Title: A Life Not Flat

Author: Myownspecialself

Feedback address: myownspecialself@yahoo.com  

Rating: NC-17

Warning: None

Category: First time, Humor

Disclaimer: No infringement is intended. Only the snark is mine.

Spoilers: Slight spoilers for "Red"

Summary: Clark finds another class ring and makes his move on Lex.

Challenge: This is a *non-challenge* story dedicated-- with much gratitude-- to list-mom Kira for making the CLex Fuh-Q-Fest so much fun. I wanted to bring something to the party, too.

Beta-readers: Muchas gracias to reetchick for dressing Lex and making sure that I use real English; many thanks also to Raya Luna for additional beta-ing and giving Clark some tips on his seduction techniques; and last-- but never, ever least-- thanks and hugs to philtre, for, well, you know... everything else (Clark and Lex couldn't have done it without you).

NOTE: Part of the ClexFest at: http://www.kardasi.com/Lexclusive/ClexFest  

A LIFE NOT FLAT

"Shit."

Lex eased the tip of the letter opener into the floppy drive of the laptop. Leaning forward in his chair, he jiggled the letter opener and pressed the eject button. The diskette didn't budge.

"Fuck."

He slid the letter opener towards the left and pushed the little button again. Nothing. Pulling out the letter opener, he clenched his teeth. He stabbed at the floppy drive and punched the button. Still nothing.

"Hey, Lex."

"Hey, Clark." Lex didn’t look up. Instead, he continued to lean one cheek on the desktop to glare at the edge of the diskette, which mocked him from the safety of the floppy drive.

"Have a seat. I'll be through in a second." He flicked the button twice. He jabbed at the button. Very hard. The laptop protested by slamming its lid shut, barely brushing the top of his head.

"Damn it." Lex sat up in his seat and pulled back slightly. He opened the desk drawer and bent his head down to look for a thin plastic ruler he thought would do the trick.

He jumped when a fingertip flitted across his scalp and down the back of his head to the knob at the base of his skull. His head jerked up and he found himself almost nose to nose with a wide-eyed Clark who was leaning across his desk. A Clark who smiled and looked right into Lex's eyes.

"It almost got you." Clark's hand remained half-raised in mid-air for a second. Lex caught a glimpse of golden-brass metal on Clark's little finger. A dark gem-- reddish-- glinted dully in the soft light of the study. Dropping his hand to his side, Clark straightened up. His eyes stayed on Lex's face.

Lex looked down at the drawer. No ruler. He closed the desk drawer and gave a short laugh. "Yet another near miss. It wouldn't be a normal week in Smallville otherwise."

He watched in amazement as Clark raised both hands and made air quotes with his fingers. "'Luthor Scion Escapes Decapitation by Laptop.'" Pleased with his own wit, he gave Lex a charming smile that left Lex half-blind. It took a second or two before Lex's vision returned and he felt Clark's gaze travel over his face and stop at his upper lip.

He swallowed once. "I just finished a spreadsheet and was making a copy of the file..." Lex watched as Clark's eyes continued to shift his gaze downward. For a moment Lex felt as if Clark could see through his shirt, as if Clark were touching his chest, sliding down to his stomach, downward to his... crotch.

Lex's eyes darted again to the ring on Clark's pinky. "Clark?"

"Sorry." Clark was definitely not feeling apologetic. The smirk confirmed that. "You were saying?"

"I was making a copy of a spreadsheet. The diskette got stuck in--"

"--Here. Let me try." Clark moved around to Lex's side of the desk-- fast. Lex just had enough time to shift his chair to one side to avoid having Clark end up in his lap. Clark leaned forward slightly and managed to brush against his shoulder as he reached out a hand to take the letter opener.

Lex started when the big, warm fingers trailed against the back of his hand before they slid around, up his palm, finally nudging intrusively between his own fingers to gently pry the dull metal blade out of them. "Maybe what you need is a different *touch,* Lex." The deep, insinuating tone made Lex wonder when Clark had started channeling Lou Rawls. "Mine, for example." Or was it Luther Vandross?

