Title: Sweet pain
Author: M. F. Luder
Email: mfluder@ec-red.com
Fandom: The O.C.
Pairing: Ryan/Seth
Category: Angst, romance
Summary: Love doesn't always have to hurt
Song Challenge: Kiss -- "Sweet pain"
Author's note: Written for "The Song title Challenge" at kardasi.com.
To Vera, who loves the boys; and to Nortylak, thanks for helping me out.


Sweet pain
by M. F. Luder

*****

Ryan is used to the pain.

His brother was always a good teacher.

Trey had the policy that no one could teach his little brother like he could.

Ryan knows Trey was right.

When Ryan was nine, Trey thought it'd be cool to teach Ryan to drink tequila.

Ryan didn't want to, eyeing the bottle of amber liquid warily. His father was in the house, sleeping, his mom probably drunk as well while Trey, Ryan and two of Trey's friends where in the garage.

"Come on, little brother. You have to learn this."

"Trey..."

"What? Are you gonna tell me you don't trust me? Huh?"

Ryan shook his head. He trusted Trey. Why wouldn't he? So he took a sip from the bottle, his throat burning and his eyes stinging, and Ryan could feel tears making their way to the corner of his eyes.

Trey laughed, and so did his friends, while Ryan wiped away the tears and asked for another sip. Ryan won't look like a fool in front of Trey's friends.


Ryan tilts his head, eyes staring at the page in front of him but not really seeing anything.

He's not sure he can focus with Anna and Seth in front of him. He grimaces, his lips pressing tightly against each other.

Anna swats Seth's hands away, while Seth laughs. Anna picks up her beret, hitting Seth with it, but Seth catches Anna's wrists in his hands, and she stills, tilting her head and gazing at him.

Ryan feels his throat tightening.

Seth leans over, nuzzling Anna's neck, and she sighs contentedly.

Ryan's chest constricts.

Anna shifts, rubbing her cheek against Seth's hair.

Ryan slams his book shut, starting both of them. "I'm going for a Coke. You want something?"

Seth shakes his head. "No, dude, thanks."

Ryan nods, turning around and walking out of the dinning room and towards the kitchen. He doesn't see Seth looking after him, or Anna's confused look. He just doesn't care.

He pulls the fridge door open, getting out a can of Coke. He'd rather have something stronger at the moment.

He places the cold can against his burning neck, closing his eyes. He leans over the counter, left hand gripping the edge, and he pretends his chest isn't heaving.

*****

Ryan had his first smoke when he was eleven.

That's not too young, because Ryan remembers Trey starting to smoke when he was nine.

Trey handed Ryan a lit cigarette. "It's time you learn how to smoke. Like a man."

Ryan stared down at the cigarette in hand, frowning. "I'm not sure. Trey, dad said..."

Trey picked up a bottle of beer and threw it to the other side of the room. It crashed with a loud bang, beer spilling on the wall. Ryan flinched. "I don't care what that bastard told you, okay? He's gone, get it? Gone. He got himself arrested. He was a fucker, so forget get him. Now, you're gonna smoke. Okay? "

Ryan pressed the cigarette to his lips, just like he had seen Trey do a million times, and sucked in a breath.

He started coughing, cigarette falling from his fingers. His hand moved to his chest, and it hurt, and Ryan felt like he had been punched. God, that thing was awful. He stood up straight, looked Trey in the eye and wondered just how in the world Trey could enjoy it.

"So, you're quitting?"

Ryan'd never quit in front of his brother. "No."

Trey grinned, pleased, and picked up the fallen cigarette. He lit it once again, and handed it to Ryan.

This time, when his throat blazed and his eyes wanted to water, Ryan just took another puff, held it, then exhaled. He smoked until he reached the butt.


"So, dude, do you think she'll like it?"

Ryan blinks, turning around and gazing at Seth. Brown eyes are shinning, waiting for him, and Ryan bites down his lower lip. "Huh?"

"You so haven't been listening. Dude, what's the matter with you?"

Seth stands up, walking towards to the kitchen, looking inside the cupboards.

Ryan crosses his arms over the small table, the corner of his lip turning upward. "What ya looking for?"

