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Rae Blackman “Hello, I’m Chloe Sullivan,” the blonde haired reporter stood in front of the Daily Planet building. “Welcome to a special episode of Queer Eye for the Metropolis Guy. I’m sure like me you are constantly shocked by some of the outfits worn by the Metropolis man, especially considering the city is home to The Sexy. A man who regularly tops every single best-dressed poll there is. You would think that this would inspire the Metropolis male to make an effort, instead of looking like a blind man dressed them in the dark. As this is a special episode, we have our very own fab five. There’s Jay who’s in charge of fashion.” The camera cuts to clip of an effeminate dark haired man rifling through a closet. “Oh my! We’ve got plaid, plaid and more plaid. Do you think he’s got enough plaid in here?” “David, who’s in charge of food and wine.” The camera cuts to a clip of a tall blond haired man rummaging through a kitchen cupboard. “ Let’s see now… Twinkies, Twinkies, Twinkies and Pop Tarts. I like a guy that has a little variety!” “James who deals with interior design.” The camera cuts to clip of tall smartly dressed man lifting a plaid curtain and looking a round an eccentrically furnished messy room. “What is this? Is this what they call farm boy chic?” “Bill who’s in charge of culture.” The camera cuts to a clip of a blue-eyed Texan. “Any guy that’s got Tammy Wynette in his music collection is a guy that I can get behind.” “And last but by no means least, Raven.” The camera cuts to shot of a black haired man with very distinctive features in a very sparse bathroom. “Show me the products! Where are the products?” “This week we are going to be working on one of Metropolis’ favourite sons, Clark Kent. The image of Chloe Sullivan was replaced on screen by an unflattering headshot of Clark Kent in a cheap crushed looking white shirt, hideous tie and thick black glasses. “It says here that we are working with a Clark Kent” Bill read from the front passenger seat. “Oh my god!” Jay reached forward and snatched the folder out of his hand. “THE Clark Kent?” “Is there more than one?” Raven leaned across to look at the folder. “That’s a bad photo. He does seem to have a nice bone structure. We’ve got to do something about those glasses.” “Good Lord, do they even still make those?” “Ok we’re here!” James called out as he parked the truck. The camera showed the guys running up to Clark Kent’s apartment and banging on the door. “Hi, you’ve got the wrong apartment. It’s one floor down!” Clark opened the door slightly. “I don’t think so, honey!” Jay stuck his foot in the door. “We’re from Queer Eye for the Metropolis Guy. Your friends called us.” “Friends?” Clark asked confused. He let go of the door as he turned back into the apartment. “Pete?” “I can see you’re busy Clark. How about I see you tomorrow? Lana’s going to be wondering where I got to.” The door opened to reveal a short black man beating a hasty retreat. “Wait! Pete!” Clark called after him but by this time Pete had disappeared halfway down the stairs. All five guys and camera crew took the opportunity to gain access to the apartment. The camera panned around the large eclectically furnished loft. Every available surface was littered with take out containers. David turned to Clark “I’m guessing you eat out. A lot.” “Yeah, well there is not really that much time for cooking.” James looked at the curtains, looked at Clark, and looked at the curtains again. “Are those plaid?” he asked gesturing to the curtains covering the twelve floor to ceiling windows. “Yeah. My mom made those for me.” “Ah!” Raven screamed from the bathroom “Show me the product! Where’s the product?” “Product?” Clark asked from the bathroom doorway. “What do you wash with? There’s nothing in here.” “Soap.” Clark replied as he reached into the huge shower cubicle and retrieved the tiniest sliver of soap. “That’s what you’re washing with?” “Uh-huh.” Raven held out the bin. “I think that’s dead now.” “Oh my!” Jay exclaimed as he threw open the closet doors. “We’ve got plaid, plaid and more plaid. Do you think he’s got enough plaid in here?” “He seems to like plaid, it keep appearing in the most unusual places,” James said from his spot on the King size bed covered in a blue plaid quilt. “Plaid is for work clothes, if you are a lumberjack or something. Not if you’re a city report…Ah, my eyes.” “What’s