Author: kira-nerys
Title: Heart To Heart
Codes S/Mc
Rating: R/NC-17
Summary: During a late night of chess, Spock and McCoy have a heart-to-heart.
Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Paramount and Viacom, so does the characters. No infringement upon their copyright is intended. Nor do I make money on this tale, which I have created purely for entertainment.
Feedback: Please, any kind to kira at kardasi dot com
Homepage: www.kardasi.com
Author's notes: This story is dedicated to two friends; VastSee for asking for this particular scenario maybe as much as four years ago, and to Jen because I promised her an S/Mc even longer ago. This is it, sort of anyway.
Beta: Thanks to PlatoHomer2 for spotting some grammar flaws and general goofs. Any and all remaining errors are my solely my own fault.

Heart To Heart

Spock watched as Jim and Peter Kirk shimmered out of existence in the transporter. After all they had gone through over the last month, Spock wished he could have gone with his captain and friend, if only to be of support during this time. He closed his eyes briefly and admitted that there was more to it than that. Spock had also been through a trying time, and Jim Kirk seemed to be the best remedy for when he was experiencing any kinds of unsettling emotions.

Unfortunately, going with his captain wasn't possible since Starfleet had requested that Spock and Dr. McCoy remain on board for the refit. The science department was due for an upgrade on its entire computer system. Sickbay was to be refitted with the latest medical equipment, and the good doctor was delighted. Apart from that and the technicians they were quite alone. Even Mr. Scott had been kicked out of his precious Engineering.

The entire crew, except he and McCoy, had been granted shore leave on Earth. So, they, and the starbase personnel were the only ones aboard the Enterprise for the time being.

Spock turned from the transporter console and steered toward the science departments. If he were to be completely honest with himself, which was certainly a Vulcan trait, he also realized that perhaps it was a good thing that the captain would be away for a week. That would give Spock ample time to sort out aspects of his feelings that involved the captain. It hadn’t truly surprised him that he harbored love for Jim Kirk, but the nature of that love, and the intensity of it, had surprised the Vulcan.

If Kirk had stayed aboard the Enterprise during this time, Spock knew he would surely reveal himself, and that would be a mistake. Of that he was certain. Jim Kirk was a lover of women, not men.

Jim Kirk would return as soon as his nephew had been settled in his new home on the ranch in Iowa, and the memorial service for Aurelan and George Samuel Kirk was over. Spock knew that Winona Kirk had been devastated and the week's shore-leave that the captain had requested was necessary. Still, he was uncomfortable with the idea that Kirk had to go through this alone.

Doctor McCoy exited Sickbay and fell into step beside him.

"Come on, Spock," he said and slapped Spock’s shoulder in a friendly gesture. "Don't look so glum, he'll be back before you know it."

Spock shot the doctor a glance. Was he that obvious?

*  *  *

The days passed fairly quickly. Spock kept occupied with the science department's computer upgrades, but since the work was flowing smoothly – too smoothly for Spock's taste – he was quite finished long before the captain was due back on the ship. And Spock had come no closer to a solution to his dilemma. His feelings still lay close to the surface, and were difficult to control. No meditation seemed to help. Perhaps he should seek advice from the only person besides Jim Kirk that he considered a friend....

"Doctor," Spock said as he entered Sickbay.

"Spock! I'm happy to see you. You haven't been around much lately. "

"I have been occupied."

"No kidding.... Well, are you done with the upgrades yet?" McCoy’s blue eyes watched him curiously. He seemed appreciative of Spock’s company if the smile was any indication.

"Yes."

"Would you consider helping me?" McCoy asked with a pleading look in his eyes. "This new stasis chamber has to be aligned to the old computer in Sickbay and the manual is not in Standard."

"Allow me," Spock said and the doctor handed over the data pad with the relevant information. "I do not understand why you did not simply run this through the Univ...." Spock halted and his eyebrow rose. "Doctor. This is translated into several Earth languages, including Standard."

"No, it isn't," McCoy retorted dryly. "At least no Standard I’ve ever learned."

Spock was too controlled to sigh, but inwardly he welcomed the distraction and went to work as enthusiastically as a Vulcan could. His talk with McCoy was pushed forward to a later time. Inside, Spock felt relief, and it shamed him. Such weakness was not becoming.

Hours later, he had finished the installment.

"I'd ask you to try it out, just to make sure it's working, Spock, but knowing how Vulcans feel about stasis, I won't."

"I appreciate your kindness, Doctor."

"Enough to share a game of chess and a brandy with me tonight? This ship is too darn empty, and I don’t know any of those technicians that have been buzzing around in here. It's driving me nuts. I'd even appreciate your company."

