Author: Uris
Title : What You Leave Behind (companion piece to Tabula Rasa)
Series: Smallville
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Beta: Athena
Summary:  Clark doubts his future.
Warning: angst
Feedback address:  uris@fateordestiny.com

WHAT YOU LEAVE BEHIND...

(companion piece to Tabula Rasa)

Clark knew that it was wrong to leave Lex without a word, but he wasn't the man that he loved.  Lex needed him more than ever and he ran away.    Clark unpacked his clothes on this warm Saturday in September in the closet and dresser providing by the dorm.   Richard, his roommate, was probably out with his buddies or in the computer science lab.   It was so quiet in the dorms during the weekend.

During the last week, Lex had turned into someone he didn't know.   Clark went to the library to study.   He had promised the globe from his world that he would make plans to conquer the earth.   He didn't know what that entailed.   He wasn't going to conquer the world with terror.   Lex and he talked about history and philosophy all the time.   He went to the history section of the library and started to read a book on the fall of the Soviet Union, learning Lenin and Stalin's mistakes seemed like as good as any place to start.

Lex arrived at the library Sunday evening wearing a gray thermal shirt and woman's ankle length jeans.  God, Lex was beautiful.   His pale skin looked so soft and his blue eyes looked like he had just stopped crying.   Lex may have owned two factories and half a coffee shop, but in his casual clothes he looked quite fragile like all human beings.   It was difficult to tell Lex that there was nothing left to say, but he couldn't pretend to love a man that he no longer knew.

Clark put his head into the books in the libraries, learning history so he could be a better world leader than those who tried to conquer the world before him still frightened of his destiny.

---

Clark drove his mother's car home that Monday evening after his class.   His mother left food in the refrigerator to be reheated since she had a part-time job at Fordman's and wasn't home in the evening.   He supersped to the Talon and Lana served him.   "How are you?" he asked.

"I'm fine," she said.  "How is college?"

"Good," Clark said. 

"It's strange that you're home during the week," Lana said.

"I drove my mom's car home," Clark said.  "I try to come home every weekend to help with chores."

"It's isn't my business, but why did your mother leave her car on campus?" Lana asked.

"Lex has been acting strange since two Saturdays ago and I feel like I no longer know him.   I got a ride to campus with a classmate and Lex had left his Porsche in Metropolis.  My mother drove him to Metropolis to get his car and she was too tired to drive back so I drove the car back after my class.   I'll get my car from Lex's place tonight," Clark said.

"I take it that you're no longer living with Lex," Lana said.

"It was only for weekends.  I was wondering if we could go out as friends," Clark said.  Clark found Lana insipid, but she was nice to look at.  Then, again, Lex was nice to look at and he could carry on a decent conversation.  So his personality changed some was that really so important.

"I don't think so," Lana said.

"New man?" Clark asked.

"Old one.  Pete has been helping around the Talon since Chloe started school.   He might not rescue damsels in distress, but he doesn't disappear without a trace," Lana said. 

"I understand," Clark said.   Clark watched Lex sit down in the back of the Talon and open a book.   He was wearing a blonde wig; it was brushed full and looked like real hair.   He was wearing a touch of makeup, less than Chloe wore but perhaps, more than his mother wore.  Clark looked at him as he sipped his latte.  In that purple (Lex would call it eggplant) sweater and those ladies' designer jeans, anyone that didn't know him would swear he was a woman.  Then, again, most people that knew him wouldn't recognize him.

Lex looked up from his book and smiled at Clark from across the coffee shop.  

Clark stayed where he was sitting.  He didn't want to talk to Lex.   He had nothing to say to him.  As far as he was concerned, Lex was now a stranger.   He could understand the cold, calculating businessman.  He told Richard that Lex had turned into a silly coed, but looking at the seemingly sophisticated woman across the Talon, he wasn't sure.  

After finishing his second latte, Clark finally walked over to Lex.  "I don't understand what you get out of dressing like this."

"I like how I look," Lex said.

"That isn't an answer."  Clark put his hand on Lex's table, causing the table to shake violently and crack although he didn't use even an tenth of his strength.

"I'm not going to fight with you in a public place."  Lex trembled for less than a second, but Clark could see the micro-movement of terror.

"Where would you like to talk?" Clark asked.

"I don't want to talk about it.  I told you how I dress wasn't something that could be negotiated," Lex said.

"I just want to understand why a man would want to dress as a woman," Clark said, quietly enough that the people at the next table wouldn't hear.

"The human mind is a very complicated instrument," Lex said.  "I don't understand why I do half the things that I do.  The short version is that I like how people treat me when they think I am a woman."

"And the long version?" Clark asked, putting his hand on Lex's hand.

"We'll talk in my car," Lex said.

---

Lex put his hands around Clark's large hand.   "It's a warm night.  Would you like to go for a walk?"

"Lex, Alex, I don't even know what to call you," Clark said.

