A MOTHER ALONE

Shortly after I finish the tour through the Enterprise with Captain Kirk, I go searching for Spock.  Seeing him for the first time in four years - and all I had for him were accusations. At least that was what he felt about what I said to him, I could tell from the annoyed expression on his face. My Spock. He could never hide his emotions from me - neither can Sarek. 

I've always wondered about this, since the day I met Sarek for the very first time - how Vulcans claim to control their emotions and bury them behind stone faces - but still they manage to express Shakespeare with one eyebrow. 

Of course it was not my intention to accuse Spock of anything. I knew why he hadn't come to visit us. When we boarded Enterprise and Sarek stepped past Spock, carefully not looking at him - you could've cut the tension with a Lirpa.  Same when we passed Spock in the engine room. So I was actually trying to dispel that tension with teasing Spock about not visiting us and still not smiling. 

This works with most humans and somehow it works with Sarek too - if we are alone. It certainly didn't with Spock. When Captain Kirk told me that Spock was his friend there was an intensity in his voice and eyes that was balm for my heart. 

I feel guilty. There are so much more important things to tell him. All those years I let Sarek have his way, forming a more-than-Vulcan Vulcan out of our son. All those years I've stood and watched how hard he tried to please his father and how much he hurt during this time. 

Living on Vulcan I thought it would be best for him to fit in, but it turned out he was an outcast nevertheless. When Spock left our home to join Starfleet  I felt an odd kind of satisfaction, that my son finally decided to go his own way. I'd hoped that serving among humans would allow him to finally accept the human part of him and find peace. 

I stop in front of Spock's quarters and chime. 

"Come." 

I inhale once and step through the door. 

Spock stands up from behind his desk and comes toward me. 

"Mother." 

I smile at him, then let my eyes wander around his quarters. I notice the Vulcan-standard temperature and the meditation pot, the neatness and sparseness of his quarters. Yet there are personal items standing on the shelves. And the Vulcan harp, hanging on the wall. 

Again I smile, pleased. "You've made yourself at home here."  

Spock watches me, waiting for me to continue. I see the caution in his eyes and realize that he is waiting for another accusation. I swallow. 

"Spock - I have come here to apologize." 

He frowns.

"Apologize?" 

"Yes. You underwent your koon-ut-kalifee, and we weren't there to help you through. I am so sorry," I blurt out, coming right to the point. 

Spock's face goes blank. 

"Sarek was performing his duty to the Federation. You accompanied him as is your duty. One cannot dismiss his duties for personal reasons. There is no need to apologize." 

I listen to the toneless voice and again my heart bleeds for my son.

"T'Pau informed us about what happened," I whisper. "You and your Captain - you could've died. Both of you." 

For a moment I can see pain in Spock's eyes. Then his face is again a mask of non-emotion. This time even his eyes are blank.  

"We are both alive. There is no need to mourn over something that did not happen." 

I nod slowly. "We chose the one who was to be your wife. We chose poorly."  

I search his face for absolution, wait for him to state the fact that his father and I were not responsible for T'Pring's disgusting behaviour. 

But this time he says nothing, just stands there, upright and very still. 

He's holding to the distance and I realize that he'll not talk to me any further. But there is one more thing I have to tell him.

"I also have come here to inform you that you're allowed to make your own choice now." 

Spock nods curtly. "Very well." 

Inhaling deeply I gather my robe around myself and leave his quarters - without a single gesture of affection for my only son that I haven't seen in four years. 

I feel awful. I've looked forward to meeting him on the Enterprise with Sarek by my side. I have dreamed of having a chance to work things out. Instead we started as badly as we ended four years ago and that very moment I leave his cabin I think it can't get worse.  

I am wrong.

*** // *** 

My dream turns into a nightmare. For the second time that day I'm storming through Enterprise's corridors, this time tears streaking down my face.  

Sarek has been accused of murder. To defend himself he confessed that he had three heart attacks I knew nothing about, one right here on the ship. Gods, how could he not tell me? Did he really think I wouldn't want to know? 

Then he had another one, and now he's lying in Sickbay on that biobed, his life in danger and Spock's refusing to help his own father. 

"One cannot dismiss his duties for personal reasons." he'd said. 

For the second time that day I heard that sentence out of his mouth, but where the first time was to comfort me, this time I went berserk.  

I slapped my son right on his face and told him if he'd let his father die I'd hate him for the rest of my life. 

