Rude Person Wambaugh
by Gay-Wolf the Wanderin' <hic!> Wolfie

Ok, ya have to understand, this is a story about a coupla cops. These guys was partners from away back, worked outta South Central at First and later on Hollywood, right? Their names was Jimmy the Nightstick and Long John Spock. Jimmy got his name cause when he had a few drinks in him he'd go up to the ladies an' ask 'em if they wanted ta help him polish his nightstick -- and damn me if it didn't work damn near every time, too. He was a real nice lookin' fella, Irish, too damn cute fer his own good really but hey, that's LA for ya, right?

Spock was called that on account of he had a schlong out to here; scared the shit outta the rookies the first time they seen him in da showers cause it was, well -- green. See his dad was some kinda travelin' Vulcan dildo salesman or some damn thing like that. And he was pretty fine lookin' too, in a serious kinda way -- but the ladies didn't have no luck wid' him, he was a nice guy, went to yeshiva when he was a kid, done what his momma tol' him, all like that. Such a good boy I'm tellink you, oy.

Anyways, these guys was partners for fuckin' ever, got so's they could damn near read each other's minds, ya know? Damn good cops, both of 'em. And one day they was on a pursuit, some skank stoled some rich kid's aircar and lit out for the hills, and our guys was closest when the squawk went out so they grabbed the tag and took off.

Well that skank man, he was some kinda flier. By the time he run that aircar outta juice an' crashed an' burned hisself they was *way* the fuck out in the ass end a nowhere. And wouldn'tcha know it, that damn piece a shit patrol chopper picks then to take a crap. So Jimmy he set it down in one piece, barely, and out they climbs -- and bag me for a piece a shit if the mother of all sandstorms don't start up right then. Man they couldn't win fer losin'. So they turns tail and scoots inta them hills a ways till they can find 'em a cave an' wait out the storm. Cause ya don't wanna be out in one a them things it'll sandblast yer dick right off, if ya know what I mean.

Well that ain't too bad, the wind don't come in there much and they got a few e-rations between 'em, so they hunkers down an' waits. Only after a while, old Spock he don't look so good, and he's feelin' even worse. Got him a boner like a Louisville Slugger and a bellyache to boot, an' all *kindsa* weird shit goin' through his head. On account of because, bein' half Vulcan an' all, it's like, his Time, you know? Well, he's feeling mighty poorly, and Jim's gettin' awful worried. It ain't like Spock ta be pissin' and moanin' -- usually that's Jim's part of the job.

And old Spock, man, he's gettin' to be awful needy, if ya know what I mean. He's lookin' at Jim's arse, and man, it's just lookin' better by the minute. See, ain't a neither one of them boys any kinda pussy-boy -- but shit, when ya got to get some ya got to get some, and right then, old Spock needs some in the worst fuckin' way there is. So he sidles on up to Jimmy, and he says, "Hey there, partner, I'm in a bad way here. You think maybe *I* could polish that there nightstick of yours for a while? And maybe, borrow yer holster while I'm at it? Cause brother I'm about ready to lay me down and die right here, honest ta god."

Well old Jim he ain't too keen on this idea at first. But he's thinkin', and he thinks to himself, well, Spock sure did save my ass a whole lotta times. And he's a damn good partner, and he's all broke in, and I don't haveta all the time be tellin' him what to do and wipe his nose and cover for him; in fact he's covered fer me more'n once when I dipped my stick inta the wrong hole. And he's like to die if *somethin'* don't come up. And pretty soon he's got himself talked inta at least tryin' ta help.

So he takes off his clothes, and Spock does the same. And whoo, old Spock, he gets a look at Jim's ass, and damn me if it don't look just like two fat piglets fightin' over a milk dud and brother, it looks *fine*. And he's gettin' awful hot an' bothered, and Jim says, ok, let's go, partner.

So he lays on down and Spock he lays on top of him, and well shit, if you don't know what they do next brother whatchoo hangin' out in *here* for, get yer ass on over to the little kids' bar. And well, turns out they liked that just *fine*, so after a while, they turns around and they does it again, the other way. And now old Spock he's feelin' pretty good. And Jim too, he might be a bit sore, he's still a happy man. And Spock slaps him, and he likes it. So they have a bit more fun, and pretty soon that sandstorm why she just blows herself clean out. And when they come outside they can hear Dispatch callin' on the squawk-box, so they answers, and pretty soon old Sarge "Doc" McCoy comes out in the chopper to give 'em a ride on home.

Well, old Doc he ain't no fool. He takes one look at them boys and he knows they been playin' Hide the Salami in them bushes, and boy, he just gets madder'n a wet hooker cause he'd noticed Jim's arse a long time ago, and he'd been hopin' ta ask Jim ta polish *his* nightstick. But you know, that's LA for ya, ain't it.

Hey, barbot -- what the fuck's a guy gotta do ta get another drink around here, huh? Ya got a spare fiver for an old ex-cop, mister?

END