Title:  Truths Hurt.
Author:  AtieJen
Email:  atiejen@hotmail.com 
Rating: PG 13
Challenge: Phoenix -Clark/Lex hug
Notes:  This is more like a preslash fic. Not Beta’d and I hope to come back to this universe and do some work sometime.
Summary:  The truth hurts but most of the time, it really does set you free.

As he wrapped his arms round his once dead best friend, Clark couldn’t help the deep breath that he released.  Simultaneously, he took in a whiff of the body in his arms and could only smell his friend.  Beneath the perfume and the sweat, there was something that was solely Lex, something that he had been missing for a long time, and something he didn’t want to let go of.  And as if Lex knew what he was going through, the older man allowed him the hug.  Even when Clark tightened him arms almost beyond what any human should have been able to endure.  

“It’s me, Clark.  I’m here, don’t worry.” 

“Lex,” Clark asked again tightening his hold and Lex also hugged him close, murmuring into his shoulders, “Yes Clark, it is me.” 

“I thought I’d lost you” he whispered into his friend’s shoulders before continuing a bit louder, “Aw, man! Aw, Lex, we thought you died.”  When Clark released him, he saw that Lex only quirked his lip in a smirk before telling him, “I’m not that easy to lose, Clark, and apparently fate has bigger plans for me. I heard about the farm. Anything I can do?" 

He shook his head as he answered, “No, Lex, you know my dad.”  Lex smiled at that in commiseration, “It's good to see you. What happened?”  Clark asks his best friend, and Lex answered him almost cryptically, “Something I didn't know I was capable of. It's ironic. In the most remote solitude I still managed to find an enemy. I suppose I was just hallucinating from malaria, but the enemy I found was real. I got a good look at myself, or at least the part I've always tried to ignore.” 

That statement hit something in Clark that hadn’t quite been buried since his return from Metropolis, and he looked at his friend in understanding before saying, “ Lex, I guess we all got to take a look at our dark side sooner or later.” 

Lex nodded at him in agreement before saying, “The problem is if you stare at it long enough, it can get hard to tell the two sides apart.” 

Standing there in the presence of his best friend, Clark couldn’t stop the words that bubbled out of him; “It is good to see you, Lex. I have missed you.” 

Lex drew away from him at that and looked searchingly into his eyes and even though what Clark really wanted to do was to squirm away from his friend’s look, he forced himself to face Lex and listen to what the older man wanted to say.  However, his heart dropped when Lex looked away from his eyes for a moment, as if he hadn’t found what he’d been looking for before answering him, “I’m sure you have.”  

Lex might have tried to hide it but Clark could hear the skepticism in his voice when he said that and almost visibly winced when he heard it.  Clark refused to dwell on it and gently pulled Lex’s face towards him before repeating, “I have missed you.” 

“I believe you, Clark.”  Lex said to him, and before he could continue, Clark interrupted him, telling him, “No you don’t, but it’s true.” 

“I have to go now, Clark.”  Lex said into the silence that had suddenly developed between them, and try as him might, Clark couldn’t think of what to say that would keep Lex there. 

“Can I come and see you later?” Clark asked instead and the pinched look on Lex’s face told him that it might not have been the right thing to say but he pressed on.  “I know we have a lot to talk about, or maybe I have a lot to say but I can’t do it now, and this is not exactly the best place, Lex.  Please.” Clark told himself that he wasn’t above begging, if it gave him his best friend who had just returned from the dead. 

“I’ve got a lot of things to do today, Clark.”  Lex finally told him, and Clark immediately asked, “then when?” 

“You’ve got to give me some time, Clark.  I’ve literally just come back to Smallville. I still have quite a lot of things to sort out.” Lex told him looking away from where they stood.  Clark couldn’t imagine what Lex was looking at and even what he saw but he also turned to look into the distance like his friend. 

“I get that, Lex. Really I do.  But I kind of hoped I’d fit in there somewhere.”  Clark said quietly looking at the semi-stranger standing next to him through the side of his eyes. 

Lex then released a deep breath and looked back at him, “Okay Clark.  You can come to the mansion tomorrow evening.”  Clark couldn’t help the big smile he gave Lex at that, and was even more glad when Lex quirked a small smile back at him. 

The rest of the day flew for Clark as he tried to rid himself of the remnants of his life in Metropolis, and reconnect with his Mom and friends.  While he was grateful to return home, he knew that he had burned quite a few bridges in his life and had a lot to work out.  

