Title: Fruits of Labor
Authors: Kat Reitz & tzigane
Email: kreitz@cox.net and tzigane@wufeinomiko.org
Rating: NC-17
Challenge: Children - Adults
Summary: Alien parenthood is hell.  Even after they're grown.

"But Kon did it, Daddy!"

How many times in his life had an argument started that way? More than Clark could really remember. It made his head ache, and it made him *really* glad that Lex was the one who always dealt with Lara.

Dealing with Conner -- Kon El -- whatever -- was a whole different ball of wax.

In fact, it was two or three balls of wax, and what was it about having one grown child and one on the verge of being grown that made things such a pain in the ass?

Particularly when they were both so much like their father. Other father. The not-him father.

And why did the arguments always start when Lex was working late? It was like Lara *knew* she could pull the wool over 'Daddy', but not 'Father'.

"So if he did it, why can't I?"

"Because your father wants you to stay close to home for a little while longer, honey." That was a good answer on Clark's part, and mostly true. They'd let Kon go kind of soon, and even if there *was* five years between them... Well, now Clark knew how his mother had felt. Empty nest syndrome wasn't any fun.

He had no idea how Lex was going to cope with letting Lara go. After all, he and Clark had been juggling work, Superman, sex and kids for over twenty-four years. If Lex had free time again, he might end up making doomsday devices, or causing trouble.

Or he might get involved in politics, which was scarier than laser-laden doom.

"But I just want to go to *college*. I have all my credits, Daddy! I don't *need* to be here all this year. I'm almost seventeen, and I can drive my own car, and --"

"And, your father and I just aren't ready to let you go that far away, honey. If you were going to Met U, that would be one thing, but... Agnes Scott? Atlanta is a long way from Metropolis, Lara El." Clark sounded frustrated, and that was no big surprise. Lara probably could have gone to college at fourteen the way that Kon had, but...

Well, Clark just couldn't let go of her yet. He *couldn't*. Kon had gone off to Harvard and he was all grown up now, or at least he thought he was. When had almost twenty-three suddenly meant that his baby boy, the fruit of his loins, was *grown*? Not just grown, but occasionally thought that he was the boss.

Clark wondered if his own parents had ever thought any of that about him. Of course, at twenty-three, he had been living with Lex, working at the Planet, and he was in his third year of being Superman.

He wasn't going to *think* about Tim, and he wasn't contemplating just how close Harvard was to Gotham, *or* Wellesley, *or* what his son was doing about that girl that he and Tim were both seeing on the side.

When had his kids grown up to be irresponsible rule breakers??

Oh. Right. Back to their other parent again.

Clark just wasn't ready for his *baby* to go halfway across the country. Not yet. She was only sixteen!

"I just want to *go*! You let Kon go a~all the way to Harvard. And Father went to college when he was my age." Never mind that Lex had gone to college and done *horrible* things. Things Clark never wanted his little girl doing. Clark hoped that Kon had only done half of those things.

"It looks like the perfect school, Daddy, all the classes I want to take..."

"But sweetheart..."

There was just no way to make her understand, so he decided to go ahead and pull the last card. "You'll just have to talk to your father, Lara. That's all there is to it. I don't want you going, but you can see what *he* has to say."

Lex had better say no. He would if he knew what was good for him! If he wanted not to sleep on the sofa for the next decade. Not that Clark wanted Lex sleeping on the sofa, because then he wouldn't have kids around or Lex.

"Fine. I *will* ask him," Lara huffed, spinning away from Clark. "I'll just wait for him to get home, and he'll say yes. He has to."

'He HAS to'? That didn't sound good. "Lara," Clark said patiently, "*why* does your father have to say yes?"

"Uhm..." Lara eyed Clark. She looked a lot like Lex did when he was weighing whether to stall, pretend plausible deniability, or lie. "I can't say. It's a secret."

"Lara El Kent-Luthor," Clark said slowly, Superman taking over in one of those scary parental moments that he sometimes had. He couldn't help it. "What have you done?"

"I accidentally read Father's e-mail..." Lara looked at Clark hopefully. So, blackmail?

"Lara!" Clark shouldn't be shocked. His children were half Luthor, after all, so they were inclined to doing sneaky things that he'd really *tried* to keep them from doing.

Dammit.

"He knows," Lara blurted like it was going to make it okay. "He just doesn't want me to tell you what he -- er. I can't tell you."

"You had *better* tell me, Lara El. You aren't too old for spanking, yet!" Never mind that he had always let Lex be the disciplinarian. It obviously hadn't done any good.

Lex was good at stopping a kid in their tracks with raw fear for about thirty seconds. And subtly embarrassing them, or threatening people. But long term discipline, no, Lex was a failure at that. Lara had her father wrapped around her fingers. "No, because you two will just fight about it."

Twitch. Twitching. In his temple. He could feel it. Why had his kids been so much easier when they were *small*?? "If you don't tell me *right* now, Lara, I swear, I'm going to call your father, and it isn't going to matter *what* he's doing, we're going to fight anyway!"

"If I tell you, can I skip my senior year?"

Blackmail.

Clark wasn't Superman for nothing. He was forty-*eight*. He was the lover of Alexander Joseph Luthor. He had reluctantly borne two children before demanding birth control from the AI that ran his fortress.

"I'm calling Your Father," he announced firmly.

"Kon's coming for a visit," she blurted.

What was so bad about *that*? There wasn't anything *bad* about seeing his oldest child, the fruit of his loins, who... oh. No. "He isn't bring Tim and That Girl, is he?" Clark asked.

"Uh-huh. And, uh, father thinks the girl's probably pregnant? He wasn't sure, and I'm not supposed to tell you..." Except that she was already telling, because Clark had threatened her with Being Punished.

"Oh, my GOD." Never mind that ordinary sperm and Kryptonian reproductive systems didn't communicate. Anything could, and would, happen. After all, Kon was half mutated human, so maybe that made it possible, and oh, if he'd been sleeping with That Girl with *Tim*, then the sun alone knew who it belonged to, and what if she wasn't a trustworthy kind of girl? "I think I need to go lie down."

"See, I knew you didn't *want* to know," Lara told him, a tiny bit smugly.

He was maybe going to be a grandfather? No, of course he didn't want to know that! It was right up there with being told that his 'tubes' were still fully functional and that *he* was pregnant.

And worst of all was the fact that *Lex hadn't told him*.

They were supposed to be *honest* with one another. After the fiasco that had been Clark's last four years of high school and the complete mess the two of them had nearly made of *everything*, they had promised. And Lex had held something back from him.

Well, Clark was sure as hell going to be holding something back from *Lex* for a while.

"Daddy...?" Lara was eyeing him with concern now. "Should I... call Father?"

"Your father is going to be sleeping on the couch for the rest of his natural life."

Lara cleared her throat. She wasn't sure what to make of them when they were arguing or going to argue, but she'd always known one thing -- to get the hell out of Dodge. "I'll... be on my computer. Night!"

Night. Ha.

Maybe *he* had better call Lex. In fact, that was just what he was going to do. He was going to *call* his lover and he was going to raise hell. How DARE Lex not tell him about Kon knocking up some girl!?

Yeah. Preempt Lex on the phone. Lex was... smooth in person, smooth enough to soothe down Clark's anger if Clark confronted him in person. So the phone was best, and it only took a speed dialing to ring up Lex's cell phone.

~"Speaking."~

"What do you *mean* not telling me that Conner's coming home!? And what is this about *pregnant*!?" Clark yelled. He would have stomped his foot, but they had a lovely floor, and he didn't want to have to fix it. Beautifully kept oak flooring like that was worth containing his anger to preserve.

~"Good evening to you, too, Clark. Have you been reading my mail?"~

"Oh, no. Not *me*," Clark announced, "but your sneaky *daughter* has been confessing a lot of things tonight!"

Clark could hear a car horn honking, and the faint purr of an engine. Lex was on his way home, which meant he'd probably stall until he was in the front door. Dammit. ~"Really. Well, Conner wanted it to be a surprise that he was coming home, because he had a 'surprise' to share. I only speculated..."~

"So nobody's knocked up?" If that was the case, Lex could come to bed sometime next week instead of next century. "You're *sure*?"

~"I'm not sure, actually. I was just thinking of the worst case. I remember when I was that age... And Conner is as reckless as *you* were. For all I know, his surprise is that he made the Dean's list. Who the hell knows."~ The *next* horn honk was from Lex's Audi, and was that the sound of tires squealing? Yes.

"Lex, watch where you're going," Clark told him sharply. "Hang up the phone and drive. We can discuss this when you get home." And in the meantime, Clark wasn't afraid to go nosing around in Lex's e-mail for himself. So there.

~"It doesn't sound like we're going to be discussing it so much as I'm going to be yelled at,"~ Lex noted wryly. ~"I'll be home in a few. Do you want me to pick anything up?"~

SuperKryptonian powered birth control to slip their son? Or maybe just something to make Clark feel a little better. Clark sighed. "We'll order pizza. I'll do that now. And Lara wants to go to college in *Georgia*, so we're going to need to talk about that, too."

~"Tell me that it's in Atlanta, Clark. Tell me that. I'm not having our daughter in some backwoods podunk hellhole. She won't know what to do without a coffee shop on every block."~

"Did you not *hear* me? I know you aren't going deaf, Lex. She wants to go to *college*. Early. Like Conner. I'm not having it, Lex!"

~"I'm not going to give a yes or a no until you tell me where the school is. We'll talk about it when I get home -- order that pizza? No pineapple. Love you."~

"Love you," Clark grumbled back, already sulking.