"I hid chocolate here, I'm sure of it." Seth squats before the sink, and keeps on rummaging. "Dad never touches this part of the kitchen and mom..." A snort. "Well, if she had, we would have noticed. Fire would have erupted in here, so, no, not her either."

Ryan smirks, leaving over the table for his backpack. Sometimes, he can outwit Seth. He opens the small zipper, pulling out the chocolate bar. He holds in between two fingers. "This one?"

Seth turns around, surprise, then glares at Ryan. It's nothing compared to the Glare of Doom, but, yeah, it's cool. Seth thinks it's cool. "So, it was you, huh? You. My very own brother taking away my candy. I cannot believe it."

Ryan rolls his eyes, throwing it to Seth, who barely catches it. Now Ryan understands why Seth never tried out for little league.

With one swift movement, Seth tears away the paper wrapper and takes out a large bite. Ryan chuckles.

Seth walks towards Ryan, offering the candy. "Want some?"

Ryan's eyes drop to the piece of nugget and chocolate, the end of it still in its wrapper. Seth's elegant fingers holding it out, Seth's thumb close to the chocolate, touching it. Ryan swallows. He can't think.

"Hmmm, no thanks." He finally says, a moment later, and his voice almost quivers.

Seth nods, taking another bite. "So, I was asking you."

He seats by Ryan's side, not on the other side of the table, like he had been doing a minute ago. Ryan pushes his Psychology book out of the way.

Seth leans over Ryan, chest against Ryan's arm, and Ryan closes his eyes.

Grabbing the box, Seth turns around and shows it to Ryan. "Do you think she'll like this?"

He wonders why Seth and Anna aren't together. They sure act like they are. Ryan's mood shifts, pushing fourth, and his eyes darken. His pulse accelerates, and Ryan tells himself it's got nothing to do with Anna's present.

"Sure. It's nice." Ryan barely even glances at the present, or at Seth, and he stands up. "I need a smoke."

He walks out of the house, out towards the pool, and crosses it in quick movements. He's pretty sure Seth's gazing over at him, confused, but Ryan doesn't care at the moment.

He reaches the banister leading to Marissa's front door.

Ryan pulls his pack from his back pocket, and takes one out.

Marissa, someone who used to be appealing. Someone who used to get his attention.

He lights it with quick push of his finger against the Zippo's rock.

She isn't appealing anymore. She doesn't make his head turn.

He takes a long drag, his lungs filling with nicotine, and he doesn't care that he's probably killing another year of his life.

Black hair was replaced for dark brown curls, and blue feline eyes move away to give room for brown shinning ones.

Ryan blows the smoke away through his nostrils.

Curls and brown eyes that, though lovely and precious, now are torturous, unreachable as this life once used to be.

Ryan bends against the iron railing, prop up on elbows, cigarette between thin lips.

Curls he wishes he could touch, run his fingers through.

Another long drag; cigarette butt almost burned all the way through.

Eyes he wishes he could kiss, caress and gaze upon.

He likes the taste, bitter against his tongue, and he doesn't know if it's the cigarette anymore.

*****

Ryan isn't surprised that love hurts.

Loving his family had always hurt, and he's used to this.

Loving the Cohens, on the other hand, had been simple. Ryan doesn't need to try, or to make excuses for them. He doesn't have to be the parent. He can let them be the parents, and they are always up for the challenge.

Loving Seth had been as natural as breathing. It had been one of the easiest things he had learned to do.

It was addictive, too, like the cigarettes he loves so much, and it burns in his throat on the way down, like the Tequila he learned to empty.

Loving Seth, it hurts too.

Ryan hates seeing Anna's fingers on Seth's shoulders, or through his hair, or on his thigh.

He hates her, though he knows he shouldn't. Ryan hates the idea of her, the idea of any woman who would touch Seth, who would take him away, away from Ryan.

Ryan hates Seth, though not really. He hates the fact that Seth never really looks at him. He hates the fact that Seth doesn't see him, the way Ryan sees Seth.

Ryan hates the fact that he loves Seth.

Ryan loves loving Seth, he just hates... he hates not being able to say a word, not being able to touch Seth, or to kiss him. Ryan hates everything that implies loving Seth, when he knows he shouldn't.