The next day, long before he was due at the mansion, Clark made his way there in trepidation.  It felt as if there was a big ball resting on his heart that told him that the conversation to come between himself and Lex was indeed the make or break one of their relationship, and he knew also that he would have to explain everything to his friend.  He’d seen the shadows of hate, anger and betrayal in Lex’s eyes when the other man had been at his farm, and he’d also heard about Lex’s suspicion of Helen in his supposed death.  Clark knew that there was only so much more that Lex would take from anyone and from him in particular. 

Clark stood outside the castle for a while before ringing the bell.  When he was finally let in, he walked in slowly, with his heart in his mouth.  Quite a difference from the way he’d previously entered his friend’s home. 

Lex was waiting for him by the stairs and called out to him quietly, “Clark.” 

“Hey Lex, how are you doing?”  Whatever confidence and even overconfidence that he’d found both in Metropolis and in the red kryptonite deserted Clark, and he found himself shuffling his feet and looking away from his friend.  Lex must have found this funny because the older man snorted at him, and as Clark looked up at the sound, Lex looked away but Clark caught the quickly hidden smile on the older man’s face. 

“Yeah, I know.  The dork strikes again.”  Clark said ruefully,  Lex gave him a small smile and for that moment, Clark felt like nothing had changed between them.  As if Lex hadn’t just returned from the dead and Clark hadn’t spent the better part of the last three months in Metropolis drowning in the darkest recesses of his person. 

No sooner had he thought that, almost as though a switch had been turned off, Lex’s face closed off and he looked away from Clark.  They both started down the corridor and Lex led Clark to his study.  When they got there, Lex poured himself some whiskey on the rocks and offered Clark the something from the fridge but he declined.  In his opinion, he was nervous enough.  Clark watched as Lex made himself comfortable in his reclining chair and look at him questioningly. 

He gulped and sat down, as far as he could from Lex’s searching gaze, but didn’t quite know where to start. 

When the silence got too oppressive, Lex broke it, saying “I had a lot of things to do today Clark, but you wanted to talk.  Please, entertain me.”  His sarcasm was obvious, causing Clark to look away.  

“You know, I meant what I said about each of us having a dark side that we all have to look at sooner or later.” Clark started, causing Lex to look at him saying “hmm.  Are we talking about your dark side or mine now?” 

“Yours, mine, we all face it don’t we?” Clark almost murmured, looking inward and still trying to find the words to explain what he’d done and what he’d gone through. 

“…Clark?” he heard Lex call as if from far away and he looked back at his friend to notice that he’d moved and was now sharing the couch with Clark. 

“Yeah?” he answered. 

“You were far away.  Where were you?” Lex asked him, and Clark only shrugged back at him. 

“Are you okay? Clark, what happened?”  Lex asked him and when Clark looked at him, he saw the barely disguised worry in his eyes. That more than anything got him out of the chair and pacing the study.  He barely heard Lex huff in almost annoyance but he kept pacing the study, trying to get his words out. 

“Clark, enough.  Stop pacing because you’re likely to make at least one of us dizzy.” 

That got through to Clark and he turned to see that Lex had returned to his chair.  He joined him there but sat on the floor with his back to Lex and rested his head on the arm of the chair.

Quietly, he told his friend what he could of his story.  “The last few months even before you supposedly died have been really hard for me.  I always believed that my parents were right about everything with regards to our family and that I would always have my friends.  I mean, everyone thought I was this big dork who couldn’t do anything right, but that was okay.  Smallville wasn’t Metropolis but it was what I knew and even though I had dreams of leaving here someday, it was still home.” Clark went silent after that, and he knew he wasn’t really explaining himself very well but he couldn’t really tell Lex everything right then. 

“Then one evening, things changed.  I met you; I found out that my parents kept these really big secrets, which I had now had to keep.  My friendships were not what I thought they were.  Smallville had suddenly become something else.  Everywhere I turned, I was finding something dangerous or my friends were in one kind of trouble or the other and sometimes, the more I tried to help, the worse it got.  And I couldn’t even tell anyone what was happening.  Sometimes, I couldn’t even go to my parents … because a part of me was asking … if there was something else that they were keeping from me.”  Clark’s pauses between words had become more prominent, and he moved his head so that the tears that were filling his eyes wouldn’t fall.  He wasn’t fully conscious of resting his head on Lex’s knees and letting his weight fall on Lex’s legs.  

