Title: Blowup Dolls and Alien
Author: daylight shadow
Rating: R
Pairing: CLex
Disclaimer: not mine.
Summary: Lex swears off women and men, Clark helps by
coming up with alternatives.
Note: For the CLFF 7th wave First Line challenge:
"After Helen and her betrayal, I've decided to give up
women."

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Blowup Dolls and Alien
=======

"After Helen and her betrayal, I've decided to give up
women." Lex picked up a shot of vodka and drank it in
one gulp.

He and Clark were sitting comfortably in his study,
reclining back in the leather couch. On the table
before them, where Clark had propped his feet up, were
Clark's Ty-Nant and Lex's vodka and shot glass.

"Really?" Clark couldn't stop the joy from seeping
into his voice. He coughed. "I mean, really?" He tried
again for the concerned friend tone, but it failed
miserably when Lex glanced at him suspiciously.

"You sound awfully happy about it."

Figuring it was time to use his
I'm-so-innocent-and-no-Dad-I-didn't-eat-the-last-piece-of-mom's-pie
look, Clark gave Lex the practiced wide-eyed stare.
"Do I?"

Apparently, it wasn't working on Lex as his suspicious
glance turned into a suspicious glare. "Clark…"

"Yes, Lex?" Clark tried desperately to hold on to his
innocent act.

Lex stared at Clark for a moment then decided to drop
it. "Never mind." He leaned over and poured himself
another shot of vodka. He frowned as he wondered why
he wasn't drunk yet. He had chosen vodka instead of
his usual scotch because he hoped that maybe an
unfamiliar alcohol would intoxicate him sooner.

"You shouldn't drink so much."

"It's water." He deadpanned; only the smirk at the
corner of his lips gave away the sarcasm.

Clark held up his bottle of water. "No, this is
water."

"Well, this is water too." Lex smirked. "Just in a
different glass." He tossed back the shot.

"Sure." Clark shook his head and took a sip of his
water, wondering how many shots Lex had. He was
already drinking when Clark stopped by to ask if Lex
wanted to talk about Helen. But Lex didn't look drunk
to him.

"Maybe I can sleep with men." Lex said casually as he
refilled his glass.

Clark found out that a shout of joy didn't bode well
when swallowing as he choked on his water. He hastily
put the glass back on the table before he dropped it
on the carpet. Okay, Lex was drunker than he appeared,
he thought.

"Are you enjoying choking?" Lex asked, amusement
filling his voice.

A strained cough was Clark's answer and he shot Lex a
look of contempt.

"You look terribly happy for someone who has water
down his windpipe."

Clark cleared his throat and tried to stop grinning
like a maniac. "Do I?"

"Must we go through this again?" He tipped back his
head and finished his third shot of vodka.

"Go through what again?" Clark fixed his innocent look
in Lex's direction.

Lex sighed, then suddenly groaned and banged his head
against the table. "Shit!"

Clark jumped at Lex's unexpected action. "What?" He
put his arm around Lex's shoulder and leaned him back
to the couch. "Are you hurt? Is your head okay?"

"I can't have sex with men." Lex seemed oblivious to
the red swelling on his forehead.

"What!"

If possible, Clark looked even more upset than Lex.
"What?" He bit his tongue. "Owww!"

"Damn it! I swore off men when Robert screwed me
over." He wryly chuckled. "And not in a good way." He
paid no attention to Clark's whine.

"Lex!" Clark whined, hoping to drag Lex's thoughts
away from reminiscing about his ex-lover. "I'm in pain
here."

"You're in any life-threatening pain?"

A muffled "No" was Clark's reply.

"Okay then bite your tongue. I'm in more pain." He
waved a dismissive hand at Clark and refilled his
glass.

"But Lex… I did bite my tongue."

"Huh?" He downed his drink.

"I bit my tongue."

He shot Clark an amused look. "Clark, it was an
expression. You didn't have to take it seriously."

"I didn't! I did bite my tongue before…" Seeing how
pointless the argument was, Clark's shoulders sagged.
"Never mind."

"Where was I?" Lex reached for the bottle of vodka but
Clark stopped him by lying a hand on top of Lex's.
Surprisingly, Lex didn't argue as he pulled his hand
back.