"Maybe." Lex congratulated himself on the steadiness of his voice. He cleared his throat. "Give it a try."

Clark bent down to squint at the recalcitrant diskette. In a second, Lex took in the black silk shirt and the gray slacks-- *tight* gray slacks-- which accented Clark's ass and long legs. Clark shifted slightly and an ass muscle twitched, making Lex's heart skip a beat. Fearful of being busted for ogling, Lex quickly returned to watching Clark maneuver the letter opener.

His heart skipped again when he saw how Clark's finger teased across the slot of the floppy drive. "Looks like it's stuck in there, Lex." He felt Clark's eyes on his face, willing Lex to look at him. "Nice and tight."

"Hm." Lex lowered his eyes and focused on the laptop, relieved when Clark returned to the task at hand. He watched Clark ease the letter opener in, carefully pushing down. Hypnotized, Lex watched for a few seconds while Clark's forefinger and thumb caressed the eject button as if it were a nipple before finally flicking it. The diskette popped out.

"Here you go, Lex." Hearing the innuendo-laden lilt Clark gave to his name, Lex looked up sharply. Clark placed the diskette in his hand, somehow managing to briefly re-acquaint his fingers with the skin on Lex's outstretched palm. He slowly stepped back to a barely polite distance.

"Thanks." Lex kept his face impassive for a second and then managed a smile. "I was starting to panic. I need this diskette for a meeting on Monday." Getting out of his chair, he almost stumbled when Clark gave him another rakish grin.

"I'm here to shoot some pool tonight. Is the establishment open this time?" The words made Lex's mind flash back to the events of last month, to the last time that Clark had stopped by to play pool-- and ended up zooming off in Lex's Ferrari. He tried for a hospitable smile.

"Of course." He gave Clark a quick once-over. "You're over-dressed for shooting pool. Do you have other plans for tonight?" He forced himself to walk slowly over to the pool table. "If so, your private car service is open, too." He drummed his fingers on the surface of the pool table. "You're in luck tonight: we have a red Ferrari available."

He turned around, hoping to catch Clark grinning at the joke. His own smile froze when he realized that Clark had been staring at his ass. Moving right along, Lex tried for his best gracious-host voice. "Thirsty, Clark? How about a Ty Nant?"

"Sure, Lex. I'll take whatever you've got to offer." Avoiding the leer Clark provided with the double-entendre, Lex bent down to open the little refrigerator and took out two blue bottles. Trying his best to hide his uneasiness, he went over to the wet bar and checked the ice bucket. Full. Good. The way Clark was acting, Lex would need a scotch on the rocks soon.

He headed towards the pool table. He held out a bottle to Clark, who was now walking to meet Lex at the pool table. "Thanks, Lex." Clark's fingers brushed over Lex's as he accepted the water. Lex kept his eyes on his own bottle as he uncapped it. He looked up only when Clark spoke, in a calm, pleasant tone that seemed at odds with the hungry blaze in his eyes.

"To answer your question, Lex, I have lots of plans. Long-term. Short-term." Lex fought back a shiver when he heard how Clark purred the words in a low rumble. "I thought about maybe talking you into going out somewhere tonight. But now that I'm here, I think I just want to hang out." He stepped closer to Lex, never taking his eyes off the bald young man. "With you."

*The eyes are the windows to the soul,* Lex thought suddenly as he tried to stay calm under Clark's unabashed scrutiny. Apparently Clark's soul wasn't going to pull down the shades tonight and, in fact, seemed ready to put on a strip-tease for the whole neighborhood. Lex wondered if this troubled him as much as he thought it ought to.

He almost jumped when Clark touched his wrist. "At least *you* dressed for the occasion." Clark gently fingered the cuff of Lex's light-gray pullover sweater. "That's a nice sweater." He ran a finger up the sleeve to Lex's shoulder. "Feels good." Through a sudden haze of dizziness, Lex knew he wasn't talking about the fabric. Clark slowly withdrew his hand.