"Alex is fine," Lex said. "Do you think I'm pretty?"

"You're beautiful.   I don't feel I know you anymore."

"We'll talk in the car."  Lex handed Clark the keys.   "We'll go anywhere you want."

"I could drive you to Metropolis.  Mom says that you have a meeting there tomorrow morning," Clark said.

"Sure.  I'm interviewing a software engineer at eleven," Lex said.  "We'll stop at my place and I'll run in and get a change of clothes.  I can't interview him in a sweater and jeans.  I have to keep up appearances."

"I feel like I don't know you anymore." Clark fondled Lex's keys.

"You hurt me a lot when you packed your things without a word."  Lex waited for Clark to open the car's doors.   Lex sat down in the passenger's seat.   "I'm the same person that I've always been."

"You changed and it isn't only your clothes," Clark said.  "Denial isn't a river in Egypt."

"I've had it up to here."  Lex touched the bangs of his wig.  "With my father and his lessons.   I'm going to live my life as I see fit.  Clark, I would like you to be part of my life, but I'm not going to beg."

Clark pulled into Lex's driveway.   He had sold all but two of his cars.  The Ferrari that he gave to Clark was under a tarp beside the driveway.   "You aren't the same man that moved to this town four years ago."

"I hoped that I've grown up some."  Lex ran into the house and returned with his laptop bag five minutes later.

"You changed a lot in the last two weeks."  Clark said as Lex put the bag in the trunk.

"I haven't," Lex said as he put on his seat belt.

"Lex, you have."

"I used to think that my father was right that money was power and you can buy anyone or anything," Lex said.

"And now?"

"Other things seem important.  I sold the expensive cars and brought a house that cost less than one of the three cars that I sold."

"What did you do with the money?" Clark wanted to know how Lex perceived that he changed.

"I invested it in my company.   It went toward purchasing my second factory.  You know all this."

"So what is important to you?"  Clark started down the highway.

"You are important to me.  Clark, I love you.  I've loved you since I set eyes on you."

"I feel like you lied to me for the four years that I've known you."

"We all have our secrets."

Clark didn't how to explain this.  Lex had become a woman in front of him.   This girl that hardly resembled him took his place.  Lex's manner was perfectly feminine and he was so relaxed since he started acting like a girl.   The best that he could tell Lex had been acting for the last four years; this person that fidgeted, chewed gum and giggled was the true Alexander Luthor.  Clark had only lied about his origins with good reason.  Lex had lied about his very nature.  Okay, he had good reason: Lionel Luthor's son had to present a certain image.  He imagined that Lex feared if he didn't maintain that image 24/7 that he would never be able to get it back for his next business meeting.  "So are you going to be able to be the same man you were when you interview this man tomorrow?"

"Probably not?  We all change with each and everyday."

"You can't interview him the way you look now."  Clark knew that Lex would never deliberately embarrass himself.

"I can be cold and calculating in front of my staff.  Just because I don't want to act that way, doesn't mean that I can't."

Clark didn't have much to say.   He didn't feel like a robot, but he didn't want to live with Lex.  Loving Lex seemed like a waste.   Perhaps, Lex didn't change in anyway that was important, but he no longer felt any strong feelings toward Lex.  He wondered if he ever had or if he moved in with him three months ago because it was convenient and Lex wanted his company so badly.

Lex fallen asleep in the passenger seat.  His wig stayed secure like it was his real hair falling in soft waves around his face.   His soft pale skin was really beautiful; his features were feminine.   The closer Clark looked the prettier he seemed.    Clark told himself that he would find a few books on transgender issues at the library or bookstore between his classes tomorrow.  He needed to understand how a man could just become a woman and then again it really wasn't important.

Lex mentioned that he crossdressed a number of times as a kid but it was inside the house for kicks.  How did he know that he could pass for a member of the opposite sex with minimal effort?   He could accept that Lex could see in the mirror that he had the right features, but why did he dress like that didn't any make sense.  It spooked Clark that Lex seemed more natural in his female persona than he ever did in the male one.

When they arrived in Metropolis, Clark woke Lex.  "Alex, you need to take over."

"Could you drive me to a hotel parking lot?" Lex mumbled.

"Which one?"

"Comfort Inn is fine," Lex said.

Clark saw the sign for it up ahead and pulled off the interstate.  "Lex, I rather if you didn't call me."

"I love you," Lex mumbled.

" I have nothing left to say to you.   I look at you and I wonder if I ever knew you at all."

"All I've changed is the outside.   I'm more relaxed and accept my own nature.   The inside hasn't changed," Lex explained.  "In college, I used drugs and alcohol to be spontaneous and silly.  I learned a couple of weeks ago that I could be happy without chemicals."

"I'm happy for you."

"It sounds like you rather I be repressed and miserable."

"Why did it take you four years to discover this?"

