Title: Darkness within and without
Close your eyes and take a look
at your life
Would you like what you see?
My eyes are open but I feel like I'm blind
It's all redundant to me
I want to know - does a frozen river flow?
Things we said - fill my head
Lying in a cold and empty bed
I'm only dreamin'- Between the darkness and the light
I'm only dreamin' - O, oh - dreamin'
Can't tell the daylight from the night- I'm only dreamin' - dreamin'
I feel the sunlight shining down on my face
Not a cloud in my mind
I get my wake up - but it never comes in time
My prayers are spoken and I wait to receive
'Cause there's a fine line between the truth
And how we want it to be
I'm sailing like a ship on the sea
I don't care if I'm lost in the haze
I hear the angels singing softly to me
Time's the enemy - that you never see
Won't you come and slip away?
"Dreamin' - [c] Kiss -"Psycho Circus" 1998"
Darkness Within and Without
[Personal Log - Colonel Kira Nerys stardate 52021.7
Captain Sisko has reluctantly allowed me to go on this personal quest. But only after I convinced him that I would be of no help on the station until I have gotten this out of my system. Until I have gotten *him* out of my system. It feels like he's been an aching wound in my soul my entire life. Eventually this wound has become infected and now it has to be cleansed.
Sisko persuaded me to bring at least one man with me - Lt. Brinn. He's a Bajoran too and a very strong guy, from Odo's security force.
As if that would help? If I can't take care of myself - no one can. That's one of the good things I got out of the Occupation - and the Prophets know they weren't many. I can't believe I haven't done this sooner. Why did I let him live? Because of Ziyal? Because of some misguided loyalty? Now look where it has gotten us! He betrayed us in the worst way possible. How could I ever have been so foolish as to let the Federation - to let *him* convince me that Cardassia and Bajor could ever become allies?]
* * *
Kira lifted her feet from the helm's panel and ended the log for the time being. Lt. Brinn sat beside her leaning his head toward the console. He was sleeping heavily, while they were getting further into the Badlands than Kira had ever been before. She knew this was a risky business. The Maquis had more or less been wiped from the area when the Dominion became Cardassian allies - but there could still be Cardassian and Jem'Hadar ships there…
[I knew that if he was hiding out somewhere - the Badlands would have to be it. Thus this was the first place where we went in our quest to find Dukat.]
Kira watched the scanners. She leaned over to shake Lt Brinn lightly and he woke up with a sheepish smile on his lips.
"Oh, sorry Colonel. I didn't mean to fall asleep."
"It's okay, Brinn. As a matter of fact I think you should go back and get some real sleep. We've been at this for 20 hours in a row. You need your sleep."
"What about you, Colonel?"
Kira avoided the meaning of the question deliberately and responded:
"I'll shout if I need your help" she smiled at him.
Brinn stood for a moment and watched her, but then he smiled back and left her alone. She sighed deeply and kept going with her log while she kept scanning the surroundings. Not that the scanners were of much use in these parts of the Badlands. She didn't know how she would be able to find Dukat, if he was indeed here.
* * *
[I more or less counted on Dukat to find *me*. And I wasn't exactly surprised when a Cardassian Galor Class starship decloaked almost dead ahead of us. I had no idea where Dukat had laid his hands on such a starship - with a cloaking device no less. But he obviously had. Perhaps the Cardassian government and the Dominion had made good use of the Klingon Bird of Prey I helped him secure a couple of years ago? That would be one of life's little ironies wouldn't it? *Me* helping Cardassia get cloaking technology…
As the Galor Class ship decloaked before us, I woke Brinn up again.]
* * *
"Ah Major Kira? It's always a pleasure to see you…" Dukat's all too friendly voice greeted her. Kira looked up into the eyes of the man she hated more than anything. She didn't even turn around as the Lt Brinn slid into his seat beside her.
"It's *Colonel* Kira to you, Dukat!" she said. Mostly to be able to buy some time. She had to keep Dukat busy until she could activate the computer program that Quark had provided her with before she left. She didn't really want to think about that part of this venture. She now owed Quark a *big* favor. And if Captain Sisko ever found out about this little - highly illegal - computer program of hers, she might as well resign from the Bajoran militia.
"Oh, yes. I forgot. You've been *promoted*" He made the word sound as if it
tasted badly. "I see the promotion brought on a new hairstyle as well. It suits you -
I think. " He frowned as he looked at her and Kira felt her temper flare. But he left
the subject and continued:
"So, may I ask you what is bringing you here? I can't believe you came all this way
just to see *me*." He paused for a brief moment. "But - since I am the only one
around here that you know… perhaps you did anyway? I am flattered Maj…
Colonel!"
"Oh, I had to come see an old enemy" she said casually. She tried to activate the computer program without rousing too much suspicion. She watched him to try and assess his state of mind, but nothing in his demeanor told her anything. With the memory of Jadzia's death fresh in her mind, she assumed he was still mad.
"And what might you want with this old enemy?" Dukat said and leaned forward to get closer to the viewscreen as if he wanted to reach through it and touch her. His eyes weren't red anymore. She wondered how he had managed to get rid of the spirit of Koost Amojin.
// Trust Dukat to get even a Pah-Wraith so annoyed it doesn't want to stay around for long! // Kira thought wryly.
"I wish I could say that I had come to kill you Dukat. But that is something the Federation wouldn't take very kindly upon. So I have come to capture you to get you to a Federation court." She smiled sweetly at him.
"Oh, we can't have that, can we?" he mocked her. "Making the Federation angry would be a bad move for Bajor, wouldn't it?" He leaned back in his chair and smiled condescendingly towards her and Kira felt her temper boiling again. She told herself to calm down and not let Dukat get to her. He knew so well how to press her buttons. She clenched her teeth and suppressed the anger.
"Oh, yes… then there's this small business of how you attempt to accomplish this task? I am really dying to know Colonel. As I see it, there isn't much you can do with that little shuttlecraft of yours against a Galor class starship… "
But this wasn't just any shuttle, something Dukat would soon find out. He would be surprised if he trusted his precious Galor Class starship to do all the work. She most definitely had some surprises for the Cardassian. With that thought, she activated the computer program. She watched as the readouts flashed across the bottom of her display console. Her fingers quickly went through the configuration set-ups on the transporters and the weapons array systems. It sneaked its way through the interference of the Badlands, just as it was designed to do.
Following the carrier waves of the transmission between her and Dukat, the computer-virus leaked into the machinery of the Galor class starship. It was quickly done. All the modifications needed had been prepared in advance.
Only moments later she got the indicator lamps on the panel showing that they were ready for transport… At that instant she typed a message to Brinn, and the young lieutenant nodded and went out of view from the screen. Then he prepared to welcome their *guest*.
Kira still wasn't sure she would be able to pinpoint Dukat and lock onto his pattern. The program she was using was still very experimental, and hadn't exactly been officially tested. She nervously licked her lips as she tried to lock on to Dukat. To her relief she managed to locate him, and she activated the transporter. Within a brief moment, he materialized on the shuttlecraft's transporter-padd.
Brinn hurried to the startled Cardassian and Dukat didn't have time to react. He hadn't realized where he was, let alone been able to do something about it, before Brinn had him shackled and tied securely. Dukat found himself sitting on a chair behind Colonel Kira Nerys on the Federation vessel. He opened his mouth to say something but a very black look from Kira made him shut his mouth again with a strange smile on his lips.
At this moment, Kira masterfully piloted the small shuttlecraft. They were moving like a bat out of hell. It didn't take long for the Cardassians to respond to the sudden hijacking of their Gul. However, with the lighter weaponry of the shuttle, Kira started firing first. She punched the runabout's controls, throwing the little ship into a low arc under the belly of the Galor. Rolling it, she fired her ventral phasers into it, watching with grim satisfaction as they tore through the shields and into the hull of the larger ship. A red gold blossom of fire marked her hit, but she knew that her guns would need to do a lot more than that to stop the Galor. Her shields wouldn't hold for more than 2 or 3 hits from its more powerful weaponry. Not even with O'Brien's modifications…
"Well, Kira, I must say I am impressed. I didn't think the Federation had it in them to be such inventive folks. But I take it Chief O'Brien has been *tinkering* again. I always found that man to be a bit of a nuisance."