"I decided against the tux. The cue gets caught on the ruffles." *Good going,* he chided himself. *Dazzle the boy with your sparkling wit.*

His discomfort vanished when Clark laughed anyway, as if Lex were the funniest guy on the planet. Throwing him another look that left Lex feeling completely naked, Clark turned away and took a cue from the rack. He grabbed a cue chalk. It slipped out of his fingers and skittered under the table.

"Damn." Clark got down on his knees to search for the chalk and Lex's heart jumped at the sight of firm farmboy butt encased in tight slacks. A second later, Clark emerged from under the table and held up the blue cube. "Got it." He gave Lex a triumphant grin that had nothing to do with recovering the chalk and everything to do with catching Lex checking out his ass.

Disconcerted, Lex went to the cue rack. He reached for the other cue chalk. Or at least he tried. He found his hand immobilized.

"Here." Clark placed the chalk in his hand and released Lex's wrist only after letting his fingers meander yet again over the skin of Lex's hand. This time he even trailed a finger over a wrist before pulling away from Lex.

"Thanks." Lex cringed inwardly at the way his voice croaked. He swallowed as inconspicuously as he could, but the knowing look in Clark's eyes brightened. He busied himself with the chalk.

"Want me to rack your balls for you, Lex?" As he looked up, Lex tried to stifle his surprised expression.

"It's customary to rack the balls, you know." Clark said innocently. He arched an eyebrow. "Shall I rack `em up?

"Sure," Lex said feebly. "Go ahead." A second later he started to break out in a sweat when Clark made a small production out of dropping the wooden triangle and bending over to pick it up.

They flipped a quarter for the opening break shot. Lex went first. He leaned down and squinted at the cue ball. He barely had time to register the impression of a slight draft of air when the unmistakable sensation of a poke in the ass made him straighten up and look indignantly across the table.

"Something wrong, Lex?" Clark's face betrayed nothing.

"I felt something-- or someone-- goose me." He tried not to stare as Clark slid the tip of the cue rhythmically through the circle of his thumb and forefinger.

"Goose you?" Clark smiled indulgently at the comical accusation. "Who? Must have been someone invisible." He smiled. "You don't suppose they found more of that meteor-rock paint, do you?"

"You didn't poke me in the ass?" Lex felt foolish even as the question tumbled out.

"I've been standing here on this side of the table the whole time. I can't reach that far, even with the cue." He extended his arm and the cue as far as he could, and Lex saw that he was right. "By the way, Lex... How long is *your,* um, cue?"

Lex gaped for a second at the insolent expression on Clark's face. How the hell had he ended up playing pool with Smallville's very own Mae West reincarnation?

Clark furrowed his brow. "Are you okay? You seem kind of tense. Nervous. Or something..."

"It's been a long week. Things didn't start out well, but, yeah, everything's pretty good now."

"Glad to hear it. But still, you seem a little tense."

"I am, now that you mention it." Lex decided not to tell Clark who was to blame for that. "I'll be all right." Lex bent down quickly and drew back his cue. "I'm going to break now." Closing one eye to gauge the angle, he failed to notice another slight draft of air. He thrust with his elbow. It didn't move.

"If I were seriously poking you in the ass, you would know it. You'd feel it. Especially the next day." He felt Clark's murmur on his ear and shivered. Clark released his elbow.

"*What?*" Lex whirled around and found himself up against Clark.

"Not that I would actually know about things like that first hand," Clark conceded. He stepped forward. Lex stepped back.

"Clark?" Shit. The edge of the pool table pressed against the back of his thighs.

"Yeah?"

"What's going on?" He felt a flash of something like fear when Clark's eyes narrowed.

"How does it feel, Lex?" Clark ignored Lex's question, placing his hands on Lex's shoulders.

"Feel?"

"How does it feel to be the mouse trapped in the cat's claws?" Clark's whisper tickled Lex's ear and made him shudder. His heart began to beat even faster as he felt Clark's fingers dig in.

"Mouse?"

"Lex, work with me here. I know your vocabulary extends far beyond words of one syllable." Clark's fingers slid around to his back and then slowly down, stopping to confirm the presence of each vertebra. Clark's expression softened for just a moment. "Although, it is nice to have you virtually speechless for once..."