He really *liked* pineapple.

~~~~~

Lex was a master.

He'd known that when they'd finally gotten together, but he hadn't fully weighed the consequences of settling down with a man who was master of his domain, or at least master manipulator of it. He wasn't mean or back-stabbing about it, but he managed to deftly delay talking about Conner all through dinner, and through dishwashing, and now it was bedtime.

Clark hated discussing things with Lex in bed, because all it would take was one perfect touch, and he'd lose his train of thought. His secret weapon didn't work in the dark, when Lex couldn't *see* him pout.

Dammit.

"You're staying over there," Clark asserted, putting one big pillow between them. "We have to talk about this."

Lex sighed as he laid out beside the pillow, leaning back against the headboard. "You don't have to go to such drastic measures, Clark -- I'll talk."

"I *do* have to go that far," Clark declared. "It's impossible to talk to you when you're..." Yeah. That was what had gotten them Lara, actually. "Why didn't you *tell* me that Kon was coming home?"

"Because he specifically mailed me," Lex started, already building up layers of smoothness in his voice. Then he twisted to look at Clark, expression pointedly fixed on Clark's face. "And he said that I was supposed to keep it a surprise."

Clark couldn't help it. He honestly couldn't. He could *feel* his lower lip poke out in the start of a pout. "Why is it that they always tell *you* these things? Am I such a bad father?"

"Clark..." Lex shifted, sliding a hand underneath the pillow to reach for Clark's side. "You're a great father. You're better at it than I am."

"Then why do they go to *you* about these things?" Clark wailed, pulling his pillow over his head. It wasn't like he couldn't breathe just fine that way.

Lex shifted, and just like that the pillow between them had been tossed onto the bed and Lex was plastering himself to Clark's side. "Because I'm a pushover."

"You are *not*," Clark declared, the sound muffled beneath his pillow. "You're a closet megalomaniac, Lex. You rule the business world of Metropolis with an iron hand."

"Then why do our kids have me eating out of their hands?" Lex countered. "And you! You're just as bad."

"You don't eat out of my hands!" Clark denied, pulling his head out from under the pillow. Lex was close, really close.

"Of course I do." Lex leaned in, hovering seconds away from stealing a kiss. "It's why I never really gave up on you. You had me hooked. And our kids took that gene from you."

"But Lex..." Clark sighed. Oh, hell. Lex's kisses just got better the longer they were together. Dammit. "Hm. You could have mentioned it."

"I thought he wanted to surprise you. There's no point in trying to surprise me. I'd feel the need to have him cavity searched or something equally unacceptable." Soft, slow kisses, distracting him while Lex insinuated himself on top of Clark.

"Mmmm." Clark was officially distracted. "Told you drugs don't affect any of us," he sighed, squirming beneath Lex slowly. That felt... remarkably good, actually. And it *had* been a really long time since they did it quite this way. And surely he wasn't fertile anymore...

Hadn't been in years. God. How long had it been since he'd been on the bottom? Or since either of them hadn't been exhausted between running or saving the city, or parenting Lara. "They affect me, and since he's half me, I beg to differ." For his squirm, Clark got a slow press, Lex's hard-on tenting his boxers before he dipped his hips against Clark's.

The absurd urge to squeak out 'yay!' was just wrong. "You worry too much," Clark sighed, reaching down to tug at the elastic waistband clinging to Lex's ass. He had a really nice body for being fifty-two. There were so many advantages to Kryptonite mutations, Clark decided, and nipped at his shoulder.

"Mmhm, I like to think that I'm skilled at it. It's a finely honed instinct, right up there with paranoia..." Lex exhaled against Clark's hair, fingers creeping under Clark's t-shirt. Oh, for the carefree days of sleeping in the nude without fear that anyone was going to be waltzing in.

Maybe they should take a vacation. Antarctica was really nice this time of year, and if Lara went with them, the AI could keep them all carefully separated enough for lots of good sex *and* family time. Hm. "Do that again," Clark demanded, one hand rubbing up Lex's spine. Good.

"How about I just take it off?" Lex shifted, kneeling over Clark's body without dislodging that hand, and started to peel Clark's t-shirt off without waiting for an answer. Sometimes sex was a release, sometimes it was frantic and desperate, sometimes it was stolen, but... it was the slow times that Clark liked the best. Of course, that was what happened least frequently.

It was usually right in the middle when one of the kids would wail for a glass of water, or say that they felt sick, or come in after curfew.

"That sounds like a good idea," Clark murmured, lifting his arms to help Lex pull it off. Skin on skin was the best thing ever, even thirty years down the line.

Maybe it was best *because* it was thirty years down the line. No one had thought they'd make it that long, let alone either of them. Lex's hands felt just as good as ever, and he still knew exactly how to tweak Clark's nipples to make him squirm. "If Lara walks in to complain that the internet's gone down, I won't be responsible for my actions. Tell me that she's busy, Clark."

"She's busy, Lex." Actually, he didn't have a clue, and he wasn't x-ray peeping at his daughter when they were in the middle of sex. "And if she walks in, then she deserves whatever she sees." So there. Clark's breath caught, hips rocking up hard. "Unh... Do that again!"

"I should turn you over right now," came the husky threat as Lex repeated the motion. Two fingers rolling together, the way that Lex played with his favorite Mont Blanc, pressing to squeeze at that nipple. "But I suppose I need to finish undressing you first."

Clark laughed at that, a good sound, one that made Lex groan. "Well, you could always *try* it, but last time you complained that the elastic chafed." Right there, where Clark's hand was wandering, rubbing.

Lex had a faint fetish for Clark's fingers, for the way that Clark stroked over muscles that his enhanced senses helped him find. Not that he needed his senses anymore to know every mark and muscle on Lex. A brush just to the inside of his hipbone, beneath the waistband of his boxers, and Lex smothered a quiet moan. "It did..."

"Mhm," Clark murmured, a low, gravely sort of sound. "And you said you were never going to forget to take off those damned underwear again," he reminded, leaning up to lick Lex's ear. "Of course, if you've changed your mind..."

"Oh, no. They're coming off. I don't care who walks in. The Mayor could come in with a five piece band, for all I care." Lex had to stop torturing Clark's chest, but just long enough to squirm indecorously to get his underwear off. "Now yours..."

"Mmmm, yeah. Okay." Agreement, yeah, and a very amusing thought *that* was. If the Mayor came in with a five piece band, *Clark* would be up off the bed and dressed so fast he'd leave speed burns on Lex. Well, maybe not. After all, he was wriggling, helping Lex to pull everything down and out of the way and, hm. This was good.

Nice and easy. Why did he feel more receptive to things some times than he did others? Two weeks ago, Clark guessed it wouldn't have felt so fantastic, or kindled such seeping warmth in his balls. "There we go... God, you're leaking already."

"You make me horny," Clark moaned, turning so that Lex tumbled onto the mattress beside him. It wasn't much of a shift in position, but still. "Really, incredibly horny."

Lex shifted, leg sliding over the backs of Clark's thighs for a moment, before he righted himself, moving Clark to lay on his belly. "That's the best thing I've heard all day. Let me grab a pillow..."

"Okay." What else was he going to say, anyway? 'No, I don't want a pillow, fuck me NOW?" Well, okay, that sounded pretty good, actually. Clark knew in the back of his mind that Lex was distracting him, but... well, Lex loved him. And Clark loved Lex, so he wasn't going to make Lex sleep on the couch.

Like he ever had.

It wouldn't have worked even if he'd tried. Lex had a way of weaseling his way back into Clark's arms, and when Clark had done something wrong, Lex preferred to work or drive in circles around town until he cooled off.

The pillow, ironically, was the one Clark had tried to use as a Lex-proof shield. Lex pulled at Clark's hips, and then stuffed it under him. So much for working as a shield.

"Come on, Lex," Clark egged him on, wriggling against the support beneath him. "I know you want to..." Clark *wanted* him to do it, too. Where had he tossed the lube last time?

"Trying to remember where the lube is," Lex muttered. He leaned down to kiss the curve of Clark's ass, which made up for the delay. "It's been a while. We should take a holiday after Conner comes and goes..."

"I was just thinking about that," Clark murmured, rubbing a little more. Okay. Lube was good, but Lex's tongue was maybe better. "Lara's got her winter break soon, we could go to the..." O. Ohhhhh, yeah.

They could go to the O, the big O, the grand great O, hosted by Clark's ass and Lex's tongue in that very moment. Lex was working hard on his right not to sleep on the sofa -- if they were going to go makeshift on lube, Lex's skilled slowly squirming tongue was better than the time they'd used Italian dressing.

Clark had been itchy down there for a week.

"Ohhh, fuck," he gasped. If his kids heard him use that word, they'd have a stroke. "Oh, G-god. If you k-keep doing that..."

"Mmph?" Shit, that was a great vibration, even with a tiny threat of teeth. Lex's hands cupped his ass cheeks, and pulled, kneading and spreading firm muscles as he pressed in as much as he could without having to stop breathing.

Tongue and there was a finger sneaking in there, and wow, Lex was so *good* at that. Was he always so good at that? Probably. Oh, yeah. He was gonna. If Lex didn't stop, there, he, oh, wow...

"Stop!" Clark squeaked out. "I'll come if you don't!"

The finger went still, and Lex withdrew slowly, a faint wet noise sounding when he lifted his head, breathing a little raggedly. "Okay. Long as you're ready..."

READY didn't even start it. Clark was pretty sure he hadn't been so ready in forever, just the thought of Lex sliding into him making his pulse speed up. "Oh, yeah, please. Please, Lex?"

"I love hearing you beg, baby." Then Lex was leaning down into Clark, the head of his cock sliding down the cleft of Clark's ass just before he forged ahead. There wasn't any point in teasing Clark, and Lex knew when 'please' actually meant 'NOW!'

Please currently meant forty-three seconds ago.

"UNH..." There weren't words. When had Clark ever been able to express how good that felt? He couldn't at eighteen, or at twenty-eight, or at thirty-eight, and at forty-eight, it still defied him. Lex's cock just felt *good*. Felt *right*. It was easy to lift himself a little and push back hard, taking Lex all the way in. "Uuuunnnh..."

Lex just exhaled, the same sort of noise he made when he sank into a hot bathtub that had his weird peppermint aromatherapy stuff in it. Like he was drowning in pleasure when he settled against Clark's back, arms sliding around Clark's body to hold his back tight to Lex's chest. That was perfect, because it left Lex's lower body mobile enough to start moving in and out, his cock pulling out an inch before pressing back in. At first.

At first.

And then, ah, an inch became two, and three, and Clark couldn't stop the faint whimpers he was giving. He was terribly grateful that his children had inherited Lex's normal human hearing. "Mmmm, oh, please, oh, please, oh..." Ohhh, yeah, sharp angle, *yes*, and for a moment, his breath stuttered, caught violently in his throat. "Hnnn!"

Lex kissed the base of his neck, and pulled his hips back to stab in again, hitting almost the same angle that made Clark's dick *flash* with sensation. "Yes, yes. Best ever, fuck."

Best. Sex. EVER.

Ever, and Clark didn't even have to reach a hand down to fondle his own cock, just had to rock back against Lex's and turn his face into his outstretched palms. Oh, God, it felt so good, and that high-pitched whine couldn't be stopped.

Passingly, he hoped Lara had headphones on, and couldn't hear either of them. He was going to scream when he came into that pillow, and if they were lucky, Lex wouldn't be half as loud as Clark. His arms were clenching in tempo with his hip snaps, and both were building in speed better than a train running downhill.

God, if his kids ever asked him about how good married sex was after thirty years, he was going to have to blush and lie. There was no way he was telling either of them about *this*.

"Ohhh, FUCK!"

Lex, on the other hand, was the sort of guy to slyly imply, staying just on the decent side of outright boasting. Why not, when he could make Clark yell from a certain twist of his hips, a half-controlled stab into his ass that tipped him over the edge, too? "F-fuck, Clark, nnh."

He muffled it against the back of Clark's neck, arms shakily alternating between tight and lax.

It was the best night ever.