And though it all, it just hurts.

Ryan looks up, the sky dark, and he sighs. He lights his second cigarette. He's been smoking more than he should, and he knows that neither Kirsten nor Sandy would like that, but he can't help it. He needs to do something with his fingers, to still them.

"I don't like it when you smoke."

Ryan knows the voice before he turns around; it's the only thing Ryan seems to hear at night.

Seth is standing back, hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on the heels of his feet.

Ryan shrugs. "I don't smoke much."

"Actually, you've been smoking a lot more this past couple of days."

Ryan's lips press into a line. So, Seth noticed.

"Dude, I don't get it. I thought you were trying to quit."

"Trying."

Seth shakes his head, taking another step towards Ryan. "You didn't smoke last semester."

That's not entirely true. He didn't smoke last semester in front of Seth. He smoked in the middle of the night, gazing at the pool, eyes shifting towards the second window on the left from time to time.

"You should quit."

"I like smoking."

"Dude, it's bad--"

"I know."

"It's bad for you."

"So?"

Seth shrugs, head turning away, looking down the driveway, like expecting a car to come by.

It's late, and Seth probably came out here looking for Ryan for dinner. Ryan doesn't understand why Seth doesn't say it already so they can leave and head inside, where he can pretend he's a good brother. He doesn't like being here, alone with Seth, because Ryan fears he might do something drastic, like kiss him or something.

Ryan doesn't like having to control his every move. It gets him all tensed up, stiff and angry, and he ends up snapping out at Seth, like he did a moment ago. Ryan hates snapping at Seth.

"Look, sorry." Ryan leans back against one of the corners of the gate. He drops the butt, stamping it out with his boot. "There." He turns around, and tries to smile at Seth. "Happy?"

Seth nods, though doesn't look convinced. "It's bad for you Ryan, that's all I'm saying. It's not like I want to tell you what to do, coz, I can't, you know? Tell you what to do, I mean. I can't do that."

"I get it."

Seth looks down, eyeing the butt, and then sighs.

Ryan waits for Seth to finish whatever it is he's thinking so they can go back inside. He doesn't want to stay here any longer.

"Ryan?"

Ryan blinks, looking at Seth, who is suddenly looking back at him.

It happens in a second.

Seth crosses the few feet in between them, and then he's got his lips pressed against Ryan's, his hands on Ryan's side, clutching at the shirt.

Ryan closes his eyes. This wasn't supposed to happen.

But Ryan isn't the one not to take an opportunity, so he grabs it.

He kisses Seth back, hand moving to Seth's hair, and it's as soft and tender under his fingertips as he imagined it. His other hand touches Seth's back, and stays there, holding him in place. Seth doesn't seem to want to move either.

This kiss doesn't hurt, like the kisses Ryan's had before. This kiss is tender, and loving, and sweet. It tastes like strawberries and chocolate, and Seth's lips are soft under his, Seth's fingers barely moving over Ryan's waist.

This kiss is bliss, and Ryan almost forgets the pain he's had before.

Seth pulls away first, eyes glazed, and he ducks his head. "Well, hmmm... I hadn't really planned that Ryan, dude, I swear. It wasn't in the plan."

Ryan grins. "So, what was the plan?"

"I was supposed to call you for dinner." Seth shrugs, then chuckles. "Mom said to hurry, so I came looking for you. I don't think she had this in mind."

"No, I don't think she did."

Seth turns around, looking at Ryan, cheeks flushed and lips red from the kisses. Ryan smirks proudly.

"Did you like it?"

Ryan nods. "Yeah."

Seth starts bouncing, like he can't stand still, and Ryan knows he really can't. "Good." He pauses, then chuckles again. "So did I."

"I noticed."

Shyly, which seems out of character for Seth, he takes Ryan's hand in his.

Ryan lets him.

"Lets go. Dinner is served and you know how mom is when it gets cold." Seth rolls his eyes, guiding Ryan towards the house. "She'll start talking about manner and God knows what..."

Ryan barely listens to Seth, eyes gazing at their joined hands.

Love is supposed to hurt.

Ryan knows it won't this time.