He sat there, as if in the middle of an afternoon snack. He hardly flinched at the swift movements of the space-vessel. Kira looked back at him with fire in her eyes. She did *not* have time for his word-games at this moment.
"Welcome aboard, Dukat, and if you please - stop talking, or I will gag you!"
Kira turned back only a fraction of a second later, after making sure he got the message. Then - returning her attention to the viewscreen she could see that the Galor class starship had eventually managed to power up its weapons and Kira re-routed all available power to the runabout's shields.
This vessel was indeed a powerful little *toy*, she thought and she gritted her teeth with a strange mixture of tension and satisfaction. She smiled inwardly as the weapons of the Cardassian ship didn't even make a dent in the shields the first time around. But no matter how inventive and clever the chief was, this wouldn't last forever. Kira fired the phasers at the Galor Class ship. Its hull withheld the pressure too. But then the Cardassians fired again.
Kira threw the little ship through a variety of evasive maneuvers, trying to use its speed and agility as best she could, watching the gleaming golden streaks of Cardassian fire lance through space, where she'd been moments before. Her return fire aimed at the Galor's shield generators... she had to bring those down before the Cardassians had time to remodulate the shield frequency. Kira watched as, with a shudder, the Galor's shield generator blew. She allowed herself one brief moment of exultation - then lurched heavily across the controls as the latest Cardassian shot smashed into the rear of her ship. Lt. Brinn brought up the damage control readout.
"Shields down to 34%, and the starboard warp nacelle is showing power fluctuations I'll try and lock it down".
Kira could only nod as she fought to keep the small craft under her control and out of
the Cardassians sights.
"They won't hesitate to kill you, you know… not even with me here. They'd rather have us all die than let you get away with this." Dukat said with an infuriatingly calm matter-of-fact tone.
"Be quiet Dukat. I don't want to listen to your prophecies. I thought you had given up your career as Pah-Wraith!" Kira said between clenched teeth as the shuttle took a heavy blast from the Cardassian warship.
"That's it, one more hit and our shields are gone... and the nacelle is showing
definite signs of strain. I don't think we can safely go to warp" Brinn informed them
between clenched teeth.
"Oh, this is not a prophecy, my dear. I am merely stating the facts."
Kira shot a glance at Dukat from the corner of her eye. Watching him sit there, so calm made her feel uneasy. She wondered what was going on in that messed up mind of his. How could he stay so calm, knowing that this might be the moment of death for all of them? How could he remain so detached?
The ship spun heavily around, throwing Kira hard against the console. The sudden impact
brought tears of pain to her eyes as her chest and stomach felt like they been kicked by
Terran horse. Firing on instinct, she saw her shots pass through the Cardassians' shields
and
strike right into their forward proton torpedo launcher. At that moment the entire front
of the ship exploded in a roiling cloud of flames and debris.
She realized the Galor class starship must have been just about ready to launch a
torpedo, when her shot hit them. There was no other explanation to the impact the
runabout's light weapons had had on the Cardassian ship.
"Their last hit blew out our navigational thrusters. Life-support is
failing." Lt. Brinn stated.
"Scan for an M-class planet!" Kira ordered as she tried to get the shuttle's
last resources re-routed to their damaged systems. .
"There is a planet not far from here. If you let me I will show you where it is."
Dukat's calm voice broke into their struggle to keep the shuttle going.
"Why would I trust you?" Kira said and turned around to look at the Cardassian.
"Well, I prefer to live as well…" he said calmly.
Kira rose and helped untie Dukat. This was no time to be petty. They could all die unless they helped each other. He got over to the helm's panel and helped them navigate toward the M-class planet. If they would make it, it would be a close call…
"What kind of planet is this?" Kira asked.
"It is the planet where we had our base. It is quite beautiful - but deserted now. The only people who knew about it were just blown out of the sky by this *modified* shuttlecraft." he stated sarcastically.
"Are you going to be able to land this, Colonel?" Lt. Brinn asked. Kira could detect the fear in his voice even if he tried to hide it.
"I will do my best. Now both of you buckle up."
*** Part 2***
[Continued personal log Colonel Kira Nerys stardate 52021.7
That is the last thing I remember, before waking up inside the crash-landed shuttlecraft. Dukat was wounded badly. His head was covered with blood and Brinn… Brinn was dead. The panel where he had been sitting must have exploded. His entire body was covered with fourth degree plasma burns. I - I had survived the crash best of the three of us. I had dislocated my wrist, but other than that and a couple of bruises I seemed to be fine.]
* * *
"It seems the situation is grim…" Kira said aloud and the eerie sound of her voice in the shuttle made her shiver.
She forced herself to stand. Her first priority was to help Dukat and they had to get out of there. She felt slightly dizzy as she pulled herself up, but the uncomfortable feeling left her and she realized she had gotten up too fast.
* * *
[I looked around one more time, making sure that my first estimation of Dukat and Brinn was correct. Then I got to work. I quickly surmised that the runabout was far beyond repairing and all communications systems were damaged. There was no way for me to call for help.]
* * *
Her first reaction was anger. Why did Brinn have to die while Dukat was still alive? The Cardassian was breathing, but the wound in his head didn't look too good. For the first time in a long while, Kira didn't know what to do. It was an uncomfortable feeling, but even more uncomfortable was the memory of Dukat's last words before the accident.
"The only people who knew about it were just blown out of the sky by this *modified* shuttlecraft"
A sudden pang of utter loneliness hit her, but she instantly pushed it away. Looking out through the large hole in what used to be the side of the shuttlecraft, she realized the sky was dark, and heavy clouds were gathering as if it was going to rain. Shivers ran down her spine. It was colder than she would have liked.
* * *
Kira roamed around the shuttle to try and find a medkit. As much as she hated Dukat, she had to help him. If she didn't do something soon, maybe he would bleed to death? She glanced at him as she moved around the wires and loose equipment, which lay scattered throughout the vessel. The blood was still pouring out of his wound, and Kira didn't know how long she had been unconscious. Dukat might have already lost a considerable amount.
The craft was lying on its side, which forced her to find a way around consoles and other equipment. She tried to keep the wounded arm as close to her body as possible, but even the slightest movement seemed to send spikes of pain through it. With only one hand to help her get rid of chunks of metal, wires and other things hanging in her path, it took some time before she could reach the back of the shuttle.
When she finally reached the back of the vessel, she had to pry the med-kit out of the cabinet where it was lying. If the bulkhead had been slightly more damaged, she would never have been able to get it out of there without help.
* * *
It was just as troublesome to get back to Dukat and when she brushed her arm against a protruding bulkhead she nearly fainted from the pain. A wave of violent nausea forced her to lean her head down between her legs or she would have passed out. But she didn't allow herself to stand around for long, before hurrying back to Dukat's limp body.
She realized how badly he was bleeding and found herself wishing that he would be all right. She smiled sarcastically to herself. She couldn't believe that she was actually trying to help Dukat. So many times, she had wished this man dead, and now she was trying to save his life. It was so ironic, but being alone on this planet was far worse than sharing it with even him. Why she felt this way, she didn't know.
She squatted beside Dukat's motionless body. His breaths were shallow and she reluctantly stretched her hand out to check his injuries. The cut in his head seemed quite deep and she wondered if a dermal generator was really enough. But that was all she could do for him. She reached out for the med-kit and prayed that the wound wouldn't be as bad as it seemed and that a dermal generator would do the trick.
Again, she could hear Dukat's voice in her head.
"Nobody knows this planet is here…"
She shivered again, but not from the cold. The worries grew stronger and she felt the fear almost grabbing hold of her. What if the Defiant never found them? What if they were stranded on this forsaken planet for good - and what if Dukat died? She would be completely, utterly - alone.
Again she pushed the fears aside. She couldn't afford to let them rule her now. Another quick examination of Dukat made her sigh with relief. The dermal generator would take care of the bleeding and it would heal the wound.
She couldn't help wishing that Julian was there. The young human had turned out to be a caring, competent and good man, despite his unfortunate beginning. Kira smiled ruefully. She missed all of them. Julian, Jadzia, Captain Sisko - even Quark! But maybe it was for the best that none of them were there? Prophets only knew what might have happened to the young doctor if he had been there. Kira shot a glance at Brinn's lifeless body. She was used to seeing death. She had lived through so much during the Occupation - and recently, in the Dominion war, but there was something unusually unsettling with Brinn's death.