Into the silence, he continued his tale.  “You were my best friend Lex,  … and even though I knew that there was so much that I couldn’t tell you, It felt good to know that you were there, you know.”  at this, he looked up at Lex to find the other man looking down at him somberly.   He gave Lex a small smile and looked away again.  Vaguely, he felt Lex’s fingers go through his hair and that gave him the impudence to continue. 

“Then I saw that you knew I was lying to you, and then you started drawing away slowly.  The next thing I knew, you were getting married, and Mum was pregnant, and with so many things pulling at me from different places, I just wanted it to stop. … … I really wanted to come to you and just tell you everything. … I wanted to ask you to help me make sense of it all.  Then I saw that you looked like you were finally getting some happiness with Helen, and I told myself not to be selfish. So I let it continue, and then it got to be too much. … I started drowning in my and everybody else’s problems and I just couldn’t see a way out.” 

Clark shuddered in remembrance before continuing, “the next thing I heard was that you were dead, and I knew, I just knew.”  Here he had to take some deep breaths, not being able to continue.  

“What did you know, Clark?”  Lex asked him 

“I heard you were dead, Lex.  And I knew that you’d left me alone.  I know I told you once that nobody was meant to be alone, but I meant you because without you, I was alone.  I needed you. … I really needed you, Lex, and you weren’t there.”  Clark wrapped his arms tightly around the leg closest to him and looked up at Lex with tears in his eyes.  He could no longer hide his pain and tearfully asked, “Where were you, Lex.” 

The older man looked down at him and with his trembling lips was the only thing that gave away how much Clark’s words had affected him.  Lex leaned down and pulled Clark’s head into his shoulders in an awkward hug but this didn’t stop Clark’s words.  Now that he’d started, he had to tell Lex everything.  “I couldn’t hold the pain in anymore, and no one could help me. Then Mum lost the baby, and everyone was so sad and angry, so I had to leave.  I couldn’t help them anymore…. I was only hurting everyone. … Why weren’t you there?” 

“Shhhh…”  Lex murmured to him and pulled him closer in comfort.  That released the dam of pain that Clark had buried and for the first time in so many months, he let go and wept on his friend’s shoulder.  Lex continued holding him and murmuring more words of comfort until Clark’s tears tapered out.  “It’s alright Clark, I’m here now.” Clark heard him say repeatedly and even as he stopped crying, he couldn’t help holding onto the man and onto those words. 

When Clark raised his head from Lex’s shoulder, he found them both sitting on the ground and he was almost completely on Lex’s laps.  He felt his face redden but he couldn’t bring himself to care very much.   The comfort that Lex gave him was worth it. 

“Are you better now?”  Lex asked him and he nodded before trying to move away.  Lex didn’t give him the freedom; rather just tightened his arms around Clark and after a moment, the younger man stopped fidgeting and let himself rest on his friend. 

“You know, I would have been there if I could.” Lex told him and he felt bad upon remembering all that Lex himself had been through.  “I know, Lex.  I’m sorry, I was just …" 

“Don’t apologize.  You just told me what you needed to and I’d rather have that than lies anytime.” 

“Yeah.” 

“You know that I need to know everything.” Lex told him, making him look up in question “Lex?” 

“If you believe that I’m not meant to be alone, and since I don’t want you to be alone, I’ll help you.  Rather, I think we’ll help each other but I will need to know everything.” 

“I can’t …” Clark started to object.  But Lex just placed two fingers over his mouth, quieting him.  

“Right now, Clark, I can’t tell you that I understand all of what you’ve been through.  But I get the feeling that we’ve both had to face unimaginable things in our recent past and you’re not the only one that wants to move on from there.  There is a reason why the very thought of my death would drive you to the depths that it did.  There is a reason that your home was the first place that I could think of going as soon as I left Metropolis.” 

“What is the reason?”  Clark asked his friend and though Lex looked away from him, Clark could discern the seriousness and truthfulness of his next words.  “That is what we have to find out. That is why we have to stop hiding and tell ourselves the truth.  But one truth I know is that you are my lifeline, as I found out on that island.  It seems that I am also yours, as you recently found out.  Don’t let go, Clark and I promise you that I won’t let you go as well.” 

Clark hugged Lex tightly when he heard murmured into the shoulder he was resting on, “Thank you, Lex.  Thank you.”  Lex hugged him back, and for the life of him, Clark couldn’t stop the kiss that he placed on the neck before him. He felt Lex shiver at it and tighten his hug.  That told him that they’d be okay. 

It might take a while, but they’d get there.

END