I wanted so much to give him love and hugs, how could it happen that I offered hatred and slaps instead?  I'm absolutely mad. I hate Sarek for not telling me about his health problems, it is his fault that he's about to die now, dammit. I hate Spock, because he's refusing to help. I hate myself because I'm still able to get that mad and lose control after all those years living on Vulcan. And on top I feel awfully guilty. What kind of mate am I not to feel that Sarek's life was in danger? What kind of mother am I to resort to physical violence with my child - my adult child?  

I love them both so much, what am I going to do if Sarek dies? If Spock may never again speak to me after what I've said and done?

*** // *** 

I'm back in Sickbay, staring at my unconcious husband. Behind my back Dr. McCoy is talking to the captain. I don't turn around, but I can overhear the conversation, because after the first quiet words they raise their voices. 

The captain wants to go to the bridge to release Spock. McCoy doesn't want him to stand up because he fears for his life. But Kirk is determined. He makes a deal with McCoy to hand command over to Scotty as soon as Spock left the bridge. 

Then he's out of the room and McCoy is muttering under his breath and pacing the room.  

Then Spock steps in. Without a word he lays down on the bed next to his father and without a word McCoy starts to prepare for the operation, looking at the door now and then. He's waiting for Kirk to return. 

I have retreated to the back of the room, watching the green blood of Spock begin to flow into Sarek's veins. I'm watching Spock looking at his father, his guard down in that very moment - and my eyes water. 

Then the ship rocks and Spock instantly turns first officer again. Trying to leave the bed. But this time McCoy is not having it. I don't even have time to get mad again before the nurse knocks Spock out with a hypospray. 

The next hour is the worst in my whole life. Both my husband and son are lying there in front of me, both their lives in danger and I am paralyzed with fear.  

When the red alert finally gets canceled and McCoy announces that Sarek out of danger I don't get it right away. But I see Spock close his eyes and lay back on the bed, such relief on his face - and realisation hits me. 

Sarek is alive. Spock is alive. It is over. 

My knees start to shake and as the pressure is leaving me I sway. A warm hand is on my arm and McCoy leads me to a chair.  

"Everything will be fine now," he says softly. 

I look up to thank him, but his eyes are on the door. And I realize that he's still waiting for the Captain to come back to Sickbay. 

Sarek and Spock regain consciousness quickly. When they are awake, McCoy runs a tricorder over them one last time, then leaves the room.  In that instant I hear the Captain's voice in the outer room, demanding to know how the operation went, if Spock's all right. 

When McCoy starts teasing him, not giving the answer right away he emphasizes: 

"Bones!"  I go out and tell him to please come inside. I stand between my son and my husband, looking at the Captain. He looks exhausted, his face is pale and sweaty, but he smiles at Spock, relief plainly written over his face.  

While Sarek, Spock and the Captain talk business I wonder. Kirk is not in the best condition himself, but when he came to sickbay he first thing asked for the well-being of Spock. Not Sarek, the Vulcan Ambassador and honoured guest, but Spock. 

Before I can think about that further my ears catch Spock saying:  "I do not understand why I did not think of it earlier." 

The Captain fondly smiles at him. "You may have had something else on your mind." 

Spock raises an eyebrow. "It hardly seems likely." 

Kirk chuckles. "No, but thank you anyway." 

I turn to Sarek. This is my chance to make them at least acknowledge each other. "And you Sarek. Would you also say thank you to your son?" 

No muscle moves in Sarek's face. "I do not understand." 

"For saving your life." 

Sarek looks at Spock. Spock returns the gaze, with an expectant, curious expression on his face.  Sarek's gaze returns to mine.

"Spock acted in the only logical manner open to him. One does not thank logic, Amanda." 

Red Sands of Vulcan! I feel my temper rise again, for the umpteenth time that day.  

"Logic, logic! I'm sick to death of your logic. Do you wanna know how I feel about your logic?"

"Emotional. Isn't she." Spock states calmly behind me. 

Sarek looks at him and nods. "She has always been that way."

Both of Spock's eyebrows disappear behind his hairline at that. "Indeed. Why did you marry her?"

"At the time," says my dear husband, "it seemed the logical thing to do." 

For a split second I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Then Sarek raises his hand, extending two fingers and our bond opens up wide. Love is flooding towards me and  is also written plainly all over his face.