Lex felt a flare of indignation when he caught Clark's rude smirk. "Why are you--"

"--Because, Lex. I can't take it any longer. All those intense looks and the smiles. Those little touches and the smiles. All those words with loaded meanings and the smiles." Clark ran his hands up Lex's sides as if counting each rib. "Did I mention the sexy little smiles?" Lex stared. Didn't close his eyes until Clark leaned forward and brushed his lips against Lex's.

"And then you try to make it what it isn't by calling me your 'little brother.' Your 'best friend.' You tell me it's our *friendship* that will be the stuff of legends." Clark tenderly cupped Lex's face in his hands. Leaned forward ever so slightly. "'Friendship.' What an annoying euphemism, Lex. And I've played along with that. Way too long."

*The best defense is a good offense...* Lex thought. He took a deep breath. It didn't stop the trembling, but he forged ahead. "So, Clark... are you going to tell me about that ring?"

"What about it?" Clark took his hands away and Lex suddenly felt cold. He grabbed Clark's wrists.

"I thought your dad took it away from you." Lex felt warm again when Clark shook his wrists free of Lex's grasp and grabbed Lex's hips. He yanked Lex forward and off balance. Lex grabbed Clark's upper arms to steady himself.

"Not exactly." Clark slid his hands around and cupped Lex's ass. He squeezed, making Lex hold on more tightly.

"Oh." Lex didn't know if Clark thought it was a response to his explanation or to the touch. He didn't care.

"He and Pete smashed it." A finger slid across Lex's ass towards the cleft and it was all he could do not to lean in on the finger.

"Oh. Right. So, where did you get this one?" Lex summoned up all his will power and shifted out of Clark's arms. He took a deep breath and stepped away from the pool table.

As if he didn't mind Lex's departure, Clark smiled. "I got bought it second-hand," he said mildly. "Apparently not all the rings were recalled."

"Apparently not." Lex turned. He brightened his voice. "Hey, I'll be right back. My bladder is talking to me about all the water I drank."

He wondered how he ended up against the wall. He looked to his left and saw Clark's extended arm, Clark's hand on the wall next to Lex's head, blocking the way. He turned to the right. Clark's other arm.

"Going somewhere?" Clark's face was an inch away from Lex's.

"Not anymore." Lex licked his lips nervously and almost gasped when Clark did the same with his own lips.

"No point in calling my dad. He and mom are in Metropolis celebrating their anniversary. Remember? Same time last year they went to Metropolis and I had that party." He nipped at an earlobe. "You got me the fireworks. I never thanked you properly, did I? Don't worry. I will. Tonight."

"Ah, yes." Lex hissed the last word when Clark thrust his tongue into Lex's ear.

"And Pete and Chloe are in St. Louis on that weekend field trip for their art class."

"R-Really?" Lex didn't even care that his voice squeaked because Clark was tonguing behind his other ear. "And Lana?"

"Suffering through dinner with Nell and her loser boyfriend in Metropolis." He nipped at the other earlobe. "Let's change the subject, Lex. I sincerely doubt either one of us wants to talk about Lana tonight."

"Clark, you shouldn't be doing this--"

"--You could call for *your* dad to save your virtue, Lex. Maybe he could beat me senseless with his cane or something." Lex caught another arrogant smirk just before Clark's tongue flicked across Lex's upper lip. Back and forth. Then up and down.

"You gave Enrique the night off. That wasn't wise." The tongue was gone. "I think you're in trouble, Lex." Clark's voice was low and the tone was menacing. "Who can you run to this time?"

Lex found himself apologizing in a weary voice even before he knew it. "Look, Clark. I only told your dad because I thought you were sick. Or something. You obviously weren't yourself. And I didn't want you to end up--"

"--Blah, blah, blah. Your sexy lips are moving and I think I hear words, but that scar is driving me wild and I'm not listening." Clark looked into Lex's eyes as he fingered Lex's belt buckle. "Besides, that's not what I meant by trouble." He unbuckled Lex's belt. "*This* is what I meant."