A creaking sound from the back of the shuttle made her start. She rose to her feet and looked around. There was the creaking sound again, followed by a crash of metal against metal. She relaxed. There was bound to be strange noises… the shuttle was still falling apart.
Dukat moaned silently and started moving. Kira forgot about the noise and sat beside him. As far as she could see there was nothing else wrong with him than the wound she had just run the dermal generator over.
"What happened?" he coughed as he struggled to sit up.
"Don't move too quickly!" she cautioned him and put a hand to his chest to keep him down. "We just crash-landed on this planet of yours."
"Do I detect a certain amounnt state of attention.
"Eat!" Dukat said with a broad smile. "Drink up! I assure you the wine is of the best vintage."
"Is it poisoned?" Garak inquired with a deceptively light tone.
"Probably." Dukat smiled then took a long draught. "What does it matter? You’ll be dead soon anyway."
Garak lifted his glass with a salute. "True enough." He took a sip and swished it against his palate before swallowing. "Very nice."
"Thank you." Dukat nodded and watched as Bashir took a swallow as well, watching the two Cardassian’s banter with distrust. "Is it to your liking as well, doctor?"
"Actually, as good a vintage as this probably is, I’d prefer some water or tea." He put down the stemmed glass. "I’m understandably thirsty and wine isn’t exactly conducive to relieving dehydration."
"Of course, how thoughtless of me." He rang a small silver bell at his side and the butler, Adams, emerged from what Julian assumed was the kitchen. "Some water for our guests. Oh, and when you bring out the place settings, make sure to cut their meat for them." He nodded with a benevolent grin toward the two ‘guests’ in question. "I don’t think you’re quite ready to be trusted with knives, do you?"
‘Probably." Garak rejoined and Dukat laughed heartily.
"Oh Elim! I always did appreciate your wit." He leaned in. "At least the half you seemed to be in possession of."
Julian winced at the usage of the pun while Garak merely awarded his adversary with a polite nod. "Very clever, sir."
"Sir?" Dukat’s eyeridges rose in mock surprise. "Oh this is a miraculous turn, isn’t it? I do believe we’re ready to eat, don’t you?"
"Absolutely." Garak agreed.
~*~
The young Bolean officer scowled and pressed the headset closer to her ear. "Hey Nog?"
The Ferengi looked up from his own monitoring station toward his crewmate. "Yeah?"
"Can you come listen to this for a minute?" She asked, her hairless brow wrinkling in frustration. "I’m picking up something, but I can’t quite catch it."
Chief O’Brien looked over at the two in interest as Nog put on her headset. After a moment, the young ensign’s eyes opened wide in surprise.
"What is it, Nog?" O’Brien asked intently.
"It’s…" The Ferengi looked at the communications officer with interest. "Where’d you get this?"
"Well," she began, "When I couldn’t find anything concrete from the scans we made on the Orion sector, I decided to review Mr. Garak’s first transmission."
"What is it?" The chief repeated gruffly.
"There’s a signal underneath the static in the transmission. I can’t quite…" He reached over and turned the volume all the way up, wincing at the feedback but remaining focused. "Yeah, now I hear it. It’s…it’s in some kind of code."
Nog grabbed a PADD from a nearby workstation and began to type in the oblique message as quickly as he could. O’Brien frowned as he watched the first few symbols come into view then opened his mouth in surprise. "Fuck me sideways…" He threw the female officer an apologetic look. "Sorry. Nog—I want you and Ensign Jer`i to continue monitoring but on this frequency, understood?"
"Yes, chief." The seated officer agreed weakly.
"But what does this mean?" Nog muttered, "Ally, ally, oxen free?"
~*~
"Never thought I’d be so happy to hear that Cardie ba-er-Garak’s voice in my life, Captain!" O’Brien grinned beatifically.
"Ally, ally, oxen free---well, obviously Mr. Garak and Julian’s lunches covered more than just Earth literature." Sisko smiled triumphantly. "Our Mr. Garak has called off this game of hide and seek, Chief. Let’s go round up the players, shall we?"
"Yes sir." O’Brien gave a relieved grin. "Now that we know the frequency it shouldn’t take more than an hour to get a definite bead on their homing signal."
"I want a rescue party readied and waiting to take the Rio Grande toward their sector." The captain ordered.
"Permission to go along, sir." O’Brien asked.
"Granted." Sisko nodded. "Is Mr.Worf back from his rotation with Martok’s crew yet?"
"No sir."
"In that case, you’ll have the con. Dismissed."
O’Brien headed out the door and back toward an expectant pair of ensigns below. "First bit of good news in a week!"
~*~le any of us survived the crash. The roof is all but gone and if I am not mistaken it will start raining soon. Furthermore I would gladly put out a distress call if there was any way we could do that. But all power on this shuttle is gone. Totally. The transponder is smashed. I am surprised the warp-drive didn't explode and… "
"All right, all right… Now who's talking too much?" he said irritably. "You've made your point, so let's go then. Tell me what you can see. I know there is a cave system on this planet and it is on the Southern Hemisphere. I believe that is where we were heading when we crashed."
Kira nodded, then she realized he couldn't see that and said:
"Yes, we are on the Southern Hemisphere and I can see a mountain not far from here. Maybe two or three standard kilometers away - we'll be there in no time if that is where we should be going."
"It sounds about right… I hope it is, because if it isn't we will not be happy campers when it starts raining. It rains an awful lot on this planet."
"Happy campers?" Kira said, as she began packing everything that might be of use for them.
"A Terran expression" he explained.
Kira frowned as she reached for her PADD. It hadn't been damaged. Maybe it would be of some use to her? She always found it soothing to keep a personal log of her experiences. It seemed to give her the right perspective on things. She didn't want to think too far ahead. Dukat's company might feel like a blessing right now, but spending days, weeks or even months with him on this planet? What if nobody found them ever again?
She tried to tell herself that Sisko knew where she was going, and that he would use the Defiant to search the Badlands with a fine-tooth comb until they found her if they had to. He wouldn't stop until he had either found her or evidence that she was dead.
With that thought in her mind, she put one of the backpacks in Dukat's hands - the heavier one.
"Let's go!"
"As you order" he replied. She began walking out of the shuttle, and didn't even turn around to check on Dukat, and it didn't take long until his melodic voice rang in her ears.
"I am sorry, major, but I am afraid you will have to be a little bit more helpful than this if I am going to be able to go with you" Dukat said impatiently.
Kira turned around to look at him. He was standing in the doorway to the shuttle with his hand in a firm grip around the frame. His knuckles were white. A short pang of guilt struck Kira, and she clenched her teeth. Why in the name of the Celestial Temple did she feel sorry for *him*? Her sympathy made her anger flare again. She had a violent temper and Dukat always seemed able to bring out the worst in her.
Without uttering a word she walked back to him and took his hand. It was dry, warm and soft in hers and she realized it was the first time ever that she touched him voluntarily. In turn, his grip around her fingers was firm, but she could feel him trembling slightly. It was a strange sensation, seeing him so vulnerable.
For him to let her see his weakness was also remarkable… why did he do that? He had always been a master at hiding his true agendas, his true feelings. Was this just a ruse to make her pity him? She relaxed and told herself that this was probably it, ignoring the incessant voice inside her that told her she could understand his uneasiness. She pulled him brusquely with her as she walked out of the shuttle once again.
Reluctantly and with very cautious steps, holding back with every move, he followed her through the lush green. The planet was evidently very small. She could even see the horizon curve in the distance.
"I guess you have always wanted to see me land flat on my face, but could we save that for another occasion?" he muttered as she started walking over the uneven terrain. "It is really difficult to keep your pace when I can't see a thing in front of me. I don't know about you, major, but walking in the darkness has never been a problem for me. Cardassians have - after all - a perfect night-vision, but this is not quite the same. It is just - black!"
"I am sorry. What do you want me to do?" she asked and stopped walking altogether when he stumbled and nearly dragged her with him. "Do you want me to tell you what the terrain looks like? Do you want me to walk slower?"