"Very well. I will join you on the Observation deck in one hour," Spock found himself answering. He was a little surprised at his willingness to give in, but McCoy sounded tired, sincere and pleading. Spock didn’t have it in him to deny the doctor company. Furthermore, he did need to talk to McCoy after all. There was no point in delaying the conversation.

"Feeling lonely too, huh?" McCoy said.

"Vulcans do not... "

"Oh, that's a load of crap, and you know it, Spock! You're used to spending time with Jim, socializing. You guys play chess more nights than not."

Spock chose not to answer. McCoy saw too much for comfort sometimes.

"And let's take it to my quarters, Spock," McCoy said. "The Observation deck will be empty and it's ... spooky."

"Spooky?"

"Never mind."

*  *  *

McCoy's door chime sounded and Spock could hear the gruff voice from within.

"Enter."

The doors slid open to reveal the doctor's quarters. The tri-dimensional chess game was set already and McCoy had placed a bottle of brandy and two glasses on the table. Spock decided not to point out that he'd accepted the chess game and nothing more – drinking alcohol was another matter entirely.

"Come on in and sit down, Spock."

Spock entered, feeling somewhat uneasy. He had never been to McCoy's quarters just to socialize before. They didn't usually spend time with each other in this manner. But he sat down and leaned back in the chair.

"Share a brandy with me, Spock?"

"I do not think that... "

"Just one. It's no fun drinking all alone."

"I'd rather not," Spock said stiffly.

McCoy looked at him curiously. "Why, Spock? Why don't you drink alcohol? Just out of curiosity."

"I do not enjoy the way it affects my control," Spock admitted reluctantly.

"Oh, so it makes you relax, huh?" McCoy’s smile would have been annoying, were Vulcans prone to annoyance, Spock thought.

"I... Yes, I assume that is correct. Vulcans are less susceptible to alcohol, but as you know, I am half-human."

"Then what's the harm in drinking one glass of brandy with me? I'm your friend, just like Jim is. One glass won't kill you."

"I never said that it would," Spock said, and remembered the last time he had drunk alcohol. It had been with Jim, two weeks earlier. He'd felt relaxed, and he admitted to himself that the last few days had been draining. Perhaps just one glass wouldn't be so bad....

"Oh, never mind. I'll have a glass of my own. I shouldn’t try to force alcohol on someone who doesn’t want to drink it. I’m sorry, Spock," McCoy said. "You want something else? A glass of pineapple juice or something?"

"No, thank you. I believe I will share a glass of brandy with you after all, Doctor."

"Nah, Spock. It's okay. I'm sorry I pushed." McCoy said sheepishly. "I wanted us to spend a friendly evening together, and the first thing I do is try to force you to join me for a glass of alcohol when I know you don't like it."

Spock was touched by the sincere apology, and it only made him more determined to share this one glass of brandy with McCoy. It was the least he could do and it would do him no harm. Vulcans were less susceptible to the effects of alcohol than humans after all.

"There is no need to apologize, Doctor. Pour me a glass and let us make a toast."

"A toast? For what?"

"I am uncertain... "

McCoy poured Spock’s glass and then his own. McCoy lifted his glass and said. "For Jim's return.” McCoy blinked. ”For the crew’s return, and for the ship to buzz with life again."

Spock quirked an eyebrow at the doctor and downed the amber liquid, finding that he agreed whole-heartedly with the doctor’s wish.

“All right. Let’s see. Who begins?” McCoy said and looked at the chess-set.

“Jim and I usually toss a dice to determine who should begin, but I do not mind allowing you to open the game, doctor.”

McCoy grinned reluctantly. “Don’t mind if I do. I think I’ll need every advantage I can get.”

Spock waited patiently for the doctor to make his first move, and McCoy began. Soon, Spock found that McCoy, just like Jim, played the game quite unpredictably, and he found himself missing Jim again. The ship, illogically, felt quiet and soulless without its captain, even though Spock knew there were others on the ship besides he and the doctor.

“I’ll have another glass of brandy. Can I get you something else, Spock?”

Spock gazed at McCoy. The smile in the blue eyes was friendly and Spock suddenly wanted to relax, for once. With McCoy, perhaps that would be even easier. He did not have to control himself so much. McCoy didn’t... Spock halted his train of thought and said: “I would not mind another glass of brandy.”

McCoy grinned. “You’re kidding, right?”

Spock sighed.

“You’re not kidding. Very well. Don’t blame me if you wake up with a headache in the morning, though,” McCoy warned and grinned at him while pouring another glass.