"Clark, stop. Can we talk for a minute?" He stopped Clark's hands with his own.

"No, we can't." Clark shook off Lex's hands and slid the belt out of the pants loops. He tossed the belt onto the floor beyond the pool table.

Big, capable fingers flicked open the top button of Lex's pants and fingered the zipper. Lex tried to regulate his breathing.

"Don't do this, Clark." He closed his eyes as Clark finished unzipping him.

"Lex, shut up. If anyone's the fearful, blushing virgin here, it's me. And you don't see *me* weeping and wailing, do you?" Clark slid his hands inside Lex's pants and nudged them down, taking time to ensure that all ten fingers enjoyed the warm skin over sinewy leg muscles. "Nice..." he murmured, crouching on his haunches.

"This isn't you, Clark. We both know it's the ring." Lex prayed Clark didn't notice how his voice faltered.

"You think so?" Lex felt the rush of cool air as Clark yanked his underwear down. "Lex." Clark said it in a whisper as he reverently stroked Lex's cock.

His eyes still closed, Lex searched his soul for one last ounce of resolve. Was disappointed when he actually found it. "Clark. Don't do this." Clark's hand closed around his cock and his voice hitched. "You could regret it."

"Lex." The wistfulness in Clark's voice made Lex open his eyes. "Do you really think so?" Clark stood up and brought his face close. "The only thing I regret is waiting so long." He licked Lex's jawline. "Waiting 421 fucking days, Lex. Since the day we met on that bridge. Four. Hundred. Twenty. One. Days. That's how long you've been driving me crazy." Clark flicked his tongue into an ear.

Moaning when Clark started on the other ear, Lex couldn't help but run through the calendar in his mind. *365 days... take away from 421 days...* he thought.

His calculations were rudely interrupted when Clark tweaked his nipple through the sweater. Hard. It felt good. "Um, Lex? In case you haven't noticed, we've got a seduction going on here. Focus, please." As if able to read Lex's mind, he added, "We can look at a calendar later." Lex gasped when Clark ran a finger up the underside of his cock, making it twitch. Making it lengthen.

"Is it just us, or is it warm in here?" Clark unbuttoned his own shirt and shrugged it off. As the shirt fell to the floor, Lex's eyes widened in spite of himself and Clark grinned at him as he drew a lazy hand over his own broad chest and brought the fingers to rest on his right nipple.

"Lex."

"Yeah?" Lex would have resented the hoarse desire in his own voice but he was too busy watching Clark tweak himself, making the nipple peak.

"Put your arms up." Clark took the hem of Lex's sweater in his hands as Lex obeyed. Slowly he drew the sweater up.

"Beautiful." Lex thought he heard Clark whisper through the throbbing in his ears. "Why did I wait so long?" Clark turned around and dropped the sweater on the pool table.

He gently pushed Lex back against the wall. Knelt down and leaned forward. He looked up at Lex and ran a finger over his cock with a petting motion. Lex groaned softly. He nuzzled Lex's cock for a few seconds and Lex felt himself growing. Clark voiced his approval. He looked up at Lex.

"I'm new at this. If you think I need more practice, Lex, feel free to say so. I'm willing to do this again. And again. Until I get it right."

* * *

EPILOGUE

(A couple of hours later, on the couch)

"Let me see your ass."

"No. You've caused enough trouble already."

"Lex, just let me see it for a sec. Turn around."

"..."

"Ooh."

"What does that 'Ooh' mean, Clark?"

"Well, you're getting a hell of a bruise. And there's a scratch right... here."

"Ow!"

"Sorry. Mmwa."

"Kissing it won't make it better."

"I said I was sorry."

"You should be. It's all your fault."

"But Lex, how was I to know you were going to fall and accidentally land on the ice bucket? Enrique didn't warn me about *that.*"

"If you hadn't jammed that ice cube up my ass, I wouldn't have lost my balance and fallen. And if you had left the ice bucket by the wet bar where it belongs, I wouldn't have fallen on it. And what do you mean Enrique didn't warn you?!"

