Aspects of Vulcan Biology,
for the Non-Vulcan Student of Anatomy

The setting: evening, TSU campus, in the Nyota Uhura Concert Pavilion. The audience is already in place; the gossip vine has informed even the new freshmen that they won't want to miss *this* lecture.

<the curtain rises, and there on stage is the Wolf, resplendent tonight in formal wear -- fluorescent purple boxers, black silk jockstrap, motorcycle jacket and Guinness t-shirt. Oh, and the bandanna, of course, and a joint behind his ear>

<raps a claw on the podium, laughs when the mike squeals> Right, then. <clears throat> Good evening, class. This is the introductory lecture on "Aspects of Vulcan Biology, for the Non-Vulcan Student of Comparative Anatomy". Specifically, tonight, we will focus on reproductive biology.

<rustles, whispers, and several gleeful wolf-whistles from the crowd, as the Wolf unveils an easel which holds a gorgeous full length portrait of a Certain Science Officer clad in black velvet. In the front row, Jungle Kitty, Arachnethe2, and Doctor Science are passing a water-pipe hose back and forth, and eyeing the portrait appreciatively. Behind them Wildcat and sydvick are unsuccessfully trying to supress a bad case of the fidgets. When the Wolf unveils the second easel with matching picture of JTK, Killa faints. Robin revives her, reminding her the best is yet to come. Er, as it were.>

Right, then. Now, as you know, Vulcan and human anatomy is essentially quite similar, especially from the viewpoint of say, a Horta or a Gorn. But there are certain essential differences, and that, dear freinds, is what makes the world go round, isn't it.

<He presses a button on both easel frames, and now both portraits are unclothed. They seem to be looking at one another, and JTK, of course, has his trademark hard-on. Several of the freshmen swoon, and have to be revived.>

Ahem -- ladies, please, do try to contain yourselves. And Cam, if you keep drooling like that the janitor's going to beat you up again. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

<picks up his laser pointer, points to Spock's dick. On the portrait, which it can now be seen is actually a vidscreen, made to look like an easel, this begins to Rise.> Now, the first and for literary purposes one of the most important differences, is the famous Double Ridge, seen here. Opinions as to its origin differ wildly, and none of the current theories really sound better than any of the others. Suffice it to say that those in a position to know <grins very smugly> assure us that this is one of the pleasanter aspects of IDIC, whether in bed, or a hayloft, or a turbolift, or, well, you know. Twice as much fun, ladies and germs, and don't you forget it. We here in the trade refer to this as "more cushion for pushin'". Dr. Science could no doubt give you nomenclature, chapter and verse.

<points a little lower down, and the portrait actually flinches a bit> Wups, sorry about that old chap. Haven't got this dimensional interface thingie tuned quite right yet, I guess. Anyway, here is my own personal favorite difference, the sheath. Takes the place of a foreskin on a human <points to where JTK's would be if he was uncut; now it's the captain's turn to flinch>, and let me tell you, it's ever so much neater out in the field. Everything tucks up nice and discreet in here when not being used, plus there's the handy fact of all those lovely lube glands hidden inside here. Really, I ask you, why would anyone want a simian penis if they could have a canid or Vulcan sheathed one instead? <scratches crotch meditatively, then jumps, remembers he's on stage> Ah, yes. Er, um, well.

<clears throat again, touches a button. Spock appears to turn around, until the portrait is now showing a very tasty set of nice tight Vulcan buns, mmm, yum -- oops, that's right, it's my turn as narrator isn't it. Well, trust me. They're *lovely* buns, all right?>

Now, here is a subtler, but no less important, difference. In both Vulcans and humans, the kidneys are found approximately here and here. <Spock flinches again> Sorry, did that tickle? <fiddles with easel controls, Spock relaxes> OK, that's better. Well anyway. In Vulcan males, there is another set of organs located, here and here, just below and outside the kidneys. These are the chenesi, the primary testes. They are usually inactive, except during the time of the pon farr, when they enlarge and fill with fertile genetic material -- oh, hell, might as well call it semen, it tastes close enough. <smirks again> What humans think of as the balls are actually, in a Vulcan, secondary testes. These are always active; they produce the actual semen that the sperm from the chenesi are carried in at pon farr. Other than during pon farr, Vulcans are infertile, which is why their population is always a bit lower than we really prefer it to be.

The secondary testes are also, as in humans, an erogenous zone in their own right. But the chenesi are an even better erogenous zone. At the proper time, stimulation of these organs is said to be one of the most pleasant sensations a Vulcan can ever experience. <smiles, looks reminiscent and wistful> Oh baby and how! <the picture of Spock is definitely blushing> Oh, stop that, you know you're lovin' every minute of it!

The chenesi can be felt from the outside; they lie just beneath the skin in a pair of hollows, located here <twitch> and here <fidget, twitch> Stand still, man. During pon farr they can be felt as engorged masses; the hollows disappear and become protrusions instead. But at any time, the gentle rubbing of this area with fingers or tongue is much equivalent to the sensations a human male experiences when his prostate gland is stimulated. In other words, *very* enjoyable, indeed! <wipes sweat off his face, grins>

All right you guys, dismissed. Tune in next week for the first installment of the Surak Sutra, otherwise known as 50 ways to Polish Yer Prong. And remember, there's a quiz on Monday, so study the handouts I gave you.

<leans down and whispers to the easels, forgetting the mike is still on> Right-o, we're even, and it's your guys' turn to provide the beer next poker night. Now git outta here, I know what *you* wanna go and do!!

<there are two flashes of light, and suddenly the easels show only empty rooms. The Wolf stretches, scratches his nuts, pulls out the joint from his ear and lights it, sucking down a big drag. Then he saunters off the stage to where JK and Co. are still hanging out, passes them the joint, takes a shot from a flask someone passes him.>

Aaah, thanks, hits the spot, that does. So, chaps, how'd it go? Think I hooked 'em good enough for next week's lecture? <grins wickedly, as the picture starts to fade to black...>



Greywolf the Wanderer
Dean, Dept. of Vulcan Studies
TSU Berkeley Campus
"TSU: Infinite Perversity in Infinite Combination"