the matter?” James jumped off the bed. “These!” Jay pulled out several hideously coloured ties and waved them at James. “Yeow. What did he do? Go into the shop and ask for the ugliest ties they had?” “Lord alone only knows.” “So,” James looked at Clark, as they both sat on a sofa in the main room. “I’m getting the sense that you really like blue and red, not forgetting yellow. Primary colours tend to clash with each other, so it’s not really a good idea to have so many of them in the same area. I’m going to thin out your stuff and perhaps tone down the colour scheme. Also we’re going to pick some furniture that fits in here. That you can really fit in. How tall are you?” “Six, four.” “Yeah, you should really be going for the oversized chairs so you can really stretch out.” “Are you done yet?” Jay whined. “I wanna go shopping.” “Jeez, give a guy a gold card…” “Clark, you’re with me and Raven. Let’s motor.” 9:30am Krista’s Hair Treatment Boutique, Downtown. Clark sat in a chair, his body covered in a plastic cape. Raven stood in front of him. “First, we’re going to get Krista here to wash your hair. Then she’ll cut and blow-dry it. You’ve got pretty good skin but I think we’ll give you a seaweed mask to exfoliate your skin. It doesn’t hurt to do these things once in a while.” “Um I’ve been going to get my hair cut in the same place since I was eighteen. He’d be pretty upset if I went somewhere else.” “Er...” “Thank you Raven. I just knew you’d understand.” Clark smiled almost blinding Raven. 11:00am Epsom Designs, West Metropolis. “Did you have a nice time with Raven?” James asked as they walked further into the furniture store. “Yes he was very understanding.” “Really?” “Oh yes, when I explained that I couldn’t possibly get my hair cut he accepted it straight away.” “Huh. You’ll have to tell me your secret. Now the reason I’ve brought you here is to show you these.” James indicated to a set of large oversized leather sofas. “What do you think?” “They’re really comfortable. I can really stretch out.” “Yeah, when you look at furniture you want to make sure it fits you and the room.” 12:05pm Roethchilde, Garment District. “I’ll just show you what I’ve picked out for you to wear. I’ve got some tailored suits for you to try first. You see this shirt here and the tie?” Jay held out a light blue shirt and tie. “They match. In your case it’s a good idea to have a matching shirt and tie. I’m keeping this pretty simple so you don’t get confused.” Jay picked up some trousers. “Now for casual wear I’ve got you some cargo pants and t-shirts. After I got rid of all the plaid and bad suits, I did find some pretty good stuff in your closet. Did you buy those?” “No…Le…a friend bought those for me.” Clark finished sheepishly. “That’s what I figured. We’ll just be getting stuff to complement your closet, instead of completely replacing it.” 14:30pm LexMart, Old Town. “So, how many people will be coming over?” David asked as they pushed a trolley down the supermarket isle. “Perhaps twenty.” “Twenty?” David asked visibly shocked. “Well, people asked and I couldn’t really say no.” “I can see how that could happen. It’s a good thing that I’ve picked something really simple for you to do. If I had known how many people were coming I would have suggested getting the food catered.” “We could always…” Clark started. “No, it’s fine. You just going to have to make more pizzas than I’d originally planned.” James picked up five very large bags of shredded cheese. “Besides LexMart is known for its great range of party food.” 3:45pm Clark pushed open the door to his apartment. “Wow!” He gazed around in astonishment. “This is really amazing. Have I come to the right apartment?” “If you look round you’ll see that I’ve defined this room into separate areas.” James showed Clark the work he had done. “This is a really large room and even though you had so much clutter around it still felt huge. First of all I’ve defined the dining area over here by the kitchen.” The camera focused on a large wooden dinning table that could comfortably seat twelve. “So you’ve now got somewhere to entertain. Over here by the TV I’ve added those oversized leather sofas that we went to see in Epsom Designs. I also picked up the matching coffee table. And over here I’ve made this more of a home office area.” James came to a stop by the desk. “There’s a new desk, shelving and some storage. You also notice that I’ve added