“Headaches are not common for a Vulcan who has imbibed alcohol, doctor.”

“Really? Don’t you guys get hung over?”

“That is not what I said.”

“No, it isn’t.” McCoy conceded and looked at him expectantly.

Spock found himself enjoying the light banter. For a moment, he forgot that Jim wasn’t there. That was a good thing, so Spock leaned back in his chair, stapling his fingers.

“The Vulcan physiology is different, as you well know. We do not get headaches, but we may experience severe pain in our joints if we drink too much alcohol. Also, as in humans, our stomachs often become upset.”

“That’s interesting, Spock.” McCoy admitted. “You do realize this is the first time you've ever answered any of my questions without kicking and screaming, don’t you?”

“Kicking and screaming?”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

Spock allowed his face to soften in what he considered a smile, and nodded. 

“Yes, I do realize that, Doctor.”

“What’s wrong, Spock?” McCoy suddenly asked with concern.

“There is nothing wrong with me.... exactly.” Spock said.

“But there is something on your mind.”

Spock nodded, the chess-game forgotten.

“Are you feeling lonely?”

Spock straightened in his seat. Was he that obvious? It seemed as though McCoy could read him like an open book. But did that really matter? If McCoy, who had seen through his Vulcan pretence long ago, would see and realize that he was lonely – did that really matter? The Vulcan tilted his head to the side and watched McCoy quizzically. For the first time, he realized why McCoy could so easily determine and recognize his loneliness, because it was there in the bright blue eyes as well.

“Yes, indeed, Leonard. I do feel alone at times.” McCoy blinked at him. If it was because Spock had called him by first name, or because he had admitted the truth so readily, Spock couldn’t tell, and he didn’t really care. “I realize that you recognize this state of being in myself, because you, too, are lonely.”

McCoy cleared his throat and leaned back in his chair. The human brought his hand to his face and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, I guess you’re right at that.”

Spock remained silent, waiting for the doctor to elaborate. Instead, McCoy poured himself another glass of brandy. Spock nodded when the doctor shot him another questioning look.

“Are you planning on getting drunk, Spock?” he asked.

“Is that not the customary thing to do? I seem to recall Mr. Scott leaving your rooms late at night singing old folksongs. I do believe I have seen the captain leave your cabin in the same state as well on several occasions.”

“True, but they don’t mind getting drunk and losing control from time to time.”

Spock nodded. “True, and I find that tonight, I do not much care as well.”

“Spock...”

McCoy hesitated, and Spock looked up.

“Yes?”

“Do you mind if I ask a very personal question?”

“I do not mind if you ask, but I may not answer,” Spock said.

Suddenly his mouth was dry and he had a strange feeling that he knew exactly what McCoy wanted to know. After all, he had expected the doctor’s hawkish eyes to pick up on his feelings for Jim long ago. Spock looked down into his glass of brandy and took another sip. It did not alleviate the dryness in his mouth, but it saved him from having to look into McCoy’s perceptive gaze.

“I don’t know how to say it, so I’m just going to blurt it out, but....”

McCoy looked down at his hands and Spock very deliberately put down his empty glass on the chess table. His mind and his body were relaxed because of the alcohol, and still he was tense inside. Emotionally tense. It wasn’t a novel sensation. He idly wondered how long ago it was that he could sink into the deepest levels of meditation. Six point two weeks, he realized. He hadn’t known before. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about it.

“Do you.... are you...? Spock ...” McCoy paused another second and then looked straight into Spock’s eyes. Spock suddenly knew that he would tell the doctor the truth no matter what the question was. “Hell. This is tough, but I have to know. Are you in love with Jim?”

Spock swallowed and found his voice would not carry. So, he simply nodded. Once.

“Oh, damn, I knew it.”

Spock looked up and into the doctor’s eyes.

“Damn, this is almost funny. Have you ever heard of a ship where both the first officer and the CMO had a crush on their captain?” McCoy sighed.

Spock controlled the surprise that rose in him. He was not alone in this?

“Don’t answer that.” McCoy said and held up his hand. “I’m sure it’s more common than either of us would like to know.”

“I do not believe it is very common among the male officers,” Spock pointed out. “I also believe that neither you nor I have a ‘crush’ on Jim as you put it.”

“No, I guess not.” McCoy said and rose from his chair. He walked over to the cabinet where several skulls lay on display, and then he crossed his arms. The doctor suddenly seemed very fragile and tired, and Spock found himself confiding in McCoy.

