Tomorrow is Yesterday

Author: Jinx

Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Clark/Lex

Rating: PG (How the hell did that happen?) And no sex?! (Boys! Why did you forsake me?!  Oh!  Sequel?  Well, okay.  We’ll see.)
Series: No, but…

Summary: Putting off for tomorrow makes regrets for yesterday.

Beta:  Thanks to HC—you rule!

Date: September 29, 2003

TOMORROW IS YESTERDAY

Lex sat behind his desk in his office on the top floor of LexCorp Towers and turned his chair to face the window, contemplating the city before him.  His left hand held the tall glass of orange juice, his mid-afternoon drink of choice, while the fingers of his other hand thrummed absently on a knee.

The sky was overcast and rain was drizzling down – grey sky, grey day, making the city’s concrete that much grayer.  It was a perfect day for his current mood.

In all honesty, he should be happy.  He should be thrilled.  He should be ecstatic beyond belief because yesterday… yesterday was the day that Clark finally told him the truth.  The full-on, total truth – about his heritage, his powers, everything.  That alone should have had Lex grinning from ear to ear, finally proved correct after all these years.  Or at the very least, smirking like a child with a secret – ‘I know something you don’t know,’ singing in his mind.

Instead, he sat alone in his darkened office, watching the mist come down, but not really seeing it.  His brain decided today was the day to replay every single bold-faced lie that Clark had told him during their years in Smallville.  There were two scenes that refused to stop repeating – the time in which Lex told Clark about the farmer seeing a spaceship land during the meteor storm and the other time when Lex spoke of his belief in the possibilities of aliens.  And both times Clark looked Lex in the eye and laughed at him, scoffed at his ideas, making him feel like a complete idiot. 

When all this time…

He should be angry.  The Lex a few years ago might have been.  The Lex a few years ago would have probably been downing his father’s finest single malt.  Or, at the very least, he would have been slamming his one hundred year old brandy; alternating drinking and smashing said alcohol either against the far wall or at the floor-to-ceiling bay windows that Lex was currently brooding out of.

But that was the Lex of a few years ago.  The Lex now, this ‘new’ Lex, was a little less hot-tempered.  But, unfortunately, no less hurt.  It was the hurt that had him moping this day, sitting solitary in his office. 

He felt he should be angry, knowing all this time that he’d been right.  But when it came right down to it… it was the betrayal and lack of trust from his friend that hurt the most.

Lex snorted quietly to himself and shifted just a bit in his leather chair, swallowing another mouthful of orange juice.  He leaned his head back against the soft leather and focused on the rain. 

After several minutes, he blinked heavily when his eyes registered a flannel-clad figure floating outside his window.

He sighed.

Just what he didn’t need.

“What do you want?” Lex inquired without malice.  He was too tired, too resigned to care about anything anymore.  He didn’t care if Clark could hear him or not, though he was pretty positive that Clark would be able to hear him through the extremely thick glass. 

Light green eyes stared beseechingly though the window at Lex, silently begging.  For forgiveness, most likely, but there was something else, too.  Something that Lex purposely tried to ignore.  It was the same look that Lex remembered trying to hide from his own face every time he and Clark managed to be in the same room.  It was a look of longing.  Want.  Need.  Lust.  L – the ‘other’ L-word.

“What?” Lex asked again, leaning forward, sliding his crossed leg over his knee to land heel-hard on the floor. 

Clark looked towards the other window, where there was a balcony, silently asking to be let in.

Lex sighed and considered turning his back and leaving altogether.  It wasn’t as if Clark couldn’t smash his way in if he wanted to, but Lex knew that Clark would never do that, too much of the good-Kansas-farm boy bred into him. 

After a moment, he found himself slowly standing and moving towards the door.  While his mind truly didn’t want to deal with an angsty-Clark, his heart overruled him as it always did when it came to Clark and forced his feet to let the drowning, hovering alien inside the building… fifty-three floors up from the city below.

Lex mentally shook his head at the thought.

Not waiting as to whether Clark would float in or not, Lex turned back to his chair after unlocking the door.  He sat and turned his back to the balcony entrance, continuing his meditation on the falling rain.

“Lex?” Clark’s soft voice drifted in from the far side of the room.

Lex refused to answer.  He was not about to fall for the desperation in Clark’s voice.  Not again, damn it.

“Lex, I’m sorry.”  The voice was closer, but Lex refused to move… refused to show that he was even listening.

“Please, Lex.  Talk to me.”  When Lex refused to speak, Clark continued, “I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to tell you.  I just…” Lex heard the wet cotton shift as though Clark had shrugged. 