~~~~~

It was the worst day ever.

It didn't even come close to the day he'd got up at twenty-four and run for the toilet because he was having Conner. It didn't *touch* thirty-one, and being too fat for his Superman uniform because of Lara.

Well.

It *did* come really close to that day they'd eaten the turkey that had gotten into some mash with Kryptonite in it, though.

Maybe it was bad food. Lex had made breakfast, and for whatever reason, Lex couldn't cook breakfast foods for shit. Scrambled eggs seemed to be completely beyond him, but it never stopped him from *trying*, oh no. Not Lex. Not even after thirty years of not being able to make the damned things.

Yeah, maybe it had been the scrambled eggs. O maybe it was nervousness about what Conner's 'surprise' was going to be when he came into town that night, which was really not far off now.

Because it definitely wasn't that other thing. No.

Clark was *forty-eight*. Forty-eight. Okay, so that wasn't OLD old, but it was definitely not happening. He hadn't been fertile. He would have known, the AI would have warned him, and they would have used condoms. Because it had been twenty-three years since he'd gotten pregnant with Kon, and Lara was starting seventeen right in the eyeball. There was just *no* way.

Plus, they'd had sex since then. Hard, mattress shaking sex. And there was that time where they'd done it multiple times on the coffee table because Lara had been at a friend's sleepover and the world seemed to be saving itself for once. If it was going to happen, it would've happened sooner, way sooner.

It was just paranoia, Lex-style paranoia, nagging at him.

And those eggs.

Oh, God.

Puking up eggs was pretty low on Clark's list of Things To Do. At least Lex could come in and wipe his face or something. That coward. How dare he make eggs and then go to his home office, even if it *was* just for five minutes? Never mind that he couldn't possibly have known that Clark was going to vomit everything up.

"Daddy? Are you okay?"

"'m fuuuurgh."

Yeah. Maybe not.

"Daddy...? Father! Father?! Daddy's in the bathroom throwing up..." Lara was running off to get him out of his office/lair, and Clark could hear her dropping her book bag on the way. She was probably going to miss her bus and Lex would have to drive her in.

So long as Lex didn't stop wiping Clark's face, he could drive her wherever she wanted to go. Hell. She could take the Ferrari. The *red* Ferrari. The one where he'd gotten knocked up in the back seat.

Oh, God, this couldn't be happening to him.

She had to know it was serious, and Lex probably made her even more panicky when he raced past her at her call and burst into the bathroom.

"Clark, Clark, baby, are you all right...?" At least he didn't stand in the doorway looking confused and stupid the way he had years ago. Lex knew damn well to run a washcloth under the tap and get down on his knees with Clark.

"I hate it when you make eggs," Clark mewled, letting Lex wipe his face. Okay, that felt pretty good. His stomach did that funny flipping-upside-down thing that it did on occasion. "Ooohhh, God."

"Shhh, I'm sorry -- I didn't know they'd bother you," Lex soothed, whispering as he slid an arm over Clark's shoulders while he wiped. "The chickens that laid them must've gotten into something."

"Stupid chickens," Clark mumbled, letting Lex help him blow his nose. God, puking was so disgusting. "Bet they were from Smallville. I hate chickens."

"Daddy?" Lara was obvious scared, hovering in the doorway and peering at her parents. "Are you going to be okay?"

It was understandable that she looked a little scared. Clark was invincible, after all. "He'll be okay, sweetie. I think there was something in breakfast that didn't get along with him."

"Because I'm too old, Lex. There's no way," Clark babbled, reaching up and rubbing his face. "Oh, God. I'm going back to bed."

"Okay. I'll call in to the Planet for you, and..." Lex glanced at the clock out in the hallway, and shifted to help Clark to his feet, if Clark wanted him to. "Drive Lara off to school. You should sleep if you feel that bad, because Conner's coming home tonight... Lara, why don't you run and get some ginger ale and crackers from the kitchen for your daddy?"

"All right," Lara agreed, and it was kind of funny to watch their sixteen year old scamper along that way. Not nearly as 'funny' as thinking Lex had knocked him up again, of course, but...

"We'll have to go see the AI. I think you might have done it to me again," Clark groaned.

"There just isn't any way that it's possible, Clark," Lex murmured as he twisted to get Clark out of the bathroom door. "The AI promise it'd shut your... tube things. It was just bad eggs."

"And have I ever puked *before*?" Or since, not counting the two times Lex had knocked him up previously and that one bad turkey, of course. God. His stomach was upside down and inside out, and his head was throbbing out the anvil chorus.

"The turkey?" Lex offered weakly as he walked Clark back to their bedroom. "It just... you can't be, Clark. It's not possible."

Clark *glared* at him. For a minute, Lex was probably afraid that he would be going up in smoke. "That's what you said the first time. You... are sleeping on the *couch*."

"You can't mean that. Clark, it's been years since you had Lara. You -- it's not *possible*. You can't be pregnant again." He let Clark go once they were beside the bed, with that torn look that seemed as if he was warring between various replies.

"'m going back to bed," Clark moaned, and stumbled forward until he managed to crawl under the covers. "I'm too *old* for this, Lex!" he wailed after a minute. "It had better be kryptonite eggs! And Kon is coming home, and he's managed to knock up some *girl* and my baby wants to go to Georgia, and...!"

Lex leaned into him, letting a hand linger on Clark's shoulders. "I love you, Clark. Even if... well, if it's that we'll manage. And I'm going to take a wrench to your AI, which you wouldn't let me do before..."

"Daddy?" Lara loomed in the doorway, with a breakfast tray and the ginger ale and crackers.

Even sick, Clark thought Lex making threats was sexy. The presence of their daughter took care of *that*, though. "It's all right, sweetheart," he sniffed.

"Are you going to be okay...?" She moved towards the bed, looking tentative underneath all of the wild red hair.

"I'm sure I'll be fine, sweetheart. Let your father drive you to school, and I'll be okay when you get back." Barring natural disaster, and Lex taking apart the AI with a wrench.

"I'll take good care of him," Lex assured their daughter. "Daddy's going to be fine, he just needs to rest right now. Here..." He took the tray, and cleared the magazine he'd been reading and the tissue box off of the side table with a sweep of the side of the breakfast tray, setting it there. "Food and something to drink is right there if you want it."

One deep, steadying breath later and Clark figured he could handle it. "Kay. You guys get going. Lara's going to be late, and I'm sure you have things to do in the office..."

"No, Daddy, he took today off, remember?" Because Kon was coming.

"I'll do the cleaning," Lex reassured Clark. "And come up with something for dinner, and -- don't worry, all right? I'll take care of it." He leaned in just for a moment, kissed Clark's temple. "I'll see you soon."

Yeah. With a wrench. And a pregnancy test, or something, because Clark was going to be a nervous wreck without one. "K. Get your books, sweetheart."

"Yes, Daddy," Lara answered, lingering in the door. "You know it's not because I *want* to leave you, right?"

Lex cleared his throat, putting a hand lightly on Lara's shoulder. "Come on, honey. Your daddy needs to sleep." He was going to have to have a talk with her about eavesdropping.

Knowing Lex, it would include the words 'don't get caught'.