"Both your suggestions are certainly valid and would probably make things easier for both of us. If I were to land on my face on a rock, you'd have trouble dragging me to the caves through the woods, now wouldn't you?" he muttered.
"What makes you think I wouldn't just leave you lying?"
"Come now Major, If you wanted to leave me behind you would have done so in the shuttle, no?"
"Would you just shut up and walk. Up ahead there are a lot of roots from the trees, so I suggest you concentrate on feeling where those are and shut up."
His hearty laughter made her even more irritated. The feeling he was only putting up an act nagged at her, but she ignored it and started walking. Determinedly she put his hand on her elbow and guided him carefully forward, moving towards the mountain.
*** Part 3 ***
They walked agonizingly slowly through the lush green of the forest on that forsaken planet. It wasn't cold as long as they kept moving, even at that slow pace. But Kira glanced back at Dukat frequently. He was walking beside her, holding her arm steadily and taking it ever so slowly, step by step. The expression on his face was so tense that Kira couldn't read any of his thoughts or feelings.
It took a while before she realized he had to use all the strength he had left in him to keep going. He had after all lost a lot of blood and he couldn't see.
As if the Gods of Weather had seen their dilemma and decided to add to it, the rain started pouring down from the heavens. Dukat slid on the muddy ground and almost pulled her with him down on the ground once more. She found that his trouble in moving was much worse than she had anticipated.
Dukat leaned heavily on Kira and she tried to guide him with words and a steady grip around his waist.
Kira cursed inside. She had no experience with blind people at all, and since Dukat had been blind only for a few hours, he wasn't of much help either. The grip around his waist was a way of trying to help, but it seemed to be more in the way than anything else. However, he was too weak to stand on his own.
Kira wished she had been strong enough to carry him, but there was no other way to help him but to try and steady him on their way. She couldn't imagine what it was like for him and found herself once more feeling sorry for him.
Dukat, on the other hand, was uncharacteristically silent. He didn't utter a word…
* * *
"We have to stop and rest," Kira said as soon as she realized how weak he
really was.
"Are you tired, major?" he panted.
"No, but you are!" she answered curtly.
"Yes, I am," he admitted. "But I am also freezing and if I don't get out of
this rain soon, I won't make it to those caves."
"But it is not that cold…" she protested.
"Not to you maybe…" he scoffed. "But in case you have forgotten I am
Cardassian and I am slightly less tolerant to low temperatures than you are. We're used to
a warmer climate, you know. On top of that - if you were telling me the truth, I did lose
a lot of blood?"
"You did" she confirmed. "But this isn't working. This is going to take
forever, Dukat."
"You can always leave me here!" he groaned, and slid down on the ground for a
moment.
"Don't be stupid! I wouldn't leave anyone here - not even you! We could leave the
backpacks and that would make it easier for us. If we leave them here I can go back for
them later… " Kira thought aloud.
Dukat nodded tiredly. Kira was surprised he didn't protest. He always protested against her ideas, but he remained silent as she helped him take off the heavy backpack. Kira pushed away the guilty feeling she got when remembering that she gave him the heavier one. There was no reason to dwell on that now.
"Are you ready?" he asked.
She nodded and yet again remembered he couldn't see that so she just replied.
"Okay, so let's keep moving then."
He grabbed her arm firmly, almost painfully, and kept walking beside her. Although it was easier now, they were still not moving very fast. The slow pace was driving Kira insane, but there was nothing she could do. Every time she tried to pick up the pace, Dukat stumbled or pulled at her to slow down.
* * *
[It was a nightmare. Going through the wet, muddy ground was taking its toll on my strength as well as. I could only imagine what it was doing to Dukat. When we finally reached the caves it was dark outside and Dukat's face was paler than I had ever seen it before. His grayish skin was almost white and he was shaking visibly.]
* * *
Kira moved through the thick under-vegetation. She almost stumbled when the weight of Dukat's Cardassian body leaned heavily on her. She looked up on his face. He was close to passing out. She didn't need Julian's help to understand that.
"We're almost there, Dukat!" she said soothingly. "Hang in there!"
He didn't answer and that in itself told her how totally drained he must be. No mocking response, no condescending remarks?
"Just hang in there, Dukat. Don't you dare leave me here!" she whispered more to herself than him. They moved through the cave opening and as soon as they entered, Kira gasped.
"What?" Dukat groaned tiredly.
* * *
[It was really a weird sight. Welcome - but weird. The cave wasn't your regular one, the kind you could find on any other planet. No, up until recently this cave had been occupied - by humanoids.]
* * *
"Oh" Dukat said. "I forgot to tell you, this was our base-camp!" Then he passed out. Kira didn't understand what was happening until it was too late. He was too heavy for her to hold him up and he slumped to the ground sideways. His head made a disturbing sound when it hit the floor of the cave and she flinched. Had he hurt himself even more?
Watching him, she didn't understand how he could have kept going for so long. His face was so pale it looked almost transparent and when she crouched down beside him she could feel that his body-temperature was far below normal. Fortunately it seemed his fall hadn't been so severe. She had a tough time dragging him over the cave-floor to one of the cots standing alongside the far wall. He was a lot heavier than he looked, and that horrid armor he was wearing didn't make it easier.
Kira had no time to look around the cave. She had to take care of Dukat first. His body was so cold and his breathing was yet again shallow. The first thing she had to do was to get rid of the armor he was wearing. It was difficult to strap it off of his limp body. Trying to move him was as bad as trying to move a sack of wet cement. She was breathing heavily before she had gotten rid of the armor and moved him onto the bed. His breathing was so slow that she felt her heart flutter in her chest.
The words 'don't you dare die on me' kept running around in her mind over and over again.
She hesitated for only a brief moment. He had to get out of those wet clothes if he was to get warm and there was no way he could do it himself. That left only her. Determinedly, she started pulling off his wet clothes. She had trouble removing them, and his limp body didn't make it easy for her to undress him. She had most certainly never seen herself doing this particular task and the irony of it all made her smile tiredly.
* * *
[I remember stopping to look at him. I was more nervous than I'd care to admit. Why did we have to end up in this situation, I remember thinking. I had never ever pictured myself in a situation where I would actually want Dukat to live. And where he depended on me for his survival.]
* * *
Kira stopped for a second and watched him where he was lying. He wasn't as broad shouldered as the armor lead you to believe, but he was well built. She pulled her eyes off his face and torso and continued getting his clothes off. She tried to concentrate on the necessity of it all, but couldn't help feeling angry with him for putting her in such an impossible situation.
Kira realized that it could have been worse. She could have been the one wounded and needing his assistance. He could have been the one who had to undress her. That thought made her stiffen and thank the Prophets that this wasn't what had happened… She pushed away the disturbing thoughts and kept doing what she had to do. Soon he lay there almost naked before her, and she couldn't help letting her eyes follow his alien shape.
* * *
[I wouldn't have admitted it to myself right then and there, but deep inside I thought that he was magnificent. The alien texture of his skin, the scales and the ridges made a more pleasing sight than I had ever thought. Cardassians had always seemed repulsive to me. Perhaps because of that air of superiority which always surrounded them. More so in Dukat than any other Cardassian I have ever met. But when he was lying there, unconscious and strangely vulnerable. I could see him in a different light.]
* * *
Kira rose to her feet and found one of the thermal blankets and she wrapped it around him. Then she started to look around the cave. She didn't want to think about what she would eventually have to do. So before even trying to come to terms with that she examined the cave.
It wasn't very big. Maybe slightly larger than OPs on Deep Space Nine, and it didn't contain much. There was a medical kit, better equipped than the one in their backpacks. There was a fair amount of dried foods and field rations. But that wasn't what she wanted to find. What she wanted to find was a radio transmitter or something else they could use - either to contact the station or to get off the planet. But after examining the cave swiftly, she realized there was nothing like that anywhere. She sighed deeply and realized she had to deal with the reality of the situation rather than hope for the impossible. So, she got to it. First she started the fire. There was wood and a fireplace in the middle of the cave. Kira hunched beside it and looked up. It seemed there was a natural opening in the cave above the fireplace. It wasn't big enough or straight enough to allow water from the rain inside, but obviously big enough to let the smoke out. So she struck one of the old-fashioned lighters and soon the flames were dancing before her, lighting up the cave, warming her.
