Title: Empty rooms
Author: M. F. Luder
Email: mfluder@ec-red.com
Fandom: The O.C.
Pairing: Ryan/Seth
Category: Angst and a little bit of romance
Summary: It's when you drift apart...
Song Challenge: Gary Moore -- "Empty Rooms"
Author's note: Written for "The Song title Challenge" at kardasi.com.
To Vera, who loves the boys. Unbetad, so it's my fault.


Empty rooms
by M. F. Luder

*****

Ryan closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Opening them slowly, he tilts his head.

This isn't a presentation to be finished, work to be handed out.

It's a model of his.

He's been working on this for months, but doesn't seem to find the piece that's missing.

It's late, and Ryan should forget about it for the day, but Seth isn't back yet, and the bed is always too empty without him.

Ryan picks up the cup of coffee and drinks half of it.

He gazes at the model home.

There's something he isn't seeing in it.

It's a Victorian house, with wide balconies and stained glass as doors. He likes the colors, and the design of the area. He likes the way it looks, the way it stands, but something just doesn't sit right at the same time.

Ryan shakes his head. He won't see it tonight. His eyes shift to the clock on the wall.

Almost one.

He frowns. Seth said he'd be back around eleven.

He doesn't want to worry; he's not that kind of guy. He won't call Seth, wondering where he is. He won't ask questions, because Seth probably lost track of time, like he's done a million times.

He stands up, grabs the mug and walks out of the study. The lights are out, but he knows the hallways by memory. He makes his way towards the kitchen. He finishes it before reaching the coffee pot. It was a present from Kirsten. Ryan think it might have been for their twelfth anniversary. He isn't sure.

Ryan fills his mug. He opens his fridge, taking out a slice of pizza from two days ago. He doesn't heat it up; Ryan likes it cold. Seth hates it unless it's dripping cheese, but Ryan got used to eating things cold many years ago. Seth doesn't like to remember that, and sometimes, neither does Ryan.

Closing the door, Ryan smiles, the corners of his lips twitching upwards.

There's a picture on the door held up by a magnet, and though Ryan has seen it a million times, in that moment, it makes his chest swell.

It's Ryan and Seth, smiling down at the camera -- Seth wider than Ryan, as usual -- barely eighteen years old. They've got their diplomas in hand and are dressed for the occasion.

Ryan wants to grimace; he doesn't like the way he looks in a suit. But Seth is smiling, that wide grin that reminds Ryan of the sixteen year old boy he met and fell in love with. It makes Ryan remember just how much, and for how long, he's been in love with Seth. It makes Ryan fall in love with Seth all over again.

He sighs, slowly and under his breath. He picks up the coffee mug and walks out of the kitchen.

He can wait a little longer.

*****

"I was thinking..." Ryan says, setting the table, "we could do something tomorrow. I don't know... go to the movies or something." The idea is almost stupid. "It's been ages since we last went."

Seth shrugs, serving dinner. He's tired, and he barely talks when he's like this. He's gloom, and Ryan understands. It's been a tough month at work.

"Nah, I don't think so. I'm not in the mood."

Ryan nods. He understands. "Oh. Okay."

"Sure."

Seth sits by Ryan's side, picking up his fork.

Ryan lets out a long sigh, looking at the food. He doesn't feel very hungry.

He looks sideways at Seth, and then sighs again.

They don't say a word and, after a minute, Ryan gives up and starts eating.

*****

"So, where's Cohen?"

Ryan shrugs, looking at his incomplete project.

He still can't find the missing piece.

"He said he'd be late."

Summer snorts, picking up her glass of whiskey. "Cohen, working late? That's a new one. That boy couldn't keep his hands off of you when you were in college."

Ryan doesn't blush, mostly because he can control that sort of thing, but also because he's used to Summer's tact. "Summer..."

"What? I'm just calling it as I see it." She shrugs, taking another sip. She likes whiskey, though Ryan doesn't understand how; the taste is awful.

Ryan tilts his head. The house... there's something there he won't see, or can't see. Ryan rubs his eyes with his palm.

"That work?"

Ryan shakes his head. "No, not really--"

"Then you're wasting your time. Come on, take me shopping."

"Summer--"

"What? You're gonna wait for Cohen to get back?" She checks her watch. "It's almost twelve. Lets have lunch."

Ryan thinks about it for a second before nodding. It's Saturday, he's got no immediate projects, and Seth said he wouldn't be back until later that afternoon. He shrugs, grabbing his jacket.

"Great," she says, picking up her purse. "You're paying."

*****

It's Saturday afternoon and Ryan picks up the pile of laundry. Seth refuses to do it himself. Ryan sighs, taking it downstairs to the washer and drier.