With a groan, Clark pulled a pillow over his head and closed his eyes. It couldn't get much worse than this, could it?

~~~~~

It could.

It could, because his parents had called that they were depositing money at the Big Bank, and could they stop by to have dinner with them and Lara? And Kon had called Lex on his cell phone and let them know that they were at the airport, and the were renting a car so they'd be there in half an hour, forty five minutes, depending on traffic.

It was like the convergence of the stars, only evil.

Clark decided that he had died during sex the night before, and this was hell. It had been too good, and obviously it had killed him.

This was all Lex's fault.

"This is entirely your fault," he declared sullenly, waving one socked foot at Lex as he came into the living room. "All of it."

Lex moved to sit on Clark's feet, then just lifted the other one like he was a gate, and sat himself down under them. "That the whole family is descending down on us at once? How's that *my* fault?"

"I don't know. It just is," Clark sniffed. "Maybe you committed some terrible sin in a past life. Or maybe just one, when I wasn't looking. You haven't drooled over any particle accelerators lately, have you?"

"I've been good," Lex sighed, laying the back of his head on the back of the sofa. "I haven't even yelled at anyone in days."

"Maybe it's a sign of coming apocalypse," Clark suggested. "I wish you had gone out and gotten one of those home testing kits." Never mind that they didn't *work*, Clark was sure. Seeing a negative would have at least made him happy.

"Clark, your urine doesn't work on those things. You're male. They didn't work for Lara or Conner..."

That made Clark sullen. "It would have made me *happy*," he declared. "I could at least *pretend*."

He was making Lex sigh, shake his head as he looked up at the ceiling. "Dinner's in the oven being kept warm. I don't know what I'd do without those caterers on days like this."

"Cook bad eggs?" It was probably true, but it got Clark a dirty look, all the same. He shrugged. "Well, you do, Lex. Thirty years, and you still can't scramble an egg."

"Why do you say that? I can make crepes! I can make a standing rib roast that's *perfect*. I... Jesus. It's just scrambled eggs." Lex's hands at least were doing the right thing, kneading at the arch of one of Clark's big socked feet.

Clark could remember a time when Lex would have thrown a fit and tossed Clark's feet down to stomp off. It was nice that he would stay and rub Clark's feet, now. " I know. And you make an incredible cheesecake, too."

Age had really mellowed Lex, in ways it hadn't mellowed his father. Lionel at fifty two had been a *bastard* of a human being. Lex... was Lex. But tolerant of Clark and Lara and Conner. And really good at giving foot-rubs, digging his thumbs in just right. "I would've made one, but there wasn't time."

One squirming sigh later, and Clark hummed. "They'll still enjoy it. I know you called Napoli's." It was a specialty restaurant on the edge of Suicide Slums that made perfect authentic Italian with the most incredible desserts ever.

Lex was really fond of their desserts. "Couldn't think of anyone else that everyone would agree on. I don't particularly care if Tim and That Girl like Italian -- we know Conner does, your parents, and us and Lara. So, problem solved."

"I don't care, either." Kon hadn't even mentioned That Girl's name, and it made both of his parents grumpy. Kon was a grown-up, sure, and he was using all of his abilities for good, which made Clark happy, but... Well, no matter *how* grown up a boy got to be, he ought to tell his parents things. "Did you get the tiramisu?" Mmmm. Oh. Thumb. That felt good, right at the ball of his foot.

"Mmhm. How could I not? Even if Dinner itself is hell, we'll have dessert to look forwards to." The way Clark guessed it, they'd all show up at once -- Lara would get home from school, Kon and his 'friends' would show up, and so would Clark's parents.

He'd rather face a live volcano.

"We should get up and set the table. And I should put on something besides socks and sweat pants." If he didn't, then his mom and dad would *know* something was wrong, and they were too old for him to make them worry like that.

"Jeans and a suit jacket?" Lex teased faintly, pushing one of Clark's legs out of his lap. He stood, and that made Clark sit up. It was just as well, since his parents would be arriving shortly, and their kids.

"Damn. I threw away all of the stuff with elastic waist bands," he grumbled. Never mind the fact that he didn't NEED it, and was probably just being paranoid. He could worry about it all he wanted to.

"I... Clark, I don't *think* that you're pregnant, but if you are, I'm behind you. I promise to not be 'strange' about it." The mere fact that Lex was saying that planted a seed of worry deep in Clark's psyche.

"We're way too old to be pregnant again." Clark dropped his head into his hands. "Please tell me those were super special organic Smallville eggs?"

"Grade A Harris Teeter." Lex's hands settled to Clark's shoulders. "It's okay."

"I'm forty-eight. I have *grown* children. I don't think it's okay," Clark sighed. "And Kon's going to come in and tell us That Girl is pregnant, and then we'll be grandparents. Lex. We're not old enough to be grandparents!"

"No, but... Clark, look at me. If it is, what do you want to do? What *could* we do?"

"Nothing." Nothing, because after all, they loved their kids. So what if all of his were grown and/or leaving home? He sighed and sat up, leaning his head on Lex's shoulder. "I'm probably just having a bad reaction to the kids," he teased.

"It's very possible," Lex agreed when he gave Clark half a hug. "Come on now. We can talk about this more after everyone's asleep." Lex was finally being insistent instead of just comforting Clark, pulling him to his feet whether he wanted to get up or *not*.

It was just as well. He probably *ought* to be dressed when Kon brought That Girl in.

God.

This was bad.

Twenty minutes later, they were both dressed when the doorbell rang. Still, Clark eyed it as if it might bite him should he open it. "You get it," he declared finally.

"Why do I feel like I'm being thrown to the wolves?" Lex always dressed up better than Clark did, even after all of their years together. The ability to match shades and tones still baffled Clark -- Lex had six purple shirts that he swore were vastly different, but they all looked *purple* if he asked Clark. Lex was wearing one with charcoal slacks, and it looked purple flurple purple to Clark. And faintly metallic, that shimmered in the light when he pulled open the front door.

Clark kind of liked shimmery purple, he guessed.

"Hi, Father," Kon greeted, grinning at him from the door. Clark was scared to glance beyond the two of them. "Where's Dad hiding?"

"I'm here," Clark said faintly, stepping forward.

"Why don't you come in? Let me get your bags." Lex didn't add 'your father's under the weather', which was good. Kon didn't need to know, grinning like that. There was Tim behind him, black-haired and Gotham-slick looking, with That Girl standing beside him.

Come to think of it, That Girl looked kind of familiar.

"Cassie?" Oh, Jesus. His son couldn't be smart and pick a *normal* girl to have a threesome with, no, he had to choose *another* hero. Heroine. Whatever. Maybe he should have let Kon spend more time with Lex when he was little. Then maybe he would have wanted to make out with a bad guy.

No, that wouldn't have been better, either.

Damn.

"Hello Mr. Kent." She was *grinning* at him, too, and he was tempted to focus x-ray vision on her uterus. Just to... check. Yeah, that was it. "It's really nice to see you again!"

"Mr. Luthor." Tim nodded to Lex, that same reserved way that Bruce did, but without the innuendo that made Clark want to demand just what went *on* in private schools. "Thank you for letting us come by while we're on break..."

"Hi, Dad," Kon said quietly. He'd managed to sneak up while Clark was watching everyone else, and he reached up to wrap his arms around Clark's neck. Ah. His first baby. It was so nice, and Clark couldn't help sighing just a little. But...

"Conner, are you gaining weight?"

Lex's head snapped around so fast at Clark's little remark that he probably gave himself whiplash. "I'm going to drop these in the guest *rooms*. You three, please, settle in..." Once he had their bags in hand, Lex all but made a mad dash off with them.

"Maybe a little," Kon admitted as he hugged Clark tight for a moment, and then pulled back.

Clark reached up and ruffled his hair. "Why is your father running away from the foyer like the hounds of hell have crawled up out of your grandfather's grave to chase him all the way there?"

"I'm not sure..."

"Your grandpa's grave has hell-hounds?" Cassie was grinning as she moved closer to Clark and to Conner, clearly wanting to insinuate herself somewhere into the conversation. "Cool."

There was a knock on the door, and there was Lara. "Daddy, you're looking be -- Kon!"

"Hey, little bit!" She dropped her books on Tim's foot, making him yelp, and then launched herself at Kon. She didn't have powers to the same degree as Kon did, but she was still pretty tough, and took him down with ease.

Lex always did brag that brains beat out buffness every time.

"Hey, be car--" Tim started forwards, then stopped himself as Lara pinned Kon.

"I bet they used to do this all the time," Cassie grinned up at Clark.

"I've *missed* you!" Lara squealed, covering Conner with girly pink kisses. "You don't come *home* enough now that you've got That Girl," obviously Clark was going to have to talk to her about eavesdropping, as well, "and I MISS you, and Daddy's been sick, and Father's a nervous wreck, and hey, I smell food!"

"Your father is *not* a nervous wreck, and your grandma and grandpa Kent are coming for supper, so we called out to Napoli's. It was, uh, sort of a surprise," Clark said, eyeballing Tim.

"Conner says you're both, uh, okay with surprises." Tim *smiled* at Clark, a wary sort of smile that Clark was sure he'd seen before.

Conner hugged onto Lara, smiling as he playfully shoved her back. "I guess you missed me?"

"Of course she missed you." Lex was back, looking much calmer now as he strode back into the room. "Why don't you all sit down in the living room instead of standing around in the doorway?"

"Because then they wouldn't get to hug their grandpa!"

Right. Bad things came in threes, didn't they? Maybe this counted. Maybe this would be all of the horrible luck for today.

And maybe Lex could stop the tide from rolling in by lifting a hand and saying, 'So mote it be', too.

"Dad! Mom!" Clark could do cheerful. Feign it. He was still off balance and weirdly stressed in the face of what was going on. Cassie didn't *look* pregnant. Maybe Lex's paranoia had gotten it wrong for once.

"Clark, baby..." His mom could still move fast to hug him before she swept to hug Lara and Conner, too. "Oh, you all look so grown up! Conner, you brought friends -- introduce them to us?"

"Sure," Kon agreed, grinning from ear to ear. He looked so much like Clark that Lex had occasionally accused him of cloning their eldest child instead of bearing him. "Grandma, this is Tim Drake. I think you've probably heard about him." Or maybe not, since Clark was still twitching over his son's choice of partner. It had nothing to do with the fact that he was madly jealous over the way that Bruce eyeballed Lex. Well. Maybe. "And this is Cassie Sandsmark. She's one of our best friends."

"Well, aren't you just the sweetest thing?" Martha declared happily, reaching out to hug Cassie.

"When she's asleep and not having bad dreams," Tim murmured.

"Tim, good to meet you," Jonathan greeted in that same standoffish way he used to greet Lex. Of course, somewhere in the past thirty years Jonathan had gotten used to the idea that Lex wasn't Satan.

"Everyone's here," Lara beamed. "Father, do you need help setting the table?"

"Sure thing," Lex agreed, reaching out to touch the top of her head. He didn't ruffle it, but she did duck and smile at him.

"I can help," Clark offered. "I should have done it before."

"You're looking a little peaked, sweetheart," Martha said to him. "Are you all right?"

"He was a little sick after breakfast, but I think it was the scrambled eggs." Lex slipped into the kitchen. Clark could hear plates, and the food Lex had ordered being put onto them. That weasel, leaving Clark there with his parents when they *knew* he never got sick.

"Sick? Have you been eating eggs from home?" Jonathan asked.

Martha added, "I thought Lex had gathered up all of the dangerous..." Well. There were children present, even if they *did* belong to Clark and Lex, and Clark's parents weren't the sort to assume that just because someone was in the house, they *knew*.

"It's probably just Father's eggs," Conner sighed. "I mean, they're pretty bad, Grandma."

"So," Tim broached, "why does he make them if they're so bad? Shouldn't you just take the pan from him?"

"It's a long story," Jonathan supplied. "I think we've got pictures, right son?"

"But we don't show them," Clark agreed. "How about I show you Conner's baby pictures instead?" If *he* was going to be miserable and worried, he was definitely going to share.

"Dad!"

"They're in the bedroom closet, Clark," Lex called from the kitchen. "Blue leather cover." Lara's baby pictures were in the red book, family pictures in the brown one, embarrassing pre-children photos stuffed in a box and buried beneath Lex's shoes.

"Oh, I can't wait to see," Cassie grinned.

Clark just bet she couldn't. Why couldn't Kon settle down with someone normal, someone...

Well, all things considered, maybe he shouldn't even think about any of that. After all. He'd been living with Lex Luthor for thirty years.

Martha smiled as she moved to sit down on the sofa. "Clark, honey, why don't you go get it?"

"Yeah, let's see," Tim grinned. Conner looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole.

"Oh, Daddy! Don't forget the naked bath pictures!" Lara called as Clark headed down the hall.

Maybe there *were* a few good things about grown kids and the natural disasters his children caused in his life.