She decided that the best thing she could do right now was go and get the backpacks. It would put off the inevitable for a little while longer. The backpacks were hidden closer to the runabout than the caves so she had a fairly long walk ahead of her. Kira realized she'd better get to it. Before she left, she pulled another thermal blanket from one of the other cots to wrap around Dukat. She knew it wouldn't do much good since he was so cold, but she refused to think about it.
She left. It was still raining and she was freezing cold as well. The flashlight flew over the dark landscape and she felt oddly disturbed by the darkness. Yet she stubbornly kept going - over the roots and pebbles making the path rather tough to walk on. But it was easier now that she wasn't almost carrying Dukat beside her, so she reached the backpacks sooner than she had expected. She pulled up the first one and hung it on one shoulder, then she leaned down and pulled up the other one. She'd be damned if she'd walk back another round!
She almost lost her balance under the weight, but she clenched her teeth and began walking. She had almost dragged Dukat to the caves, so she was strong enough to carry these as well!
She slipped several times on her way back to the caves and by the time she got back her clothes were so wet and full of dirt that they plastered to her body like a second skin. She, too, was trembling from the cold.
Tiredly, she dropped the backpacks on the ground where she was standing and started peeling her soaking wet uniform off and left it on the ground in a bundle. She pulled one of the other cots close to Dukat's, made sure the fire was still burning and then she slid down in the bed beside him. It wasn't as horrible as she had anticipated. She needed his body to get warm as well and she tried to just forget who he was.
* * *
His body was so cold Kira had to check his pulse. She was afraid he was already gone, but his heart was beating in a steady rhythm and she sighed in relief as she realized he was still alive.
Kira frowned and asked herself why she was so afraid that Dukat would die. Why did it bother her so much to be alone on this planet? She had always been able to take care of herself and had never depended on anyone for her survival, so why should she need that now?
His cold skin made Kira feel like instead of giving him warmth, she was getting even colder. She grabbed another thermal blanket and tucked it around them. Reluctantly she crept closer and pulled him into her embrace. The unusual ridges on his chest pressed against her upper body and she couldn't help looking at him. He looked so different. She had known Dukat for so long, and yet she really knew nothing about him. She had never wanted to know anything about him.
She still didn't. She hated him.
Yet she put her arms around him. She tried to warm his cold body with her own and slowly, but steadily, the heat from the fire and the blankets gave them the warmth they so desperately needed.
Finally, sleep overcame her and she dosed off.
*** Part 4 ***
[Hours later I woke up. Dukat was lying beside me, mumbling in his sleep. I reached out to touch his forehead and realized he had a high fever. I didn't know enough about Cardassian physiology to know whether it was dangerously high or not. But fortunately I had the means to do something about it.]
* * *
Kira rose from the bed and shivered. It had stopped raining but the humidity hung in the air like tiny droplets, creating a mist that made every surface damp and cold. The fire had all but died out and she had to get some medication for Dukat. Kira reached out and pulled one of the thermal blankets around her slim body and moved towards the medical kit. This was an installation for rogue soldiers and they had made sure they would be able to heal their wounded comrades. Kira rustled around in the medkit for a few moments until she found what she needed and carried the hypospray back to Dukat.
She administered the medication, watched as his sleep became less disturbed and waited for him to stop mumbling. He was rambling away in Kardasi and it wasn't coherent enough for the translator. Kira knew enough of the language to realize he was in pain, but the words drifted away and came back in such disorder she couldn't make any sense of it.
Eventually he fell into an untroubled sleep and Kira started the fire again. Her tiredness was gone, so she decided to try and dry their clothes. She hung them on chairs, which she pulled close to the fire.
* * *
[I moved around that cave for what felt like hours. I tried to familiarize myself with it and the equipment there. There was nothing that could give me any hint on where we were, and as I surmised earlier there was no radio communications equipment. Weapons and ammunition - yes. There were also information PADDs. I would have to look at those, but not until I could get Dukat's help. The Cardassian PADDs with the information I needed were encrypted, and in Kardasi. The language was difficult enough for me as it was without having to decode it. I felt myself longing for the help of my associates - of my *friends* - back at the station. All I could do was wait for Dukat to wake up from his fever-tormented sleep.]
* * *
The following night Kira couldn't sleep at all. Dukat's fever rose to unimaginable heights. She was worried about him, and angry with herself for even caring. His skin had gone from the almost transparent tinge to a darkened hue of gray, bordering to charcoal.
Kira found herself worrying about Dukat. He was sweating so much, and Cardassians didn't sweat! At least that was what she always heard. But that obviously wasn't true when they were sick. Dukat's entire body was covered with a layer of sweat. Beads were forming on his irregular forehead and Kira sat there with a damp cloth in her hand and a bowl of water. She changed it frequently, trying to keep the water as cool as possible. She had to get his fever down or he would most certainly not survive this. Even the fever-suppressant she administered only helped so much. Without it, he would have been dead a long time ago.
She found herself pondering their situation, wondering why Dukat was so sick. The wound she had healed in his head couldn't be the cause for this. There was no bacteria showing up on the medical tricorder that could have given him this fever. It couldn't be the planet. He had been here before…
Her train of thought broke off as Dukat screamed aloud. It was a sound of such profound agony. She never thought she would hear something like that from him. She winced as he hit her hard in the chest as he kept fighting against the ghosts in his dreams. She had to grab his hands and hold him down so he wouldn't hurt either of them. For the first time she was grateful he was weakened by the fever. His skin was damp and hot in her hands and she didn't enjoy having to touch him at all.
"No! No! Don't take her from me. She is all I have left!"
Kira watched him as he tossed and turned in the bed. His eyes were open but he was quite obviously not 'there' with her. He would never have let her see this kind of weakness or emotional display if he had been in his right mind. Whatever 'the right mind' meant where Dukat was concerned…
"Don't let her die! Oh please, don't let her die…" he whimpered and pulled away from her. He hid his face in his hands as if trying to shy away from the images in his mind.
Kira watched him, trying to stay detached. But his eyes were filled with an agony she knew only too well. She didn't have to be a psychologist to know that Ziyal's death lay heavily on his conscience and despite everything Dukat had done, she took pity on him. She crawled down beside him in bed, pulled his slim body close and began whispering an old chant in Bajoran. That seemed to ease his mind and he relaxed in her embrace. His ragged whisper came in Bajoran.
"Oh, Naprem. I didn't ever mean for this to happen…"
Kira hated this. She hated the display of vulnerability he was right now. She had never asked to see Dukat this way. She didn't want to care about him, she didn't want to feel sorry for him and she sure as hell didn't want to depend on him. And strange as it seemed, she did depend on him for her peace of mind. She couldn't stand the thought of being completely alone on this entire planet.
And she was afraid that this might very well happen if he didn't get well soon!
As he fell into a less tormented sleep she slipped out of the bed and wondered what might be causing his illness. Kira turned the problem around in her head until she remembered something Julian had once told her. She could hear the slightly accented voice of Deep Space Nine's resident physician as clearly as if he was standing before her.
"Fever doesn't necessarily have to be a sign of physical damage - like a bacterial infection or a virus. Fever can also be a symptom when a subject suffers from mental instability or emotional trauma. The body does what it can to rid itself of what ails it. And when a patient is in such emotional agony that the mind doesn't know how to deal with it, a very high fever - sometimes even lethal - can be one of the symptoms. Of course you have to rule out the possibilities of a viral infection and look at the subject's history. But it has been known to happen."
Kira had to think long and hard about that. She tried to look at Dukat's history objectively. She tried to see it from a Cardassian viewpoint - and *that* was difficult!
But needless to say, he had been through a terrible ordeal this last year. What would a psychologist make out of Dukat's life?
She sat down by the table, watching him sleep. His fever had gone down for the moment and she was hoping he had reached the peak, and that, from now on, he would get better. Suffering from such a high fever for so long could be dangerous.
