic. Here I am, leaving her because I'm not good enough for her, because I don't want her like I want him. Maybe he can give her what I can't?

That thought hurts like hell. What a mess, What a terrible mess!

I move through the corridors, hoping not to meet anyone. I'm in such turmoil, and I'm still aroused. I'm hurting and I'm feeling exhilarated at the same time. It's out now. He knows how I feel, and what I am, even if he'll never return my feelings. It frees me and the desire for him runs stronger. I can't go to the bridge like this. I slip through the doors to my quarters.

"Computer, engage privacy lock." I barely recognize my own voice. It's low, hoarse and shaky.

My hands move on their own volition down between my legs. The heavy weight there has not diminished during the walk back to my quarters. Quite the contrary. It's like the adrenaline rush of revealing my darkest secret fuels my arousal. I'm so excited and I'm trembling. I feel the tremor of my hands as I push down my pants. I moan aloud when I grip my own balls. They are taut, pressed closely to my body. I'm so close already and I haven't even touched myself.

The scent of him is still in my nostrils. He smells good, from soap and a faint aftershave even after a whole day on the bridge. The edges of his hips pressing against mine are still imprinted on my body. I can still  feel the sweet pressure of his lips and the taste of his mouth. In my imagination, it is Tom that's gripping my impossibly hard erection. I can almost feel his long-fingered hands, not short and blunt like my own, run over my cock and I bite my lip not to moan. In my imagination they move across my flesh with knowledgeable strokes and I can't stifle the moan any longer. It rips from me as I arch into those exquisite caresses. I imagine his blue eyes looking at me. They want me and they're not hiding it. It's the first time ever that I allow myself to fantasize about him deliberately and it's so much better than I'd ever believed it could be.

"Tom. Oh, yes, Tom, just like that."

I come so hard I think I black out for a second. Sticky semen is covering my hands and my stomach. It's pathetic. Tom isn't even with me and he's not going to be here. He might press charges for sexual harassment. If it weren't so tragic, I'd laugh. It sounds like one of those medieval dramas. She loves me, I love him and he loves her... .

I flinch when I feel the wetness on my cheeks. I hadn't even realized I was crying.

I am so damn confused. He's been avoiding me like the plague over the last couple of days. Today, finally, I'm going to grab him. I've been alternating between living on cloud nine and falling into the deepest despair over the last 24 hours. Yesterday morning, he attacked me in the holodeck, kissing me as if his life depended on it, and then he's been avoiding me.

Yesterday afternoon I cut myself quite deep so I needed Holodoc's attention. Chakotay was there with Ensign Wildman who got hurt yesterday. I don't know exactly what happened, but I think some insect bit her. Since the macro-virus incident, Holodoc is kind of paranoid about stuff like that. When I entered, I swear Chakotay must have beamed out of Sickbay, because one moment he was there and when I looked up next he wasn't. I never saw him in Sandrine's last night either, and this morning he was late for his shift. I'm sure it was because he didn't want to run into me accidentally in the turbolift or something.

Chakotay is *never* late. He bites my head off if I'm so much as a second late at the helm.

I've been trying to com Chakotay, but he never talks to me more than necessary. It's like the never kissed me, like what went on in the holodeck never happened. It's like I've never seen those eyes glaze over with a desire he couldn't control. He refuses to look me in the eye now. That's the only thing keeping me from believing I dreamed it all up. He is back to his polite and professional self. It's as if we've never even been drinking beer together at Sandrine's and that the budding friendship between us never was. I miss him, and after what happened I am hoping that maybe we can be more than friends.

Sure, Chakotay and I were never buddies, like Harry and I. I've never ripped Chakotay of his replicator rations out of sheer affection. I've never given him a friendly hug, but it doesn't mean I never wanted to.

I've wanted it too much.