~~~~~

In honor of having their penthouse crashed, Lex broke out the good liquor for everyone who was of age and willing to have it.

"Thanks all the same," Kon said, shaking his head. "I think I'll just go for more tiramisu."

Clark's hair nearly curled. No. No, no, no. Kon hadn't turned down liquor *ever* since he'd been old enough to drink it, and probably not before. Something was Very Wrong Indeed, and the sudden twisting, sickening surety of what it was probably scrawled across his face in red ink.

Maybe he just had babies on the brain.

Lex lifted an eyebrow at Kon as he handed Jonathan a beer. "Are you sure?"

"Mr. Luthor are you trying to *encourage* your son to drink?" Cassie seemed faintly shocked by it.

"No, it's just that he's lucky I didn't do a full cavity search on him when he came home. Clark, do you remember the time to got into the cabinet when we were out? And he gave some to his *rabbit*."

"That poor rabbit," Clark mourned. "It fell off of the bunny table and puked all over the floor. And then Lara crawled into the bunny puke before we knew it was there."

"Hey, at least *I* didn't carve my name into Father's night stand," Kon protested, "even if I *did* get punished for it."

"I admit to nothing," Lara sniffed.

"Conner, Lara was a brilliant baby, but... you were, too, and you couldn't spell 'Conner' right until you were five." Lex settled down beside Clark, cradling something Clark hoped wasn't scotch. He wouldn't make any bets on it, though.

"Yeah, well, I'm still telling you that it wasn't me," Conner sighed, humming over his next bite of dessert. "You don't get stuff this good on the east coast."

"You're the one who wanted to go so far from home." Clark didn't sound sullen or sad about that. No, he didn't. Maybe having babies on the brain was a side effect from missing his kids. Lara was going to leave now, too. What was so great about the east coast?

"Really? I remember a great place in New York..." Lex tapped his fork faintly against his plate. "But it's probably closed down."

"Due to federal investigation," Jonathan muttered.

"Hey, come on, Grandpa. Father's never been *that* bad, no matter what the tabloids say." Their kids were wonderful in defending their father from almost everyone.

"Besides, nothing beats Napoli's," Clark declared with a little smile.

"It's really good," Lara agreed with a sigh. "Anyway, it was Father's dad that was the bad guy, right?"

"Tax deductible donations to the IRA," Lex admitted with a shrug. Jonathan chuckled.

"Really? Bruce told me some of that but it always seemed... kinda exaggerated. He's got a way of blowing stuff out of proportion."

The look that passed between Clark and Lex rested somewhere between 'see?' and 'ha! I don't believe it, Lex!'

Kon coughed. "Um. Since we've pretty much got everybody together here, anyway... well, except Aunt Lois, but that's probably for the best..."

Oh no. No, Clark *knew* what he was going to say next. Lex went faintly tense, but sat back, crossing his legs casually at the ankle as he set his plate in his lap. "Is this about the surprise, son?"

"Um. Yeah. Actually. I mean, I didn't realize Grandma and Grandpa would be here," Conner admitted, "but now's good. I mean, I, we, ought to tell you now."

We. Oh. God.

Clark was lucky to be an adopted alien. He was sure that he'd have a heart attack otherwise. He could tell from the look on *his* father's face that Jonathan knew what was coming, too. It was a sixth parental sense, adopted kids or not. You just... *knew*. Lex knew when something was up -- he'd known the first time that Kon had gotten drunk, and he'd known when Lara had acted weird and panicky and needed the 'it's normal to bleed there' talk.

"You're pregnant?" Lex tossed out.

That fish look wasn't good on Conner, and it was worse on Tim.

"Oh, my God," Clark said blankly. "My God. You. I. Oh, my God."

"It's not like I *meant* to, Dad, I mean," Conner babbled, "you always said, not anybody normal, just somebody like Father, or maybe..."

"Look, point being," Tim interrupted, "it's true. He is. We are."

Lex took a deep swallow from his glass, draining it. "I guessed as much. You and Conner, huh? You know that I'll have you hunted down and shot if you so much as make him cry."

Oh, THAT was effective. "That's IT!? That's ALL!?" Clark demanded, standing up. "This, this, this... He knocked up our BABY!" Oh, no *way* was that little Gotham brat getting away with that. "And what about *her*!?"

"Me?" Cassie asked, eyes huge. "Um. I'm along for, ah, moral support. Um." She hissed at Conner, "DO something!"

"You can all calm down," Lex noted. "It's not like you can un-impregnate Conner, Clark. I just hope you're ready for years of Conner, Tim. Because if you leave him, I'll prove that every story Bruce told wasn't too far from reality."

Jonathan was looking wide-eyed, and Martha had that look of controlled 'coping' that Clark knew so well.

"Oh, my God," Clark moaned. He was turning green, he knew it, and tiramisu and coffee didn't taste so good on their way back up. "This is all so WRONG..."

"Daddy?" Lara said tentatively. "Um. They, ah, accepted me. At Agnes Scott. Uh. I'm scheduled to start in early August."

Bad news came in twelve-packs.

"Lara, we didn't--" Lex started out of his seat when Clark started to turn green, and moved to hold him up. "Clark, you look sick... If anyone else has anything they want to spring on us, how about not sharing right now?"

His children were all grown up. They were grown up and they were *leaving* him, and this was bad. Very bad. "I'm going to throw up," he announced, giving Lex a wide-eyed look that declared he had better move fast.

"Okay, let's get you to the bathroom..." Lex pulled at Clark, stepped past Cassie where she sat on the floor, and wasn't going to dawdle.

"Clark?" Martha was clearly panicking, and Jonathan didn't seem much better.

"Look what you've done to your father!" he sighed at Conner.

"But... I thought..."

Great.

Clark was going to puke, Kon was going to cry, and Lara looked like she might cry, too. What a mess, all over Cassie's head. Lex hadn't moved fast enough, obviously.

The screaming and crying seemed to start all at once.

~~~~~

"Diana's gonna kill me," Clark moaned. "I don't want to die."

"Clark... Diana isn't going to kill you." Lex could comfort him now that they were in the master bedroom, and he was putting a cool cloth over Clark's forehead.

"Is so. I puked all over her protégé. I assumed that she was a slut, and she's not." Clark sniffed. "My *baby* is a slut. Oh God, I thought it couldn't happen!"

"You have to sleep around to be a slut," Lex pointed out. "Clark... it's just one person. Tim. It's... think of how your father felt when he found out about us."

That didn't help much. "*Your* dad was Satan. Or, maybe only a major demon. We're not that, Lex. I just..." The heavy sigh sounded so pitiful. "I wanted better for him. And Lara didn't even *talk* to us..."

"Just went and did it," Lex agreed as he leaned down to kiss Clark's toothpaste tasting mouth. "Does she remind you of someone we know?"

"No." She was too much like both of them to have ever done anything else, Clark supposed, even after he'd said that lie. "Okay. Yes."

"Either one of us. You ran away from home, I... we don't want to talk about everything that I did at her age. Kids grow up, Clark. And they do stupid things without letting us stop them." A shift, and Lex moved to sit beside Clark on the bed so he could pull Clark's head into his lap.

"I didn't want them to be grown up," Clark admitted. "It... I'm not saying it won't be nice to have time with you. Just you, and just me. That would be nice. But..." He wasn't ready yet, and Lara was just *leaving*. It didn't matter that Superman could make it to Atlanta in split seconds or that Kon could get there or home just as fast. It wasn't the same.

"I know," Lex murmured, stroking fingers through Clark's wild curls. "They're your babies. Mine, too. I miss Kon, I *know* I'm going to miss Lara."

"Maybe I'm just freaking out because out babies are going to be gone. Oh, God, Lex, we're going to be grandparents." And that was actually a nifty enough thought if he didn't *consider* it, didn't think about his son having sex with a Gotham brat-hero.

"Your parents are going to be great-grandparents," Lex added with a sigh. "And maybe grandparents all over again. Clark, the throwing up... the eggs should have been out of your system by now."

"Maybe it's just a nervous reaction." There wasn't a lot of hope for that. "We're too old to do this again. I'm *forty-eight*, Lex."

"And I'm how old, Clark?" Lex reminded. "Too old to have another kid. But... if we do, you know I'm here." He gave another sigh, and slipped the washcloth to cover Clark's eyes a little. "I should go out and apologize."

"Because I puked on Cassie?" That was actually kind of funny. Yeah, maybe Diana wouldn't kill him, especially not if Lara had actually managed to get that picture.

"Yes." Lex's lips twitched almost evilly as he was looking down at Clark. Or, at least Clark could guess that they were, since he had a cloth over his eyes, and his head hurt too much to peek through it. He could hear the evil smirk on Lex's voice. "Will you be all right if you're laying still?"

"Yeah. Apologize to Mom?" Clark requested, bringing one heavy hand up to adjust the damp cotton a little. There. That was better. "I know they're worried. And Kon..." Their son was crying. He hadn't cried since he was three, and now... well, Clark understood, but it was just weird. Really *weird*.

They were going to be grandparents.

"You know, I thought he was looking a little pudgy around the edges." Considering Conner had always worn clothes that fit him like a second skin, it could have just been the bulky sweater and loose jeans he'd been wearing that night, but Clark could tell. That was his job. He was the *daddy*.

"I just thought it was funny that his ass wasn't hanging out of his pants for once," Lex sighed. A shift, and he carefully got himself out from under Clark. "And he passed on drinking. I'll calm everyone down and then be back."

"Kay," Clark agreed sleepily. Maybe it would be all right if he closed his eyes for just a minute.

Just a...

~~~~~

Kon was still blubbering. That was irritating, but Lex remembered what Clark had been like the first time. That was the year he'd started rescuing kittens from trees for little girls, and other bizarre things. Something about how he couldn't stand to hear them mewl.

"Conner..." Martha and Jonathan had been soothing things in the meantime, and Tim was helping Cassie clean up. "Conner, son. It's all right."

