TSU: How GW Got Kicked Out of the VSA, Really...

See, here's the deal. A bunch of us wuz bein' silly in email <woo, now there's a surprise, hmm?> and various things came up, like, isn't that finger-nookie thing Vulcans do lots of fun, and whoo, lookie how they snuck that past the ol' network smutcensors! and among 'em was a request, how did I *really* git kicked outta the VSA and off of Vulcan? Well, one thing led to another, and here ye are... Figure, this oughtta be a part of the Offishul Staff Biography, you know?

Greywolf the Wanderer, studiously tryin' to look innocent... and failing, of course!

Mary Ellen Curtin wrote:

No, you don't understand. Spock was a nerd, yes, but on Vulcan that's *cool*. Science Club is the Vulcan equivalent of extra credit shop. He could impress T'Pring and her ditsy friends by making a working communicator out of bobby pins, chewing gum, and a broken child's toy (a Cray, admitedly, but broken).

<GW><and I replied> Ya, ya, oh ya, you got some'ting dere, all right.

<MEC> Stonn was the guy with the flitter up on blocks all the time, parts scattered about the lawn (OK, the sand), but he could never get it to work. And then one day Spock walks by, gets out a credit card to use as a screwdriver, works on it for five minutes, and it runs better than ever.

<GW><puts paws in pockets, whistles, looks innocent> <well, ok, tries to look innocent. Wise-asses.>

<MEC> So why, you may ask, does T'Pring fall for Stonn?

In the first place, Vulcan gossip suggests a connection between the size and protrusion of a man's ears and the size of other external equipment, and Stonn promises to be mightily endowed. In the second place, she thinks it's cute and endearing that he's dumb: "You big galoot." In the third place, Spock never writes, never calls, never sends a message on their Radar Love, but makes big eyes at someone much, much closer (well, that's my addition -- Dirk persists in believing that we're all delusional).

<GW> Yeah, well, see, that was part of the problem. See, Spock's cousin Sevek was *real* cute -- I mean, buns to die for, and oy, the things that kid could do along the lines of nifty Vulcan fingersmut -- whoo, yeah. <pants, gasp>

How do I know? Well, if I told ya that, I'd haveta kill ya, see. So, ah, see, one day this T'Pring broad gets to wondering why her intended isn't over at her house sucking up, and letting her mother hassle him, you know, all that good stuff, eh? So anyhow, after class one day, she follows us -- er, them ;-)> back to Sevek's house.

*Busted*. I mean, *big* time. Sevek got transferred to the Extension school on T'Khut, and a Certain Person got his furry ass shipped offworld, and, er, well, there ya go.

<MEC> Dirk further suggests that Spock might have been a little *too* clever, and put together things that good Vulcan boys aren't supposed to -- a tasp, for instance (a Larry Niven device that stimulates the pleasure center of the brain) -- and had to leave Vulcan "for his health."

<GW> Well, ah, you might say that. But see, then we'd haveta kill ya, you know?

<MEC> Now you know.

ME, Doc Sci >

- - - - - - - - > Good Book of the Day: > "Bonobo: The Forgotten Ape," by Frans de Waal

<GW>Whoo, YEAH!! ;-)>

Well next, Laura Jacquez Valentine wrote:

>> > Oh, so *that's* why you got kicked out of the Academy...silly Wolf.

>> > --laura >>

>> <puts paws in pockets. Whistles. Tries to look innocent...>

>And *utterly* fails, I'm *sure*.

>--laura, envisioning GW being dragged off to the spaceport by some burly Vulcans, trying to fast-talk his way out of the situation and/or bribe them with offers of finger-play

So then, T'Pat popped off with:

Please! I already have visions of flitters and credit cards used as screwdrivers and finger condoms and, oh, Lord, ears being used as a measure of other equipment... And a young Saavik thinking hard of a reason for Plomik soup sailing through corridors at evenly spaced time intervals... How can I go back to star counts, now?

Now all I need is Laura's detailed account of how GW tried to convince the burly Vulcans not to shove him on the first transport off the planet... It was *not* a suggestion...

T'Pat-- 'pparently unable to go back to science, to-day.

So okay. Then, Laura Jacquez Valentine wrote:

Well, T'Pat, I'll tell you what I *heard*. Of course, GW is the *real* authority on what he did with those burly Vulcans, but the scuttlebutt around the Academy these days--having just graduated last May--is that it was *quite* entertaining. As evidenced by the considerable gossip still surrounding the incident.

At any rate, after the whole foul-up, GW was kicked out of the Academy because it turns out that one of Sevek's relatives is on the Board of Trustees and she's pissed that he got shipped away from the main campus. So, although they were just going to transfer the Wolfy One to a small subsidiary campus, they instead ended up tossing him out on his furry arse.