Clark rubbed his fingers together, hoping to feel
Lex's skin under his hand again.

"You've had enough. And I think you were talking about
how Robert," He glowered at a random point on the wall
when he said the name, "screwed you over?"

"Oh yeah." Lex sighed. "So what do I have to do now?"

"Do for what?"

"Sex."

"Well…" Clark blushed and refrained from offering
himself as a solution to Lex's problem.

Before Clark could say anything else, Lex threw his
hands up in frustration and leaned back against the
couch. "I refuse to live the rest of my life with
masturbation as my sex life!"

"Why not?" Clark ignored his brain's suggestion of
adding 'and can I watch?' at the end.

"Because it's boring and repetitive! How many plots
are there in most porn? Two or three main ones?" He
let out a heavy sigh and rubbed his forehead, which
sported the red mark from the table. Lex never liked
porn. It was all about lust and not love. Seldom did
the characters in a porn flick cuddle together
afterwards, and that was what Lex wanted.

"But there's other stuff than porn. Phone sex, cyber
sex, magazines…"

Clark trailed off when Lex stared at him with mirth
dancing in his eyes. "Do I want to know how you know
this?"

"Err, I'm a teenager?"

"Huh." Lex didn't comment further even though he
looked like he wanted to. "God, I'm desperate!" He
closed his eyes.

"So…no masturbation." Clark said as he racked his
brain for another option. "How about a blow up doll? I
hear they have suction and almost feel like the real
thing…"

Lex opened his eyes and his lips twitched in
amusement. "Again, do I want to know how you know
this?"

"I said I 'heard' about it."

"Sure…" Lex didn't hesitate to let the doubt seep into
his voice.

"I mean it! I don't know anything about blow up dolls
or how they have suction within and some of them even
produce lubrication! I have no idea about any of
that!"

"Interesting way you have of proving you have no idea
about it." Lex snickered and raised an eyebrow.

"I… There… Pete…" Clark struggled for words. "I was
online and there was an ad." He finished off lamely.
"So, back to your sex life!"

Lex graciously let Clark's weak attempt to change the
subject slide and his face took on a sullen look. "My
non-existent sex life."

"Well, there was the blow-up doll suggestion…" Clark
wanted to kick himself for bringing it back up again.

"Do you have any idea how pathetic that is?"

"Well, you did say you were desperate." Clark was
grateful that Lex didn't focus on his source of extent
blow-up doll knowledge.

"Shut up." Lex glared at Clark. "So what can I do now?
Swore off men and women, masturbation is out the
question, and blow-up dolls are too pathetic. God, I'm
screwed!"

"Well…" He hesitated. "There is another way."

"Really?" Lex sounded intrigued but dubious. After
all, Clark's last suggestion was blow-up dolls. "What
is it?"

Taking a deep breath, Clark answered. "Aliens."

Lex blinked and obviously stunned. "Aliens."

"Yeah." He fidgeted.

"Aliens." Lex repeated the word slowly and burst into
laughter. In his hazy mind, he knew Clark was telling
the truth, and he should be outraged at Clark's
pathetic lies or even a mental pat on the back for
suspecting something abnormal about Clark. Yet the
feeling of laughter and relief of Clark being honest
was too good to be wasted on questions.

"Hey!" Clark cried indignantly. "Stop laughing! I mean
it!"

Lex ignored him as he was laughing hysterically.

"It's not that funny!" Clark's frown deepened when Lex
snorted.

Lex slowly sobered up. "Sorry, sorry. But really,
Clark. Where can I find an…" His lips curled up.
"alien?" Then he resumed laughing.

"Lex!"

Hearing Clark's exasperation, Lex forced himself to
stop laughing. "I'll stop. Sorry. Aliens." He
chuckled.

"Argh!" Clark grabbed Lex's face and kissed him. "Yes,
aliens!"

"You're not an…"

"Oh yes I am!" Clark thumped his chest in a caveman
like manner. "Alien. Me. Alien."

"Clark," Lex started, but Clark captured his lips
again.

"Lex," Clark put a finger on top of Lex's lips to
prevent any more questions. "I am an alien."

When they parted, Lex was breathless and looking at
Clark with dilating eyes. "Aliens it is then." And he
dove back in for another kiss.

END