two blinds to every window. The windows are just so large that you are really restricted in what you can do with them. This way you could have the top blind open, and not the bottom. Or the bottom blinds open and not the top. Or you could have both open; the choice is up to you.” James walked into the bedroom. “In the bedroom, I didn’t really do that much. Just bought some new bed linen. Similarly with the bathroom I just added a palm.” James opened the door onto a vast modern kitchen, that would be the envy of many a restaurant. “Now here in the kitchen underneath everything was a pretty nice kitchen. No, a really nice kitchen. Where did you get it?" “I’m not too sure, it was a few years ago now.” “It can’t have been that long ago surely?” James asked in disbelief. “This is a top of the line kitchen it must have set you back at least $50,000.” “Well…er…I didn’t actually buy it. A friend knew a designer and they dealt with everything.” Clark said vaguely. “Nice friend,” James remarked. “The best,” Clark smiled widely. “Anyway,” James continued. “I’ve added a breakfast bar and put out all of those gadgets that were in the back of the cupboards gathering dust. I’ve tried to create a comfortable sophisticated bachelor pad, instead of a messy frat house.” “This is much better than before. I’m sure that…my friends will love it. More importantly my Mom will love it.” “Ok, for a guy who never cooks I thought we’d keep it simple. Just put all your ingredients in the bread maker and it will do all the work for you.” “Oh, you don’t need to put it in the oven?” Clark asked as he watched David empty the ingredients into the bread maker. “Yes. No. I mean it will mix the pizza dough for us. So you can get on with preparing the toppings. Chopping the onions, tomatoes, meats etc. Also you can be getting on with making the coleslaw. Normally you would have to chop and slice everything finely but as you have this great food processor we can just use that to chop and slice everything. Then just pour on the Mayo and add some freshly chopped chives. If you just put that out in a bowl with the salad in another bowl. Once the pizzas are done if you leave them to cool for a few minutes before cutting them and putting them on trays.” David paused moving further along the counter. “ Now for dessert I’m going to show you how to make blueberry muffins. It’s really simple; you just mix all the dry ingredients in one bowl. All the wet in another then add them together. It doesn’t matter if the mixture is lumpy. Just put it in the muffin tin and bake with the pizzas for half an hour ok?” “I think I can do that.” “Thanks a lot for all everything. It was great meeting you guys.” Clark hugged each guy in turn as they made to leave his apartment. “I’ll call you about that interview next week.” “Ok,” they replied as one. 7:30pm On screen: Clark was preparing the pizza toppings when the oven timer beeped. He took out two trays. Off screen: “What’s that?” David asked looking at the screen. “Looks like fried chicken and corn bread.” Bill replied. “I didn’t show him how to the make that. We didn’t buy any. How does he know how to make that?” On screen: Clark was getting undressed in the bathroom. He switched on the shower. Off screen: “Would you look at that chest?” James asked. “Who knew he had such a hot body?” “Oh I did. I was taking him some clothes in the changing room.” “And you never said?” “Well he seemed so embarrassed.” “Got to you too did he? “What did he do to you?” “There was the whole not having a haircut thing. Then he couldn’t have new glasses because they took two weeks.” “He mentioned the haircut thing.” “Now that’s just rude.” Jay remarked to no one in particular as the bathroom filled with thick steam. On screen: Clark was pulling on a tight white t-shirt. Off screen: “Would you look at that ass?” “Never mind his ass look at his chest!” “What do you mean never mind his ass?” “Are those new glasses?” “Face it guys Clark’s a closet stud. Among other things” Chloe sat in-between James and Bill. “Chloe!” The guys greeted happily. “What are you doing here?” James asked. “You’re kidding right? I wouldn’t miss this for the world. I brought fortune cookies.” On screen: Clark was filling up the dining room table with food and drink. Off screen: “What’s he doing, feeding the five thousand?” “Clark always ate enough in a day to feed a family of four for a week.” “You’re kidding right?” James