Seth called earlier, telling Ryan that he has some thing to finish up and that he'll be back for dinner.

Ryan starts separating the colors from the whites. Ryan's undershirts are mostly while, and there is t-shirt of Seth here and there. Some dress pants of Ryan's, and then a pair of Seth's.

Ryan checks the pockets, worried a bill or some important paper might go through, like the time when Seth had written four paragraphs of a story of his in a napkin and they ended up ironing it.

There's a piece of paper in Seth's pocket. Ryan read the words, frowns, and then bites his lower lip.

Sighing, he takes a seat, pair of pants still in his hands. He tells himself it's nothing.

As he reads the name of a hotel again, Ryan knows he's lying to himself.

*****

Another long drag of a cigarette he was supposed to have given up a year ago. Ryan grimaces at the taste; he's forgotten just how it seems to fit at times.

He leans back against the chair, hand placed over the kitchen table. His fingers close into a fist. The lights are turned off, night having crept unnoticed.

He takes another drag.

There's the sound of the engine coming closer, and then it turns off. Ryan closes his eyes for a moment. His heart is beating faster, his right hand tightening, fingers digging into his palm.

Ryan hears footsteps, and the light of the kitchen is turned on. Ryan places his right hand over his eyes.

"Ryan." Seth's surprised, and he smiles tightly. "Hey, I didn't think I'd find you here."

Seth frowns, eyes on the cigarette, and says nothing.

Ryan remembers the time when Seth would badger him about quitting.

Ryan watches him take off his jacket, placing it on the back of the chair opposite where he's sitting.

Of course it'd be a surprise. It's after midnight, even though Seth said he'd be back by dinner.

"I thought I'd wait up for you."

Seth doesn't say anything as he walks towards the fridge and gets out the orange juice.

"I was doing laundry today."

"Oh, cool."

Ryan puts out the cigarette in the crystal ashtray by his hand. "Well, it was quite interesting." Ryan reaches into his pocket, taking out the receipt. "I found this."

Seth turns around, tilts his head and stares at the white piece of paper. It takes a moment for his eyes to widen.

"Funny thing," Ryan says slowly, "it says here that you rented a room on Wednesday afternoon." Ryan frowns, seeming confusion. "That's weird, because I remember you telling me you had to work late on Wednesday. I remember you telling me you had things to do, and you didn't get home until after two, right?"

Ryan's lips purse into a thin line, and he feels his heartbeat quickening. "Right?"

Seth closes his eyes slowly. "Ryan..."

"No, I know what I heard, and I know what I've got here. Now, tell me I'm wrong."

Seth looks right at him. "Ryan..."

"Because I can't believe you'd lie to me. You, who used to tell me lies would be the first thing to break us apart. That lies..."

"Ryan, isn't not--"

"Who is it?"

Seth blinks. "What?"

"Who is it?" Ryan swallows down the lump on his throat. He can feel his eyes burning. "Is it that asshole Richard? Is it him? I've seen the way he looks at you."

Seth shakes his head. "It's not like that."

Ryan snorts, and it's a painful sound. "Not like that? What Seth, you're gonna tell me now that nothing happened? That you two only talked?"

"Ryan--"

"Bullshit!" He's screaming now, his temper long lost. Ryan doesn't remember the last time he felt this angry. "Tell me! Who is it?!"

"There's no one!"

"Don't you fucking lie to me!"

"I'm not lying!"

Ryan shakes his head. "I'm not an idiot, okay? I get it. You haven't touched me in months. I get it." Hands close to fist, piece of paper crumpling inside. "Who is it? If it's not Richard, then Andrew. I knew you liked him. I knew you think he's hot."

Seth takes a step forward, but stops when Ryan backs away from him. He flinches. "Ryan, please, it's not like that."

"Don't lie!"

Seth shakes his head, head hanging low. "Ryan..."

The back of his eyes sting, and his lips are trembling. Ryan bites down his lower lip. He won't show weakness.

"Ryan..."

Ryan wipes his eyes, angry tears escaping his tight hold.

"I just want an answer."

"I'm telling you the truth." Seth takes a deep breath. He hates the fact that it has come to this. "There's no one."

"The fuck there isn't."

"There is no one!" Seth runs a shaky hand through his hair. "There isn't." He sighs. "I haven't been cheating on you."

Ryan snorts.

"I haven't. Just... hear me out, okay? Just hear me out."

Ryan nods tersely.

"I... haven't you noticed that something is missing?" Seth shrugs, squinting, seemingly lost. "Something... isn't there. I... I love you, of course I love you. I don't think I could not love you." The corners of his lips turn upwards, in a ghost of a smile of memories past. "I don't think there was ever a time when I didn't love you." His expression turns sour. "But... there's something that isn't there anymore."