"I didn't know that I could find peace without a bottle.  I was a great believer in better living through chemistry.  That Saturday when I put on the wig and falsies all I wanted was to be someone else for a couple of hours.  I didn't expect to find myself."

"Find yourself."

"I dressed up for a few minutes at a time before as a kick.  I liked looking at a girl in the mirror, but I never did it in public.  I never thought of it as a life choice."

"Why go out in public like that?"

"I felt like I needed to be someone else and drinking myself to oblivion never helped before.  I have a high alcohol tolerance and low body mass, not a good combination," Lex explained.  "Helen wasn't the only intern sentenced to watch me."

"I understand that you wanted to be someone else that morning," Clark said.  "I wanted to be someone else, too."

"I can no longer run from who I am.   I have to live with me the rest of my life.  I don't expect you to understand."

Clark pulled into the lot and opened the car door, leaving the keys in the ignition.  He was gone.  In moments, he was at the university.  He walked to his dorm at normal speed.  Richard had left a note that he was moving to another dorm.   There was another note from the RA stating that he needed to pack his things because he would be moving into a triple so two upperclassmen could use the room.  Clark looked at the note from the RA and he wouldn't need to move until Saturday.  He would get it done tomorrow because he didn't put things off any longer than necessary.

---

Clark supersped home Wednesday evening.  Tuesday, he was too busy moving then working with the school paper to go home.  His mother was in the kitchen when he arrived home.  "Hi," Clark said.

"Are you still feeling like a machine?" his mother asked.

"I talked to Lex and he was talking about better living through chemistry.  I guess feeling like a machine is a fairly human feeling." Clark smiled at his mother.

"Are you going to move back with him?" she asked.

"No." 

"How do you feel about what we talked about?"  Martha took the sheet of cookies out of the oven and put another sheet in.

"I feel more alien that ever.  People don't fly.  I started reading history in my spare time between classes.  I don't understand human behavior.  Jorel is right about humans being a flawed race."  Clark put the cookies on a cooling rack.

"We have our problems." 

"I don't know if I want to lead the world."  Clark ate a hot cookie.

"You don't have to decide that now.  What did the program tell you?"  Martha put the last of the cookie dough on the sheet.

"To learn about how the world works."  Clark ate another cookie.

"Keep reading and doing your class work.  Try to make friends on campus."

"How do I deal with being an alien?" 

"As you always have."

"The more I learn, the more I realize how different I am from everyone else.  I looked at Lex sleeping in his car and he seemed so fragile, like he would shatter like glass."

"What did he say?"

"That he didn't want to live through chemistry.  He wanted to find his happiness within."

"That sounds like a fairly strong statement."

"It wasn't what he said.   He looked so beautiful and delicate, like a rose.  I realized that I could kill him in a moment of anger.   I was so angry with him that I hit a table.   The table trembled and I didn't use even a tenth of my strength.  If I hit him, I would have killed him.  I feel like a monster."

"Clark, did you hurt him?"

"The table shook a bit, but no one was hurt.  I would never hurt anyone.  The point is that I could rob banks, kill people and no one could stop me."

"But you don't."

"What would be the point?   Why should I rule the world?  I'm so much smarter and stronger than everyone else.  Mom, it all seems so pointless."

"So what are you going to do?"

"Continue my education and help people when I can."  What else was he going to do?  He had to live on his world.  There was nowhere else to go.

"You still want to be a journalist."

"There is more power in the written word than in all my muscles."  Clark knew the power that books had.  Books lived long after a person died.  The written word was read by millions in the papers and on the Internet.  Important news was told over CNN to billions, but it was first collected by journalists.

Martha put her hand on his arm.  "Things will get better."

"I had no interest in being with Lex and I thought I loved him."  Lex had made him so happy last summer and now the feelings were gone.  Lex hasn't been acting like himself lately, but if Clark loved him, he would have seen him through it.  "I thought it was right with Lana and then Lex.  What if it is never right?"

"I dated half a dozen men before marrying your father.  You're nineteen.  Most boys, your age, date a different girl each week."

"Mom, they don't have my issues."

"Lex loves you despite those issues.  Someone else will feel the same way."

"How will I know who to share my secrets with?"

"You knew Lana couldn't handle them.  You'll know."

"Lex could use my secrets against me."

"You didn't tell him them.  He learned them on his own.   All you did was confirm his suspicions.   Clark, as you get older, you'll learn how to hide them better."

"I need a way to rescue people without letting them know that I'm Clark Kent.  Too many people have threatened you and dad because of me."  Clark worried about his parents.   He was invulnerable, but his parents weren't.  

"A costume," Martha teased.

"Great idea," Clark said.

"I'll get right on it."  Martha kissed his cheek.

"Maybe I should start wearing glasses.  If people see me as this nerdy college kid carrying a half dozen books, they'll never think I rescue people as a hobby." 

"Especially, if you drop the books frequently."

"Great cover, Mom."  Clark kissed her forehead then filled a plate with cookies.  

END