“It is much more than simple infatuation on my part, Leonard. I assume that is true with you as well.” Spock said as he rose to stand behind the doctor, close enough to feel the warmth of the other’s body. He felt a sudden desire to touch his friend, to give comfort and support. He did, and felt McCoy tense and then relax into his touch.

“Yeah, I’d say it’s true love.” McCoy sighed wryly. “But it doesn’t really matter. I love him and he knows I do. He’ll just never find out how much. All I can do is try and see to it that he’ll stay out of danger, or patch him up as best I can when he doesn’t.”

“Have you tried talking to Jim about this?”

“No. What’s the point? I know he loves me, but not the same way. Just like he loves you.”

Spock nodded. McCoy was right, and still the words pained him.

“I do feel very lonely sometimes, Spock,” McCoy said softly and turned around. Spock didn’t remove his hand from the other man’s shoulder. At first, he didn’t really know why, but then, as their eyes met, he knew exactly why.

“Leonard,” he whispered.

“Yes, Spock.”

“I will kiss you now.”

“Yes.”

Spock knew he wanted it, because he wanted to alleviate the loneliness, because he needed someone’s touch, because Leonard was the next best thing, the being he was closer to than anyone in the universe, except Jim. And he saw the same need in Leonard’s eyes as their lips met for the first time. Spock pulled the bony man closer, revelling in the warmth of another’s touch, of another’s closeness, and he couldn’t help but let out a small moan.

“Oh, God, Spock, are you sure about this? Because if you’re not, please don’t let me in at all.”

Spock pulled away, looking straight into McCoy’s eyes. “The only reason I would cease my advances, Leonard, is if you would want me to,” he said.

“No, no, I don’t.”

So Spock leaned over and kissed McCoy. It was quite astounding how the kiss could be so soft and tender. After all, neither of them had such full and luscious lips as … Spock pushed the thought away and revelled in the sensation of McCoy’s closeness. McCoy’s lips were so warm and willing under his, and Spock felt the loneliness seep out of him, slowly but steadily and when McCoy’s arms went around his body, caressing his back, moving lower and finally cupping his buttocks, Spock moaned and deepened the kiss. Their tongues moved together and heat shot through Spock when McCoy groaned and pulled him back toward the bed.

They didn’t talk. Perhaps neither of them wanted to look at this too closely, ask themselves what they were doing, how desperate they must be to seek comfort in each other’s arms when they couldn’t get who they truly wanted. But Spock had no thoughts of Jim Kirk now, as he lay on top McCoy in the doctor’s bed. When they moved together and the heat spread through their bodies they gasped and pulled at each other’s clothes with desperate, needy hands. Soon, they were both naked and enjoyed the closeness far more than either of them had expected to.

When it was over, they lay beside each other, not saying much for a very long time. But then, Spock spoke: “I do not wish for you to feel badly about this, Leonard,” he said. “Not now, and not in the morning when the brandy has gone and your judgment is back.”

“I won’t if you won’t,” McCoy said and drew a finger across Spock’s cheek in a curiously tender caress. Considering how they sometimes hurt each other with words and actions, Spock was surprised to see how much they both cared about one another. It was logical of course. They knew more about each other than anyone else, except maybe for the captain, and they had saved each other’s lives, grown closer and become friends almost without realizing it.

“I will not,” Spock said. “In fact, I would wish to continue this in the morning, and beyond,” he said, knowing that it was easier for him to take that step than it would ever be for McCoy. Spock was Vulcan and he knew that he was sometimes near impossible to approach. It was a stance he had adopted as Vulcan and it often scared people away. He did not want it to scare McCoy away, especially not now.

“Really?” McCoy said and lifted his head, looking straight into Spock’s eyes. “Are you telling me that you don’t want this to be a … a one-night-stand?”

“Yes, Leonard, I believe that is exactly what I am saying,” Spock replied softly.

“Then … maybe you’d like to stay the night?” McCoy looked at him uncertainly as though regretting the words the very moment they left his mouth. 

“I would like that very much,” Spock said and they snuggled together, as best they could, bony legs, awkwardly long limbs and all.

In a few days, they would have to inform their captain – their very straight captain – that his first officer and his chief medical officer were an item.

Spock found that the corner of his mouth twitched at that thought. He wondered what Jim Kirk would think about that.

“We’ll knock his socks off!” McCoy said and chuckled, as though he’d read Spock’s mind.

“Indeed,” Spock agreed, and found that the hollow sensation in his chest was lessening. Perhaps it would be a long time yet before his love for his captain would disappear, but he was quite sure that Leonard McCoy would help him, just as he would help the doctor heal. Nobody had died from a broken heart after all – had they?

At least not any Vulcan Spock had ever heard of.

END