"Dad's *so* pissed off!" Kon wept. "I d-didn't *wanna* make him throw up for goodness sake!"

Lex hated it when his kids cried.

"Conner..." Lex looked over to Jonathan and Martha, who had Lara sitting between them. No, no sympathy there. He turned his attention back to Conner, putting an arm over Conner's shoulders. "Dad's not angry, Kon. Your dad... isn't feeling well right now. It's been a rough few days. Your sister has decided she's going to college in the fall, he's worried for you, and... he's been sick on and off all day. I haven't seen him this sick since he was pregnant with Lara. So."

"Dad said it couldn't *happen* with normal guys, like I don't get sick, either, so we just.. I didn't..." God.

Jonathan patted Kon's shoulder awkwardly. "Well, son, you're different from either of your fathers. Maybe it just doesn't work the same."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" There wasn't going to be any distraction as far as Martha was concerned.

Lex, though, was going for the feint as he let Kon lean into him. "What who's saying?"

"You, Lex. What *you're* saying. I understand what Conner is saying."

"... I think Conner and Lara might have a new brother or sister soon. That's why Clark's in this... panicky mood." There, he'd done it. Now to just wait for a response...

"Well." 'Well' seemed to sum it up, because the entire room was staring at Lex as if he had lost his mind.

"Dad's..." The 'ew' flitted visibly across Kon's face. Obviously the fact that his parents still 'did it' had never occurred to him.

"Uh-huh. It's very possible." He glanced over to see what Lara was thinking.

"So, is it bad that we've really upset Daddy?" she asked quietly. A damp towel was still in her hands, and the way she was wringing it... well.

Yes, because it overrode Clark's birth control. "No, he'll be okay, honey. He just... it's been a lot all at once." Even if he wanted to take both of his kids by the shoulders, shake them, and demand what the hell they were thinking. He was going to be better than his own dad, as tempting as it was most days. His own father would've had them bound hand and food with duct-tape and had them 'kidnapped' by some bodyguards to interrogate them, and the concept was really begging to be resurrected.

Kon wiped a hand across his nose. That particular trait was an unpleasant one he'd picked up from Clark, Lex was certain of it. "God, Pop. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to get Dad all uptight, and..."

"It's not just *your* fault," Tim told him, coming in with a damp Cassie trailing after him. "I mean, we all participated."

"Tell me," Lex started as he stayed where he was, with an arm around Kon, "that 'we all' is just you, Tim, and Conner here?" Because his mind was already filling up with images of Young Justice or Teen Titans, or whatever the kids were calling themselves that week, having an orgy with his son as the centerpiece.

Just the *thought* of Bart made him seriously twitch.

"Look, Mr. Luthor. It's just us. I promise. I mean, Kon..." Yeah, Lex was still the father. Every kid in the room was blushing, Cassie casting her eyes to the side nervously, Lara looking away, Tim and Kon contemplating their shoes. If Jonathan could still do it to *him*, then it was only fair. "It's just us, sir. I, uh. I love Conner."

"Good. Like I said, you'd better. Because you won't only have me to worry about, but his grandfather over there -- isn't that right, Jonathan?"

"I'm not so old yet that I can't shoot straight, and it won't be hard to find somewhere six feet deep on the farm." The way he said that with a straight face *still* made Lex want to shudder.

"Grandpa! You can't shoot Tim!"

Funny how that sulk was kind of cute on his father-in-law after over thirty years of knowing him. "That's what your daddy said about your father, too."

Lex patted Conner's shoulder gently. "I learned better than to provoke him about that. After all, who *really* wants to find out?"

"But, Father, you don't even... shoot," Lara offered.

"That's why we have money."

"Riiight," Tim said. "Kon? I think maybe it's a good idea if you go lie down like your dad. Uh. He's okay, right?"

That just made Kon *disturbed*. "'m gonna be a big brother. Again."

"Probably. We'll... find out soon enough." Lex moved, letting Conner move to slip away. "Why don't you lay down? You'll feel better."

"You're not too upset with me, are you?" Well, Clark was unhappy with both of them, and he was the one that their kids usually turned to when they were unhappy or wanting approval. Everything was upside down in the space of a few minutes, if they were going to Lex for comfort.

"Well, you're young... but I can't see the two of you making worse mistakes than your dad and I made with each other. We made it work." He shot Tim another look over Conner's head. "But that threat was very serious, Tim. Just keep it in mind."

"Father won't have you shot," Lex heard Kon promise as they headed towards the hall leading to the kids' bedrooms. The thought that Tim would be sleeping with his son made him twitch a little again, never mind that Conner was... well. "Bruce won't let him. Right?"

Lex sighed. Sure Bruce wouldn't let him. Like hell he wouldn't. Who did Tim think taught Lex how to shoot? He heaved another deep breath, and then smiled at Lara. "So, are you okay, honey?"

"'m just scared for Daddy," she admitted in a little girl voice. *Their* little girl. How had she managed to get herself admitted to Agnes Scott in *Atlanta* when she was still their little girl? "You promise he'll be okay?"

"Honey, he'll be fine," Martha reassured her, leaning over to pet her hair and kiss her temple. "Your daddy's a strong man. It will be all right." The glare she shot at Lex said that it had *better* be.

"It will, Lara," Lex assured. "He just really doesn't want to let go of you so soon. You... I'm still baffled over how you got accepted without us signing anything for you, actually, Lara." He frowned as he sat up more. "How *did* you?"

Those big green eyes worked on him for Clark *and* for their daughter. "Um. I was going to drop the papers off at your office, but Aunt Lois... um, she said she'd take care of it."

"That was nice of her, wasn't it?" Lex lifted an eyebrow at his daughter. "At least you didn't forge our signatures."

Lara shrugged. "Aunt Lois thought it would look more authentic if she did it. After all, she's seen Dad's scribbles for years, and... well, you know how she is about research."

"So you had Lois forge Clark's signature for you. I should..." He sighed instead of going on. She was clearly hiding between her grandparents. "Why didn't you just ask us?"

Jonathan peeked to the side. "That was really dishonest of you, Lara El. I thought you were better than that. I reckon some traits breed true."

"Jonathan..." Martha's voice was a warning.

"I knew you'd say no. Daddy was so *weird* the year that Conner left for Harvard. It was like the end of the *world* had come. He *moped*, you know he did."

"I *wasn't* going to say no. I was going to talk to Clark about it -- but you couldn't wait just a couple of days for a real approval, could you?" While he hated to be giving her a guilt trip just then, she had it coming. And other parents probably would've done worse.

"But Father..."

"No buts, miss. Your father and your grandfather are right. It *was* dishonest of you, and I'm sure we're all very disappointed in you, Lara."

Thank God that Martha finally chipped in. "So, maybe you should go to bed and think about what you've done, Lara," Lex intoned firmly.

"Fine." That stony look was pure Luthor -- he knew exactly where she had gotten that from. "Tell Daddy I'm sorry I upset him."

"I will. I'm also going to tell him exactly how you got accepted."

Lois was going to get the silent treatment for *weeks*.

~~~~~

"Well. Reckon you know about how I felt when Clark said he was gonna move in with you in Metropolis." Jonathan was laughing at Lex, and not even doing it secretly, either.

Lex sighed as he came back with coffee for both of his 'in-laws'. "I suppose that you're right. But I learned from my situation and I'm not as bent out of shape as you were."

"Clark's bent enough for both of you," Martha said primly, rolling her eyes. "You don't really think he's... you know. Again. Do you?"

They still had trouble actually *saying* the p word in connection to their very male son. Lex wondered what they would do when Kon spawned and started in with the breast-feeding.

Hell, he wondered if Tim would be as creatively horny as he'd been. He wasn't ever going to ask, though. There were some things a father didn't need to know.

"I want to hope that it's some type of psychological reaction to stress and Lara deciding she's leaving." Lex sat down opposite them both but closer than before. "The... AI promised that it wouldn't be possible again."

"I expect it's not the first time that thing's been full of shit, either."

"Jonathan!"

"Well, dangit, woman," Jonathan grumbled. "The stupid thing's designed to protect Clark and to give him what he wants. God only knows what it's probably turned around bass ackwards now."

"Give him what he wants." Lex groaned as he hunched over his cup of coffee. "Clark didn't want the house to be empty. It scared him. Oh, God, damn that machine... I'm taking a wrench to it."

With a gentle hand, Martha reached out and patted his arm. "Well, sweetheart, look on the bright side. You'll have plenty of kids to take care of you when you're old and senile."

A warm, sweet sentiment, but a peek out of the corner of his eye proved that Jonathan had a shit-eating grin like he was trying to keep from busting a gut. "Maybe after this one it won't happen again."

No, now he was just lying to himself. "Or maybe we'll live forever."

"Oh, come on, son. It's not that bad," Jonathan declared. "Buck up. It'll be nice to have a house full of grandkids." That sounded a little wistful, and it probably was. Lex almost felt bad about it, all things considered.

Almost.

Dirty diapers at fifty-three weren't going to be very damned funny. And of course he'd be changing them because Clark would have to dash off to save the world again. "Conner's already started off towards that for Clark and I. We're going to be grandparents. And parents again."

The thought was making his brain seize up. He was never having sex with Clark without a condom again. He wondered if he should get a vasectomy.

It would probably just heal up like everything else did.

"Sweetheart, it will be all right," Martha reassured him. "By the time the new baby is grown, Clark will be accustomed to having grandkids and maybe..." Maybe it wouldn't happen again.

"That's something to wish for, since we'll be..." Well, if he took Lara as an example, rather than Conner, sixteen plus fifty three was very fucking old. "I'll be sixty-nine. My God, I'm going to break that machine into tiny pieces..."

When Jonathan reached over to pat his back, he knew he was doomed. "It'll be all right, son. You worry too much."

"Worrying has a use," Lex pointed out as he looked over at Jonathan.

"Yeah," Jonathan agreed dryly. "The creation of gray hair. Keep a lookout at your eyebrows, Lex."

Martha laughed. "There's no use in sitting here fretting. One way or the other, it's done, so why don't I make you boys some hot chocolate and we'll all try to get some sleep? Maybe Clark will feel well enough that he and Kon can make a visit to get checked up tomorrow..."

"And then at least we'll be sure." Lex watched Martha get up -- he was really lucky, he guessed. After all, she and Jonathan had settled in to the idea that he and Clark weren't going to 'quit', and things had been mostly amiable since that revelation. She was a very mothering mother-in-law type, too.

"It will be all right, you know," she promised, moving towards the refrigerator. "It really will."

Sure it would. Conner was traumatized, Lara was probably in her room after having cried herself to sleep, there was a traumatized Wonder Girl off in the guest room, and Clark was a wreck.

Sure.

"Everything turns out for the best in the end, sweetheart. I mean, who would have thought that a meteor shower, with all of that damage, would have brought all of us Clark?"

"Silver linings," Jonathan grunted.

Silver linings. Metropolis was full of them, and... even if Clark *was* pregnant, even if their oldest boy *had* been knocked up by Bruce's protégé, there was still a silver lining. Family, big and loving and with all of them alive.

That was the best part. 

"Martha, let me help you with the cocoa."