"Just a joke, Lex. And you're wrong. We would have still needed the ice bucket over here... for the blow job itself."

"Speaking of which, you may want to try it with fewer ice cubes in your mouth the next time. Actually, you're supposed to put the ice cube in your mouth, take it out and *then* you suck the --"

"--That's the orthodox way. I was experimenting. But you're right. Both you and the ice cubes are a bit too much to take all at one time. Boy, if I could just ask Jodi Melville how she gets her jaw to open so wide..."

"Clark?"

"Huh?"

"Let me see your hands."

"What? They're just hands, Lex. See?"

"Yes. Hands. Hands with fingers. Ten fingers. And none of them has a ring."

"Uh-oh."

"'Uh-oh' is right, Clark."

"When did it fall off?"

"Maybe when I pushed you onto the pool table?"

"Here, Lex. Move over a bit. Maybe it's under this cushion..."

"Clark. Look at me. So... how do you feel?"

"Horny."

"Oh. Wait. Still?"

"Not 'Still.' 'Again.' Lex, it's been at least a half-hour!"

"What I meant was, how do you feel right now? Without the ring?

"I told you. Horny."

"Whoa! I guess you are."

"Uh-huh."

"We'll have to do something about that. But first..."

"First, what?"

"..."

"Lex? I don't like that look on your face."

"I'm just thinking."

"Well, don't. It makes me nervous when you get that faraway look in your eyes."

"..."

"Earth to Lex, do you read me?"

"I read you, Clark. Now... not that I'm complaining, but why did you put on that ring?"

"Hm. Well. Yes. Um... Have you ever heard the saying 'The highways of life are full of flat squirrels that couldn't make up their minds'?"

"..."

"Are you laughing?"

"..."

"Lex! Let me see your face. Are you laughing at me?"

"..."

"You're laughing at me. Lex! Stop laughing at me! Dumbass."

"Heh. I'm not laughing. At you. Any more. Heh. Good God. That pearl of folksy wisdom sounds like something your dad would say."

"Um, hello? Right now I'm still in seduction mode here. If you mention my dad again tonight, things are gonna get real ugly, real quick."

"Heh. Sorry. Ahem. So what you're saying is that you were tired of indecision. Of things not happening. So you put on a meteor-rock ring. To avoid becoming a flat squirrel."

"Right. When I put on that first ring, all I cared about was getting rich. Becoming famous. Cars. Clothes. Impressing people. I thought that's what would make life worthwhile."

"And now you don't think that with this other ring?"

"Well, I still do, sort of. I mean, someday I'd also like to own a chain of pie shops or something with my name on it. But this time I realized that what I really want the most is right here in Smallvillem and--

"Pie shops?!"

"Lex, track with me, okay? As I was saying... to get what I wanted, I had to choose one side of the road or the other. Or else be flattened. And that's how a little squirrel named Clark Kent ended up on *this* side of the road with *this* big acorn."

"Whoa! That hand is *cold.* And your metaphors aren't too hot, either, Squirrel-Boy."

"So I'm no poet. Sue me."

"So you followed your own advice about a squirrel-- sorry, a *man*-- needing to know when to make his move."

"Exactly. I made my move. Right here in your study."

"You did indeed. Mm."

"Oh. Oh. Yes. Do the other ear. Hey! Why'd you stop?"

"In a moment, Clark. Now, I've got one little concern here. This ring of yours... how long does the effect last?

"Jeez, Lex. Again with the ring? Obsessed much?"

"Clark, just tell me. How long does it last after you take it off?"

"I don't know... maybe indefinitely?"

"But the other ring's effect went away as soon as it came off your finger?"

"Um... I guess so..."

"You 'guess so.' You're not sure. Or else you don't remember?"

"Yeah! That's it. I don't remember. Yeah! It was all a big foggy blur."

"Hm. You do you realize you're coming across as blatantly evasive. So you're obviously back to normal."

"What? You don't believe me, do you--"

"--Be quiet, Clark. So you're telling me that this time, when you put on the ring, you realized that you wanted... this... with me. Now, if the effect wears off, are we back to square one? With all the blushes and moping and shy hesitations?"