She pulled out a PADD - it was her personal log. She had managed to bring it with her from the runabout. She tried sorting out everything she knew about Dukat and his life and tried to make some sense out of that man who had felt like her nemesis for so long. She knew this was going to be hard but still forced herself to do it. And she hated him even more for it. Slowly and a bit uncertain she began her recording.
"My knowledge of Dukat and his life is probably more intimate than most and I also think I know him well enough to see behind the posturing and the facades he puts up for people around him. Maybe that is what makes me so angry? That I know what he is like underneath that smugness and false superiority? But that wasn't why I started this log - not for my own soul-searching. That will have to wait for another day…."
Kira sighed deeply and then she continued, with a stricter voice, more detached.
"Dukat lost his father at a very young age. When he was still young enough to be hurt deeply by it. I know that Garak had something to do with it and that it was hard enough on Dukat to make him hate Garak with a desperation that goes far beyond reason. I know that his ambition is strong enough to allow him to suppress any shred of conscience he might have…"
Kira sighed again and corrected herself. This was difficult. Wasn't it rather stupid of her to think that she could ever be able to see this from Dukat's point of view? Yet she continued.
"No, I promised myself I would be objective. Dukat did try to ease the suffering on Bajor during the Occupation. I also know for a fact that he was more lenient towards us than most of the Guls ever were."
Kira turned silent for a second. This was the first time ever in her life that she admitted to herself that Dukat - perhaps - wasn't the worst Cardassian she had ever met. But if she was going help him now, she would have to remain detached. It was hard. Being objective when it came to the Occupation - the worst part of her life - wasn't easy.
"I hate him too much for this!" She couldn't stop herself from saying it. But she rewinded the logg and kept going, forcing herself to be objective.
"During that same Occupation, different factions of the Resistance made several attempts on his life, which in turn forced him to discipline the Bajorans. It might have been hard for him. Any other Cardassian wouldn't have given it another thought. But Dukat did have some strange connection to Bajor. As much as she hated to admit it. It was there. Ziyal had been a living proof of that. And even if he didn't really care about the Bajorans per se, his life must have been a constant battle. Never feeling like he could relax or turn his back on anyone. My people hated him for who he was and the Cardassians all wanted him dead so they could take his position. Granted he chose that life. But maybe, just maybe it wasn't as glorious as he had thought?"
Kira turned silent and rubbed the bridges of her nose. She was getting a headache and every word she said made her want to cringe. She wanted to scream and throw things.
"Was the Occupation difficult for him? He seemed to *enjoy* the suffering he caused us! It seemed like it, yes. But had he - really? He must have had some feelings for Bajor. He was in love with one of us…"
She didn't want to make excuses - Dukat deserved everything that happened to him! He killed so many of her people during the Occupation…
But the question was - how did killing all those Bajorans - albeit under orders from Central Command - really make him feel?
"If I want to get us off of this forsaken planet. I need him to get well and for that I have to help him. In order to do that I have to understand. I am trying so hard to see this from his point of view…but it is so difficult…"
Kira put down the PADD. She couldn't do this anymore. Not today - but perhaps tomorrow she would be strong enough to continue? This was proving to be worse than she could ever have guessed. This forced her to look deep into her own soul, and see that her view of things might not be the only one.
*** Part 5 ***
Days passed by with Dukat lying in the bed, totally incapacitated by the high fever, which didn't want to yield. Kira nursed him like he was a sick child. He kept mumbling in his dreams and she had managed to sort out what some of them entailed.
She was forced to listen to him.
"No! Everyone I ever cared about is gone!" he cried.
She listened as his dreams changed and went from personal losses to things he had experienced as the Prefect of Bajor. Hearing him talk about the Occupation hurt. Logically she knew he had been the Prefect of Bajor, but she had never allowed him to talk to her about it. Now she had no choice but to listen.
"I will take care of the Bajorans!" he said hoarsely. "Don't worry Legate, I will see to that the ones responsible for the explosion will be executed."
"I refuse to line them up like cattle!" he roared and turned in his sleep.
He slipped into slumber and Kira leaned against the wall. As she wiped the sweat from his brow, trying to keep the fever down she was forced to listen and she had no protection against the memories his feverish ravings brought back, and she had no protection against the tears that flooded her eyes. .
Sometimes his pale blue eyes were staring at Kira but they were far away. He still couldn't see her and she remained silent.
The toughest part came when he dreamt about her mother. Ever since that experience with the Orb of Time Kira had promised herself that she wouldn't think about it any more. But his memories intruded. His pain became hers.
"Meru missed her children so much it was killing her and she missed her husband. But by the time I realized she would never belong to me fully I couldn't let her go back. It wouldn't have mattered to her own people that she never wanted me or never cooperated with me. To them she was a collaborator and they would have killed her. So she stayed with me. I cared about her, but she never returned my feelings - not really. I tried to give her everything but she slipped away from me."
As hard as Kira tried, she could not feel any relief. She wondered if he was awake and knew she was there. If he told her this to give her some peace of mind, or if he simply was delousional. It was difficult to know. He had the gift of speech even in his present state, but she said nothing. She simply wet the cloth again and wiped his brow. The fever was still high and he wasn't conscious for long, if he had been at all.
* * *
Once again Dukat was sleeping silently and she kept going with the log. She forced herself to deal with Dukat's past, piece by piece, and it seemed to her that her diagnosis might be correct after all. The medical tricorder didn't show any physical evidence as to why he was running this high fever and yet it refused to subside.
Kira's voice bounced off the walls of the damp cave as she kept recording.
"It seems I may be right. It is as if Dukat's entire life has been bordered with the deaths or losses of his family and loved ones. He lost his father…" There was a catch in Kira's voice before she continued. "Meru, Naprem and Ziyal - only to find Ziyal, which caused him to lose his Cardassian family. He tried to regain power and get Terok Nor back. He knew that perhaps this would bring his wife and children back to him, despite the dishonor he had showed them by bringing Ziyal back to Cardassia with him…"
Kira silenced as the pieces of the intricate puzzle that was Gul Dukat were falling into place one by one. She might not like his actions but she could certainly understand why he had done some of the things he did…
"Then he lost Terok Nor, the entire Alpha Quadrant..."
This was the hardest part for her to understand. He was a megalomaniac! Thinking that he could rule the entire quadrant was so foolish, and yet he had attempted to do so! Siding with the Dominion was the stupidest mistake he had ever made, and he had made some really big ones in his life!
"…and he lost Ziyal."
None of her anger or the despise she felt could be heard in her calm voice as she kept recording her log.
If she tried to really be objective - she could see that Dukat's life had been far from perfect. Driven by his ambitions rather than his feelings, everything he had ever cared about had slipped through his fingers.
Obeying the orders of Central Command and executing their demands he might even have had to sacrifice some of his personal beliefs, in order to be a good Cardassian and serve the State.
"I might be giving him more of a conscience than he is capable of! There are so many things to prove the opposite. What it really comes down to in the end is that he no longer has anything to live for. He missed the opportunity to get revenge - and in the end he even lost his mind."
Why would she want someone like that to live? Even if they were alone on this planet, he might be more of a threat to her than anything else. But Kira had to admit to herself that Dukat didn't seem like that anymore… She forced herself to remember how Dukat looked when she and Brinn transported him over to their runabout. The hatred was gone from his eyes. It was as if he was empty, without any emotions left.
Now Dukat had to deal with everything he had done in his life and the consequences of his actions. It was weighing on him. Perhaps - somewhere behind that gray mask of posturing and pride - there was a conscience after all, Kira thought.
* * *
By the fifth day, he was able to stay awake for short periods at a time and they talked some. He told her where they were - at the far end of the Badlands, a fairly remote position for anyone. Even if the Defiant was out looking for them, they might never be found.
"What were you doing here?" Kira asked.
"Weyoun doesn't trust me anymore, so I left Cardassia," he admitted.
"Nobody trusts you any more Dukat. You're a madman and a murderer." Kira said coldly. She might feel sorry for him, might even understand him - deep inside. But she'd be damned if she showed him any pity or compassion.
He didn't answer - as if he silently agreed with her.
Strange as it may seem, he got worse after that, and Kira realized that she wasn't helping at all. Her hatred for Dukat stood in the way of his recovery and she had to ask herself if she really wanted him to get well or if she would be happy just watching him wither away.