<GW><and I replied> Fuckin' *hurt*, too, lemme tell ya!! Them Vulcans is strong fuckers, man. <rubs the arse in question, looking offended and hurt>

<LJV> Now, GW, not one to take kindly to being tossed out on his arse, which had been ill-used (or well-used, as the case may be) only a short time beforehand, raised holy hell, sitting outside the main administrative building and *howling*. Loud enough to wake the katras living in the Hall of Ancient Wisdom near Gol, who protested quite a good deal about the noise, especially when he started howling to the tune of Terrapin Station. It's not clear why they don't like Terrapin Station, but they don't, and they also claimed they could smell the recreational pharmaceuticals and how could young innocent Vulcans get anything done with all those chemicals in the air?

<GW> Innocent my hairy arse. Shit, who d'ya think *taught* me about Finger Nookie, anyhow. Well, ok -- but shit, don't repeat it or Sarek'll kill *both* of us! ;-)> As for the chemicals, shit, them poor kids desperately needed to Get a Life, and there wuz me, helpin' 'em outta the goodness of my heart <well, ok, and a 15% Dealer's Markup ;-)> Geez. Some folks got NO sense a' humour.

<LJV> Nevermind that the young Vulcans actually liked being mellow and eating snack-cakes; the katras were all stodgy about the whole deal.

<GW> Fuckin'-A yeah they were. Jealous, if ya ask *me*. Can't get no mo' Finger Nookie when yer just a katra, after all. Heh, heh, heh...

<LJV> So the Masters at Gol, also notorious for stodginess, petitioned the Vulcan High Council to kick GW off-planet. He still had a valid student visa, because he was also taking classes at the Vulcan Academy of Alternative Healing, so he'd thought he was safe.

<GW> And I shoulda been, dammit! I paid my bribes. Feh. Vulcan Elders just ain't no damn fun at all. No sirree Bob. Double feh!

<LJV> Now, the High Council has some smart and sassy members, but--unfortunately--the young men GW had engaged in finger-nookie with had disgruntled relatives on the council--that's the problem with Vulcans, they are disturbingly well-connected and send Christmas presents all the way down to their nineteenth cousins fifteen times removed--so nothing could save our poor friend.

<GW> Had me a lotta fun tryin', though!! Mmm, yeah...

<LJV> Except, perhaps, digging in his heels, or claws, or whatever. So the High Council eventually had to send 'round a couple of strapping young men to drag him off to the spaceport and shove him into the shuttle.

They found him hiding out in an alleyway near the tourist quarter, with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and Vulcan Hard Bodies Monthly in the other, naked as a jaybird. Not that they noticed the nakedness--they weren't over-used to furry beings, so they failed to see that little detail until they got him out into the light where *everyone* could see him.

<GW> Sheath is wonderful, man. Hides a multitude of, well, you know ;-)> Woo hoo, let's hear it for canid physiology!!! <scratches himself, grins>

<LJV> But by that time it was too late. They had to catch the shuttle, and GW had given them quite a struggle in that alleyway, what with climbing on their backs and yelling "Go horsey!" and ending up underneath them yelling "Ride me cowboy"...and so what with one thing and another there was quite a crowd, all of whom figured the Wolf had done it again and were snickering behind their hands at the two strapping Vulcan guys.

<GW> Oh baby oh baby, and what a Horsey Ride *that* was. Mmmm, yeah.... <has to adjust himself> Yup. Definitely, one of yer Great Moments in Sports.

<LJV> Now, amid all the struggling and grabbing and slurping (GW is good at slurping), our furry friend had sobered up enough to grasp what was being done to him, and he decided that being reasonable was his best bet for staying on-planet a while longer, until he could straighten the whole mess out.

So he fluttered his big eyes and flashed his big teeth and said, "Boys, no need to *fight* over me. There's enough to go around. Why don't we forget the whole thing and find a nice, private place for some finger-play? I'm very good at it, you know. I can make it good for you."

One of the Vulcan guys was all for this idea, but the other one had just finished his first pon farr and was feeling very faithful to his wife just then, and he begged off and said that GW and the other could just go finger-play by themselves if they wished.

Well, they did wish, and they did, and meanwhile Mr. Faithful To His Wife went and got a few more Faithful To Their Wives types and they snatched up GW as he was having an after finger-play toke and shoved him into the nearest Earth-bound ship they could find. What they did with the non-faithful strapping Vulcan guy I never found out.

<GW> <shudder> 20 years in solitary, cleaning the toilets at Gol. Man, you ever spend any time round a buncha vegetarian ascetics, the kind what don't bathe too often on account of they's meditatin' and all like that? Eww. Talk about *smelly*. Poor Sokal. He didn't deserve it.

*Such* a nice tuchis that boy had, I'm tellink you!! And the things he could do with them fingers o' his -- ooh, babeh, to die for. <happy sigh>

<LJV> Now, GW, that's the way the story goes at the Academy. What say you?

--laura

<GW> Close enuff for jazz, keed. Close enuff for jazz. Statute ain't expired on all of it, so let's just leave it there ;-)>

Greywolf the Wanderer, fondly reminiscing...

And the authors of this are: Greywolf the Wanderer, Laura Jacquez Valentine, Mary Ellen Curtin, and T'Pat <with helpful rude comments by The Peanut Gallery>