This is in response to Alara's request for bummer
stories, ones where it *doesn't* come out right in the end. It is drawn from a dream
I had once, many years ago, which left me spaced and disoriented for days afterwards,
because it was as if I had actually lived through this. "To
Lay Me Down..."
<tape begins; sounds of labored breathing, shuttle engines, comm traffic in background> It was more difficult than I expected, to get free of my guards. I did not intend to injure them, but they forced my hand. I have not the strength for niceties, any more. Nor the time... Easy enough, to gain a shuttle and lift off. Nogura's fear of publicity has kept my face off the warning bulletins, though that will change soon enough, I expect. It does not matter, now. I filed the flight plan and clearance on auto; since they did not yet know that I was free, no alarms were sounded. Just one more shuttle among the myriads at Earth. But I am weak; far weaker than I hoped I would be. I do not know if I will be able to finish this. I shall try... I am sorry, t'hy'la. I never wanted to leave you, to face them alone. But they would put me in a cage. They call it a hospital bed, but a cage is what it really is. They can do nothing for me... No. I will see the stars, one more time. Then I will make one last burn, to start re-entry. I have computed it, and navcomp concurs -- it will not take long, to burn up. If I am to die, as it seems I am, then I would die free. I regret only this, that I leave you alone, Jim. I would not do so, had I any choice. But it progressed too fast; I could not wait for you any longer, and still do this. I am sorry... I wish I had been able to trace who did this to us... I could not have done it any better myself. The records were altered so subtly, so well, that I am convicted before I ever came to trial. The humans say that this no longer happens. They lie. They have always lied. Only one here does not, and that is you, t'hy'la... master of my heart... Second-last burn completed. I am in stable orbit now. I set the skinfield for transparency, and I am surrounded by the burning stars. It is well. We were always more at home out here, than on any world our feet might touch. No one planet can hold our spirits... <tape is silent for a time, except for the breathing noises> ...ah... what... I cannot see, I cannot move my left side... An eternity has passed, before I can make my right hand move, to rub at my eyes. It helps a little -- but I can no longer focus on the stars... Stroke, then. McCoy warned me of this. Such a cruel weapon, poison. To know, days before, that you will die, that nothing can be done... I do not understand one who uses such a thing. In any case, it does not matter. It is done. Even Bones cannot help me now. I have one good hand, yet. While I still can, I will punch in my re-entry course, and activate it. Just before burnup this tape will be transmitted to our ship; it will do so even if I cannot move by then. I hope that you will be permitted to hear it, Jim. I am sorry, that I did not have a chance to tell you this in person. I would not change any of what we had, even if I could. You were always the best part of me. goodbye, t'hy'la... <some minims of silence> It is getting warm... Soon, now-- <sound of transporter effect; tape ends shortly thereafter> -----///----- Got to hold on. I can do it. It's almost over. I haven't got much time, now. It won't be much longer until you're gone, and I'm *alone* again. God -- I don't know if I can make it... Damn DeSalle!! He hasn't taken a piss, or turned his back, not *once*. He hardly even blinks; too busy watching you, watching me. Nogura's orders, I suppose -- but dammit, this is *wrong*! You look so small, in that bed, among all that equipment. So pale. So quiet... I can still feel you in my mind, t'hy'la -- but oh, god, your thoughts are so *faint*, now. I can feel you, but I can't *hear* you. Please, please -- just for a moment, open your eyes... Fuck this. I'm going in there if I have to go down DeSalle's throat. It's over for me, anyway -- after what they've done to you, I can't stay in the Fleet anymore. -----///----- I did it!! Bastard couldn't stop me, in the end, unless he wanted to shoot me, and they *can't* do that. Not Jim Kirk, StarFleet's golden boy... They'd never hear the end of that... Fucker. I hope his nose *hurts*. God... your skin is so cold... it's colder than mine, and I'm freezing my ass off. Whose brilliant idea was it to put a dying Vulcan in a cold room? ...here; let me get in here with you; at least I can warm you up a bit... that's better. No-one's washed your hair for you, have they -- hell, I wouldn't put it past them to do that deliberately. You always kept yourself so clean, like a cat. God, Spock -- what's happened to us? <<...oh...