It has made me act differently around him than say Harry and B'Elanna. The tension is there, and I've always thought it was because he really didn't consider me a friend. It made me feel insecure and that makes me act like a jerk sometimes. I don't like feeling insecure. I think my smart-ass comments rub him the wrong way too. I thought it was because he didn't like me all that much. Now I wonder. Maybe the teasing got to him, and maybe I was pushing his limits? I didn't think I could. There are so many things I admire about Chakotay, so many things about him that I wish I was. And part of what I admire most is that he's always so calm and collected, in a way I never could be. I want to get under his skin and annoy him, just to see something crack that surface. I realize now that irritation isn't at all what I've wanted to provoke all this time.

I shiver as I remember the passion behind his kisses and my resolve grows. I know that we need to talk. I don't know what to say though, and I sure as hell don't know where to go with it. My musings are interrupted by a conversation behind me. I turn the chair to watch them. I listen to his voice as he talks to Janeway.

"Commander," she says. There's no tension or anger between them. She looks like she's tired, that's all. A twinge of regret shoots through me, I need to talk to her too, before this goes any further.

"Yes, Captain," Chakotay replies rigidly. He's tense as a bowstring. He doesn't look at me, but it doesn't hurt as much as usual. I know he's upset about what happened, and I know it won't pass until we've talked. I can deal with that.

"Put together an away team. After the accident yesterday with Ensign Wildman I want those plants gathered as soon as possible so we can leave this system."

"Aye, Captain," Chakotay responds. I can hear the relief in his voice. He's not going to ask me to join that away team, that's for sure. He's just thrilled to get away from me for another couple of hours.

What's wrong with him? Why does he avoid me at all costs? Why doesn't he want to talk to me?

I walk along the path with Ayala, Tuvok, Ensign Kim and Neelix behind me. We're gathering as much of the fruits and vegetables as we can find. They're edible and definitely more appealing than Leola Root. I think this is the first planet we've been to in the Delta Quadrant where this root isn't showing up in abundance. Neelix seems distraught at this fact, but I'm pretty happy with it. Judging from the others' conversations, I'm not alone.

"Don't worry about it, Neelix. We all need some variation anyway."

"I know," says Neelix, pulling at his sideburns. "But Leola Root is very nutritious. These vegetables don't have nearly as many important vitamins and minerals as it does."

"Calm down. You've still got some left, don't you?" Harry teases.

"I do, don't worry Ensign. It'll last me another couple of months, but if this is any indication of what the rest of the trip will be light, we might never find any more Leola Root again."

I can't help chuckling to myself as I see the relieved expression on Ensign Kim's face. I wonder if Harry can help me? He and I have never exactly been friends. I think I make him feel uncomfortable. But I wonder if Tom told Harry what happened yesterday morning. Harry does look at me strangely from time to time, when he thinks I'm not paying attention.

This is driving me insane. I saw Tom watch Janeway all day with that concerned look on his face. Then he looked at me. I can't make out that look though. It seems like he's puzzled. What is there to be puzzled about? I jumped him, probably scared him shitless, but at least he hasn't pressed charges. I suppose that's a good sign. He wants to talk to me. I just don't want to see him. I don't want to talk about what happened between us. I don't think I can talk to him without throwing myself at him again.

He was joking around with Harry on the bridge today. Tom smiled, and his entire face lit up. I wish he'd smile like that at me. I used to wonder if they were lovers, and I admit that I was probably jealous, which made me act pretty stupid toward Harry. I've made myself an ass in front of him and Tom too many times. Tom makes me act like a jerk just by looking at me sometimes. I want him so much that just thinking about him makes me hard.

Damn it. He's concerned about the captain. He cares about her. I'd better not forget about that.

I try to force the thoughts of him out of my head, but it is virtually impossible. I feel obsessive. I've never reacted this way to anyone before him in my life, man or woman. It's never been like this with Tom either, not until I nearly raped him in the holodeck. Now it's like my entire body is waiting for me to finish what I started.

I can't do that. I have to remember that he doesn't want me. He wants Kathryn.