turned to her. “No.” “So you know Clark pretty well then?” David asked. “Yeah.” “Where did he get all that food from?” “At a guess I’d say he cooked it,” Chloe looked at David. “He didn’t let you think that he couldn’t cook did he?” Chloe’s musical laugh rang out. “It’s nice to know some things never change. Clark doesn’t go out of his way to debase you of your ideas about him, even if they are totally wrong. In answer to your question, Clark grew up on a farm; his mother ran a baking business. If she got sick Clark would have to take over.” “But…er…” David stumbled. “He’s good.” Bill remarked. “What’s that now, three for three?” “Three for three?” Chloe asked confused. “He talked Raven out of giving him a haircut and new glasses, made David believe he couldn’t cook and made Jay feel sorry for him.” On screen: Clark answered the door “Hi Mom.” He reached down to hug the small silver haired woman. “Hi Sweetie,” she hugged him back. “Oh don’t you look smart. Turn around. My aren’t you the hottie.” “Mom!” “What? I’m not blind.” Off screen: “I like her, she’s adorable. I want a mom like that.” Raven remarked. “Mom, if you’re watching I love you.” “That was a good save.” Bill patted his knee. On screen: Clark showed Martha around the apartment. “This is just lovely Clark. Those boys did a wonderful job.” Martha glanced at the table. “You should have let me bring an apple pie.” Off screen: “Isn’t that just like a Mom?” Bill asked. “The table is groaning under the weight of all the food and she doesn’t think there is enough.” On screen: “Mom, sit down and relax. I’ve got one in the oven.” Clark handed her a glass of Champagne before going to answer the door. Off screen: “Hey isn’t that Pete Ross?” “Clark and Pete have been friends since kindergarten,” Chloe admitted. “Is there anyone Clark doesn’t know? You, Pete Ross, Lois Lane – next thing you know Lex Luthor will be coming out of the closet.” “Be careful what you wish for.” Chloe murmured under her breath. “What?” “Hey, aren’t you guys going to read your fortune cookies?” “Ooh I forgot all about those.” Jay immediate rummaged in the bag. “Hmm.” “Don’t keep us in suspense, what does it say?” Bill asked impatiently. “A gold card isn’t better than a regular credit card.” “Toss me one of those.” James broke open his cookie. “Wool is always better than shag-pile.” “Where did you get those cookies?” Bill asked Chloe. “I was doing a story on the booming trade in counterfeit fortune cookies. So you’re reading my research.” “Ok, pass me one of those Jay. Thanks. ‘Modern Art is a waste.’ True.” “Cooked is better than raw.” David read. “These are the strangest fortune cookies I’ve ever read. Raven aren’t you going to take one?” “Oh My God,” Raven exclaimed as he stared fixedly at the screen. On screen: Lex Luthor walked into Clark’s apartment, and greeted everyone before disappearing into Clark’s bedroom with his luggage. Off screen: “Ok, so now he’s friends with Lex Luthor?” On screen: Clark entered the bedroom as Lex is putting his clothes away. “I’ve missed you.” Clark lowered his head and thoroughly kissed Lex Luthor. Off screen: “Yeah, I’ve never ever stuck my tongue that far down one of my friends throats.” Jay divulged. “Boyfriend, yes. Friend, no.” “But…isn’t…erm.” “There’s no mention of ‘straight’ in the title of this show,” David remarked. “Well…I kind of assumed…” “I can’t believe I was that close to that beautiful man and I never hit on him” Jay commented. “Somehow I don’t think you could have competed.” “I don’t care Bill. I just wanted the chance. “I can get you some ‘Babylon’ tickets.” Chloe offered. “You can get me into the hippest gay club in the city? How?” “Lex is the owner.” “What are we waiting for then? Let’s motor” Jay jumped up. “Raven has to read his fortune.” “Raven!” Jay whined. “You’re holding us up. Are they still kissing?” “It’s not been that long. I’ve seen them kissing for longer. Be thankful kissing is all they’re doing.” “Oh?” Jay asked intrigued. “Think porn then multiply by a factor of a thousand.” “Ok, so maybe we don’t need to go to Babylon after all.” “Speak for yourself,” David turned his head sideways. “Do you think Luthor is hairless everywhere?” “Argh!” Raven exclaimed as the screen went blank. “So what did your fortune say then Raven?” James asked. “You’ve heard ours.” “Ok but it makes no sense. ‘Just remember one thing: the bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.’” << |