"I don't mope! And don't roll your eyes like that! Anyway, after what you did to me with those ice cubes, the eight-ball and the cue stick, there's probably very little that can make me blush now. And sorry about the cue stick, by the way. Maybe you can glue it back together. After you scrape off the bits of cocktail onion."

"That *was* fun, wasn't it? Now, getting back to the effect of the ring--"

"--C'mon, Lex, forget the ring, will you? Let's just say that I realized a long time ago I wanted this. Ring or no ring. And I finally figured out what to do about it. So here we are now, naked on your couch, and I have absolutely no intention of going back to square one. Especially because I just thought of something we could do next time-- with the cue chalk."

"Ow. What the fuck?"

"What's that?"

"I think I just found your ring. I rolled over right on top of it."

"Give it here."

"Hold on, Clark. What does this say?

"Give it to me."

"Wait. Who the hell is... Mary... Sue... Anderson?"

"Why?"

"That's the name engraved on the inside of your class ring."

"Oh. Right. Um. Did I ever tell you about my sex-change operation?"

"Very funny. According to this ring, you're a member of the class of 1964. That's like 25 years before the meteors ever hit Smallville."

"And your point is...?"

"I'm thinking it's highly unlikely this stone is a meteor-rock fragment."

"Let me--"

"--And *this* is really interesting: apparently you attend Honolulu High School. Clark, that's in Hawaii, is it not?"

"Lex, wait--"

"--Bear with me for a minute, Clark. Have you ever heard of any green or red meteor-rock discoveries outside of Kansas?"

"Um, well-- "

"--I didn't think so."

"Um, Lex--"

"--I'm not finished yet. If you graduated with the class of `64, that means you're probably in your mid-50s right now. You look pretty damn good for a gal your age, 'Mary Sue.' Care to explain that?"

"Gee, Lex, what can I tell you? I'm just a simple, unassuming Honolulu homemaker who's crazy about pineapple and can hula like nobody's business. Um. And I moisturize religiously?"

"And apparently you think pretty fast on your feet. Nice try, Clark, but I'm not buying it. Now moving on to our final question, what's up with this cheesy stone? Let's get a closer look, shall we?"

"No, Lex, please don't turn on that lamp. It's so romantic with the lighting just the way it is."

"Cut the crap, Clark. You're busted."

"Aw, Lex, you're spoiling the mood."

"Don't you dare pout!"

"Augh! The light! It's killing me. I'm dying... (gasp) please... turn... it... off..."

"I think I’ll get you some acting lessons for Christmas. Good grief, Clark, this cheap chunk of glass isn't even *red!*"

"Lex... turn... off... light... (gasp) dying..."

"This is some kind of garnet. Or an imitation amethyst. Couldn't you have done better than that?"

"Um... I'm color-blind? Anyway, isn't purple your favorite color?"

"Don't cloud the issue here, Clark. Now-- inquiring minds want to know: Where, pray tell, did you buy this hideous ring? There aren't any pawnshops in Smallville. Did you have go to Metropolis?"

"A pawnshop?! Lex, what kind of a sleazoid do you think I am?"

"Well, since you ask: the kind of sleazoid whose taste in jewelry would make even a pimp from Pomona puke--"

"--Hey, bite me, Lex. Oh! Oh. I didn't mean literally. Oh. Maybe I did. Yes!

"Mmm."

"Ahem. So, anyway, to answer your question, I got it real cheap at a garage sale. They wanted ten dollars, I bargained them down to six."

"*Six* dollars?! Clark, I'm appalled. No. Wait. I think I’m *humiliated.* All you spent was six lousy dollars to get in my pants? I can't believe it. I must be one cheap slut."

"Heh. No argument there."

"Now, before I let you have this ring back, is there anything else you want to confess regarding tonight's charade?"

"Yeah. Um..."

"Go on. No reason to be shy. Especially not after what you did to me on the wet bar with those maraschino cherries less than an hour ago."

"Lex, I think I love you."

"What?"

"I think I love you."