I repeat those words like a mantra in my head as I pick more fruits and vegetables. I try to enjoy being off the ship and in the sun for a while. I would have, too, if it hadn't been for Tom...

"I'm sorry to disturb you, Captain," I say as I enter her ready room.

"It's all right, Lieutenant. What can I do for you?" She smiles at me. The smile reaches her eyes, as always, but I can still tell that she is tired, as if she hasn't slept enough for several nights.

"It's... " I fidget where I stand and she motions me to sit down.

"Can I get you something, Lieutenant?" She rises from the sofa, turning her back to me.

"Yes, thank you, Captain. A cup of coffee wouldn't hurt," I don't drink much coffee. It makes me fidgety, but now I need something to stall for time and coffee is the first thing that comes to mind. She orders from the replicator and waits for me to go on.

"It's of a personal nature," I finally tell her.

"All right, Tom," she says, indicating that we've put away the titles for now, and she hands me the coffee. "There you go."

"Thanks," I say awkwardly. I've never before felt this uncomfortable in her presence. I put the mug on the table before me and rub my hands over my thighs. I'm pretty nervous. I don't want to hurt her, and yet I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I'm about to do. She goes back to the replicator and orders another cup of coffee for herself as if she needs time too.

"It's about Chakotay, isn't it?" she says softly and turns toward me, sipping cautiously from the steaming cup, holding it as if her hands are cold and she needs the warmth. She always cuts right to the heart of things. She is never one to procrastinate. I should have remembered that.

"Yes," I nod. "Something happened."

"Did he tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

She hesitates as if afraid to betray a confidence, but then evidently decides that I wouldn't have come here if I hadn't known quite a lot already.

"That we broke up. That it was because of you?"

It hurts hearing her say that, but it feels good too, knowing that she knows the reason and knowing that Chakotay was honest with her. It's selfish of me, because it won't hurt her as much when I tell her what I have to say. She might be surprised. I'm pretty sure I've hidden my feelings for Chakotay. After all, it took Harry some thinking before he figured it out, and he probably knows me better than anyone else on Voyager.

"Yes, he told me that. Not in so many words." I'm not about to tell her just how he revealed it to me. I rise and walk around the ready room running my fingers through my thinning hair in another nervous gesture. Damn, I'd forgotten how it felt to be this nervous. It doesn't happen very often to me anymore.

"Why are you here, Tom?" she asks softly. "Does it bother you, that he feels this way about you?"

"No," I stop pacing. "No! You've got it all wrong. I'm glad he feels that way. I've... " I stop myself. I'm not ready to bare my heart to this lady, no matter now much of a support she's been to me in the past. "I am worried about you, that's all. How do you feel about this?"

She rises, leaving the cup on the table and she puts her arms around her narrow frame. She looks so small suddenly, so lonely and yet so strong. The shorter hair makes her look younger and somehow more vulnerable. She looks out through the window at the stars. We pass them by at warp speed and they are like streaks of shining light. Her voice when she replies is strong and steady.

"I want the best for both of you, Tom. I love you in very different ways. You're the son I never had, and Chakotay... well, Chakotay, I could have loved him, but it wasn't meant to be, I guess."

"I don't want to hurt you," I admit softly.

She turns around then and looks at me. She walks over and puts a hand on my cheek and looks straight into my eyes. Her gesture warms me.

"You can't hurt me anymore, Tom. Chakotay has already taken care of that, and it wasn't his fault really. We can't help the way we feel, and he doesn't feel enough for me. He loves me, I know that, but he doesn't want me. Not like he wants you."

Those words hit me like a fist to my midsection and I have to pull away and close my eyes. My mouth goes dry.

"How do you feel about him, Tom?"

"God, I don't know," I say, but then I turn silent. She at least deserves to hear the truth. "I love him, Kathryn. I love him so much it hurts."

"How long?"

I laugh shakily.

"Since the first time I saw him, on the bridge of his Maquis ship, seven years ago, I've known he was special. I didn't fall in love with him until I came aboard Voyager though. I tried to fight it. I didn't even know he was attracted to men. He never once let on. I suspected, but my suspicions have been proven wrong many times before."