* * *
When he woke up the next time she tried to handle it differently. He didn't talk much and she brought him water. He needed all the water he could get.
"Thank you" he whispered hoarsely and fell back on the covers.
"You're welcome" she whispered back. Then she said. "Don't fall asleep, Dukat!"
"Why not?" His voice was tired and his gaze was empty. As if all he wanted was to return to the blackness and forget. Kira realized that Dukat didn't want to live.
"Why did you help me find this planet?" she asked. "Why didn't you just let the shuttle crash. You don't want to live."
"I might not want to live. But you do," he responded.
"Why do you care?" she wondered.
He turned his head toward her and said simply.
"I don't want the blood of another Bajoran on my hands ever again!"
Then he turned around to sleep. She grabbed his shoulder and shook him.
"Leave me alone!" he muttered.
"I won't leave you alone. If you die, so will I!" she said impatiently.
He turned back around and tried to fix his gaze on something.
"Why would you die just because I do. You never needed my help to stay alive before!" he said curtly. But his voice held a strange hope.
Kira realized that he needed something to live for and the only one who could give him that right now was she.
"I will go insane if you leave me alone on this planet!" she admitted truthfully. "It gives me the creeps!"
Dukat gave her a half-smile.
"I guess I will have to live then, won't I?" he mocked her.
He fell back to sleep, and Kira watched him patiently as she had done for so many days now.
* * *
Next time he woke, his fever had gone down even if it was still there. Kira didn't really know what to make of it. Was the danger over? Would the fever go away although he hadn't really dealt with the cause of it? Or would it get worse again?
"Major?" he whispered coarsely. She was sitting by one of the tables, stubbornly trying to go through one of the PADDs with little success. The inability to do something about their precarious situation was driving her mad. Not to mention what the plunges into Dukat's sick and twisted mind did to her!
"Major!" he grunted a little louder and she startled at the sound of his harsh voice.
"Dukat, you're awake" she stated calmly.
"I think so. Is it dark in here, or am I still blind?" he said with anticipation in his voice.
"It seems your eyesight is still gone" she answered tiredly.
"How long have I been out?" he asked.
"Five days in a row. You've been running a very high fever."
"You mean I've been out for almost a week and you haven't killed me yet?" his voice sounded flat and without the usual mockery.
"Yes" He still rubbed her the wrong way, but instead of letting on how
irritated his tired bantering made her she said:
"How do you feel?"
"Better - I think. I am still cold - and thirsty. Is there any water in the barrel by the weapon's locker?" he asked.
Kira nodded and said:
"Yes. Water is something we won't have to do without on this planet"
That however didn't get her moving.
"Would you mind?" he asked impatiently.
"I would think you could find your way to the water yourself. You are blind, not crippled!" she spat. For some reason the fact that she admitted to him that she needed him made her so angry she couldn't see straight. So she forced him to do it himself.
"Oh, I see…" he said with a suppressed hiss in his voice. "So that's what the stay on this planet is going to be like"
He sat up in the bed and started moving. Then she saw the wicked smile on his lips and she suddenly realized that he was still naked.
"Oh" he said as if something very pleasing just dawned on him. "I wonder how I came to be in this particular state of undress. Hm?" he asked and looked at her with those amazingly blue eyes, as if he knew exactly where her face was. "Perhaps…" he said with his usual mocking tone. "… that is why you want me to get the water myself, so that you can watch me? Am I right, my dear Major?" he teased, but she could see the determination in his eyes. He was tired, drained in fact, but he was not going to beg her to help him.
So he rose from the bed in his 'particular state of undress' and moved as cautiously as he could over to the barrel with water. He followed the beds with his hands and it took him quite a while to reach the barrel. He was so weak from the fever that he was trembling. By then, Kira's face was flushed by embarrassment and she was stubbornly staring at the PADD in her lap. She refused to watch him where she was sitting behind the desk. When he had satisfied his thirst, he slowly made his way back to the bed, but stopped in front of her.
"You know, Major…" he said. "I realize you really don't like me. But there is a good chance we will remain stranded here for quite some time to come. So, I suggest, we put our differences aside and try to cooperate."
She forced herself to look up, and he was standing there, naked as the very day he was born with his head slightly tilted and with a sincere look in his damaged eyes.
// Damn him! Why is he so comfortable walking around without a thread on his body? //
Kira gritted her teeth. She'd be damned before she let on how uncomfortable it made her.
"Your clothes are hanging on a chair by the fire. Take two steps to the left and the chair is right in front of you" she said, trying to remain calm. That was when Kira admitted to herself that there really was no reason for him to feel embarrassed…
With a little more ease, she saw him make his way to the chair and feel with his hands for the clothes hanging there.
"My head is hurting like hell. I think I will crawl back into bed for a little while longer. Care to join me?" he said and turned around.
She didn't answer and she could hear him stifle a laugh as he crawled back under the covers. By then her face was probably the same color as a Terran tomato, but she'd be damned before she ever let him know.
"I didn't embarrass you, did I major?" he said as if he could read her mind. He always had an uncanny way of knowing how she felt and what she was thinking. "You brought it upon yourself you know…"
She still didn't answer. She didn't know what to say. She just hated it when he was right.
*** Part 6 ***
He woke up to the same darkness he had been forced to endure for so many days now. A complete blackness, which allowed no light into his mind at all. It seemed the shadows had come to stay. In some moments - like now - the fear felt like it was going to eat him alive. The only thing that stopped him from screaming and clawing at his unseeing eyes was the knowledge that showing such weakness to Kira would not be in his best interest.
Instead he rubbed his eyes as if hoping that the darkness would magically disappear, but it was still there when his eyelids fluttered open once more. The panic crept up on him like a predator, scraping inside his chest. Dukat closed his eyes again and breathed in deeply. In and out in a slowly meditative rhythm he had learned when he was a young foot soldier. Fear and pain were emotions one shouldn't display. That wasn't Cardassian. But right now he felt like he might not be able to stop himself from displaying his weaknesses in the most humiliating manner.
"Major?" he whispered silently, hating the sound of fear in his voice.
Was she there by his side or had she gone outside? What time of day was it? Or was it night? His heart felt like it would beat itself out of his chest. He had never felt so alone or so helpless in his life and it was a thoroughly unpleasant feeling. When she didn't respond to his silent plea he almost lost his iron control.
But then he heard the deep, even breathing of Kira, right next to him. Her closeness was so comforting he almost felt nauseous. Silently he scooted closer to her, as much for comfort as for warmth. He was careful not to wake her. He needed to feel he wasn't alone right now and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that if she woke up he might very well be knocked out cold by a well-placed blow to his neck or face for even touching her.
He wondered if she had any idea of how vulnerable he felt right now. He thought he had managed not to let on how utterly humiliated he had felt when she forced him to go after the water all by himself. The truth was different however - he was only a shadow of what he once was. His body was weak from the fever, the darkness around him made him feel like a frightened child, and the demons from his past would not leave him be.
He supposed Kira would be delighted if she knew how truly at her mercy he was right now. She would revel at the idea of his fear and his vulnerability. She would love knowing how hard it was for him to keep the memories of his past at arm's length.
// She thinks I deserve it… // he admitted. // But that isn't true… that just isn't true. Everything I have ever done I have done for the good of my people… for Cardassia, and that makes it all right. //
He truly believed that. He *had* to believe that.
Standing at the brink of madness and tipping over was the most frightening thing he had ever experienced. And why had this happened?
Because the thought that maybe Kira, Sisko and the others were right, had occurred to him. Maybe he was really the despicable man they always claimed he was? Had he been so utterly misled by his pride and lust for power that he just couldn't see it? It was a very disturbing thought. And like so many times before he pushed it away. He mentally put it inside a box, sent it back to the farthest corners of his mind, and shut the lid. He wished he could have thrown away the key as well, but he knew he had to deal with it eventually.
Right now he rested his head on the pillow near the Bajoran woman who hated him so. He could feel her breathing against his chin and he closed his eyes. Her breaths licked his skin like fire and it hurt. It hurt more than he'd ever let her know.