My hand joins his and we touch with fingers, minds and eyes, forgetting everything around us. 

              *** // *** 

The next two days are a peaceful and joyful time for me. Sarek and Captain Kirk have to stay and recover. Spock is released after three hours but spends most of the two days in Sickbay in spite of it.  

Somehow, now he has no problem handing command over to Mr. Scott while he himself is sitting next to his Captain playing chess. When I ask him about that, he states that he helps his Captain relax and recover, as is his duty as first officer. But I see the smile in his eyes. 

Although Spock is spending some time with his father too, most of the time he talks to Kirk. Ships business I presume, though I can't imagine what he possibly could have to report being in Sickbay most of the time. 

It is Kirk that manages to include Sarek and me in their talks. He's telling stories about past missions making sure we acknowledge the merits and achievements of our son. In fact it is amusing how they throw the ball back and forth with conversations like: 

"Spock, I could never have done it without you." 

"That may be, Captain, but if it was not for one your hunches I could not have acted like that."  And so forth.

Sarek opens up more and more towards Spock and though I still wait for them to get some things straight, I am thankful that at least they are talking again. 

I love spending so much quiet time with my husband - and Spock. I watch him a lot out of the corner of my eyes or openly, savouring the looks of him after four years of not seeing him, savouring the sound of his voice after four years of not hearing him. 

And by watching Spock, I watch Kirk too. How couldn't I? They are always close to each other, talking quietly or sticking their heads together over the chess board. 

I see how Kirk's face lights up every time Spock steps into the room. I see the looks they're exchanging. I see how Spock's face softens when he talks to Kirk.  

I notice how often Kirk touches Spock and how Spock seems to lean into that touch. I notice how they complement each other. 

I have a lot time to think over what happened at that first day. I realize, that Spock was not fulfilling his duties for the ship by refusing to leave the bridge while the Captain was in Sickbay, but fulfilling his duties to his Captain and his friend. I know by now  how much the Enterprise means to Kirk, surely Spock knows that even better. 

I also realize that Spock means more to Kirk than the Enterprise. Enough to take command with an easily fatal wound to give Spock the opportunity to save his father's life.

     *** // *** 

It is the middle of the second day. Kirk and Spock are again playing chess. While Sarek sleeps, I watch the two men, one sitting on the bed and one next to it on a chair, as usual.  

Kirk has just called checkmate. He grins his boyish grin and Spock raises an eybrow. Kirk laughs and he holds out a hand to  Spock.  

"Revenge later in my cabin? Bones will release me this evening. Deal?" 

Spock inclines his head and after hesitating only the slightest bit he takes the offered hand for a quick shake. 

"Deal."  I stand up from the chair I am sitting on next to my husband and go to stand in front of Spock and Kirk. Both men rise their heads to look at me simultaneously. 

"I just want you to know that I am happy  for you. You do have my approval." 

One moment both men just stare at me. Then they start to speak - simultaneously. 

"Mother!"

"Mrs. Sarek. What are you talking about?" 

I look from one to the other. 

"I'm sorry for invading your privacy but - from watching the two of you - I assumed that Spock had already made his choice." 

All color leaves Spock's face. He says with a deadly calm voice, "You are mistaken." He turns to Captain Kirk. "Captain, I apologize for my mother." And then, his voice ice, his eyes cold, directed at me again, "You should have learned by now not to speak without having facts to state." He turns around and leaves the room. 

Slowly I drag my eyes back from the door to the face of Captain Kirk. 

He stares at me with an odd expression on his beet red face. 

"I - apologize. Obviously I misread the situation." My voice is very small. "I hope you won't hold that against my son, will you?" 

"No." He swallows. "Mrs. Sarek..."  "Amanda, please." 

"... Amanda. What - choice?" 

"I told Spock that he could choose his - mate himself now."  I feel the colour rise in my face. This sounds so foolish right now. But the captain still has that odd look on his face. 

"Did you really think that Spock and I - I mean, he's my friend, the best friend I ever had, but - how could we - that is - Spock would never ... would he?" he ends helplessly. 

I stare at him. Is that longing on the handsome face? My courage returns. 

"I was certain. I saw the way you looked at each other. You have considered a relationship with my son then?" 

He looks down at his hands. They are shaking only the slightest bit. When he answers, his voice is very quiet. 

"Yes." 

He raises his head to meet my eyes again. This time his voice is more firm. 

