Striding out of the office, where he'd been caged all day, Lex rubbed his eyes and tried not to think about wanting it all as the city passed before his glass elevator.

The moment his eyes closed, the kiss was back. It wasn't a big deal. Lois Lane had a thing for Superman. Lex could handle that. He could, but the image of Lois clinging to Clark's lips - even in that ridiculous costume - burned behind his eyes.

How did it end up like this? Lex gripped the wall, panting. "It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss." he repeated - a mantra to himself as he crossed the garage to his limousine. Within a few minutes he was at the airport, on his way to his jet. He had a dawn meeting in Tokyo that couldn't wait. Clark would understand.

Lex called home anyway, waiting for the machine to pick up. "Clark? It's me. I've got to meet with Tenshi. I can't put it off any more. I'll see you when I get back - two days at most." Lex paused, the words catching, but he forced them out in a rush. "I love you."

His phone clicked off, and Lex glanced out the window.

The omniscient view told him he was asleep as he watched Lois call a cab, watched her arrive at the penthouse, and watched Clark indulging in his secret vice - a quick smoke on the balcony. A lucid thought sneaks into the dream: Lois smokes. Is that where Clark got the habit? Did he like the smell? Did he like her taste? Now she's beside him, taking a drag. Now they're going to bed. Clark yanking off his T-shirt and Lois already naked stretched out on their bed.

The smell of lilacs, smoke, and sex burning in his throat, Lex woke gasping, his eyes wild, sweat dampening his skin. His stomach churned, sickened, and he sat his elbows on his knees and pressed his face into his hands.

"It's all in my head. It's all in my head." Another mantra.

With his eyes closed again, Lois and Clark were in bed again. She's dressed again - an evening gown, with her dark hair settled around bare shoulders in thick curls. She touched his chest as Clark slid down that slinky black dress she wore to the last LexCorp Fundraiser.

Punching the back of the seat drew a peek from the assistant sitting down the aisle, but nothing more. No one fucked with Lex when he was 'in a mood.'

Two horrible, dream-ravaged days later, Lex dropped on to their bed, smelling the pillow for Clark's scent and finding it blessedly free of Lois, lilacs, or sex.

He heard Clark, heard the balcony doors and the soft whoosh that meant Clark was moving too fast. His lover scooped him up, settling him fully on the bed and beginning to undress him. "Hard trip babe?"

/I just can't look. It's killing me. / Lex thought, squeezing his eyes shut and not replying. His hands crept up after being rolled over. He snatched Clark to him, kissing hard and hungry. It was taking control - making him claim Clark like this.

He was never rough with Clark - never. Something inside him finally settled down when they made love - some part of him only Clark could touch. Clark responded with banked hunger, soothing the panic in Lex's hands and lips. Even massaging him now, gently working out the tension, nothing could stop his mind tonight. Not this time, this time his brain wouldn't slow down. He could hear a thousand excuses...

/"Lois got this lead..."
"We were tailing a member of Intergang..."
"She got in trouble again and I..."/

The alibis - TRUTH, they were the TRUTH - were choking him; even knowing Clark wouldn't cheat on him. Clark wouldn't hurt him, intentionally. It went against Clark's nature. Absolutely.

This paranoia - the late, late nights; the abrupt vanishing act – it was the price they paid: Clark for being born with unimaginable power and Lex for falling head over heels for Playgirl's version of ET.

Destiny was what he told Clark called them together. It wasn't. After those first shaky years, Lex connived and pushed and arranged until Clark was in his arms, and he'd be damned if a little paranoia could make him let go.

Large, warm hands slowed in their massaging, easing down as Clark began sucking low on his belly. Lex's eyes flared wide as the tenderness - the sweet gentleness in Clark's loving touch finally reached that place inside - like an on/off switch. The jealousy and paranoia vanished like it had never been. Only Clark remained. Eager blue eyes finding Clark's as Lex drew his lover up for a tender kiss.

Clark wasn't home yet. Lex studiously didn't look at the digital clock on his laptop. He didn't need numbers to tell him it was 1:45am. Those weren't odd hours for Clark. Some nights his sweetie wasn't home until after dawn, but the news was quoting Presidential candidates, not going live to the scene of some costumed lunatic's latest crime spree.

The king-sized bed felt too big without Clark sprawled out against him, too exposed. Setting his laptop on the nightstand, Lex got up to pace to the window. He fought for a deep breath as his mind starting winding up. His breaths shortened and shallowed - he had to get down, calm down, and stop the rhythm from driving him up to the towers of paranoia.

Clark dropped back on the bed, naked and playful, pulling Lois over him in something dark and lacy. He tickled her even as he pulled her down on him, pulling her long dark hair back at the last moment to make her arch further back. "No, no, no, no, no, no." Lex whispered, pressing his hands hard against his temple. If he could find the vein this poison leaked out of, stop it from bleeding inside him, this would stop. He could be what Clark deserved, could be good inside and out.

It was stress. The doctors he'd seen in secret had warned him; warned that if he didn't settled down, stop pushing so hard, it would kill him. Why couldn't he stop it?

"Because I want it all." Lex choked, on his knees without remembering the fall. The bone deep ache promised bruised knees as his vision blurred - his darkness on the edges.

Was that little hissing, wheeze really his breath? The air was so thick and hot and... God he could smell them now, smell the musk of sex with Clark. That hint of sweet that no human had, that Lois wouldn't really appreciate. The lilac of her perfume. It filled up

his lungs like tar, sticky and thick and burning.

Clark would be home. It never failed, need five minutes to cover up something very illegal, Clark was there in three. Lex punched the window frame, hissing at the pain, but using it to focus. First, breathe. He had to slow his breathing. Face it. Use that hate.