>> Yes! That's it; it's me, it's Jim. I *told* you I'd come back, no matter what... <<...jim...?>> Here. Let me put your hand in the right place. Bones told me that you wouldn't be able to move... There. Now let me... <<spock? can you hear me, t'hy'la?>> <<...jim? ...t'hy'la... so *cold*. it *hurts*... make it stop...>> Oh, god -- I can't do this... I *have* to do this. This is all we're going to get. Once I'm out of here they'll probably lock me up and throw away the key. <<spock -- t'hy'la... i'm here; i'm not going to leave you now. i never should have let them take you away>> <<...nothing you could have done...>> Your eyes are open, now -- but can you see me? <<...see you in my mind, jim... never and always...>> <<...touching and touched -- yes. i feel you now. is this what they meant? spock -- we meet, in the appointed place>> <<...jim -- i await thee...>> And now I see it, a quirk of your lip... Your eyes move... Yes! You *can* see me. <<what is it, spock?>> <<...only this, t'hy'la... *remember*. go to seleya... see t'sai... *remember*...>> You can hardly breathe, now -- oh, god, I wish... but there's no *time*. <<spock -- listen...>> <<...???...>> <<i'll do it. i'll go. i'm leaving here, anyway -- without you there's nothing here for me. i promise, t'hy'la, i'll remember. *always*>> I can *feel* it. Something... your fingers are hot, suddenly, against my face; I feel dizzy... There's no air in here, dammit. I broke that window to get in, and there *still* isn't any air... alarms sounding now, on the biobed monitors... <<spock... parted from me, and never parted, never and always, touching and touched. I remember. I will *always* remember. ...master of my heart, forever...>> <<...and thee... of mine, t'hy'la -- forever...>> And just like that, he's gone... and I'm drowning, a black whirpool of emptiness where our bond has always been -- oh, god, spock, wait -- take me with you!! But he can't hear me. And my stupid heart goes on beating, and my stupid lungs go on breathing. He's gone, and I'm really alone... -----///----- For the life of me, I don't remember how I got out of there. Maybe Nogura let me go -- the bastard got what he wanted, he can afford pretensions of mercy, now. Somehow I made it to the spaceport, got clearance for liftoff. Made it to Cochrane's Limit, and still they let me go... Put her into warp, and set course for Vulcan. Where else can I go, now? You spoiled me for humans, t'hy'la... All the way there, I dreamed of you. I'd hear something, and *know* you were walking into the room -- and there was nothing and no-one there. Only me... I keep thinking, if only I can turn my head fast enough, you'll be standing there, aiming one of those eyebrows at me... And I *know* that isn't possible -- and I keep feeling it anyway. Am I going mad, finally? It would be a mercy, compared to this. My heart is nothing but black glass shards... I played the tape you made for me... Sarek met me at the port, took me to their house. Your house. Amanda called me "son"... Tomorrow, I'm going to see T'Sai. I promised, t'hy'la. I meant it. Got a subpoena from Nogura, yesterday. *Now* he's thought of a use for me, the bastard. Too bad. I sent him back a still pic -- just my left hand, flipping him the bird. T'Pau has sent word; I am granted asylum. They can't touch me, now. *but oh, god, i wish i could have brought you here with me... i miss you so, and it just doesn't stop...* Just one more thing I have to do. Just one, and then I can rest. I don't know why you wanted me to go to Seleya, but I promised, and I'm going. But after that -- I'm coming. Wait for me, if you can... master of my heart... "Through this night I wander; it's morning that I dread Author's Note: I was raised to believe that if you dream about dying, and in
the dream you actually die, you will also in reality die. I dreamed this, both
POV's, one summer when I was 16, and staying with my cousins -- and I spent the next three
days walking around like a zombi, kind of pinching myself and marveling that I wasn't dead
after all. For a teenaged Wolf who had spent the previous four years desperately
trying to become Spock, to become Vulcan -- it was a *very* peculiar feeling. |