“Decided to make a fool of me instead?” Lex finished Clark’s sentence, looking hard at the younger man behind him in the reflection of the window.

“No, Lex!” Clark practically shouted.  He sighed and Lex could see him drop his head before continuing.

“No.  I… my parents were just so afraid.  They always told me to be careful of what I did, who I talked to.  You know that they never even let me play sports.  Hell, Lex,” Clark’s voice rose just a bit.  “They were so afraid that they never even let me celebrate my birthday with my friends.  Not once.”

It was silent in the office except for their breathing and the periodic sounds of drops of water falling off of Clark. 

“I’m sorry, Clark.  I’m sorry that your parents made you hide who you are, and I’m sorry that you had to grow up afraid all the time.  But,” Lex turned and looked at Clark for the first time since letting him in.  “You were so busy living in fear that you…” Lex cut himself off.  He was frustrated – between being lied to for all these years and the fact that that bigoted, small-minded, hypocritical, platitude-spouting asshole, Jonathan Kent crept into this conversation… Lex sighed and stopped mid-sentence.  Shaking his head, Lex snapped, “Forget it.”

He turned back to the window.

“No, you’re right, Lex.” Clark sighed and Lex heard the chair across from his desk slide across the carpet.  He absently thought that he would have to get the chair reupholstered – Clark was ruining it as he sat his wet-self onto the fine leather. 

Clark sighed again.  “You’re right.  Looking back, they kept me in check through fear.  Making me afraid that if I did or said the wrong thing, someone would come and take me away from them.”

Lex rolled his eyes, thankful that Clark couldn’t see it.  “And of course who better to fear than the evil Lex Luthor who, just like his father, would not hesitate to toss the alien on a laboratory table and dissect the hell out of it.”  Lex heard Clark’s sharp inhalation, but did not stop.  “Even if said alien happened to have been my best friend.  That would, of course, not stop the evil, horrible Lex Luthor.”

 “Lex, stop it.”

Lex swiveled and leaned forward, glaring at Clark across the polished oak.  “’Stop’ what?  Stop telling the truth?  Because you know that was the truth, Clark, wasn’t it?  At least I think that’s the truth, considering I don’t know anything about that particular word.  Being a Luthor and all.”

He paused long enough to see the effects his words were having on Clark, but refused to let the shocked sadness sitting across from him stop him. 

He was on a roll, damn it!

“At least someone around here tells the truth.  That’s exactly what you and your family thought, isn’t it?  I could just get my equally-as-evil father to pull the adoption that he himself set up and I could secret you away to Cadmus Labs and dissect the alien farm boy.  Right?”

Not waiting for an answer, Lex got up and made his way to his bar.  He grabbed the scotch intent on foregoing his no-drinking-at-work policy when Clark intercepted him, standing before him with worry and fear as well as a great deal of determination in his eyes.

“Yes,” Clark answered.

Lex took a step back, eyes wide in mock-shock.  “What?  The truth two days in a row?  I’m impressed.”

Ignoring Lex’s sarcasm, Clark continued, “Yes.  That’s exactly what my parents thought and that’s exactly what they pounded into me since the day they found me.  But I was just a kid, Lex.  I didn’t want to be taken away any more than they wanted me taken away.”

Softening his voice, wanting nothing more than for Lex to understand, Clark continued, “But as much as they tried to warn me away from you, you have to understand, it wasn’t just you, it was everyone.  I wasn’t allowed to let anyone know.  Including Chloe and…” Clark stopped and suddenly looked guilty.

 “’Chloe and…,’ Clark?” Lex raised an eyebrow, though he already suspected the answer. 

Clark began to fidget because he knew if Lex found out that Pete knew about Clark since his sophomore year of high school, it would just make Lex that much more angry.  But, he had to be honest… wanted to be honest, and the only thing that would make this right would be…

“Pete,” Clark answered.  “At first,” he amended.

“’At first’?” Lex asked.  “So, they already know?”

Clark couldn’t deny it.  “Yes.  Well, Pete does.  Chloe doesn’t.”

The anger that had been evident only a few moments ago was completely gone.  Instead, Lex stood like a defeated man, resigned to the fact that the one person he let himself trust since his mother was no better than the rest of the fucking world.  “Ah.  Well, I suppose that if anyone were to know, it would be your best friend.”  This was the second time that Lex removed himself from Clark’s list of ‘best friends’.  It was clear that Lex didn’t feel as though Clark thought of him as a best friend anymore.  

If he ever did.

Oh, and that hurt. 

Clark couldn’t even begin to keep the hurt from his eyes.  He had always thought of Chloe, Pete and Lex as his best friends: one no more special than the other.  Well, not until Lex came along.  But, how was Lex supposed to know?  Clark realized.