He could focus on hate. Love was terrifying. Love could be stolen and broken and burned. Hate couldn't be burned. You can't burn fire. He could embrace it, wallow in it.

Lois. Hate Lois. It started with her damned kiss. She made him like this. She made him crazy-scared of losing Clark. "It was only a kiss; it was only a kiss." He pressed his face to the icy glass and felt the air coming; the smell fading. Still more black than light, spots of light speckled his field of vision. He barely felt the bare floor as he hit it. 

Lex curled under the thick wood, the sweet-bitter scent of blood and powder everywhere. His stomach rolled, but he couldn't puke, couldn't get the relief of bile burning away that smell as it sank into his pores.

"It's all in my head." Lex chanted, his torso shuddering as the airway closed again. He could see, could see again.

Daddy - a voice down the hall - a shout. The door, a burst of light. A noise so loud he didn't hear it, but felt it, felt the slap of concussion in his ear. Just one.

He couldn't let Mommy die. Daddy would be angry, but he had to get in the way. Closing his eyes, Lex covered his throbbing his ears and screamed, loud and hard.

Hard hands were pulling him up, out from under his desk. He's going to get hit, but it doesn't matter. Mommy's okay. Lex couldn't look, couldn't watch. It was killing him, the smell, and the burn of powder so close, but Mommy was going to be okay.

"LEX!" Clark was all around him suddenly. Lex startled as his mind caught up to his body - no longer a thin, wispy child, but he was being cradled like one, held close to Clark's pounding heart. "Lex?" softer now, when blue eyes managed to open. "What happened?"

Panting, soaked in sweat, Lex blinked the sting out of his eyes, tasting tears. "I - Panic attack."

Clark was petting him, soothing him. They both tasted the lie. Lex didn't have panic attacks; he had mini-breakdowns. It was one of those tolerable half-truths Clark let him have about his feelings and his moods.

In seconds, Lex was naked in their tub, with warm water around him and Clark still petting him. "You screamed, Baby." Clark swallowed and kissed the top of his head. Shaking like he was the one afraid.

Bare arms lifted Lex a little as Clark slid into the tub with him. "You never screamed like that before." He held on, soggy boxers under Lex's ass. It could be funny if his heart wasn't still thundering in his chest.

"You're cold," Clark was still petting him, rubbing his chest and arms. "Baby, I think you're in shock."

Lex shook his head. He was fine. He felt fine. That man was dead. Daddy killed him. Mommy held him. Blood, blood on the wall and the floor all over him, little speckles on Mommy's neck. 

"He did it." Lex leaned back into Clark and became aware of how badly he was shaking. "HehadpicturesandheshothimandmommywasbloodyandthenoisewassoloudandIscreamed and it stopped. It stopped."

Clark put his hand over Lex's lips. "Shh...Slow down. Slow down, Lex. Tell me slow."

"My F-father killed a man. I was little. I don't know how little, Mom wasn't pregnant so, not more than 11." Lex swallowed, eyes closed with tears falling down into the bath water. "Mom cheated and he had pictures. I saw the private detective's badge and I wanted to see what he gave Daddy. Daddy was supposed to be in a meeting so I snuck into his office and got them out. Daddy put them in his desk. They were pictures of Mom and this guy. They were smoking and then they were in bed and someone came in." Clark was moving them, rocking Lex in the water. "I hid under Daddy's desk. They were laughing, and he was smoking. Mommy wasn't supposed to smoke in the house, but she took his cigarette and - and..." Lex mimed the motion, his fingers to his lips. "Daddy shouted. I hid again, and then he shot him."

"Oh, Baby." Clark kissed just over Lex's ear and held tight. "Stop." He was rubbing Lex's chest. "Stop for a second and breathe for me okay? Just take deep breaths."

Lex listened because it was Clark. Clark, who never hurt him. Clark, who wasn't the man in his nightmares, who wasn't sleeping with Lois and dying for it. He squirmed and rolled, turning to press his cheek to Clark's wet chest. "You weren't in uniform."

"There was an attack on Watchtower. A Human." Clark added quickly, feeling Lex tense. "Someone Lantern ticked off. They've got him. My uniform was nasty from a coolant leak. I changed at the Planet." 

"No," Clark smiled, kissing the top of his head. "I was in my boxers when I heard you."

"Don't." Clark touched the delicate chin-tip. "Don't hide from me. I know..." He took a breath. "I know it's so hard for you to trust deep down that I won't hurt you, that weakness won't disgust me or push me away, but I won't and it won't. I'm yours. If Krypton hadn't been destroyed and I hadn't come here, I'd be spending every night of my life looking up at the sky, longing for the part of me that's here - the part of me that's you." Clark pressed their foreheads. "That's destiny Lex. You and me. Nothing will make me go away or make me love you less or need you less. Don't hide from me."

That place, hidden and secret, that only Clark could touch, spilled out. Lex felt it, like lava in his chest, burning out his eyes, seeping out his mouth in whimpers and sighs. He was choking and sobbing, with water and tears and Clark. Always Clark.

Lex woke up in their bed, tucked in like a sick child with Clark beside him, still touching, still soothing him. "Did you sleep?" he murmured, eyes sore and probably red.

Clark nodded, shifting closer and letting the pajama bottoms they both wore brush under the blankets. Lex laughed then, full and happy. "You finally got me in these."

"Absolutely." Clark bit at his neck. "You should have seen how pruney your ass was."

Arching up, Lex's laugh grew throaty. "Consider it a preview. In ten years-"

"In ten years, you'll be thirty-eight. Probably STILL looking twenty-one, with everyone asking how you do it."