"I don't think he admitted that particular truth about himself until just recently. The culture of his people doesn't condone same-sex relationships, but we shouldn't be having this conversation," she sighs. "This is between you and Chakotay."

I nod and turn to leave. I can see that she needs to be alone, and she's more or less given me her blessing, which is, I realize, what I needed and hoped for.

"Tom," she says, as I'm about to leave

"Yes?"

"Take good care of him. Make him happy."

A glimmer of tears on her cheeks is the last thing I see as she turns toward the window again.

When I leave it's with a strange mixture of feelings inside. I hurt, a lot, for her. At the same time hope is mounting in my chest. I long and I desire.

Chakotay, get back here. We have to talk. I have a chance at happiness. I pray that I won't screw it up as I have before with so many other important things in my life.

As I get out of the shower, I contemplate not getting dressed again. It's good to be back on the ship, and it's so late now I think I'll just crash. I'm bone tired. Collecting those fruits and vegetables wasn't that bad. What drove me nuts was the looks from Harry. Damn, the kid looked like he wanted to smash my skull. Unfortunately, we never had a chance to talk.

*bree-bop!*

Damn!

"Who is it?"

"It's me, Tom"

A chill runs through my entire body at that. I can literally feel the hairs stand on end at the back of my neck. I'm not in any mood to talk to Tom right now. I just want to sleep. I don't have the...

"Chakotay, please let me in. We have to talk."

His voice is pleading, as if he really does need to talk to me. He doesn't sound angry or anything. I feel the blush creep up on my cheeks as I remember what I did the last time I was alone with Tom Paris.

"Tom," I hear myself say. "I'm not in the mood to talk right now."

"Chakotay. Let me in." Tom's voice changes. It's determined now and knowing him, he'll probably go get both B'Elanna and Harry to help him short-circuit the lock to my cabin or something if I don't let him in. I sigh and disengage the privacy lock.

"Enter."

He steps inside and stops dead in his tracks as he sees me standing there. The look on his face makes my heart leap in my chest. I don't believe my eyes. He's dressed in a pair of tight, black jeans and a shirt that's so red my eyes hurt. It brings out the gold in his hair and the blue in his eyes. His hair is slightly damp as if he just got out of the shower. He is gorgeous; he looks ready to seduce someone.

"Chief," he says softly. His eyes are bright with desire, and something warmer beneath it, as he watches me standing before him, almost naked. "Why did you run from me?"

And then it's all so clear to me. I remember suddenly how his tongue buried itself deep inside my mouth as I kissed him. I remember the deep flush on his cheeks as I pressed against him there in the holodeck. I remember the hardness that met my own as I pushed him up against the wall. He wanted me too. Did I so completely misunderstand what's been going on?

"I, Tom... What are you doing here?"

"I came to finish what you started yesterday morning in the holodeck," he says. His voice is deep and husky and he walks toward me. I start to tremble even before he touches me. I harden when I see the desire in his eyes.

"Chakotay," he whispers. "Damn you. Don't you know I've wanted you since the first time I saw you? Couldn't you tell?"

I shake my head numbly and wait to see what he's going to do next. He steps even closer and puts his hands on my waist. I gasp. The touch is electric, so incredibly wished for. He leans forwardt. I open my mouth to respond to his kiss and I'm lost. The brush of his lips against mine undoes me. I've wanted to kiss him again ever since that incident in the holodeck. I've wanted to wrap my arms around him to never let him go.

His hands move downward to the edge of the towel around my waist and I feel my legs tremble. I'm afraid that they'll give way. I grasp at his hand like a vice and stop him. I look into his eyes.

"Sssh, Chakotay," he whispers. "It's okay. I know this is new to you. You could have fooled me yesterday though... " He chuckles a little as he leans forward and our lips meet again, only this time it's soft, tender and still so incredibly arousing. I open my mouth yet again, allowing his tongue inside. I meet it eagerly with my own, quenching the fear that rears its head.