~~~~~

"Good morning, Kal El. Kon El. Your visit is somewhat surprising." The faint echo of a woman's voice off of the ice made Clark's head swim in a way it hadn't done since... well, yeah.

"Good morning," he greeted politely. Wasting his Saturday in Antarctica without the majority of his family wasn't anything fun.

"We're here for... checkups," Kon broached. He always looked for the source of the sound out of habit, and Clark had long-since given up on telling him that it was literally from everywhere.

"I thought you said that I wouldn't be able to breed again, AI," Clark reproached it, scowling. "And that Kon El would be incapable of carrying the child of a human male."

"You are incapable of breeding beyond Lara-El and Kon-El," the AI confirmed politely. "Kon-El is incapable of carrying the child of a non-genetically modified human male."

"Look again." The hardness in Clark's voice obviously made Kon a little nervous, kind of like the AI's voice coming out of nowhere. "You've made a mistake."

"But Dad's been vomiting, and, and Tim's not genetically modified. He's just he's..."

How could a visit to an omnipotent computer make your day *worse*? Clark didn't know, but he was sure that if there was a book on the topic, the AI had probably written it. "In most species there is something called a sympathetic pregnancy. Kryptonian women were known for the problem."

"Kryptonian *women*," Clark stressed. "I thought that children were created in tubes."

"They were, Kal El, but this did not prevent the occurrence of sympathetic pregnancy amongst the elder of the species when their children chose to procreate."

"But there's no WAY I could be knocked up!" Kon protested. "You said so! So what's *wrong*?"

"Logic would suggest that your mate is not entirely human. If you would allow me to take a scan of you, I will be able to give you an answer." At least the AI didn't just *do* scans without asking anymore.

"Dad?" Kon asked tentatively, turning big blue eyes on him that were so much like Lex's Clark occasionally trembled with the wonder of it.

Clark nodded. "That would be the thing to do."

"Okay. If we can just figure out what's going on, AI..." Clark had used to call it Lara, except that it seemed a better tribute to his mother to name his daughter after her than his computer.

"Scan starting... Twenty percent..."

"Daddy?" Kon was shifting from foot to foot, nervous. He hadn't called Clark that since he'd been seven or eight, and Clark had to admit that he'd missed it.

"It will be fine," Clark promised him. They'd let the AI scan him next just to be sure, and then it would be all right. It *would* be. He'd make it.

"Sixty... eighty.... Processing starting now." Maybe it would've been easier of there'd been flashing lights or some sort of display. Clark would think about having some way to add that later. Maybe give Lex that opportunity with the wrench that he wanted so much.

"God. Does she have to *talk*?" The white circle around Kon's mouth, the faint pallor of his complexion, and the tiny dilation of his eyes added up to one thing.

Clark superspeeded around and found a bucket.

"Fifty percent of parentage source from a hybrid Kryptonian; fifty percent of a parentage source from a genetically enhanced human. As predicted, Kon-El, that is the source of your current state."

Bleurgh.

Just the sound made Clark want to puke, too. "But we just *told* you that Tim's not a modified human. So what does *that* mean?"

"You are wrong, Kal-El."

"Tim Drake's a modified human?" That wasn't right. Couldn't be right. "No way. He's Batman's *sidekick*, for God's sake! Bruce would, would..." Have a duck.

"Dad?" Kon said thinly.

"You're the one sleeping with him -- don't ask *me*!"

"So... you're not pregnant."

"Nope."

"Huh."

~~~~~

Grandparents and grandkids together meant that he and Clark could slip off for a moment to discuss the momentous news that Clark had shared with the whole family just moments before.

"You're lucky I love you."

And lucky that Lex found that pout really cute. "But I swear I thought I was. I mean, that's how it's always worked before. How was I to know that it was all something weird and sympathetic, or that Tim was exposed to some kind of weird mutagenic that would make this even *possible*. I told you we should have talked more about condoms with Conner."

"I never wanted to know that my son was having ass-sex, Clark. And do you really think he'd listen to us anyway? We didn't listen to common sense..." Lex leaned in, whispering as he backed Clark up against the edge of the kitchen counter.

"Yeah, well. We didn't know it was possible that I'd get knocked up, either," Clark grumbled, scowling. "Call Bruce. Threaten him with death. Castration. I don't *care*, so long as somebody does something about this! It's just not funny, Lex."

"It's not funny, Clark. I'm not laughing. But I'm also not going to be hysterical about it, because I've been in Tim's shoes. They're not comfortable ones." Lex kept Clark in place, putting his hands on the countertop on either side of Clark.

"Puking because your son's pregnant isn't fun, either." Mmm, but Lex kissing away that sullen little pout was kind of nice. Clark sighed. "At least we don't have to change the diapers?"

"We don't have to change diapers, unless we volunteer to help Kon," Lex promised. "You're not going to throw up anymore, are you?"

Clark shrugged. "The AI gave me something. Says it'll stop the symptoms, probably. I'd hate to puke on Cassie again. Well. Yeah."

"She's made herself at home," Lex assured dryly, still pinning Clark back against the island's counter. "With Lara, which is good I suppose. Lara wants to be a superhero, now. Which reminds me to ask you if I can kill Lois."

Clark seriously considered the matter. "Well. She faked my signature..."

"Yes..."

"And she faked your signature..."

"Right..."

"And now our baby is going to *Georgia*..."

"Exactly..."

Clark nodded. "You can't kill her. But you can make her miserable if you want."

Lex sighed as he pressed his hips against Clark's. "That's not a satisfactory answer, Clark, but you're going to keep me from actually hurting her, aren't you?"

"It's for your own good," Clark promised him, kissing Lex's forehead. "You'll be better off in the long run if you *don't* hurt her."

"I'm going to pretend that that didn't sound like a threat. 'Treat her nicely or else'. I'm not sure what to do with Lara. Other than let her go."

"There's nothing else we *can* do," Clark sighed, mouth shifting into a deeply unhappy frown. "*I'm* going to make Lois miserable. You can destroy all of her shoes, if you want. That's evil."

Lara had certainly learned a Luthor-esque lesson from the whole thing -- get caught in deceit, and still get what you want. "I wonder what I could use that would only destroy *her* shoes, but not anyone else who maybe stepped in a residue..."

"Lex," Clark said gently, "why don't you just send Mercy and Hope in to destroy them while Lois is at work?"

"Too obvious?" Lex shrugged his shoulders as he pulled away. There was coffee to be made, and as much as he wanted to make out with Clark, his mood wasn't right for it. "You know I like doing things the hard way. I want them to crumble while she's walking in them."

"Mmm." Clark smiled and started to pull out coffee cups. "Well, I'm sure you'll come up with a suitable solution."

"Lasers?" Lex tossed out.

Why not? Clark felt indulgent. "Sure. And we should make her help decorate the nursery, too, since I want Kon closer to home when the time comes."

"Will Kon agree?" Lex asked, mouth twitching as he put sugar in all of the cups.

"By the time he hits six months," Clark said with a placidity that just couldn't be natural. "I went home, after all."

"How could I forget," Lex sighed, adding milk. "We should find out if it has something to do with your species."

Clark eyeballed his lover, reaching out to poke him gently in a rib. "I think it has more to do with the part where you feel like a stupid waddling goose about that time. It's humiliating, and if you go home to your parents, they won't make you leave home and go out into public."

"I didn't try to make you go out into public, Clark," Lex defended. "Hand me the stir sticks? Clark, I convinced the Planet to give you leave."

The alien grinned. "Yeah, well. Kon will still want to come home when I tell him how that baby's coming *out*."

"Don't you think he's guessed already?" Lex smirked a little. Smiling was the easy part of balancing four coffee cups in two hands. "Or do you think he thought you were exaggerating when you told him what a pain in the ass giving birth to him was?"

"I think he still thinks I was exaggerating." Clark smiled, leaning forward and pecking Lex on the lips. "But he'll know better eventually."

"Ah, watch it -- I don't want to drop these. Someone -- you -- should tell him that we would've had pictures of his birth, except that Jonathan was too horrified to hold the camera steady."

"Why don't we let Dad do that? He's best at giving bad news without getting himself run over, Lex."

"If you say so..." Lex got the kitchen door open, and walked back towards the living room with the coffee cups still balanced. He glanced to Martha and Jonathan -- who had the old photo albums out.

"Look, sweetheart. Remember this one?" One of the many and varied head traumas related to Smallville. That particular picture of Lex made him look like a swami, head wrapped up tightly in gauze. "The beginning of the egg issue."

Clark moved to peer over his mother's shoulder while Lex held coffee out to Jonathan, trying to not roll his eyes. "I know I couldn't forget it."

"Except you did," Clark laughed. "For a whole week. You were really cute that time. It's a good thing you heal fast."

"You all have never let me live it *down*," Lex sighed. "I was out of it. It's no wonder that I tried to put that in the scrambled eggs."

"Yeah, well. Believe me," Jonathan snickered, "none of us have ever forgotten it, either."

"It was the beginning of the end of the eggs," Martha laughed.

"I thought the motor-oil was chocolate syrup." Lex was going to develop a twitch before he even started to drink his coffee. Not that there was a good reason to think that chocolate syrup would be good on eggs.

"Uh-huh. So... that explains the ground up chilies how again?" Clark laughed and then kissed him, shaking his head. "It's okay, Lex. I knew better than to eat your eggs yesterday. Besides. Now we can blame all of it on Kon."

At least Kal loved him despite his inability to make eggs. Why was it such a big deal, anyway? "Which reminds me -- Jonathan, do you want to tell him about why Clark insisted he move back home for the last part of his first pregnancy? Clark thinks, and I'm sure that he's right, that Kon won't believe us if we tell him."

Lex recognized that look. It was the look that said Jonathan was *onto* him. "You want *me* to tell my grandson that he's gonna hafta... poo out a baby?"

"Well, I figure it'll sound a whole lot better coming from you, Dad," Clark spoke up. Yeah. More traumatizing, to be exact.

Which might be just what Kon needed. After all, no one had ever gone easy on *him* about where the baby was coming out of. He'd had it rough, and by comparison, Tim had been on easy street. "Kon will think we're pulling his leg. After all, someone dropped the camera during Kon's birth."

Jonathan coughed. "Well. Uh. No man ought to have to see that, Lex."

"SEE it?" Clark asked incredulously.

Martha reached out to pat his hand. "There, there, sweetheart. You can punish them later."

"Clark, it was *horrifying*. Our son, hell, Tim needs to know what they're in for," Lex commented. "After I saw that, we're lucky we ever had sex again."

"WE?" Clark asked incredulously. "No, Lex. *YOU*. Let's be specific here."

"That, too." Lex turned a smile towards Clark, hoping to woo him out of that incredulous moment. "It was really... I just think Kon should know. That's all."

"He's not going to thank us."

"Yeah, well. He's the one that let Tim..."

"Clark!"

"Yes, Mom."