"Yes. I have. But I don't think that Spock will. A relationship with me wouldn't be - logical." 

I make a face.

"Why do you think Sarek considered it logical to marry me?" 

He shakes his head. "I wondered about that...." 

I smile.

"If you love someone so much that you want to spend the rest of your life at his or her side, it is only logical to marry, wouldn't you think?" 

He stares at me. Then, slowly a smile spreads over his face. He takes a deep breath.  

"Thank you Amanda. I will do the logical thing and talk to Spock as soon as Bones lets me out of here." 

I too have to breathe deeply.

"Good luck."

                *** // *** 

Spock does not return to Sickbay. I'm not surprised. I embarrassed him, he'll probably be somewhere private, trying to regain his dignity. I hope he won't retreat too far behind his Vulcan walls. It'll be hard for Kirk to reach him there, not having the advantage of a bond to use. 

Two hours later Kirk leaves to find Spock. I wish I could be a fly on the wall. But I have to help Sarek back to our quarters, he is released this evening too - and of course it wouldn't be polite to spy on my own son, wouldn't it?  

Back in our quarters I explain to Sarek with much squirming what happened while he was asleep. I nearly laugh at the dumbfounded expression on his face. Then I see logic taking over. And there it comes. 

"This would be the most logical choice Spock could make. I would - concur."  

"I love you, Sarek." 

His eybrows rise and I laugh and kiss him - it is nobody but us two after all.

                 *** // *** 

An hour later I walk back to my quarters after having one more conversation with Dr. McCoy. He assured me that Sarek is now out of danger and I can go on thinking about other important things. I am so curious. Has the Captain found Spock? Are they together in his quarters now, talking? Has Kirk already convinced Spock? 

I am not at all sleepy. So I decide to go to the observation deck before returning to my cabin. The ship is quiet. I meet only few people on my way there. When I reach the door and step in I find that the room lays dark. The only light comes from the stars outside. The room is all silver and shadows and I decide not to turn the lights on, it is much more peaceful that way and the stars are so beautiful to watch.  I hear a rustling and freeze. Slowly I turn and look. There in the other corner of the room are two people. One is slightly taller than the other. He has both hands on the smaller one's face. 

A mind meld. Spock... and Kirk.  Great LeMatya. They're here! 'Be careful what you wish for...' I don't dare move, breathe. I want to turn invisible instantly. 

I can't take my eyes away from them. 

The meld seems endless, but afterwards I'm quite sure it lasted only few minutes. Then Kirk's arms come up around Spock's waist, drawing him closer, while Spock's hands leave the Captain's meldpoints and start slowly caressing his face instead. I see his slim fingers stroking Kirk's cheek and lips. Kirk's lips open slightly and I see the tip of his tongue dart out to moisten them. 

I too lick my lips. My mouth is so dry it feels like the Vulcan desert. 

Their faces are so close, I know they can feel each other's breath, warm and sweet. As one they lean forward and their lips touch. I hear a sharp intake of breath but I don't know from whom. The two forms melt into each other in the dark and I can't tell them apart any longer. 

They kiss. This kiss lasts much longer than the meld had. I see Spock's hands move over Kirk's back, up to the shoulder blades, over the nape and into the fine hair. Then down again. Now they're squeezing the firm bottom and I hear a soft sound.  

Then a breathless whisper. 

"Spock - to my cabin - now." 

"Yes Jim. Now." 

I press back into the wall, trying to melt into it. 

They leave without noticing me. I doubt they would've noticed a nova if it hit them.

When the door closes behind them, I finally find my breath again. The Captain's logic must've been flawless. 

I stare at the stars. The velvet darkness around me seems to caress my skin. I remember the kiss and the moan. I remember the breathless whisper. The urgency. I shudder.  

Tonight Jim Kirk will learn how it feels to make love to a Vulcan. Tonight Jim Kirk will succumb to hot Vulcan hands on his skin, a hot Vulcan mouth on his sex, and a Vulcan mind making love to his. He propably will learn how it feels to bury himself in dry Vulcan heat or have a hot Vulcan shaft deep inside. He won't ever be the same after that night.  

I sigh. I feel deep satisfaction for my son. I also feel something else entirely.   I think I will go back to our cabin. 

Tonight I don't want to be a mother alone. I am Amanda Grayson, and tonight I'm going to make love to my Vulcan.

The End

My KSOF Challenge: 
"Amanda acts as match-maker"