What are you doing, Chakotay? What are you getting yourself into? You've never done this before. What do men do together?

"I want to see you," he says huskily. "I've wanted to see you like this for so long."

Good god, Tom doesn't stop to let me take a breath. Gently he pushes me toward the bed and pulls the towel away. This time I let him and he makes me lie down on the covers.

"Chakotay," he says. "You're gorgeous."

I lean back on the bed and close my eyes. I'm nervous. I can feel my heart beating hard in my chest. I've never done anything like this before. My father would disown me if he knew what I was about to do. My mother would turn her back on me and my brothers would think I'd gone out of my mind. My whole clan would not want me anymore, but I don't care, because Tom does. Tom wants me, and I want him. I want to feel what no woman has ever been able to give me. This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. I've never been so aroused and Tom has barely touched me.

"Chief?"

I open my eyes.

"Look at me," he says, and pulls his shirt out of his pants and starts unbuttoning it. I can't tear my eyes away from his hands as they open them all and the shirt falls apart to reveal a hairy chest. So different from my own smooth skin. I ache to touch him, and maybe he realizes it, because he toes off his shoes, never letting his gaze drop from my face and the look in his eyes makes me gasp. It's passionate, possessive and tender. I watch as he crawls onto the bed. It dips under his weight and I can only keep watching as he moves over me and straddles my hips. I gasp as the rough fabric of his jeans brush against my cock. It's hard and he smiles.

"Chakotay. If only you knew how often I've wanted to see you like this."

"Tom," I whisper, the first word I've managed to utter in a long while. "Tom... " I repeat and reach out to touch his chest. It's warm under my hands and the hairs tickle my palms. It's a nice feeling that travels all the way through my body and I brush my fingertips over his nipples.

"Yeah, oh yes, Chief. You're doing good... so good." he leans his head back, exposing a pale throat and I find myself wanting to kiss him there, lick at the soft skin. It's moving fast, but I don't care. I've wanted this for too long.

"Tom," I whisper again. It seems to be the only word I can get over my lips so I allow my hands to speak for me. I move them from his nipples to his shoulders, pushing the fabric off and the red shirt pools over my legs behind him. It's soft and cool to the touch. Satiny. He reaches behind him and pulls it off my legs and drops it on the floor. As he does so I keep looking at him. He is slender, but muscular, and I am shocked to realize how much the mere sight of him arouses me.

"Beautiful," I whisper.

His eyes widen as if he can't believe his ears and I remember the harsh words and the insults I've thrown at this man throughout the years. It's unbelievable that he wants to share this with me, but I'm grateful. My hands on his shoulders tighten around the warm flesh and I pull him to me, impatiently. The need that caught me by such surprise in the holodeck is back and I press my lips to his in an eager kiss. He moans into my mouth and it inflames me. My hands slide from his shoulders down his back to the waistband of his jeans. I move my hands to the front and quickly open the button and the zipper. I can't wait to feel him against me. I can't wait to see that gorgeous, hard cock. It's hard for me. He wants me just like I want him and the thought is driving me insane.

"Tom," I moan impatiently. "Get these off."

He pulls back, his mouth is swollen from my kisses and his breathing is ragged. His hair is mussed and he looks totally... fuckable.

Fuckable.

Oh, shit.

I see his eyes darken and I wonder if he understands what I'm thinking.

He next words tell me he does.

"What do you want, Chakotay?" he says. "Tell me what you want and I'll do it."

"No," I whisper. "What do you want, Tom?"

He bites his lip.

"It's too soon. This is your first time. We don't have to rush things."

I close my eyes. He talks like he wants more, like this isn't just a onetime deal. What does he want from me? I don't have the guts to ask. I open my eyes again and look at him. He's sitting there, still straddling my hips with his hands at his pants, ready to push them down and take them off.

"I want you to get those off of you and then, Tom, I want you to fuck me.