Clark never really acted like Lex was his best friend – using him to do stuff for his friends, accusing him of every bad thing his father thought the Luthor’s were responsible for regardless of Lex’s actions to the contrary.

Lex began walking away, and Clark realized he had to say something or risk losing Lex forever. 

“I didn’t really have a choice, Lex,” Clark said to the retreating back.

“No, of course not,” Lex answered quietly, sitting himself down in his leather chair behind his desk and turning it around to look out the window – mimicking his posture prior to Clark’s arrival.

Clark moved to stand behind Lex, meeting his eyes in the reflective window.  “I didn’t.  He found the spaceship in a field that fall after the big tornado and was going to tell the media.  I had no other choice.”

Lex averted his eyes and remained silent. 

The room remained silent and very uncomfortable for several long minutes; the air thick and heavy with tension.

Several moments later, Clark couldn’t take it anymore and blurted, “Please, Lex, say something… anything.  I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean to lie to you.”  At Lex’s snort, Clark amended, “I didn’t want to lie to you.  I’m so sorry for everything.  I just…” Clark sagged back onto the desk, head hung dejectedly.

After several minutes, Lex asked quietly, “Why?”

Clark looked up, hoping that he would see Lex’s reflected eyes in the window, but didn’t.  “Why what?”

“Why did you even bother to tell me?”

Clark sighed.  He supposed it was time to put everything on the table once and for all.  Taking a deep breath, Clark looked up.  “I was about half way through college, when I realized that this secret that I’ve been hiding wasn’t my parents.  Even though they acted like it was, it wasn’t.  It was mine.  Mine alone.  That was when I made the decision to tell you. 

 “Once I made the decision, I would wake up everyday determined that today was the day I would tell you everything.  But, each time, when I saw you, I would get scared and tell myself that I could wait until tomorrow.  I mean… I was just putting it off one day.  What would one day make?  But tomorrow became yesterday… over and over again.  Every single day I convinced myself I’d tell you, tomorrow became regret for yesterday.  By my senior year, last year, I realized I had wasted two years of tomorrows.”

Clark stopped, hoping he would catch Lex’s eye in the window, but Lex had dropped his eyes, looking either down on the city or in his lap.  Either way, Clark couldn’t tell what Lex was thinking about his confession.

Hitching his breath, Clark decided to continue.  “I didn’t want another tomorrow to go by, Lex.  I owe you too much.  I…” Clark gulped in a deep breath and stuttered quietly.  “I l-love you t-too much.”

It was Lex’s turn to gasp.  Clark watched hopefully as Lex’s hairless dome tilted and their eyes met in the window.

They stared at each other, but Lex wouldn’t say anything, which was scaring Clark to death.

Finally, Clark couldn’t take the silence anymore.  “Lex.  I’m so sorry,” Clark began. “Please say something.  Yell at me or…” Clark was moving around Lex’s chair and stopped mid-sentence when he was finally face-to-face with Lex. 

The sight before him shocked Clark into silence.  There, in front of him, sitting a bit slumped in his leather chair, was Lex, silent tears sliding down his pale cheeks.

Shocked by the sight, Clark was convinced that he’d hurt Lex beyond all reason.  Dropping to his knees, Clark wrapped his arms around Lex’s waist and buried his head in Lex’s lap.  “Oh fuck, Lex.  I am so sorry.  Please don’t cry.  Please don’t hate me.  I’m sorry I never told you.  I’m sorry that I love you.  I…”

Clark’s ramblings abruptly stopped when he felt Lex’s fingers in his hair.  Convinced he was dreaming, Clark tried to raise his head but was stopped by the pressure of Lex’s fingers.

“I’m not sorry, Clark,” Lex’s rough voice croaked.  “I could never be sorry that you love me.  I’ve loved you for a long time.”

Clark did lift his head this time, despite the insistent fingers.  Eyes wide, Clark blinked at Lex.  “Y-you love me?”

Lex nodded.  “For a long time.  Why do you think it hurts so much when you lie to me?”

Clark was unable to bear the pain in the steel-blue eyes and dropped his head back into Lex’s lap.  “I’m so sorry, Lex,” Clark repeated over and over, hating himself for the pain he had caused.  Hating his parents for the pain they made him cause.

Finally, Clark looked up and stared straight into Lex’s eyes.  “Never again, Lex.  I swear.  I’ll never make you hurt this way again… ever.  I’ll never let tomorrow turn into yesterday.  Not with you.  I promise.”

Lex stared back, judging the sincerity of Clark’s words and knew that for the first time in his life he could trust Clark his words. 

Tomorrow is NOT Yesterday.

The End