He couldn't sleep, the fever was gone, and he wondered what she had done to make it go away. Instead of dealing with his own ghosts he tried to remember what had happened to them. He had very few memories of what had taken place since they crash-landed. Some hazy recollections of her swearing at him for being sick, and some memories of a cool hand against his sweaty, feverish body and a soft, damp cloth easing the fever raging inside him. She had been taking care of him, but why?
He turned around, carefully not to wake her. He wished he could see her where she was sleeping so close to him, but instead he reached out with his hand to lightly touch her face. He wasn't sure what he felt at first, but it turned out to be the softness of her chin. He trailed his finger along her jaw-line and created an image of her smooth face with his mind's eye. He had always found her to have a compelling beauty, but it wasn't her looks that had attracted him most. It was the way she was. How she passionately embraced life with every breath, how she refused to yield to his advances. Her stubbornness, the way she had taken care of Ziyal, and loved her despite the fact that she was his daughter. The way she looked at him when she was angry. Her brown eyes had cut him to pieces more times than he'd care to remember, and yet he would give anything to see them again. Dukat sighed deeply.
He admired so many things about Kira, but most of all he cherished the way she had loved Ziyal when he himself turned his back on her…
The thought of how he had betrayed his own daughter made him sick. The nausea was violent, unpleasant and very unexpected. He fought it back with all his might and turned from Kira. He could almost feel the color drain from his face. His swift movement woke her up.
"Dukat, what is it?"
He couldn't answer.
"Are you feeling sick?" she asked softly.
He just nodded, and she flew out of bed. He could hear her scrambling on her feet and rummage through the utensils. He almost laughed as he felt the nausea dissipate.
"Nerys?" he mumbled.
He could almost hear her swivel around.
"What? I can't find anything!" she said hysterically.
"It's okay. It passed"
"Are you sure?" Her voice sounded very suspicious. "I don't want you to
throw up in bed!"
"I am sure. I think I am hungry. I always get nauseous when I haven't eaten in a long time," he lied. He could hear her let out a relieved sigh.
"That means you must be getting better… "
"I believe you may be right" he agreed. "But please don't make me get up and eat!"
The silence was almost overwhelming.
"I won't. Dukat… I am sorry," she said softly. "I didn't mean to… "
"Of course you did…" he interrupted her and turned toward her with a tired smile on his lips. "But that's okay. Just give me something - anything - to eat, please." The more he thought about it the more he felt that he really was hungry after all.
She didn't respond. He could just hear her once again moving around.
"What do you want to eat? From what I know Cardassians aren't very fond of fruit and vegetables."
"Oh… I think I'd love a plate of hasperaat, and some Idanian spice pudding, not to mention a piece of Larish Pie and I actually wouldn't mind some moba fruit and a glass of kanaar or some Bajoran spring wine… " he grinned towards her, fighting off and desperately trying to hide the uncomfortable feelings of panic that still lurked just beneath the surface of his mind.
"How about a field ration?" she said dryly.
They ate in silence and then Kira handed his clothes to him.
"Would you mind putting some clothes on?" she said.
"Why should I?" he said tiredly. "I still feel like someone stunned me with a phaser almost set to kill, and there isn't much I can do to be of any use to you!"
"Indulge me," she said curtly.
"Ah, I see. You don't want me running around naked, is that it? If I remember correctly you didn't mind much last time! "
He knew she was embarrassed, but she didn't respond the way he expected her to.
"What's wrong, Dukat?" she asked. She spoke in a soft, compassionate tone she had never used with him before. She talked to Ziyal and Kirayoshi that way, but not to *him*.
"There's nothing wrong, Major" he grunted. "I'll put some clothes on. Don't worry."
Of course, he realized she knew he avoided the subject and complied only to get her off his back, but he hoped it would work nonetheless. He wasn't about to open up to her of all people. There was nothing she could do.
He stepped out of the bed, wearily, and felt his head spin slightly. Then he did what he could to pull his clothes on, but he felt like throwing things around when he realized he couldn't even do that without at least some help. Kira walked up to him and he felt even more naked now than before. The uneasiness of knowing that he was naked, vulnerable and the fact that he couldn't even see the way she was looking at him made him feel so exposed.
"Here, let me help you," she said and moments later he was wearing his pants and the sweater he wore underneath the armor. It was better to be dressed, but he still felt like a sick child who just wanted to crawl up in his mother's lap until he got better. It was pathetic, and it made him angry. The anger would do him no good, so he pushed it aside. He pushed everything aside except for the one thing he could do to help.
"There is a radio transmitter at the other base-camp," he said casually.
As the words were uttered he felt the panic rise again. He couldn't go with her to the other camp. The implications of that fact made him nauseous again and he leaned forward, resting his head between his knees or he would have fainted.
*** Part 7 ***
He could feel Kira's eyes on him. He didn't need his vision to know that he had scared her with his reaction to his own words. He must be white as a piece of paper. He had literally felt the blood leave his head.
"What?" she asked. "What is the matter?"
He swallowed violently.
"Are you feeling sick again?"
He shook his head and put his hands over his eyes.
"You will have to sedate me," he said.
"Sedate you? Why," she asked with genuine puzzlement in her voice.
"That is no use either," he continued.
He barely heard her talking. His mind was reeling with crazy ideas how to put himself out for the count while she was away. Walking over to the other base-camp would take her at least a day. Walking back with the transmitter would take even longer. He would be stranded alone for at least two days, probably three...
"Why should I sedate you?" she insisted.
"Nothing. Don't concern yourself with it!" he snapped.
"I know you will have trouble being here alone, but I will make sure you have water and food supplies, so that you won't have any more problems than necessary. You will just have to tell me where to go. With any luck we'll be off this planet inside a week!" Her voice was getting excited when she realized what his words really meant. "I thought we would be stuck here forever!" Kira said.
"Don't get your hopes up just yet," Dukat cautioned her as he pulled himself together. He refused to let her know how agitated he really was. He could fall apart after she had left, not before. Even the thought made him shiver as if the fever was coming back. Kira didn't even see it, she only heard his words.
"Why - is there something wrong?"
He nodded.
"Yes, the transmitter is broken. I am sure we can fix it - at least I hope we can."
"We'll manage. I just have to go get it and then we'll fix it!"
"Yes, you will have to go get it," he sighed. He resigned to the inevitable. There was nothing he could do. She had to leave and there was no way he could go with her. If he did they wouldn't reach base-camp until next year - if they were lucky.
"I'll prepare myself right away," she said.
"What time is it?" he asked.
"It's early afternoon." She responded.
He drew a deep breath of relief. Even she would see the reasoning behind not leaving until tomorrow.
"Okay, you can leave first thing in the morning," he said.
"I'm leaving as soon as I am packed," she responded curtly.
Dukat reached out with his hand. It bumped into something soft. His lips curved into a half-smile as he realized he had brushed his hand against her thigh. She was standing rather close. He let his hand slid upward and he grabbed her wrist.
"Major - Kira… Nerys!" he stuttered. He could have hit himself for sounding so uncertain but he wanted to make sure she understood. "This place isn't dangerous," he explained. "Not as far as animals are concerned anyway. But the route to base-camp isn't clearly marked. I will have to be very specific for you to find the way. And you will have to need all the help daylight may give you. So, you are not leaving until tomorrow morning. That's it!" he said, his voice now sounding more demanding. Too much so, he realized when he felt her stiffen beneath his touch.
"You are not in any position to give me orders, Dukat!" she snarled.
"Listen to me Nerys!" he said firmly. "Listen to reason if nothing else!"
"All right," she sighed deeply. "I will wait until tomorrow - but only because I have to!" she added, obviously just to make sure he wouldn't believe it was because he had ordered her to do so. If he hadn't felt so bad he would have enjoyed teasing her. Instead he scooted back on the bed and leaned against the wall. He rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes. There wasn't much else he could do. He had never felt so useless in his life.
More than that, now that they had settled the fact that she was going to leave in the morning he couldn't help but think about it. No matter how determined he was not to show her how horrible he thought that was, he couldn't stop his reactions. He shivered and his teeth started clattering. It wasn't so much the cold, even if the climate was not what he would have preferred, as much as the fear inside him. He couldn't push the thoughts of being alone in this cave - in the darkness - away. Suddenly he felt the bed moving under Kira's weight. She slid down beside him and then she whispered.