He gasps and his eyes widen. He looks at me silently for some time before he answers.

"All right, if you're sure."

"I'm sure," I say, trying to prevent my voice from trembling.

He doesn't let go of my gaze, but he gets up from the bed and pulls his pants off. He's hard, so hard and his cock is long and thick enough. It's gorgeous, just like him. Then he turns around and pulls something from the pocket of his jeans.

Lubricant.

"Don't get me wrong here, Chakotay..." he says and looks a bit uncomfortable. "I didn't take this for granted, but I thought it was... "

"Tom, be quiet and get back here," I say, and pull him back to bed with me. The tube of lubricant falls to the bed as I draw him down for a kiss. His lips are warm, moist and eager against mine. It's incredible to finally be allowed to kiss those lips. I realize I've dreamt about it so many times. It's better than I ever thought. His eyes, half-open in arousal, are beautiful, grayish blue in the strong light.

"Computer, lower lights to 25 percent."

"Ah, always the romanticist," Tom teases, but the laughter in his eyes dies away almost instantly and he bends down to kiss me again.

Oh shit, he wants me to fuck him. I could come just by hearing him say that. I look at him where he's lying on the bed. He's gorgeous, flushed and horny like hell. But what gets to me even more than that is the look in his eyes. They're determined, scared and full of desire, and something I never thought I'd see in Chakotay's eyes. He looks at me with love. I close my eyes and kiss him again, I rest my body on his, loving the sensation of his thick cock pressing against mine. He's so hot, so hard and so slick. I want him. God, I want to fuck him but he's never done this before. What if I hurt him? I want him too much. I close my eyes and try not to shake as I pull back and grab the tube of lubricant.

"Are you sure about this, Chakotay? I'd love it if you fuck me just as much, or we don't have to do this. I could suck you off..."

He looks like he's about to shoot his load right away. He moans and puts an arm over his eyes.

"Tom, shut up. You could talk me to orgasm here, so please just be quiet."

I just groan at that and look at him. He smiles wryly, and lifts his arm away from his eyes, and there's satisfaction in the smile. I know he enjoys the realization that I'm just as ready to come as he is, just by listening to him. He's got a great voice. I'm sure he really could make me come just by talking to me. We'll have to try that sometime, but not now.

Not now.

I open the cap to the tube and throw it aside. Coating my cock takes only a second before it's slick enough. Then I lean forward and put my hand on his thigh.

"Relax," I whisper.

"Relax?" he says with a throaty chuckle and looks at me. "I'm about to fucking come, and you want me to relax." He groans and again throws his arm over his eyes.

"Don't do that."

"What?"

"I want to look at you."

He blushes but takes his arm away from his face and as my hand moves over to his opening, he bites his lip.

"Don't do that either..."

"What?"

"I want to hear you moan. I love it when you moan, Chakotay."

"Oh god," he grunts. "Our first time together and you're already making demands."

"Yeah, you just better get used to it."

Our eyes meet then and our gazes lock and hold. We both know how much those words mean.

I enter one finger. He gasps. I move it around and push in as much of the lubricant as I can. Then I enter the second finger, and he gasps, but it's not from pain. I can tell that much. He seems shocked, as if he'd never expected it to be so good. Wickedly, I move my fingers around, trying to find that special spot inside, then I scissor my fingers inside him and this time he bites his lip but lets go immediately and releases the moan. It spills over his lips and I gasp too. I want to be inside him now, so badly.

"Tom, come on. Don't do this to me. Fuck me."

"You're still too tight, I don't want this to hurt at all."

"I can take a little pain. This is so good, Tom. Come on."

I move my fingers around a little bit more and when he begs me once more I pull them out and position myself. Slowly, I press into him, the ring of muscle tight against the head of my cock and I shudder from the pleasure. I can't look at him anymore. It's too good, I have to control the entering or I'll hurt him.