Ryan folds his arms over his chest.

"You have to have noticed. I can't believe you haven't. There was a time when we spent every single minute together. I used to skip classes just so I could see you, and you did the same so we could have lunch." Seth sighs. "You used to call me when you got off work so I could pick you up." Seth chuckles sadly. "We couldn't keep our hands of each other, remember?"

Ryan nods slowly. Summer had said the same thing.

"Now... when was the last time we went out together? When was the last time we stayed up late, just talking, just eating Chinese from the cartons, feeding each other as we sat on the kitchen floor, huh? When?"

Ryan remembers the memory, how perfect it had felt just to sit there, eating, enjoying each other's company. He misses those times.

"When was the last time we went to the movies?"

"I said last week--"

"I know what you said, Ryan. I know. But that's the first time you've brought it up in months!" Seth shakes his head. "I've been feeling like this for months."

Ryan snorts. "Like what? And for months? Why haven't you said anything?"

"When, huh? You've been working nonstop--"

"You know I had a project to deliver--"

"I know that!" Seth closes his hands into fists, frustrated. "Ryan, I know this. I know. But... that doesn't mean we have to forget each other."

"So, you've just..."

"I've been renting rooms so I could think." He shrugs. "I needed to think, to ask myself..." He grimaces slightly, shaking his head. "If there was something to salvage, out of this."

Ryan's face hardens, and he stands stoically. "Well, then, tell me."

"Ryan, it isn't like that! We have to decide. We have to talk. Or have you forgotten about us?"

"I haven't forgotten shit, you know it. I know what you mean, and I know we have to talk." Ryan groans. "Shit... Seth... you should have told me."

Seth nods, and he chuckles under his breath. "Communication issues. We're the typical American marriage."

Ryan doesn't find it funny. "I... I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

Ryan sighs, looking down at the floor.

It had been there for the longest time, that... gap between them. Maybe Ryan was just trying not to see it, pretending it could fix itself.

It can't, it won't, and Ryan has to do something.

He looks at Seth from the corner of his eye.

Seth's standing there, staring at the cupboards over the sink. There are bags under his eyes, and new wrinkles around his eyes. When did those appear? When, and why didn't Ryan notice?

He used to know every line on Seth's body, every sound he could make, every hitched breath held while Ryan kissed him senseless and mapped every inch of his skin. He used to make Seth melt with simple kiss and a light touch of fingers over the hollow of his lower back.

Ryan wonders if he still can.

He takes three steps to Seth, closing the distance between them.

"Ry--?"

The words are captured by hungry lips that have decided to conquer, to behold, once again the kingdom that used to be theirs.

They seem to be on the right track.

Seth sighs into the kiss, and a heartbeat later, he whimpers.

Ryan smirks.

His fingers move under Seth's shirt, touching the spot just over Seth's hip, and then his back.

Seth presses himself against Ryan.

They barely make it to bedroom.

*****

Ryan untangles himself from the arms and legs, standing up. He stretches, reaching for the ceiling.

"Ryan?"

He looks over his shoulder at Seth, hand reaching for Ryan's hand.

Ryan can't help but smile.

He takes Seth's hand in his, kissing it tenderly, licking a finger.

"Dude, you can't take enough of me, huh?"

Ryan chuckles, rolling his eyes as he does so. He squeezes Seth's hand. "I'll be right back."

"Where you going?" Seth's eyes are closed, head burrowed on the pillow, and his voice is muffled. "Sleep."

"In a minute. I just want to see if we closed the kitchen door."

A snort. "No way. Far too distracted."

Ryan chuckles, walking out of the bedroom. Makes his way downstairs, a small smile on his lips.

Incredible sex and the promise of a long date to the movies and then some Italian dinner tomorrow.

Ryan was certain it was a great beginning.

He crossed the kitchen and, as expected, the door was barely closed.

He locked it and turned around, walking towards the staircase.

Noticing a light on further down the hallway, Ryan frowns.

It's his study, he realizes, and as his hand reaches for the switch, he sees the model standing in the middle of his worktable, built in thin wood.

Ryan looks down at the blue prints.

He knows what's missing.

The rooms are too empty, too blank. There's no warmth, no feeling, no sensation from them.

He makes quick sketches, places more windows, doors linking bedrooms and studies, lowers the ceiling.

Ryan stares down at his scribblings, and nods.

This time, it feels alive.

It has heart.

With a smile, he turns around, turning off the light after him.

He walks towards the staircase and to his bedroom, the warmth of another body under the sheets, Seth's arms waiting for him.