~~~~~

One phone call, and Lois Lane was on edge. She was going to die a slow death, but not before she had a conference with the reason for her death to sort of... correlate stories. Just in case there was any correlating to be done.

It was pretty cut and dry, but if there were any parts she could get away with omitting? Lois would. She just had to know how much Lara had told her parents. Lois needed her to show up at the coffee shop across the street from Luthor Towers so that she could find out.

"Daddy is *so* upset." The voice from behind made Lois jump, her eyes growing huge even as she turned and grinned at Lara. "His red panties are *seriously* knotted, Aunt Lois!"

And she was willing to bet that Lara's *other* daddy had his purple panties twisted, too. "It's okay, honey. Sit down and tell me all about it."

"Well, you know, I didn't... well, I *did* know," Lara babbled, flopping down in the seat across from Lois with all the sheer misery any sixteen year old girl could muster. "But I didn't realize when it started, you know, 'cause if I had, I would have told them sooner and not waited until Kon came home *pregnant* and..."

"And they went into some kind of parental panic mode?" Lois supplied. "Okay. It'll be okay, sweetie. Your parents need to cut the cord. How much did you tell them?"

"Well, that I filled out the paper and you faked Daddy's signature..."

Clark was going to have her drawn and quartered. And then Lex was probably going to set her remains on fire and refuse to pee on them. Lois sucked in a slow breath, and exhaled. "Okay. And how did they take that...? Any threats?"

"Father's mouth turned white and Daddy puked on Kon's friend," Lana answered solemnly. "At least, I think that's what happened. It's been a weird, weird couple of days, Auntie Lois."

"Waita sec. Your father threw up? I mean, your dad threw up?" God. Why couldn't she just call Clark dad and Lex... that evil guy. Or Baldie. Or something. "How come?"

"Sympathetic pregnancy issues, apparently. They're hereditary, or something, except just because *Conner* is puking doesn't mean I feel like it." Lara rolled her eyes, and then sniffled. "God. They're gonna *kill* us, Auntie Lois! Do you think if we called Uncle Bruce, he'd offer us asylum or something?"

Lois folded her hands around the base of her coffee cup. "He'd offer *you* asylum, Lara. Remember? He doesn't like me too much." And it had nothing to do with her amateur photography. Or that picture of Dick sprawled out naked waiting for Kyle. Or the fact that Bruce was jealous as hell, either.

Oh, who was she kidding? Of *course* it had to do with all of that stuff!

"I'm sure he likes me enough to take you, too, Auntie Lo..."

Lois just shook her head. "Lara. We need to think seriously about this. You can't run away -- you're going to go to *college*. So, are they letting you?"

"We haven't talked about it yet," Lara mourned. "Father sent me to my room, and Daddy's just completely distraught. I don't see how they can *keep* me from it. I mean, I've been accepted and *everything*, and I've always *wanted* to go to Agnes Scott..."

"Well, since you're not eighteen yet, they could technically lock you in a room and only let you out for schooldays," Lois noted. "Particularly your father. How did he seem about it?"

"LOTS calmer than Daddy. I think he's just upset because Daddy's not ready for me to go away from home, yet," Lara admitted.

"So... then all we need to do is get your daddy to see the light. Do you want me to talk to him, Lara?"

"Would you?" Big green eyes pleaded so prettily, but Lois wasn't an idiot. She knew that Lara was more Lex's child than Clark's, and that behind those eyes, she had been plotting just that all along.

It didn't stop Lois from *going along* with it, of course. But she *knew*. Still, if she knew that Lara was working her, at least she knew what was going on. Plus she was already in trouble with Clark. It was funny how the parent she was least like was the parent that was least likely to let her go. "I will. If he doesn't cry all over me like a baby first."

"Daddy won't *cry*..." Lara didn't sound very certain about that. "Well. Not if Grandpa and Kon's boyfriend Tim are still at the penthouse."

"Oh. The whole *clan* is there?" And worse, she almost hadn't known. "How is Conner, honey? Is Tim... who I think he might be?"

"Dick-Take-Two?" Another thing about Lara to remember was that sometimes, she said things the way Auntie Lois would. Tact wasn't always her finer quality. "I suspect so. Kon's... puking his *guts* out. He ate something last night that made Father *and* Tim turn green."

"Uh. Weird pregnancy cravings. Your daddy had that." Lois shook her head a little as she remembered that. Worse, it was always when he was at the *desk*. "I'm talking shrimp tails in rocky road ice-cream."

"Avocados dipped in chocolate sauce and some kind of salsa made with asparagus. I think Father was okay until Conner asked for baked Alaska with a side of salmon to shred on top." Apparently, the difference between shrimp tails and salmon was being raised as a Kent or as a Luthor. Or something like that.

"... Apparently cravings get worse the more money you're used to having. Your dad's never shaken that whole country boy thing, you know? Pretty cheap cravings. I feel sorry for Tim."

"*I* don't. I mean, it's kind of his fault." Lara reached out and dipped a finger into Lois's whipped cream. "After all. He didn't wear a condom, and even boys who don't *like* girls are supposed to know that."

"Well, sometimes when two people are monogamous they don't bother with them." She eyed the dent in her whipped topping, and then looked over at Lara.

The *look* that she was giving Lois had 'Smallville' stamped all over it. "Auntie Lo, there's some things that just make sense. Monogamy has nothing to do with birth control. You taught me that a *long* time ago."

"That's right. Because Aunt Lois doesn't ever want to end up pregnant by Mr. Cute Tush But Not Much Up Top. The only explanation for your brother, Lara, is that boys are stupid." She sighed as she picked up her drink and took a slurping sip. "Then again, if your parents weren't stupid boys, you wouldn't be here."

"Point," Lara agreed with a heavy sigh to match Lois's. "I mean, anytime you hear them arguing over water-based lube and the properties thereof while Father demands that Daddy let him have his particle accelerator..."

"I don't even think that your father would know what to *do* with one. I think he just says it to get laid."

"...okay, EW. And EW. And... EURGH," Lara declared, shuddering. "Oh, Auntie *LO*. Don't SAY things like that to me."

"It's no secret that they have sex," Lois laughed, teasing Lara now. Revenge for the stolen whipped cream. "You know that as well as I do. You live with them!"

"Yes, but I should *never* have to consider particle accelerators as foreplay. Now. What are we going to do about me and you and Agnes Scott?"

~~~~~

He was going to have to tackle the situation with all the care of a swat team negotiator. Very few situations were more volatile than Clark Kent when it came to his baby girl. His scheming, conniving, baby girl.

She was a chip right off of her father's block, which made Lex part proud and part scared for her. But it was past time to let her fly off into the great wide world on her own. Now he just had to convince Clark to agree with him.

"If you keep thinking that loudly, the whole penthouse will hear you. Considering the fact that Tim and Conner are sleeping for the first time since he started puking up ice cream and fish, I'm pretty sure that one of them might try hurting you."

Not that they'd get *far*, but they'd try.

"I'm not thinking loudly -- I'm trying to work my way through an argument so I'll be ready when we have it." He put his book down on Clark's stomach, and turned slightly to look over at Clark.

"You know that's kind of pointless, Lex," Clark pointed out to him, stretching one arm up and sliding it beneath his pillow. "It never goes in the direction you think it will."

"No, but I can pretend it'll work out. For example, I've already decided that you'll throw my book if I suggest we let Lara go to college after all."

Clark shifted, both black brows raising. "And what if *I* told *you* that I had already decided the same thing?"

"That Lara's all grown up and ready to leave home?" Clark seemed to be inviting him, so Lex knocked the book off of Clark and onto the floor. "Despite the fact that our son is pregnant, I think we've done a good job with them."

"Even if Lara's a little *too* much like her father," Clark agreed, rubbing a thumb against Lex's cheekbone.

"It makes up for Kon being almost a clone of you." Lex smiled as he leaned into Clark's hand. "I wondered for a while there if you'd asexually reproduced."

Clark snickered. "Huh. No. I assure you, your zygotes were properly shared. I mean, I wanted ice cream and sauerkraut. Only *your* son would eat baked Alaska with barbecued salmon, Lex. Pregnant or otherwise."

"So enjoyment of the finer things is genetic. I gave him his eye color and his need to eat gourmet cereal when he was three, right?" Lex tilted his head down, kissed Clark's chin.

"Mhm," Clark agreed. "Totally your fault. Actually... you know what I realized? About our kids being all grown up, I mean."

A lot of things. They'd have time for themselves again -- not that he'd begrudge either of their kids the time they took -- and maybe they could go on a real vacation to some place that didn't involve amusement parks. "We can have sex on the kitchen table again?"

The slow spread of Clark's grin was hot in a way Lex hadn't imagined since, well. Since Lara had been conceived. "And the foyer floor," he agreed.

Sixteen years was a long time to go without any chance at all of having sex beyond the closed and double locked doors of their bedroom. "Why don't we start here and see how far we can get?"

"That sounds like the best idea I've heard since Conner was born," Clark murmured.

And they did.

End