"Fuck me, Tom," he begs again and I push once more. A groan of pain escapes him as I slide inside him, all the way to the hilt. My balls are resting against his ass cheeks and my cock is deeply buried inside him. He's tight, hot and so good.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay," I mumble. "I didn't want to hurt you."

"I'm okay. I'm okay. You feel good, Tom."

I stay like that for a moment as I lift my head to look at him. He looks like he's okay and when he wiggles a bit I start to move and soon the groans spilling over his lips tells me with every certainty that he's enjoying himself.

"God, Tom. That's good."

Then his hands are on my ass pulling me closer, urging me on.

I never even imagined it could feel so good being fucked. He's filling me, pushing inside me, brushing against that spot inside me with every stroke. I'm not going to be able to hold off for very long. Just being so close to him is making me so hot.

His ragged breathing is arousing, the way he lets out a little grunt each time he buries himself to the hilt inside me. The way the light plays over his furry chest, the only thing I don't like right now is that I can't pull him down to me, that I can't suck on his lips and his tongue. I want to touch him, and feel his skin against mine as he's pounding into me. Then his hand is around my cock and I let out a surprised groan. Oh, that feels so good, his hot, firm fingers moving over it. Oh god, the thumb brushing over the glans, the fingers fisting me. Oh shit, it's too much, the pleasure is building, gathering in my gut, and I know I'm going to come. It's been so long since anything felt so good.

"Tom... oh, Tom... Tom... "

And I let go, allowing myself to enjoy the intense pleasure that's washing over me as I come, hard. I feel the semen splattering over my chest as it pours out of me in violent jerks.

"So good, Tom," I pant.

"I know, I know..."

He keeps fucking me, the hard cock going fast. His face is flushed, his eyes closed and his mouth open. He changes position, leaning over me and I pull my legs up so he's almost lying on top of me and his eyes open,  begging me for a kiss. I lift my head to meat his lips and as they meet I can feel his moans in my own mouth as he's fucking me quickly now. I can feel that he's close.

He's coming, and it's the most erotic thing I've ever felt, His face is drawn tight with the pleasure, his eyes are screwed shut and his breathing so ragged it's coming in short, agonized pants.

"Oh God," he grunts. "So good ... Chakotay... So good... So tight, so hot... Oh, fuck!"

And I can feel his cock contracting inside me as he comes. Violently.

I lie back on the bed, closing my eyes as he relaxes ontop of me. I feel him slip out of me, and he's relaxing in my arms. He seems content to lie there, but I can tell that the mess in my bed is going to glue us together permanently if we don't move.

"Tom?"

"Yeah," he murmurs from where he's lying with his head on my chest.

"We're going to be permanently attached if we don't clean up."

"Oh, shit, Chakotay. Relax for a minute. I'm dying here. I think I blacked out for a sec. That was the damn best fuck I've had in my life and you can't stand snuggling for a minute or two?" He looks up at me with mock annoyance. I relax then. Maybe a few minutes will be okay. I put my arm on his back and caress him absentmindedly.

"Mmm," he purrs as he settles again. "That's good, that's much better."

He's right. It does feel good. Tom's in my bed and in my arms and somehow I know that everything's going to be fine.

"I love you, Tom," I whisper.

"Yeah, I know. You've had a funny way of showing it, but I know." He lifts his head and looks at me and then he smiles. "Do we have to talk?" he asks. "Or are we okay?"

"I think we're okay," I whisper. "What did you come here to talk about anyway?"

"I wanted to tell you that I spoke with Kathryn last night, but I got distracted."

"You talked to Kathryn..."

"Yeah."

"About?"

"You."

"What did you say?"

"That I love you too."

"Uh-huh?" I feel my chest tighten at that, and my arm around him tightens as well. God, I'm such a lucky man. "What did she have to say about that?"

"She gave me her blessing."

"Is she okay?"

"She will be."

We're both silent for a while, but then I look at him.

"That shower would be a good idea right about now."

"Yeah, okay. Let's go."

Together we walk over to the bathroom. My eyes are glued to his gorgeous ass. Next time, it's my turn...