The doors to the office slammed open as the slim, black-coated figure stormed in and all but threw himself down on the armchair in front of the desk. 

“Can a man actually die of blue balls?” He half-snarled, half-whined. 

Bruce raised one eyebrow, looking up from the report he was reading. 

“Hello to you, too, Lex. I’m fine, thanks for asking, and yes, now that you mention it, this report is slightly important…” Bruce drawled back. He frowned a bit. “Wait…aren’t you supposed to be in Tahiti?” 

Lex glared at his friend with slightly bloodshot blue-grey eyes. “I would be if that damn Boy Scout of mine hadn’t been called away!” he hissed. “Some friend you are…I ask that you do me a major favor by making sure Clark isn’t scheduled for League business for at least a week, and what happens?! He’s called away on League business! Hence my question: can a man actually die from blue balls?” This garnered a startled reaction from Bruce. 

“Called away…? But Clark isn’t scheduled for duty for another two weeks… and what are you talking about, ‘blue balls’? I would’ve thought you would be satisfied by now; Clark’s been off for three days already.” Bruce frowned mightily. “Even the two of you don’t have that kind of stamina…” He was treated to a dark, dark glower. 

“Maybe I would be satisfied, if we didn’t keep getting interrupted every time we’re about to get intimate!” Lex shouted in exasperation. 

“Interrupted…?” 

“Bothered, intruded upon, obstructed, annoyed…” By this time, Bruce was fighting hard not to laugh at the utterly disgruntled pouting expression on Lex’s face. 

“Why couldn’t you just have…ignored the interferences?” This earned him an incredulous expression. 

“You don’t think I tried?! If it wasn’t the police apprehending the two-bit crook right outside the penthouse, it was the LexCorp VP calling with a major crisis overseas. After I fired a couple of people and cleared up the mess, we decided to go to the lodge. Privacy, I thought. But nooo…. Right as I’m about to it slide it home, my father barges in, pounding on the door and demanding attention! How the hell did he know where we were?! If that weren’t bad enough, after I got rid of him, there was a tourist chopper going down not three miles away! The mood was utterly ruined by the time Clark got back.” Bruce smirked, pouring Lex a drink, which was immediately slammed back. 

“And that has stopped you from having sex?” Bruce asked, swirling his own drink in hand. He was completely amused, and hints of it could be heard in his voice. 

“Asshole.” Lex muttered. “No, that isn’t the half of it! We hightail it to the castle. The nice, deserted castle. In the middle of nowhere, i.e. Smallville, Kansas. The very same Smallville wherein my dear lover’s parents live!” 

Bruce unsuccessfully bit back a chortle. “Let me guess…interrupted by the in-laws?” 

“Martha. Saw us driving through town.” Lex bit out. “What possessed me to give her a key to the castle, I find it very difficult to remember.” 

“Caught en flagrante delicto?” 

“We barely made it to the study. It was getting hot and heavy. Half of our clothes were gone.  The idea was to take the edge off, so we wouldn’t be rushed.  One moment I’m enjoying Clark’s ministrations, the next second I’m suffering from major fabric burn and strangled circulation in my lower regions as Clark redresses us seconds before his mother waltzes in. Somehow, we end up spending the day with Martha and Jonathan, helping at the farm.”  Lex sighed. 

“And afterwards?” Something in Bruce’s tone made Lex look up sharply. 

“You know…you’re deriving far too much enjoyment from my suffering. And you’re supposed to be my friend, too. Bastard.” Bruce shrugged. 

“My birth certificate says otherwise. Well?” 

Lex grimaced, before replying. “Clark has never gotten over the embarrassment of having his father walk in on me giving him a hand-job, back when we first got together. As a result, he wasn’t interested, and because he didn’t I couldn’t.” He gestured towards his groin. Bruce nodded. 

“Ah… okay. So now the question is…what are you doing here, instead of in Tahiti like you’ve been planning for weeks?” Lex rolled his eyes. 

“Honestly, Bruce. You may want to check the fit of your cowl; you’re beginning to get a bit bat-brained.” Ignoring the scowl sent his way, Lex continued with “I already said: I would be if my lover’s spandex-suited alter ego hadn’t been called! Honestly…you superheroes have seriously bad timing. Just two more minutes, and I would have at least been satiated! I’m bordering the edge of insanity with sexual frustration!” 

But Bruce was listening with only half an ear to Lex’ continued rant. He had already returned to his desk for the communicator stashed there, so that he could try and find out what had caused the on-duty personnel to contact Superman, when instructions specifically stated that off-duty superheroes were not supposed to be contacted unless in case of dire emergency. And if it were a dire emergency…why hadn’t Batman been summoned? He had just gotten his hands on the device, when a whoosh of displaced air and the sudden cessation of Lex’s angry tirade made him look up and blink rapidly. 

“…I do have spare rooms that you are welcome to use, Clark.” Bruce voiced carefully. Said man looked up from where he was practically devouring his lover’s mouth. Said lover whined needily, completely ignoring the fact that he was providing Bruce with some very good blackmail material. 

“Thanks, Bruce!” With that, Clark hoisted Lex up onto his hips, and prepared to dash off. 

“Wait!” Bruce called, before the couple had a chance to disappear. “Why were you contacted?” 

“Possible alien invasion. Sent Lantern instead. False alarm.” Was the succinct answer, and with that, they disappeared. Bruce faintly heard the slam of a door from somewhere in the manor, and smirked, slipping communicator into his pocket, before turning back to his abandoned reports. He had barely finished reading a paragraph, when the alarm went off signaling an all-call code red emergency. He quickly pulled the device out of his pocket and activated the screen. Bruce punched in a code for direct connection, and Wonder Woman’s face appeared. 

“Report.” Bruce growled, slipping into ‘Batman’ persona. 

“We have an emergency. All superheroes are needed. There’s an attack fleet headed on a direct course towards Earth.” She said. 

“I thought that it was a false alarm?” He asked, standing to make his way to the caverns. Wonder Woman shook her head. 

“They had shielding; blocks Green Lantern scans.” She explained.

“Acknowledged and understood. I’ll be there soon. Batman out.”  And as he activated the hidden passage to the caverns, he couldn’t help shaking his head in amusement as he distinctly heard Lex scream in outraged frustration. 

“WHAT?! IS THE UNIVERSE CONSPIRING AGAINST ME?! FUCKING HELL! I’M NEVER GOING TO GET LAID!”

End